Vortexia's Secret

2007-08-13T22:05:00.000-05:00

vortexia + mayhem = married.

Suspect cheese...

2007-04-02T23:38:00.000-05:00

my mouth tastes like i just ate some cheese, but all i've done is drink some fruit punch. i think it must be tainted punch. it came from a bottle, but with the peanut butter scare and the dog food thing, why couldn't there be some cheese infestation in the fruit punch plant?

not a nasty smelly cheese, a nice crisp sharp cheddar taste. i debated if this was a cosmic foodie sign that i should grab a hunk of cheddar. instead, i decided to eat some bagel crisps and blog.

Striptacular!...

2007-03-29T22:35:00.000-05:00

i have this kind of modeling gig for a friend in about a month or so. believe it or not with this highly flawed personality and "definition of imperfection" persona, i am somehow a bit of a perfectionist. i visualize everything, so my reality must then closely match the visualization or it seems imperfect. i am also very good at critiquing. so this mumble jumble all causes this normally quirky and happily flawed chickadee to turn down the corners of her mouth in disappointment.

*sigh*

so doing my "research" for next month (read: looking at the pictures other friends have taken where they play like models) has left me a tad bit horrified. icky poses, tortured faces where you can tell they were trying to concentrate on looking sexy, awkward bodies.... eesh. maybe i better strut around in a bra, panties, and high heels to practice feeling really natural in all kinds of sassy poses. i'm sure mayhem would be all for assisting me with this hands on research. yes, i do realize the dirty implications of calling it "hands on research" but i'm leaving it anyway.

latest fuze update. the banana colada after a long day of work tastes striptacularly delicious.

finally, to shamelessly promote the post below, read it and comment! hughugkisskiss!

Mush blender...

2007-03-28T23:02:00.000-05:00

so i have been asked what my favorite romantic song is. problem is, i'm notoriously bad at making important decisions. music is life. having to narrow any single category down to one song is impossible in my mind. if you do that, you're excluding every other song ever made that even remotely fits that category of song. never would have thought of either song that was suggested if i were forced to make my pick, but both are good choices.

as much as i hate to admit it, many of the really good mushy romantic songs are country songs. now i'm not advocating them here, i can just recall many seasons of the "it" wedding song being something with a twaaang to it. to me, to a certain extent the song needs to be realistic. kind of like the traditional vows. essentially, i can't promise you a life without pain or sorrow or tears or heartache, but i can promise that we'll go through it together and weather the storm as one. that's the song i want to hear. let's make this a little contest. whoever finds me that really great song that describes a realistic love (and i have to like the song itself, not just the message), i will use it as my wedding song with mayhem if and when that time comes.

i am mildly obsessed with breakfast at tiffany's. fell in love with the book when i chose it to do a book report in high school. it was hyped by the teacher when she said i'd have to get parental permission to read it as my book of choice because it was a bit risque for her prudish mind. won me over when it had a chic cover and was a short, quick read. then capote swept me off my feet with the stunning elixir of words that formed one magnificent story. after that, of course, i had to watch the movie where my dear sweet beloved audrey hepburn was absolutely incredible. if i were to ever change my name just for the whim of it, i would pick the last name of golightly. it's so cheery and bubbly. vortexia golightly. how could you not have fun with that girl by your side?!

do any of you other bloggies laugh at a comment on your site because you feel like you know the person well enough to know exactly how that comment would have been said in real life? i guess that goes for any written communication, but blogs have such personality to them (it's usually word vomit of the person's personality in that 15 minute span on time that holds their attention long enough to type something). obviously, i have revealed (probably since my first post) that i have almost no attention span or linear thinking abilities because i jump and hop and go from place to place.

thought of the day from my fuze drink: "proud of our back-side!" we should all announce that with conviction. we should all be proud of our back sides! our killer ass. our bubble butt. our badonkadonk (or however that's spelled). whatever you may call it. smack it and sizzle!

Of the day...

2007-03-25T21:20:00.000-05:00

i've been acting domestic lately. haven't been on the computer much. tried doing some home projects. dirt and dust really travels. the carpets were all clean before i started. i did the projects outside. i swept the dirt and dust up when i was finished. however, the inside still got messy when my dog and i came back in. puppy had all kinds of stuff in her fur that she then wriggled out onto the carpets. i had taken off my shoes before i came back inside, but then every step helped to shake loose more of the dirt that had clung onto my skin. my floors do not look clean anymore.

anybody know where you get those wire ball things to train ivy or climbing flowers into a topiary? i have several climbing objects, including an ivy that is just growing out of control. i think that would be cool.

speaking of all that dirt that got tracked through the house, i think i'll go get naked and take a shower.

question of the day: what's a really good romantic song that doesn't make people nauseous? if you've already gotten married, maybe you picked it as your first dance as hubby and wifey. maybe you selected a great song for V-day (the stereotypical one, not the one in celebration of me. although you might have picked the same song for both days if you're in love with me!)

thought of the day: i love hydrangeas. they're so cute i just want to eat them up. except i've heard they're downright deadly to doggies, so i wouldn't actually try to eat them. why do we say that something is so cute we want to eat it anyway? hold the dirty answers, boys, that's not what i'm asking. i can't tell you how many girls i've heard say that a friend's baby is so cute that they just want to eat them up (or the honest ones saying that about their own offspring).

tidbit of the day: one of my friends has a shaggy little dog. i was playing with it and started messing with his hair. did you know that dogs can wear the "flock of seagulls" hair do with great pride? he just looked so cocky with his new 'do!

ok, that's the latest from my brain. sorry i've been so delinquent. off to the shower.

Friendship...

2007-03-03T22:28:00.000-06:00

i came in with a purpose. don't know what it was now. my tummy's feeling weird. i worked out + started + got a stomach virus that made me very queasy. i don't think you can be any worse on one part of your body all at once. and all the people joking that maybe i was just pregnant--- not funny.

it's interesting for me to see how much people really feel they know you. one of my friends went to a happy hour not too long ago and when we saw each other again, he said "oh my gosh, i ran into this guy who said he knows you really well." couldn't tell me his name, described him, and i had no clue who it was. the only thing i could guess was that it was some guy i met once at a meet & greet event. if he handed me his business card, i could recognize the name and design and say that, yes, we had met before. however, i would never consider that i knew him well.

there are those people who try to awkwardly push things further. or make the promise of something further. like they want to get your info the first time you meet so you can go hang out again. this is awkward. you know you aren't going to hang with them again, and you really know that they'll never make that incredibly awkward phone call to arrange it.

i think that's even harder possibly in the friendship realm than in the dating realm. there are so many more possibilities for the friendship spectrum. they could want to be a couples friend, a shopping buddy, a drinking buddy, a happy hour wing man/woman, or the creepy i-just-met-you-but-let's-be-best-friends friend.

easier just to network within your existing friends to new groups. like a tree branching out.

i'm tired, i'm in lingerie, and mayhem just got out of the shower. adios!

Deviants...

2007-02-25T22:23:00.000-06:00

1) It's not cannibalism until you know better.

2) Now I'll be thinking about fruit baskets all night!

these are a couple comments from our weekend. the first was my comment as mayhem and i made cruel conversation about a severely obese toddler we saw. i pointed her out and mayhem said she just hadn't lost her baby fat yet. i asked how many babies she took the baby fat from to get that much pudge. mayhem said she ate her whole preschool class. i responded that it's not cannibalism until you know better. then we died laughing and i started laughing again every time i saw the girl. mostly because it was too cruel. then i realized that i think the guy across from us heard me because he was covering his mouth with his napkin and seemed to be chuckling while looking over at us. oops.

the second comment was made by mayhem as i mentioned that one of our friends chased his wife around the house one day with a fruitbasket (dick tucked around the nuts). mayhem of course wanted to know who it was and i refused to tell him. so he said that now he'd be thinking about fruit baskets all night.

there is something seriously wrong with us. i don't know if we need a censor or medication or a padded cell or what.

well, that was our weekend. how about yours?

Growing up...

2007-02-20T22:48:00.000-06:00

I'm emotional. i think i'm growing up and getting all emotional about it.

simple things are making me cry tonight. finding out that a friend of mine who was told that she could never have a baby and had some sort of "lady part" cancer had a baby who was perfectly healthy and happy yesterday. i cried for her and i cried for their absolutely perfect little baby. i cried for the miracle that saved her from the cancer and then blessed her with a child. i cried for the sheer bliss on her face for getting through the entire pregnancy without harm to her baby and the new little angel in her arms. then i saw a simple act on television where a husband called his wife's best friend to console her because she was really upset about something. the husband was concerned enough about her and wasn't able to get her out of the sadness, so he called for backup. so sweet. so caring.

what is wrong with me?! too many emotions!

Put a little doodle in your dog...

2007-02-18T01:41:00.000-06:00

Mayhem decided that he wanted a chocolate lab. so i said i wanted a labradoodle, but he said he didn't want any doodle in his dog. of course, i found it absolutely hilarious, so i started saying "why don't you want a little doodle in your dog?!" over and over as he died laughing.

who couldn't use a little bit more doodle in their life anyway? i know i sure could!

do i plan to take up rock's offer for a beautiful home or a chic downtown condo. it needs plenty of space for all that i have in mind, though. rock, do you think you could learn to drink wine? i'd love to stock a nice little wine rack in our breakfast nook. and we could have so much fun painting the place together. i'm sure we'd end up on the floor covered in paint at some point in the day.

I love lamp...

2007-02-16T00:10:00.000-06:00

except that i hate lamps.

i just had that epiphany. i hate lamps. they're a useless waste of space. they take up a lot of space on a table just to shine a little bit of light directly underneath it. utterly useless.

once i have my own home, i will prove to all interior decorators that it is possible to have an incredible looking, well lit home without one damn space-hogging lamp.

now who wants to buy me a house so i can prove my point?!

Dip...

2007-02-15T21:55:00.000-06:00

life is kinda crappy right now. too much drama, too many headaches, not enough motivation, surrounded by apathy. you know, life in a nutshell.

i am doing a lot of searching lately on what i need to do. you can't wallow in the suckiness if you're not willing to take some ownership and make some changes. the issue, though, is what i need to change and how. and everyday i'm just shocked when i look down at my clock and the entire day has slipped away. no time for anything other than work, eat, sleep, repeat.

little things annoy me. people and things i love have started to annoy me. it's a red flag that something isn't right.

so at any rate, there's nothing juicy to share.

how do you get salmonella in peanut butter? guess that's why choosy moms choose jif. (and thankfully, so do vortexias!)

V-alicious...

2007-01-30T21:00:00.000-06:00

fuzzy brains.

well, this week is a little bit better than last week.

i still feel like i'm living the surreal life, though.

i hate the cold. more than the cold, i specifically hate the cold wind. i can handle the cold without wind much better than when it's windy and cold. that just makes me ache to the core.

i sound like an old woman.

so do you ever get past the point of feeling like you're living the surreal life? you make decisions, you decide what you're doing with your life, you wake up every morning and live it. yet it doesn't feel real most of the time. for example, if i stop and think about my life, it doesn't feel like it's mine. how did i graduate high school and college? how did i get to be this age? how did anybody trust a kid like me to do the job that i have?

i guess that's it... i still see myself as a kid. i have always been mature for my age, yet that made me very aware that i was younger in years than i was wise. so now i guess it's odd to realize that i'm growing into my wisdom, yet i am still aware that i'm young.

what are your tricks for getting a good night's sleep? one where you wake up feeling rested the next morning. drinking yourself to sleep doesn't count because then you just wake up relieved that you don't have a hangover. not so much a rested feeling. sleeping meds don't count either because then you just have medicated sleep. some people use herbal teas or warm milk. some use humidifiers or dehumidifiers. some use music machines to simulate crickets. some keep the room really cold or really warm. so what actually works? just curious since i've been waking up tired lately.

Venting...

2007-01-24T21:16:00.000-06:00

me too, jag, me too.

my whole week has been crap. can't do anything right. can't get enough done. people only notice what i haven't done, not all that i've accomplished. trash me behind my back. it PISSES ME OFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so now i stew all night. i work on an ulcer thinking of all the things i'd say to defend myself if i got the chance. it just makes me so furious! i can't stand it.

i'd karate chop all their asses to smithereens and yell and scream and shoot back sassy retorts that stopped them in their tracks.

but it's so cruel when it's behind your back because you can't defend yourself. you can't counteract the ignorance. you can't make them see that they're just being bitchy and rash and haven't thought through the grand statements they make.

thinking all these thoughts in my head won't change those people. it'll just age me. so breathe in, breathe out, and release.......

Nickel's worth...

2007-01-22T22:35:00.000-06:00

i like eating nerds. i have a cute nightlight because it was a gift. i want to bake chocolate. i have to pee. i want to finish the post before i go pee. (see? told you prioritizing is not my strong point.)

skin care products can suck your wallet dry. you never quite know what what to use.

some days are bad enough that you just want to go to bed early.

i think i need to stretch and unwind.

do i want cheese, chocolate, candy, salad, or greasy sandwich? hmmm, tough decision.

what new CD are you currently rockin? i just got "the fray" cd and gotta say i love it.

better go figure out how to save a life...

Fluffy stuff...

2007-01-11T21:38:00.000-06:00

snoochie boochies babies.

rock had a little bit of timely advice for me. he said i could be organized if i put my mind to it, and it was on the same day that i actually got some things done. i was so proud of myself.

i think i'm done with office politics.

i want to go buy a fun and flirty little party dress. then get a pretty necklace and sexy earrings. and killer heels.

that's it for now. bye loves!

Organizational failure...

2007-01-09T21:12:00.000-06:00

ok, what is up with these damn raccoons?! i felt my heart leap into my throat as i screeched on the brakes and assumed the death-grip on my steering wheel. nearly ran over another one tonight. guess that would have been a little better than running over one of those damn bikers i saw riding in the pitch black. i have one little side road i cut through when the traffic's bad going home, and it has no overhead lights. of course that has to be the road where a dumbass biker decides to ride. both crises averted. i killed nothing today.

i need advice here. i realize that i'm not asking the best crowd for this kind of information, but any tips will do. how do you manage your time? every year, my actual new years resolution is to manage my time better so i have more time for the "good stuff" (spending time with family, friends, relaxing, reading, growing as a person, working out, etc etc). and every year, i try. day after day. but every day i fail. so i try again the next day. fail again, try again. after so long, then i just forget it. don't touch my planner. don't make the to do lists. just work on my ulcer from trying to remember all that stuff i need to get done and never do. this year, i looked through a friend's "franklin covey method" to get the gist of it. i understand it, tried writing a bunch of stuff in my planner to practice with, and am back to my same old A for effort. everything i needed to do had to be deferred to the next day, then the next.

so i give up. i need an intervention. teach me. educate me.

A thief in the night...

2007-01-04T20:59:00.000-06:00

i live in the middle of a big city. almost downtown. yet i nearly ran over a small family (3) of wild animals as i drove up to my home. how unusual is that?! there is one of those "downtown parks" close by, but could it really be harboring that much wildlife inside? it's not like you can really hide in it or anything. they may have a couple feet between them and the walking trail but that's about it. it's kind of sad to think that could be the closest they get to home sweet home.

i think i want to go read. has anybody noticed yet that i'm posting much more frequently now?

Holiday leftovers...

2007-01-03T20:49:00.000-06:00

Have you ever gotten a mass-emailed invite that you felt was not exactly meant to be sent to you? you can tell they just clicked send to all and away they typed. you're in their address book, but they really were just thinking of a predestined group of 20 or so of those 143 email addresses getting the email. it was easier to click one button rather than choose 20 emails, and they just assumed everybody else would self-eliminate themselves from the list of chosen ones (or they were too flaky to realize that the other people would get the email).

of course you know it has to be worse for people like professors or tech support guys. they're emailed frequently to consult for one reason or another, so inevitably their email address ends up in tons of address books. yet, who can they trust? did that cut coed really want them to come to their beauty and the geek watching party in their best beauty or geek getup? (had to plug my favorite little guilty pleasure. but more there later.) i mean, she did seem a little flirtatious when she turned in that midterm, and she always tries to speak up when she thinks she can say something intelligent. could it be??? yet... if this is all in the prof's head and he shows up in golf pants and suspenders because he was officially invited-yet-not-meant-to-be-invited, then he's the laughing stock of his students and peers.

another unrelated holiday dilemma. what are you supposed to do with those picture cards you're sent from random people. intuitively everybody begins to send out those pictures with the "happy holidays from the bensons" on the side the moment they produce offspring. yet, when you only have foggy memories of the bensons from about a decade ago (and you know they are only sending to you because they are too lazy to update their list), what do you do with it? it seems mildly offensive to just trash somebody's family portrait. perhaps in this age of identity theft, shredding it would be best so that shrewy lady who picks through your trash doesn't lift mrs. benson's face to create a fake ID to go with her stolen credit cards. keeping it is ludicrous, since you have no desire to flip through fond memories of the benson christmas cards "through the years" in montage format. so then what? i guess ultimately, to the trash it goes. seems important to choose carefully for these cards now, doesn't it? close family only next year.

p.s. i've been sick and am just not getting over it. i realized something. you don't realize that snot has an odor until you're almost through having the snot problem. works out kind of well. just about the time you could really get grossed out by it, you're over the problem.

I have a very important announcement...

2007-01-02T21:39:00.000-06:00

i have a new aspiration in life. the pinnacle of kick ass job titles. a job that everybody wants, but nobody can say with a straight face.

confetti dispersal engineer.

yes! we flipped to the new years spectacle at times square to mark our countdown, and i saw the job title of one of the women they interviewed. she was a confetti dispersal engineer. you really can't get much better than that. great job title. you're an engineer, so you have to be paid well. you work for about 10 minutes a year. you go to one of the biggest parties of the year, every year. how has this occupation escaped me before?!?

so, that's a good start for my new year's resolutions. i would like to become a confetti dispersal engineer forthwith (aka, within this year). no sense putting off such important tasks. after which, i would like to focus my 007 on cuddling puppies, snuggling mayhems, cooking the good stuff, eating the best stuff, fluffin the stuffin and making other such frivolous rhymes, making forts under the blankets, reading literary masterpieces, rocking out, stylin, and world traveling.

what are your resolutions for the new year?

Cleaning...

2006-12-27T21:44:00.000-06:00

i hate cleaning. can't wait till mayhem banks and i can have somebody clean for me. oh right, that's called the dream world. oh well. back to slaving away.

This time of year...

2006-12-23T17:26:00.000-06:00

so christmas is coming at a fast and furious pace. i'm not really feeling it this year. i brought my decorations out, then never put them up. i bought gifts one night, had them delivered to my parents house so they're there when we do christmas, and haven't thought about them again. it's not the scrooge or the grinch syndromes. it's just a blah kind of season. any ideas of how to get me into the mood? ...... the christmas mood, that is!

poor mayhem. he procrastinated on shopping, and he is currently out with the crowds, scouring for the perfect presents. then on top of that, he still hasn't decided what he wants for christmas, so now he has to wait to get his gift until after christmas. i have two little gifts for him, but the big shebang gift is missing. it's pointless to ask him what he wants for christmas and get a straight answer. he wants what all you good little blogger boys want for christmas-- me in a naughty little outfit.

i've been slacking a lot this year. haven't been writing too much, haven't been doing much more than working and spending time with mayhem. haven't even spent that much time with mayhem, or so it feels. need to get out of the funk.

My lil' munchkin...

2006-12-18T22:33:00.000-06:00

i got home and my dog was in trouble. she devoted the next several hours of her life to giving me the puppy dog eyes until she was forgiven. i plopped down on the floor to flip through a magazine, and she crawled up to snuggle. i gave her a quick little hug then went back to the magazine. she left, then came back with her stuffed animal and crawled into my lap with her toy. how cute! sometimes they really are little pet children.

i want popcorn. movie popcorn, though, not the microwaveable kind.

Closed captioning...

2006-12-09T11:33:00.000-06:00

if a deaf person wants to go to the movie theater, can they request that they turn on the closed captioning? or are they required to wait until the movie comes out on DVD if they want to be able to understand the movie?

Quick question...

2006-11-30T20:50:00.000-06:00

does anybody actually know how the hell you are supposed to pronouce that new video game thing, wii? is it wee? is it why? is it way? maybe wee-ayy! like a karate chop?

i'm just wondering. i never hear anybody pronouncing it. it's like when prince just became the symbol.

Family...

2006-11-27T19:01:00.000-06:00

oh family. such a complicated place. where politics originated, no doubt.

i dread the thought of beginning to look like either of my parents. in my experience, it is a bad thing. something that people whisper about the adult-child once they have left the room. something that is so horrible, so behind-their-back hush hush, that those uttering the words wait until the person could not possibly hear. they would rather say the person got fat within their earshot than have them hear that they look just like their mother/father. it's an insult. it's said with a sense of wonder, as you would say "wow, he/she has really gone to hell, hasn't he/she?" it's a cruel joke of mother nature. it is often accompanied by innuendos of premature aging. only in rare instances, such as the offspring of supermodels who haven't leatherized from a tanning regimen, is it a compliment.

however, for the parent, it is a huge compliment. "aww, he/she looks just like you!" or "i can see the family resemblance." it reminds the parent that they still look youthful, that they were attractive in their day.

now on to in-laws. you can never really be sure that they like you. you can only be certain of something if you know they despise you. in-laws don't play about that. but if they play nice around you, it doesn't mean that they actually like you. it could just be manners. i witnessed a mother-in-law/daughter-in-law situation over the thanksgiving weekend that shocked me. m-i-l underscored how much she disliked the d-i-l when she and the son weren't around. she could do no good. even the sweet gestures the d-i-l made were painted in a negative light by the m-i-l. however, the second the d-i-l appeared, the m-i-l talked so sweetly to her, allowed her to do all kinds of things to help out the m-i-l (big surprise there), and just acted like she finally had the daughter she never had. later on, i asked other family members if the d-i-l had a clue, or if she had let her son know she didn't like his wife. both answers were, of course, no. mean. so don't just assume that you've got the in-laws in the bag. they could still hate you.

Jobby blob...

2006-11-21T22:05:00.000-06:00

you know that feeling you have when you know you have a full day's work to do after you get off work? like you have 2 full time jobs and are only paid for one, and don't have the time to do either? yep, i know that feeling well. i hate it. i did well yesterday. got a LOT accomplished, but it still left about 1/2 the things that needed to be done still because my "to do's" had gotten way out of control. so i need to catch up today, but i started with the emails and am still not done. so only 2 emails will get done before i'll call it a night. yay. i'm accomplished.

and mayhem's MIA tonight. car broke down somewhere. upset about the impending cost and the stress before the holidays and all that crap. technology's great until it messes up.

Prosthetute...

2006-11-12T23:34:00.000-06:00

a prostitute with a prosthetic body part.

yes ladies and gents, they are all the rage now. perhaps rock's murphy bot was the originator of the craze, or maybe it was the cheap hooker on the wrong side of the tracks who got in a bad fight with a wood chipper that one winter. either way, there is no better way to get your STDs than from a prosthetute.

*brought to you from the sick mind of V.

Cuddle bugs...

2006-11-02T20:52:00.000-06:00

i love my cuddle bugs. i snuggle mayhem. my poochie snuggles me. she gives me loving looks that could melt even the grinchy-poo's heart.

i hurt my tongue somehow. i think i sprained it. i should try going into work tomorrow with my tongue in a sling and see what they say. that would be pretty funny.

so there's a tv show coming out called day break about deja vu, and a movie called deja vu about deja vu. this is just like the commercials that are all alike only much much worse.

grey's anatomy makes me cry. that daddy was the most impressive man i've ever seen (even if it was just tv).

Happy halloweenie...

2006-10-31T19:28:00.000-06:00

i like when it gets cold and you get out of your car and can smell people's fireplaces burning. yay.

i don't like getting up in the morning and having to go anywhere (especially work) when it's cold outside.

i want popcorn. hot and buttered. .......and fed to me by a hot man.

i would also like something with pumpkin and/or sweet potato in it. pumpkin pie. sweet potato pie. pumpkin chai latte from starbucks.

i want to go steal some children's halloween candy. trick or treat! *snatch*

hahah... snatch. halloweenie. dirty.

My turn at TMI...

2006-10-30T22:03:00.000-06:00

the funniest and most digusting thing i have ever heard; also the only thing that has made me laugh so hard that i was on the floor in the fetal position crying.

so mayhem has a thing against public restrooms for his solid waste disposal needs. we were gone for three days at a location with only public restrooms, and mayhem's shy colon had a stronger will than his desire for comfort. as soon as we got home, mayhem unleashed his best on the toilet. i was unpacking us as he finished, and of course he had to describe it. he came stumbling out of the bathroom as if he had just escaped a close call with death. "whew!" being the sweet girl i am, i asked if he felt better. he then described it as trying to poop his arm out of his butt. he made a nice graphic visual as he said it.

it was so disgusting that i screamed "ewwww!" and started laughing. it snowballed and pretty soon mayhem had to help me off the floor as i wiped the tears from my eyes. oh goodness, that's why i love this man.

Food for thought...

2006-10-25T22:23:00.000-05:00

"Don't worry, they have a very lovely life." -sex and the city

Sweet 'n' sour...

2006-10-18T21:59:00.000-05:00

i don't think any person can make me laugh as hard as my pups does. her expressions, the way she moves... she knows she's adorable, she knows how to make people laugh, and she just hams it up. oh, she kills me!

so i had this really creepy dream last night that i still can't quite shake. i was with my cousins at this religious event that we were invited to by one of my cousin's friends. turns out it was more like a cult with human sacrifices. there was a huuuuuuge turn out, and at one point, sort of like a communion break, everybody started filing out of sight by rows. it was to an outside annex area. as i got restless waiting for our turn, i started to notice something odd... the first huge group went out to the area surrounded by these people dressed head to toe in white outfits. they were kind of like indian garments, gauzy and silky fabric, but had bright white jewels decorating them. their faces were covered, and in the small openings for them to breathe and see, their faces were painted white.

then there was kind of a break and a shift change between that group and ours. a new group of guards came out to surround that annex area. they were also dressed in the white garments, but their faces were painted jet black in the openings. i started to feel very uneasy, but as i looked around, i seemed to be the only one. everyone else around us was laughing and joking around and smoking cigarettes as they waited. i noticed two things: that everybody in the second group except for myself and my cousins (who were visitors) were asian, and that we were the only ones not smoking. then all of a sudden, my cousin passed out candy cigarettes to us so we could pretend to "fit in." i tried to laugh it off with them and forget my uneasy feeling. finally it was our turn to go into the annex. when we walked in was the first time i could really see the area. it was more like a corrall area that blocked us in. as the last people came in, the guards closed in and we could see that they were all wielding clubs. everybody else seemed slow to react and much more trusting. i realized what was about to happen, and did the duck and cover thing, pulling some obscure suggestion from the past that you pull yourself into a ball to protect your vital organs and cover your neck with your hands so you're less likely to get spinal cord damage. thankfully i was more in the middle of the area, but i had just balled up on the ground as the others realized and were clubbed in such a way that they fell to their knees.

at that point i woke up to my alarm and complete panic. my heart was pounding. i was so upset and frantic. i was disturbed that i would ever have such horrendous dreams. and that feeling of knowing i was about to have true bodily harm and the people causing it would be unrelenting was so real and scary.

Weather changes...

2006-10-04T18:29:00.000-05:00

ah, it's fall. the weather's changing. leaves turn colors. you pull the sweaters out, then you put them back, then do it again and again. your nose turns cold so it starts to run, then it warms up and gets stuffed. ah yes, it's another season change.

i want a fashion shoot. just one really good series of shots. i had a friend offer once, but he wanted me to be nekkid for it, and that wasn't exactly appropriate. sometimes i still miss how he could make me feel like the most magnificent person on earth, though. as long as i could overlook the request that it was naked and obviously be wearing clothes for it, i still think he could easily take the best picture of my life. why? because it would show me the way he sees me.

hmm, that was an interesting thing to reveal to all the blogging world. well, secret's out!

Cherry chips...

2006-10-02T22:18:00.000-05:00

there's never enough time in the day. or enough time and energy in the day. if i get a lot done at work, then i'm too tired at the end of the day to do too much at home. if i get a lot done at home, then i'm too wiped to do a good day's work the next morning.

so i put in a good day's work, and now i don't have enough time or energy to write much of anything.

i miss cherries. i ate as many as i could during that tiny window of time when they are in season and don't cost $20 a pound. but sadly, that time has passed and now i miss them. i feel like i need a little fall break from work. i had a friend who's still in school say she was enjoying hers and i kind of got jealous. i'm also starting to feel a little sicky, though, so i better jump in bed and try to sleep it off. sore throat. yuck!

Sexy back...

2006-09-28T23:19:00.000-05:00

(written on 9/28/06, but blogger was so shocked to have 2 posts in such quick succession that it wouldn't let me post this one then.)

so we are leading a revolution. short posts. why not? i have an attention span of a gnat, so that works much better for me. otherwise, i end up reading only one or two people a day, and i have quite the long reading list of bloggers that go unread that day.

what happens right before you get hives? i've never had them, but i would guess that before you bust out in full blown red splotches, that you're itchy and uncomfortable. my bottom lip and my right thumb are itching for no reason, and it doesn't stop after they're scratched. if i break out in hives, i'm calling in sick to work tomorrow. just so you know.

so i hate to admit this, but i like justin timberlake's "sexy back" song. for the record, i still don't like him. you can like the art but hate the artist right? i think so. rawwr! sexy sexy now!

end short post now. see? so sweet and simple, it's sexy.

Duck feathers...

2006-09-26T22:47:00.000-05:00

so, let's see... life is still life. some things are better, some things are still the same. so really, when you add it all up, i guess that means things have improved.

there's a little less stress, partly because i have vowed to just not quite care as much. let things roll off my back, do what i can and then just admit i can't do it all. when people treat me like crap, i try to remind myself that they aren't important in the grand scheme of things and it's only hurting myself if it brings me down.

aw crap i have to run. so sorry to be so brief. more later, really!

Life will poop on you...

2006-09-14T22:12:00.000-05:00

i'm worn out. wasted. the life has been sucked out of me. i've become apathetic. i just don't care. people ask me what's wrong because my michievous eyes look blank and dead.

i am having a very bad week. i'm getting pushed to the brink.

i'm trying to look for the good, the silver lining. so let's go...
mayhem is still a sweetheart.
my puppy makes me laugh.
people can still make me laugh, despite feeling so blah.
sleep is good.
i got to look at friends' pictures today and they were cute.
my misery has company. (i still consider this a crappy "plus")
tomorrow is friday.
i will survive, hey hey!

(random question: why are people talking about coal and radioactive energy being "clean" energy? do they not remember how dirty coal was? how it caused black lung and the people would be covered head to toe in the black soot? do they not remember chernobyl? i haven't researched it, but i just don't understand why we're going back to these things.)

Little installment...

2006-09-06T19:53:00.000-05:00

so i bet everyone is wondering where i went. if my computer contracted another STD and had to be shipped off to get fixed again, if i was gobbled up by vicious man-eating sharks, or what.

well, i'm still here and i'm doing just fine. i've just been crazy busy. i know, i know, that's always my excuse. but sadly, it's always also the truth.

and i just took on another major project. so you may be seeing even less of me now. but please still know that i love you all and i check your sites even if you don't see anything from me for days on end.

i like it when the weather starts cooling off just a touch. you wake up a little chilly and hit the snooze to cuddle up under the covers a little longer. you walk in from the outside and your home smells just a bit crisper and feels cooler without having to turn on the air. you start eyeing the blankets again, knowing that in just a month or so you'll pull them out and snuggle into them. now don't get me wrong, i don't like the cold. i just like the cool.

it was weird for me to realize that a few days ago was my puppy's first experience of cooler weather. she ran outside expecting the usual heat, and it was actually fairly chilly. it took almost 20 minutes of her looking at me in bewilderment to decide that i wasn't letting her back in until she did her business and she was going to have to do it in the cold grass with even colder dew covering it. at that point i also wondered if she was going to be the kind of dog that required its own coat to go outside when it got downright cold.

Smurf...

2006-08-29T21:11:00.000-05:00

it was like having sex with a horny smurf. hahahaha.... gotta love sex and the city.

so i feel like my writing today has been uninspired. emailing and so forth, i just felt like my spark was gone. i wasn't witty, i wasn't smooth, i wasn't nothin'.

but between that paragraph and this one, i ran this diagnostic thing that my computer told me i had to run. it was a huge pain in the ass and is finally finished wreaking havoc on my poor little baby, but now i'm tired and ready to flop into bed.

i was so tired when i got home from work (and at one point during work), that i thought i would be asleep by 9pm, but of course now i'm going to end up getting to bed late when it's all said and done. so more later.

I'm hotz baby!...

2006-08-16T21:19:00.000-05:00

so i'm smokin'. the other night, i was having a late night dinner (eating breakfast foods technically) at IHOP with mayhem and these older women passed by us to leave. they ran up to me and started gushing about what gorgeous skin i had and how beautiful i was. they told me to keep doing whatever i was doing with my skin so i'd look better at their age than they did. it was kind of awkward, but also hilarious.

know what i HATE?! when i am dying to talk to somebody and i can't get hold of them. tonight i have been crawling the walls to talk to three different people and haven't gotten to talk to ANY of them! no, make that four. i got to talk with one of them for just an instant at work, but it was in public and i couldn't say or ask for the updates that i really wanted. i said i'd call her back tonight, but now that i have i just get voicemail. damn it all.

Sorry...

2006-08-13T22:31:00.000-05:00

My computer had to go into the shop to get a boo-boo fixed so i couldn't post for the past several days. we are now reunited, though, so i'm back at it.

i tried to have a relaxing weekend, but that seems to be the unattainable lock ness monster for me. i suspect that it could exist, yet i grasp at air whenever i try to find it.

mayhem is a cause of stress. and fun of course. but he just can't relax anymore. i used to be the one who was required to do a ton of stuff on the weekend and had to write papers and stuff while mayhem just relaxed and slept all weekend. i used to resent it and wish for a time like that for myself. now that i have the potential, mayhem has obligations and things to do. he's also been getting snippy with me when i try to push for doing nothing. it's frustrating. he already made this weekend stressful and we had to do a bunch of BS errands and follow through on our "obligations," so this weekend i made him promise me that we would set one relaxing weekend in advance and he would HAVE to grant me that weekend.

i just thought about this... are there some teachers who don't read? we have this image of teachers loving books and hyperventilating as they walk into barnes & noble as they eye all the millions of options for their edification. i bet there are some that haven't read a book outside the classroom requirements in years, though.

and finally on that note, i think i'm going to head to bed and read a little before sleepytime. glad to be back my little babies!

MIA...

2006-08-02T21:18:00.000-05:00

oh my goodness i have been gone for way too long. lost. MIA. kidnapped. abandoned. so sorry.

i don't even really know what i've been doing. i've been a little better about eating well. i've decided to try meditating. i'm trying to be better about not starting stupid fights. i can't call mayhem tonight because his phone can't accept any calls. that really sucks because i only started my resolution about not starting stupid fights AFTER starting a stupid fight with mayhem last night. he came over to help me out, but he took too long to agree with me about something, so i started calling him a jerk. just playfully, but i was play-pouting when he left. i tried calling him back to make sure he knew i was just kidding when i discovered his phone couldn't accept calls until he fixed it. those damn people who say stuff about not having regrets... great idea, but you have to be a good person all the time to pull that off. here i thought i was kidding, but then i still got this nagging feeling about it.

i'm starting to feel a little more generous now. i tend to feel stingy or selfish sometimes, but i had a moment today when a colleague had something similar to what i had. i was willing to donate my item for a good cause and the other employee was very excited about keeping her item. i'm generally the one who feels guilted into donating something. but i was more excited about being generous. i'm turning over a new leaf.

as i write, i'm realizing my basic goal is to live the best life possible and be the best person i can, in every sense of the concept. i am trying to eat well, work out, have good karma, yadda yadda. guess that about sums it all up.

so once again, i'm back to asking what you guys would like to hear about from me. are you ready for me to just shut up and go quietly into the sunset? would you rather hear about certain aspects of my life over others? since i've had such a break in posting, i'm certainly interested in hearing what the remaining vocal readers would like to read from me. thanks in advance and lotsa love people!

Puke re-puke...

2006-07-17T20:34:00.000-05:00

work is staying crazy. i guess probably everybody says that, though.

i haven't done a whole lot of interesting stuff lately. haven't been all that good about working out or reading or all that jazz i promised to do. i have eaten a little fruit and drank some milk, which is an improvement, albeit a small one. i'm watching less TV, but that's really a crappy thing to feel proud of considering the only real reason is because i'm at work a little bit more now.

ewww, my parents' cat just threw up and immediately tried to eat it. i'm not sure if she wanted to hide it or just liked the idea of re-eating her food. either way, it was pretty disgusting. i scooted her away from it and cleaned it up, but still... yuck. she must not be all that sick, though, because she just snuggled up to play with one of her toys. cute.

so comparing clerks II with its predecesors, is it worse or just right on par? just wonderin'

Cleaning...

2006-07-09T23:23:00.000-05:00

much to the dismay of my dear wifey rock, i'm not a big fan of cleaning. sure, i enjoy a clean household, but i hate the process to get to that point. i am very thankful for our new-fangled cleaning paraphernelia that makes the job a little easier, though. at times, i have to admit that i no longer mind the cleaning. i can see the results and feel the associated satisfaction.

i have embraced the microfiber dusters, multi-purpose surface cleaners, spray disinfectants, cling toilet bowl cleansers, clorox disinfectant spray (you can spray that just about anywhere you believe is tainted with germs), and all swiffer products. i now flick and swiffer with much more frequency than i have ever vacuumed (i HATE vacuuming and the horrific noise the vacuum cleaner makes) or mopped. oh yes, and the magic eraser from that bald guy. mr clean, that's him. after i wash the dishes, i can just use the water that dripped onto the counters to moisten the magic eraser and clean my countertops. then everything looks nice. dishes put away in the cabinets. counters free and clear of crumbs and grime.

now the downside. i'll be sore tomorrow. i got the urge to clean right after i worked out. lovely combo. well, g'night! hope all is well and the work week treats all of you well.

Tidbits...

2006-07-06T21:31:00.000-05:00

if you had a limited amount of time left on this earth, what would you do? would you go wild and do all the bad things you never had the guts to do when you thought you'd be here for another several decades? would you stay the same and keep the stability of your same-old-same-old routine? would you do the "live every day as if it were your last," fulfill your life to-do list thing?

i know i haven't been very good about posting lately. seems like there's nothing new lately. i stay busy, i have very little computer time, work wears me out, then the weekend comes and i sleep and get a little mayhem time. then the cycle repeats all over again.

a couple weeks ago, i did something that made me hate myself. i hurt a friend. i try my very hardest to avoid doing that at all costs. in that instance, i was put in a difficult situation and forced to make a judgment call. i did what i believed would be best and help preserve all the friendships involved. that person did not receive it well, though, and that strained things for a bit. i practically made myself sick over it. friends are so important to me that i felt physically sick knowing that i hurt her. thankfully, we were able to overcome. and as a sidenote: we all just discovered that V is mortal. shocking, i know, but there is a 1-900 number for a telephone support group for those of you who have trouble coping with this discovery.

i busted out with a very strange obscenity this afternoon. i was walking back from my mailbox, and i almost tripped over this cat that was skulking nearby. what did i yell? "fucking peacock!" what the hell?!? who knew. then i started laughing at myself because i felt like adam sandler.

well, that's my latest update. nothing special, but most definitely me. enjoy, loves!

Thirsty for life...

2006-06-18T23:17:00.000-05:00

well, another weekend has passed. i just took a shower and my face is burning for some reason. it's been doing that lately. maybe it's just too much heat and steam.

i have been dying of thirst today for some reason. mayhem is usually the one to drink about a gallon of water a day, but today they couldn't fill my water glass fast enough at dinner. it's insane!

lately i've been struggling on news to share. nothing too interesting has been going on. work hard, go home, be lazy, pay bills, see mayhem on the weekends. nothing much more has happened. i suppose i could share an update on my promises to myself. i have taken more pictures, but haven't gone anywhere exotic for them. generally just pulling out the camera and being obnoxious snapping away pics of loved ones. i've read a little more. i've tried to stretch and meditate before bed, and i've cleaned a few times during the week. i also threw out some older nasty rugs that were too dirty for my new idea of how i should keep my place clean, so i bought new ones. i'd like to think i am counting my blessings more and being a little more laid back. mayhem did seriously piss me off yesterday and if he hadn't been driving, i think i could have smacked him. eventually i let him off the hook, though, so that's a little more laid back.

i guess i've done fairly decently in my first week of these resolutions.

well, i need to gulp down more water in hopes of quenching my thirst. i bet something i ate today had a small salt lick inside it.

oh yes, and to all the dads out there, HAPPY FATHER'S DAY! i should have written a warm and fuzzy post about how wonderful my dad is, but i didn't think about it until now. maybe tomorrow.

New beginnings...

2006-06-10T13:44:00.000-05:00

one of the bitter truths about life is that there will always be pain and hurt.

but other times make you count your blessings. i want to try to remember to do that more often.

as i'm sure you have all figured out by now, i go through spurts when i get the crazy notion that i'm going to improve myself. this is another of those times. i want to count my blessings. i want to be more active and fit. i want to sleep the right amount of time so i'm not too groggy in the morning. i want to realize that sometimes i can just kick back and take things easy, not take everything so seriously. i want to keep my house cleaner and more organized. i want to live one day at a time, but also plan for the future. i want to enjoy things as they come and savor them in the moment, instead of trying to hold on to it for too long. i want to get rid of old things i don't need anymore. i want to read more. i want to play more. i want to have fun. i want to do more things, make the most of my weekends, have fun with mayhem, play in nature. i want to take more pictures.

i hope this all lasts. i hope i'm not back in the old slump by next weekend. it's a new week, a fresh start.

Racing racing...

2006-06-06T21:09:00.000-05:00

life moves pretty fast sometimes. if you don't stop and look around every once and a while, it could pass you by.

seems like life has been flying by lately. absolutely insane. although i realize it seems completely boring on here given my posting frequency lately. and the lack of comments i've had.

turned out that my vacation was excellent. even without the guys planning it extensively, it ended up pretty well. it was sad having to come back, but at least we all got a little getaway.

problem now is that it's so hard to recover from the time off! so much to get done at home but i'm still tired from running the whole time, so i'm not up to it.

in other news, have any of you seen the commercial for KFC and their "shove nasty shit in a bowl" bowl? the first time i saw the commercial, it made me nauseous. nasty crap layered in a bowl with gravy and commercial-grade cheese layered on top of it. it's like a coronary clog in a plastic receptacle. it looks like it was pre-vomited for you from the last person who tried it and found it revolting. i suppose it's pretty economical for them. they only had to make one shit in a cup because after that it's just recycled from one person to the next, perpetually getting puked back up again.

ok, maybe that was a bit too graphic. i guess that's a good thought to leave with all of you as you enjoy your hump day.

Nothing special...

2006-06-04T21:57:00.000-05:00

i haven't written at all this past week. i'm sorry. i haven't felt up to it. now i feel kind of sick-ish. i have a horrible headache, too. i'm tired. i'm hungry, but i keep eating and it does nothing and now i'm too tired to find anything more to eat.

i don't want tomorrow to be monday already.

there are a lot of crazy big decisions and thoughts swirling around in my head, and i don't know what to do with them. i kind of feel like life is moving forward but also standing still.

at this point, i think i may take a shower and crash for the night.

Weekend...

2006-05-25T21:13:00.000-05:00

so what are your plans for the weekend? something great i assume? me? yeah, i wish i could tell you. i have plans but then again i don't. i hope i'm not staying in a cardboard box under the freeway. i'm going to try very hard not to get violently pissy with mayhem and the other people in charge of this weekend, but i can make no guarantees.

i'm pretty upset that it's thursday night and i still can't pack for a trip where i'm supposed to leave from work tomorrow because i don't know if it will happen.

i'll try not to hurt somebody because of this mess. screw 'em all. no wonder i have trouble trusting others to take care of things for me.

Slimming down...

2006-05-21T14:53:00.000-05:00

so i had to trim down my VS models list because there were several dead links. if i got rid of your link, it's because either you stated you were shutting down or you haven't posted in a couple months or more. if you restart, please send me an email so i can relink you. i miss all of you bloggers who have left us and i'd be more than happy to activate your link again if you decide to rejoin the blogging world. love you guys!

one of these days i'll do the same and weed through all the other links, but today is not that day.

Dreams...

2006-05-21T13:42:00.000-05:00

i had some seriously weird dreams last night. all of the dreams had taken little bits from the day before, so it wasn't until i was up for about an hour or so that i realized that some of the smaller parts were not real. for example, in my dream, i had taken home with me some makeup i found earlier in the day. actually, i think in my dream i had gotten a purse i looked at too. it wasn't until i started thinking about where i put the makeup and purse that i realized that neither came home with me. it was just a dream.

this has been a pretty good weekend. and i have high hopes for tomorrow to be a good weekend too. hopefully may will turn out better than anticipated. more later loves...

Flirtbot...

2006-05-19T21:43:00.000-05:00

why do i fall so easily for hot guys?? i can't help it. that flirt switch turns on, and i can't help myself. i start flirting away. i feel my heart and my head thinking "holy hell he's after me!" i find it harder to correct them that i'm taken and they should feel free to spend their efforts on other women. i don't get to the point where they offer or ask for a number, but still... why do they get to me so easily?!

i'm glad the week is over. i feel like doing something naughty this weekend. i don't know what it will be yet, but i just want to be bad.

but now i think i'll let the vino take over. my mind is feeling a little fuzzy now...

Overdrive...

2006-05-18T22:31:00.000-05:00

...but tonight i wanna cry....

i'm overwhelmed. plain and simple. reality sets in, and i feel overwhelmed and underqualified to lead my life.

how can you know for certain that the person you're with is the one you are meant to spend the rest of your life with? i mean sure, you have the feeling of love, a level of comfort, believe you can get along with the other person under one roof without killing them, and all the other typical things for somebody you're dating seriously. but how does that translate beyond the dating level for that one person to become till death do us part? any insight from those who have crossed over is welcome.

one of my big causes of anxiety is that i will start to think in detail about the future. i think we typically consider the future in broad happy pictures, which is how we survive the day and find the will to try it again the next day. but i'll try to slow down the pictures and hone in on the specifics, to really and truly picture what reality might be like. it usually is pretty frightening. like picturing myself as a mother seems fine and dandy for the distant-future me, until i start picturing the reality of what my life will be. my body stretching out of control and the possibility of horrific morning sickness during pregnancy. having this infant that is 100% dependent upon me (and my husband of course). being trusted to make all the decisions and judgment calls for the wee one, and holding its life in the balance. that one night it cries and i write it off as gas or separation issues, is that the one night the baby truly needed me to be there and take it seriously? but teenage years scare me even more. i was a fairly good kid, so i don't even have a clue what i'd do if i raised a terror, other than cry myself to sleep and probably consider how wrong it would be to drop the kid off at the pound because it needed more help than i could offer. then i'd cry even more because that only works with screw-up animals (who are also easier to handle).

see, the devil really is in the details. of course it's also in the broad brush strokes that lull you into this false sense of security and accomplishment so before you can blink you're in the thick of things.

Happy mother's day...

2006-05-14T17:22:00.000-05:00

happy mothers day to all the wonderful mothers of the world.

i'm exhausted. i'm watching a gilmore girls marathon, or actually the first 30 minutes of one of the episodes in the marathon. then i'm going to drag my exhausted butt over to my parents' house to celebrate mother's day and try my hardest to act like i'm awake and energetic.

on the upside, this seemed like a fairly long weekend. that was nice since they usually seem way too short.

ok, more later. i need a quick nap.

SVU of course...

2006-05-09T20:54:00.000-05:00

you know it's going to be a rough week when you feel ready to throw in the towel on tuesday. i'm bitter and pissy. at least i paid my electric bill. i got nothing for most of you. so on to my required tuesday rehash...

livia, quick little SVU talk. you know discussing the asian guy is a must. i had another moment of insecurity that i had completely missed the boat this week. they were opening up more of asian guy's story, but when they called him by his last name it was..... morales! that's usually a hispanic name! i just don't get it. i think i need to call them and schedule a counseling appointment with morales (since i'm sure he's the one who would have that license hanging on his wall) and have him help me sort all this out. maybe he could give me his job description and a copy of his degrees so i know what all he does for SVU, along with a family tree so i better understand his heritage. i wonder how many other people who watch SVU get confused by him.

Gas ass...

2006-05-07T17:06:00.000-05:00

what a weird weekend. parts were good. i got to drink some yummy drinks and eat some yummy food. i saw some people i've missed.

then i had a really weird dream last night. it reminded me of one of those dreams from the bible where god was delivering a message or something. in the dream i was told that to have the children i wanted i needed to be kind, gentle, and nurturing. then i was given a cut flower and told to make it grow. i put it in the slats of a picnic table, but then i took it out and planted it in the ground. then i had to practice horrible music exercises until i learned patience and could do them perfectly. a very weird dream.

yet the low of the weekend was definitely when i had to pay my boyfriend to run errands with me because he was driving. what an ass. it's 15% the price of gas and 85% of my boyfriend being a jerk. the real kicker? this morning he casually asked if i'd marry him. not an actual proposal or anything, but nevertheless he brought it up. i know it's probably not something that would even cross a guy's mind to put the two together, but it sure bothered me.

Commentary...

2006-05-03T19:34:00.000-05:00

i'm exhausted. there's a sex and the city rerun on tonight, and their analysis of relationships is even making me exhausted. or more exhausted.

i think this week may kick my ass. i just wanted mayhem to come over and cuddle up with me and kiss me tonight. but i didn't get to see him.

thanks for all the sweet comments on my last post.

i met a new person at work today (not a new coworker, just somebody who stopped by). she made the weirdest comment to me, though, and then i think regretted making things so awkward. she said something or another about how she hoped i would find the one someday, then got this weird look in her eye like she just realized she was pulling out the comment typically used for 60 year old still-single spinsters.... i couldn't help but pull the upper hand, so i just gracefully ended the conversation by handing her one of her feet to put in her mouth. i just told her, i already have, but thank you.

ok, so now i guess it's time to go to sleep. or to get distracted from going to bed and realize that i'm no longer tired because i wired myself up again.

oh yeah and there was one extremely bizarre conversation at work the other day, but i don't know if i can share or not. might be a bit too revealing. needless to say, though, i like feeling comfortable with myself and my decisions. and i'm glad we live in a world where we can make our own decisions, even (and especially) the women.

Bert, ernie, and a dirty joke...

2006-04-30T21:35:00.000-05:00

i'm exhausted. it's been quite a weekend, and i'm sure that doesn't bode well for feeling rested and ready for the week. well, se la vie.

there are some changes coming my way, and they are exciting but also a little scary. unless you've got one major set of balls, new things, changes, growing up, etc, can all be nerve wracking.

but now i'm ending my weekend watching grey's anatomy. that makes me happy. i may be a bit busy this week, so if the posts are sparse, don't say i didn't warn you. i'm coming up against one heck of a deadline, and i'm very severely utterly screwed if i don't meet my goal by friday.

love you all. xoxo

oh yes!!!

i did have an actual good post to share. i'll do that quickly before i run.

i realized this morning that "my name is earl" proves that bert and ernie are truly just brothers, not lovers. think about it... earl is tall and skinny with bad hair (bert) while his brother is short and round and obviously balding (ernie). and both share a bed together, even if one of them falls asleep with his hand on his dick (earl's brother... wakey wakey, hands of snakey!) therefore, rest assured that bert and ernie are just brothers.

and now for the dirty joke.

"what did the beer say to the root beer at the end of their date?"

"what, no head?!"

muahahahaha!

Answers...

2006-04-26T19:47:00.000-05:00

sorry i've been so absent. i definitely would have written if i could have. stupid computer had to get fixed, and will have to go back in once more. how can we go into the doc for a check up and be out in an hour, but it takes a week and a half for computers? i don't get it.

until i get back into the groove, i'll respond to the comments from my last post.

livia, i'm sorry, i do realize that there is more than one asian guy in hollywood and in SVU probably even. and i do admit that i don't always give 100% attention to SVU, but i swear when i look up at the TV, it always seems to be the same guy! and when i hear his voice, it's the same voice. if the voice didn't sound the same to me, i would fully believe that it was 20 different guys.

j-mo, you sure got that right! it's so great when you get a little ego boost instead of people raking you over the coals.

cardman, no commentary about 7th heaven. it was stupid and ridiculous. but it always is. i am eager to say goodbye to that show forever. i am still hoping that the last episode will end things neatly with a very large gas explosion during a family reunion, or one of the pregnant teens killing the whole family with an uzi or something equally gory and destructive. but i'm betting it will be everyone saying goodbye as they share a box of oreos and reminiscing over their favorite sappy memories.

rock, i will hold the single version of yourself to that! take me off the market, baby!

can the weekend be here already?! it's so sick that you have to go 5 days straight at work before getting 2 measly days off. blech!

Laugh it up...

2006-04-18T19:48:00.000-05:00

i love days when you can laugh. laugh at work, laugh with friends, laugh at your shows, just laugh. enjoy life. love life.

if i could top the day off with a great night with mayhem, it would be a fantastic work day (any day that includes work can never be considered a "perfect day," so just a fantastic day).

i'm a sucker for my tuesday night TV. i'm addicted to gilmore girls, which is the highlight of tuesday night TV for me. and i have to get my SVU fix and share my latest thoughts on the asian computer guru/ psychiatrist/ social worker/ hacker/ jack of all trades guy with livia. tuesdays are all about that TV ritual, baby!

i think i just figured out one of my weaknesses. i love being irresistable. it's definitely fun for me, as is all the flirting that goes with it. of course it kind of sucks that i'm irresistable to guys who are not mayhem. now don't get me wrong, he finds me irresistable in all the same ways that the other guys do and then some, but apparently i'm not irresistable enough for him to want to swoop in and take me permanently off the market. go figure. oh well, i'm having fun.

This just in...

2006-04-17T21:14:00.000-05:00

i have a horrible headache. my neck hurts too. my eyes feel like they need to chill and relax in the freezer (along with my vodka).

how hard would it be to secretly elope then still have the nice wedding? anybody think i could pull that off? i'd love to say that i could, but the first time somebody point blank asked me when i would be getting married, i'm worried that i couldn't hide the smile. i have had that issue before. kind of disturbing, but i have a hard time lying to friends yet can lie much easier to family. apparently i've had way more practice lying to the loyal fam. rebellious evil teenage years taught me to do that.

ok, headache is taking over. but let me know what you think about that question.

Oopsie...

2006-04-16T22:19:00.000-05:00

whoops. i had a long absence there, sorry!

guess life has gotten a little busy lately. ran errands, met up with friends, workety working, excursions, chores, cuddle times, family time, mayhem time, all this stuff kept me away from the computer. i didn't really miss it either. i mean, ideally there would be enough hours in the day to do all of the above. but i love me some sleep, too.

i wish i had more time for projects. mayhem and i took some great pics of scenery, and he said he'd need to get a scrapbook for all of them. i teased him about scrapbooking and we had a brief discussion of whether to get singles or make double prints before deciding that we could get a manly leather-bound picture album and single prints since they'd become ours soon anyway. that little stuff makes me remember that there's a certain nice convenience to living together or getting married and living together that we're missing. i'm sure he'll drive me crazy at least half of the time, but we would definitely have some fun, too. there may be some changes in our future yet.

A.D.what was that?

2006-04-11T20:54:00.000-05:00

it's kinda funny how the littlest things can make you smile. oh, and could i have ADD? when i start thinking about something, it can be really hard to stop. i was trying to figure out something about this guy's ring today (class ring? secret society? what was it?!), and i couldn't focus on what we were talking about. i would make eye contact for a few seconds, and engage in the conversation, then look down at the ring again and try to discern what it was. i probably should have just asked, i mean what's the harm in that, but no... i just scrutinized instead. what's up with that??

ok, these past couple days have been me criticizing strange things. no more. the end. i like me, you all like me, so what's it matter if i tried to figure out some dude's ring. eh, big deal. life goes on.

Nitpick...

2006-04-10T20:20:00.000-05:00

so let's check out this past weekend. some exciting things happened, but some are secrets. in other news, i had a lazy weekend and just watched movies.

i love me some mayhem. i apologized this weekend for taking him for granted. it's nothing terrible, but i had teased him about burning copies of my CDs with my blank CDs and how i was being his provider. it was a very half hearted thing i very slightly meant mostly because i get sad and stressed looking at my bank account after i've spent more than i should. (i always have buyer's remorse.) but mayhem never asked me to buy them. and he's made plenty of copies for me in the past. but at that point, i apologized to him and made sure he knew how much i appreciated him and loved him and how grateful i was that he was so selfless in providing for me.

i hate saying stupid things. i hate regret and remorse. i nitpick. stupid little crap i wish i could take back or i wonder if they're thinking "what was she thinking" too. i said one of those dumb things today at work, too. afterward i just silently kicked myself and hoped nobody else noticed.

*sigh* another boring day in my head.

oh yeah, so i guess all in all it was a good weekend. hey, 30 seconds combined between the two stupid things i said shouldn't cancel out everything else, right? right. so it was a good weekend. cute mayhem moments. laziness. cleanliness. and now i'm out.

Iggy...

2006-04-04T19:53:00.000-05:00

so... i don't think of anything groundbreaking to mention. work keeps me busy. weekends are pre-planned. i've been running behind for weeks now. i hate that feeling. of course i wouldn't give up plans or come in early to work to get rid of the feeling (especially since something new always crops up again anyway), but i do hate it.

i actually missed my parents a few days ago. unusual for me. i think i've become cuddlier lately. i missed my parents. and as soon as mayhem leaves, even if he's driving me crazy, i miss him too.

i would also love to schedule in a week long nap. this time change crap is such a mess. i wake up nervous. i wake up before my alarm worried that i've slept too late, or i wake up freaked out when the alarm does go off because it seems like it's still night time. or god forbid i use the snooze button, then i'll wake up in the middle of it paranoid that i just turned it off and am now late for work. this insanity must stop.

Little shop of horrors...

2006-04-02T18:31:00.000-05:00

mayhem and i visited a pet shop this weekend. it nearly made me sick. at first, i made excuses. the birds are just molting because it's spring, they aren't sick. maybe those hamsters are just playing. but when i saw the albino underwater frogs jumping around, i became nauseous. they are some reaaaaally scary and nasty looking creepy little frogs. ewww. so to get away from them, i went back to watch the little hamsters while mayhem finished looking at the aquarium inhabitants. at that point i had to keep myself from crying. one hamster was seriously beating up on this other weaker hamster. the weak hamster was just swaying from side to side with the blows and had a tiny open sore on his teeny little face. it made me sick.

this weekend was kind of a mixed success. there were some good parts, but i'm winding down in the blahs. mayhem said something hurtful and i've kind of stayed in the pits since then. i need to soothe the blahs away.

just breathe.....

Marketers...

2006-03-28T19:32:00.000-06:00

damn marketers. ever since i graduated with my degree, i have been hounded with calls from that good ol' alma mater wanting me to donate. i got suckered into answering the first call, but made an excuse that i was in the middle of driving from work and couldn't deal with them at the moment. she sounded a little pissed and a little freaked, and said they'd try me later. boy she sure keeps a deal. i regularly get calls from them now. but at least now i recognize the number and just avoid picking up the call. i'm tempted to answer and say that i won't shell out any more money until i'm out of the debt called my student loan that was caused by their tuition, so try calling again in a decade or so. but i figure that would only open a whole can of worms about what a bargain that education was, etc etc. eventually they have to decide it's a wrong number and give up, right? i could tell them it's a wrong number, but then i would fear that my actual department might need to contact me (you know, to honor me for all my incredible accomplishments). blah.

Endurance napping...

2006-03-28T19:00:00.000-06:00

which came first, the grocery or the currency? for coining "paper or plastic" as a household phrase. obviously paper came first for both, and plastic is a relatively new phenomena for both. but did we start having the luxury of sacking up in plastic bags or pushing things onto credit first? my guess according to logic is that the currency came first, although maybe not in actual plastic form. but the depression was partially caused by way too much borrowing, cause all the cool kids were doing it and nobody had the heart to say no more. this is all so very random. but it was the thought i began to ponder as i settled in for a well deserved "recover from that exhausting day at work" siesta.

then just as i was falling asleep i heard a neighbor getting dumped. first she begged, and even asked if it would help if she got down on hands and knees and literally begged. the answer must have been no because she then broke into the ugly cry. deep heaving ugly cry.

quite the ordeal to experience just for a simple desire to take a little nap. so now we'll see if i am tortured further as i attempt to devour some ice cream.

Health...

2006-03-27T21:36:00.000-06:00

your health is the one thing you and only you have to experience yourself. you're blessed if it's good. but if it isn't, all that other people can do is support you and remind you that they'll be there as best they can. i have two people in my life who would do absolutely anything for me, and would probably experience health problems for me if i asked them to and they could. but the thing is, nobody can substitute themselves for you. if you have to live with pain or undergo surgery, you have to deal with it on your own. that's scary. you'd think that would really motivate you to take care of yourself. i wish that were the truth. i think i will call those people and remind them how much i love them though. kiss kiss.

Mushy gush...

2006-03-26T18:44:00.000-06:00

what a great weekend. i've felt loved, pampered, happy, relaxed, motivated, rich (fake rich, i'm nowhere even slightly close to being real rich, but it's fun to pretend), and down to earth. i wish this weekend would never end. so much fun. at least i've got a couple mementos of it. i bought a cute new nail polish and a new pair of shoes to show off the cute little toes. if i had gotten engaged and gotten a puppy then the weekend would have been perfect, but it's still pretty great.

i got to eat good food, hang out with friends and my mayhem baby, sleep late, and feel luxurious. we tried to go hot tubbing, but it was out of commision. next time, though, next time. and we will work out. mayhem and i will be more motivated next weekend. even if we don't, if it's a repeat of this weekend i won't care.

i'm so gushy right now that's about all i can think about. and i'm watching the last episode of friends, too, so i really can't form meaningful thoughts at the moment. maybe later...

Pamper me...

2006-03-23T20:43:00.000-06:00

wow, after today can i start the weekend early? i need mayhem to come over and pamper me.

first, i think i need a hot bath. with hot chocolate to drink and birthday cake ice cream.

and just like that *snap* my brain shifts... i just now grabbed some ice cream from my freezer and glanced into the kitchen sink. what do i see? that i just collected yet another tube of caulk from the maintenance guys. it seems to be the general rule that maintenence crews can only use a tube of caulk once. must be a new tube at each person's place and you must abandon the tube somewhere in their kitchen before leaving. seriously, i think i've got about 8 tubes of caulk thanks to handimen dropping their tube off in my kitchen.

so back to the pampering. i could go to bed really early, but the down side of that is that i would wake up to another horrible day that much earlier. bastards. all of them. i need to demand a little TLC from the boy. bitch better recognize!

Odd little quirk...

2006-03-21T22:13:00.000-06:00

ok, call me a freak, but it hits a soft spot in me when i hear about or see people in old clothes. like when they describe missing people on the news or something, and they say that the person is wearing stone washed jeans and a hypercolor t-shirt or something. instead of just thinking that the person must have really bad fashion choices, i think that they must be either very poor, wearing 2 decade old clothing, or very naive, and therefore at a higher risk for danger in the big bad world. i know it doesn't make sense, it isn't logical, but i always get that feeling. it seems like they need to be protected. maybe that's the feeling.... protectiveness. especially when it's children, thinking how badly they could get teased at school, and wanting somehow to protect them.

Important points...

2006-03-19T19:21:00.000-06:00

two important points today.

1) apparently i am now at the age where i start to fall apart. i have been graciously blessed with very good health and luck for most of my life. yet through this year of my life, i have slowly fallen to pieces. my emotions have gone haywire on a couple of occasions. i've thrown out my back. i sprained an ankle. i got food poisoning. i've started taking some targeted vitamins in hopes of counteracting this evil turn of events. and i've started "working" on myself like never before.

which leads me to point #2.

2) i just read something inspirational. pointing out that we are always so focused on working on ourselves that we almost never just be. so i think i am going to stop working on myself and just be myself. of course that still involves being the best me i can be, which is close to working on myself, but it still involves being happy with myself just as i am. the most amazing things come from being content and allowing things to happen, so that's the plan. let me just be me.

and hopefully as i be, i will stop falling apart.

Everybody poops...

2006-03-18T00:07:00.000-06:00

i'm giving you fair warning. i find this wildly hilarious and creative and am proud of myself for thinking of it. so i will hijack everybody with this whenever i get the chance. this is fair warning that i will create and hide a folder named POOP on the computer of anybody who gives me the chance. let me borrow your computer. leave it unattended. and you will have a poop folder. just because i find it that damn funny.

i've already done it to mayhem, but he found it and deleted it. just give me a little more time....

Cutie pie...

2006-03-14T20:57:00.000-06:00

ok, one day i will stop saying that i love scrubs. but tonight is not the night.

so a quick little cutsie story. i got a call this morning as i was getting ready for work. my stomach turned. everybody knows not to call me in the morning since i'm so not a morning person. i was scared it was going to be a coworker telling me bad news from the office... like that i had to get up there ASAP or screwed something up or something else i didn't want to hear. but at the last second i picked it up. hello? hey baby. it was mayhem from his office line. his anal boss doesn't want personal calls, so i didn't have the number programmed in my phone. new scare. "hey sweetie, what's wrong??" "nothing. but i forgot my phone at home so i just wanted to call and tell you so if you tried to reach me, you wouldn't worry." then he continued... what was i doing, had i already gotten dressed, did i think i could meet him after work. very cute.

now that i've related all the cute and cuddly, i think i'll strip down and shower.

Personal nurse...

2006-03-13T20:22:00.000-06:00

i've been a little absent. maybe because i was up to no good with the beer. pure debauchery i tells ya! of course i'm paying for it now. work was a little rough today.

i'm pretty sure i broke a few laws this weekend. like paying a stripper in public in front of a cop. that's gotta be breaking at least one law. and a few others. mayhem will never let me live that one down though. at one point he got on the phone with his mom and was taunting me that he would tell her about it. i found a way to convince him not to, thankfully. there's a lot of leverage that a woman has. mayhem told me that this weekend. pretty much said that i could get my way or get anything i wanted if i used my leverage correctly. i think i was just given the key to the city!

i think i'm going to nurse my weekend pains now. kinda screwed with my "being good" kick, but hey, i think it was worth it!

who of you are on spring break and planning on visiting me??

Consistent changes....

2006-03-09T21:48:00.000-06:00

i think i'm ready for change. most people seem to be either one type or another in a variety of areas. i seem to always be a little bit of both. like this... i like consistency yet i crave change. i hate when things get stagnant. i need forward momentum or a change up. not in the sense of needing drama or curveballs or anything, but when there is no movement to life it gets boring. i think i have literally gotten bored to tears with it before.

that's probably why i've gotten on this "improving myself" kick and why mayhem and i have been struggling at times. he's ok with the same old same old, and i'm getting bored with it. i want something new (not someBODY new, but something new in the relationship). i was kind of getting the blahs with the same old me, so i decided that making myself a better person would give my energy level a kick start and catch my attention.

yet at the same time, when i finally get home from a long day at work, the one thing i want to do most is flop down on the nearest cushioned surface until i flop down in bed. i've had a couple days when food was actually a deliberation because i was that tired. i think that was part of why i decided i needed to make some changes, but it's also the biggest hindrance to making those changes. while you're sitting at work, it sounds like a good idea to go home and work out, cook a meal, eat veggies, not have caffeine, read and learn instead of watching TV, etc etc. but in the moment, h.e.l.l. n.o.

if you could change one thing about yourself, what would you want to change? what's holding you back?

Reeves...

2006-03-07T22:16:00.000-06:00

how sad. so christopher reeves dies young. then dana reeves just died, at 44, from lung cancer when she didn't even smoke. they still have a 13 year old son who is now orphaned.

while you'd think a child would change things, i can't help but wonder if maybe this was another instance of the incredible lengths of love. i've heard of people who pass away soon after their spouse because they can't live without them. could it go so far as to leave you open to a cancer you wouldn't usually get, and to such an extent that it takes your life? granted i'm pondering all this with no knowledge of any part of the situation, but it does genuinely make me wonder. i've heard some pretty crazy stories about how your immune system listens to your heart.

Rebel with a heart....

2006-03-07T19:52:00.000-06:00

question. how do you get off the rollercoaster?

back to back to back i had such a streak of emotional days. first two days were absolute bliss. seriously the best couple of days that i've had with mayhem ever. then the third day was hell. reminded that i was vulnerable to rejection, even with him. which was one of the worst feelings to remember EVER. i hate feeling vulnerable, feeling insecure, so thankfully 99% of the time i am super confident and sure of myself. i just hate that he left me exposed to that feeling.

in other news, i'm still trying to "be good." the problem with my rebellious spirit is that as soon as i realize that i'm succeeding at being good, i want to be very bad. i know, none of you guys see that as a problem. but it's kind of bad for me if i find it so enticing to screw up what i've worked so hard to create.

who still has to do their taxes? me. so naive of me, i thought for sure i'd have them done back in january. should've known better.

time for scrubs again. i heart that show.

Important questiono...

2006-03-01T22:02:00.000-06:00

what the hell is the proper etiquette in dealing with somebody who you KNOW hates you (which makes you not their #1 fan), but who continues to pretend about once a year that they give a shit about your life? my first instinct is to do the defensive bitch thing and have it out, except i'm a pussycat and hate conflict, drama, and confrontations.

so plan B would be.......... ??

thanks in advance for help!

ASA...

2006-03-01T21:15:00.000-06:00

hi, my name is vortexia, and i hate stupid people.
hi vortexia. welcome to anti-stupidity anonymous.

seriously, i find it hard not to get ugly with stupid people. and when they're asses, it's that much harder. i mean, if you're nice but stupid, i will do my best to be patient with you. but when you're an asshole and act like you know everything when you don't, AND you're stupid, it's very hard for me to be nice to you. it's true. i do hate stupid people.

and sadly, my first experience with typepad has made me worry that it is stupid too. if i get something to actually work, i'll post the linky-loo.

Silly rabbit...

2006-02-28T21:57:00.000-06:00

once again, i must be the only one with a dirty mind. either that or i truly over estimate the intelligence of these advertising/marketing people. (of course, thinking back on the marketing and advertising majors i know, i should expect all commercials to strongly remember infant picture books and "pat the bunny.")

that activia yogurt by dannon that's supposed to fix your digestive track is my latest victim in the stupidity wars. so they zip these little yellow dots onto the tummy on the screen. then they form them into a downward-facing arrow toward the woman's privates and zip them down to her no-no areas. it's like those naughty t-shirts guys wear with various sayings that include an arrow to their dick. except this is a really bad commercial with forced acting by a couple women, and i can only interpret that "digestive track troubles" must been either diarrhea or constipation and this yogurt must be full of fiber or laxatives.

now i think i'll go buy a "pat the bunny" book and rip off the fur, send it to a certain marketer, and enjoy their utter confusion over how the bunny wasn't very fuzzy wuzzy?!

Luxury seeking...

2006-02-27T20:36:00.000-06:00

so... had a good weekend. had some fun shopping, had some fun with mayhem. have a secret that i'm going to keep ;) i nearly broke down yesterday and spilled, but i stayed strong and kept my mouth shut. it's hard when gossip is the bread and butter of my workplace.

i'm still being good with my promises to myself, too. but i did buy a bunch of candy. not so good. but oh well. it's kinda demented. i'm eating dozens of teensy little kids right now... sour patch kids. i don't like them yet i love them.

i want a vacation to just relax. sleep in late, cook decadent things, take a nap, watch movies, take a bath, then go to bed. i think that sounds absolutely delicious. oh to dream...

topics. questions. comments. throw them in my direction. i have a mental block on interesting topics at the moment.

Bed goals...

2006-02-22T21:12:00.000-06:00

so... i've made a ton of agreements with myself lately. seems like i always do that. i guess that's just kind of how you get things done. you tell yourself what you need to get done at work each day. you try to tell yourself what you're going to do that night, like exercising or cleaning or getting to bed at a decent time. you say you'll eat right. you tell yourself all kind of things, but then you find it very easy to break those promises. after all, you just decided you would do something. so what if you changed your mind....

but really, you should be truest to yourself first. i mostly do what i do because i over-promise and set lofty goals, and have to compromise when i can't do it all. there's no way i'm staying at work until midnight just to get everything done i decided i'd do, then stay up all night as i do everything i thought about doing. at a certain point, you rework those agreements and scale them back. i'll just finish this one task and call it a day. but i'm tired, so i'll go home and grab a bite to eat. not selling yourself the world, but it's what will actually happen.

don't know why this has been on my mind so much lately. i think because i set goals that i actually want to meet.

in other news, i am still very much in love with my bed. the love affair is getting out of control. every morning, my bed whispers delicious sweet nothings into my ear to try and convince me not to get out of bed every morning. it reminds me that another few minutes could just be blamed on traffic. that it could make the difference between dragging all day and being peppy. it reminds me how warm it is and how cold my apartment is. other than the warmth thing, they're all lies. but it's hard to remember that as a weak bed-loving woman. i'm so small compared to the bed, and when it captures me, it's so hard to escape.

speaking of beds, i think i'm going to reunite with mine.

The responsible life...

2006-02-20T21:44:00.000-06:00

i know i'm a sap when i saw the commercial for "miracle workers" and thought "wow, that looks like good tv."

when you're an adult, you have to be your own parent. if you need to take care of yourself, it's up to you. nobody is going to remind you to drink your milk or take your vitamins or clean up your room. some of it is easy because it's important to you and isn't a pain in your ass. some of it is hard because it's stuff you never really wanted to do or liked doing in the first place. now you can get away with it. but more than likely, it's still not good. you'd have a healthier environment if you cleaned. you'd have a healthier body if you ate right or took your vitamins or whatever. you'd have a better credit score if you paid your bills promptly (similar to the "come straight home and do your homework" philosophy).

i should save this speech for mothers day to show my appreciation for everything my mother taught me, no matter how much i hated it. i haven't grown to love cleaning, vacuuming, dusting, scrubbing, veggies, chugging water, walking for my health, or anything else i know i should do but wish i didn't have to do.

blah, that's about it. now i have to drink a glass of water because my new rule for myself is that when i can't make up my mind on what i want to drink, i have to have water instead of something better. being responsible sucks.

Smiles...

2006-02-19T16:57:00.000-06:00

this has been a good weekend. it has definitely made me smile. and while i wish it could last forever, it has seemed better and longer than most weekends, so i will feel satisfied rather than dissappointed when the night draws to an end and i must go to sleep knowing that i will wake up to another monday.

after weeks and weeks of being in a funk and agonizing over if and when mayhem and i should call it quits, we have struggled up the hill and conquered enough demons to feel like we're on steady ground again. this may be part of why my writing has been so sparse lately. i hate baring too much of the bad because i fear that i'll start getting an onslaught of "dump him" comments. it's so easy for outsiders to decide i'd be better off without him, but he's a part of me. there was nothing really remarkable that happened this weekend to bring us back into the good time. i think we had just finally reached that point. he broke through some of my barriers, and i let down some of my guard. i trust easily, but i also put up my shields easily too. it's hard to recover after breaking my trust, even if it's just a little bit. mayhem never cheated, he never abused me, he never did any of that horrendous stuff, just to clear the air. he did hurt me emotionally, though. he had started to take me for granted and spout off at the mouth a little to quickly. i remembered the old days when it was physically impossible for him to get upset with me and wondered what could have gone so wrong. in reality, i'm sure a happy medium is the healthiest. it's dangerous to know you can do no wrong... that's almost too much freedom for a human to have. but i can't be with somebody who gets upset with me easily, either. that was a part of my childhood that i'm glad is in the past. i couldn't handle it then. i'm a crybaby.

at any rate, we are doing much better now. i'm reminded of the man i fell in love with. the man i would consider marrying. and i think he is seeing that in me again as well. i'm happier, lighter, able to joke and just be with him. the most remarkable things are really so ordinary. they are things that anybody else can do, but it means nothing coming from them and everything coming from the one you love. like when i wake up hungry and mayhem braves the cold apartment and freezing floors and fixes me toast to have in breakfast so i can stay warm. anybody can fix toast. anybody can hand it to you. but it's more than that when it comes from him. just like hugs. anybody off the street could give you a hug, but it's not going to mean the same thing or feel the same way as that one person you love the most hugging you. the love, the history, the certain way they wrap their arms aroud you.

so before i make anybody nauseous, i will wrap up this entry. this weekend was incredible. i got to spend more time with mayhem than i have in ages, and it reminded me how much fun we have together. things are going much better again, and i certainly hope will stay better. i thank all of you for being supportive and helping me along this journey. now i'm off to soak in some bubbles!

You SO want me...

2006-02-17T19:24:00.000-06:00

today at work there was a visitor who could not keep his eyes off me. he was kinda cute, about my age, and had me totally undressed in his mind, judging by the looks he kept giving me. he never talked to me. but he watched my every move. he watched me write, watched me walk, watched me talk to coworkers, watched my everything. i considered hanging around until he had to leave to see if he had the balls to get my number. instead i decided to keep the upper hand and leave him wanting more. so i took my lunch break a little early and let him watch me walk away, shaking my hips and booty of course, all the way down the longest exit path i could find. it was a fine moment in my ass's history. and now the suspense... seeing if the guy finds a reason to visit again.

a discovery about work: it is really awkward to hear all of your coworkers discussing sex and wanting you to chime in. today was like "all about sex" day. everywhere i went, in all combinations. V day must have really made my coworkers randy! either they all got some and forgot how much they loved it, or they didn't get any and now they're in this horrible horny funk full of pent up sex drive.

the real V day...

2006-02-15T20:13:00.000-06:00

how awkward do you think it is for the cameramen for reality shows? i mean, people are hooking up, and the little man in your earpiece is saying, "get closer for a better shot." must be pretty awkward. unless it's a prerequisite that they're a total voyeur.

i'm back into a total music kick. but i'm po'. (as in poor. no money.) can't afford the CDs. can't afford the i tunes. it's pretty funked up that it's cheaper to buy DVDs (sound + picture, 2 hrs) than CDs (sound only, often under an hour) at this point.

can i just decide the work week is over already? this has been the worst week to get through. not my worst week at work, but the worst case of the mondays, every day, every afternoon, and every evening. ready to pull out my hair, cry, throw a fit, bitch, whatever it takes to be done with it.

oh, and v day was v day. yadda yadda. same typical thing, dinner out, expensive card, etc. but one of my coworkers got engaged, so that was cool for her. but the V day that i'm REALLY excited about is today. rock has declared that today, 2-15, is V day as in vortexia day. that's right, i kick that much ass. there is now a day devoted just to me. and we're not talking just an impromptu national vortexia weekend (which, by the way, needs to be celebrated soon!). this is a big deal day celebrated and embraced by millions. by next year there will be hallmark cards and sales and commercials about the new V day. hell yeah!

How bizzaaah, how bizaaah...

2006-02-13T18:46:00.000-06:00

(you know, that song from the 90s)

so i took a little siesta when i got hom from work and had a truly strange dream. it goes a little something like this...

i think i must have been an ad exec listening to pitches. one of them was a giganormous telephone (i mean, we're talking stood a couple stories high) shaped like a tyranasaurus rex. and get this. the actual telephone part of this monstrosity was the t-rex's penis. and he was proportionally rather small now that i think about it.

although it was funny in its own right, i couldn't argue that we could ever find a market for this thing, so i shot it down. in doing so, i called it horrifucking. because it was fucking horrible. as bad as fucking a whore (whore-i-fucking). then i started laughing hysterically, in the dream. but it was enough to wake me up at that point.

it was at that moment that i then looked up and saw my ceiling fan, which led to a bolt of inspiration. no, not to literally freeze myself to death by turning it on, but a brilliant photo shoot idea. (yes, stupid to tell the world in case somebody steals the idea, but also smart to show i called dibs on the idea first.) the necessities... digital camera, fan on low speed, a brave (or stupid) streak, and a lot of faith. put camera on timer plus burst-shot feature and steady it
facing outward on one of the blades. then it takes odd shots of the room in motion. pretty cool little photo essay if it turns out the way i envision it. we'll see if i can make it happen. i'll have to see if i have an available memory card first and foremost.

oh yes, and the most important thing to all the men out there, i did take note of tony's photo suggestion and do have a short plaid skirt........ first in line to be my photographer?

2006-02-11T13:50:00.000-06:00

regrets. there are some things in my life that i've always been curious about. if i took the other path, what would have happened. how would it have changed my life?

in other news, my back is in spasms right now. i don't know why, but it hurts like hell. i may shove a knife in it to ease the pain if it doesn't get better soon.

All about the dream...

2006-02-11T11:53:00.000-06:00

the other night, i cried so hard that my lip swelled. it was a very raw moment with a lot of very real pain that i had still hidden and shoved deep inside from when my mentor died. i had ignored and denied it because i couldn't deal with it at the time. truth is, i will probably always think of some excuse to never fully feel the pain and heal from it. i discovered long ago that i'm not one who enjoys that kind of "what's wrong?" attention and having to rehash the painful details a million times. plus i figure most of those people are being insincere and just want the scoop so they can gossip. the people i'm closest to know what happened, and i wrote some on here about it, but that's about it.

so now on to the topic at hand... dreams. i've had a lot of weird ones that i remembered lately. so here's a few of them. last night i had a dream where i started a new pack of birth control before i finished the old one, and then discovered that i had two going at once. i know, that one's boring and just kind of weird, but the others get a little more interesting.

in one i had a few nights ago, there was a supreme court justice who wrote a very scandalous tell all book about all the secret drama that goes on in the courts and in the personal lives of all the judges and in his life. he was being mobbed my the media to answer questions about this (not surprisingly) bestseller book that exposes a zillion skeletons in everyone's closets. they also want to know how this is going to affect the supreme court and his job there. he then announced that he was resigning. the media goes into a frenzy, and just as he is about to break free of them, he turns back and tosses out his final remark.... "oh yeah, and i'm gay." then off he goes in his black towncar, as the media roars.

in another dream, two of my superiors at work were talking and were very visibly upset about something. i ask what was wrong, and they couldn't even discuss it. they were just that upset. i kind of stood there with them for a few moments, trying to be supportive and available to comfort them if they wanted to talk. finally one of my coworkers, who is very large, looked down at a sandwich in his hand, and as a means of explanation of how detrimental this news had been, very sincerely told me, "i'm too upset to even eat." hard not to laugh at that irony. thankfully it was just a dream.

Leguizamo...

2006-02-09T21:00:00.000-06:00

funny coincidence. (unless it was on purpose.)

ER tonight. john leguizamo. got shot. he said not to worry about it, it was just a scratch. first movie i clearly remember him in was the baz lurman version of romeo and juliet. he was mercucio (i think), and got shot and said "tis just a scratch."

am i the only one who noticed? crazy! anyway, got me all excited for a second.

Peer pressure...

2006-02-08T21:25:00.000-06:00

teeheehee... as we were leaving work, one of my coworkers suggested that i unwind after this hellacious day by getting a little drinky drink. i decided to take their advice. i'm now in a very lovey mood. first person to stop by and cuddle (and lavish me with wonderful compliments) will be oh so very richly rewarded.

Beauty and the geek...

2006-02-08T20:50:00.000-06:00

so as we all probably know, i'm slightly addicted to beauty and the geek. i'm watching a week behind, though, so my comments are late.

this cher girl is a friggin bitch. a friggin frigid bitch. she treats her partner like crap. and she blatantly and openly acts like she hates the tristin chick. hi, it's her teammate that is the royal jackass. the poor girl's going through the ringer because she was forced to partner with the asshole of the show.

plus it shows that in the episode that will air tomorrow, she gets the sweet, hot guy. (hot for this crowd.) i always hate it when bad behaviors are rewarded.

random, but i have this coworker who seems super straight laced, conservative, and kind of uptight. in true drama porn movie style, i discovered that is apparently not the case. no big details as of yet because it's not one of the people i directly work with, but it is a woman i've seen around the workplace. it's kind of an interesting thought... i mean, i know i've shared this thought before, but we often have a "work persona" that is different from our true selves, at least to some extent. so even though these are the people you spend the most hours with every day, you don't know if you really know them.

why do we have so many crime shows? it seems like everybody is addicted to at least one of them, but why are they so popular, even when they come in a hundred different versions of the same basic premise? hmm, just curious.

any other valentine's gift ideas?

This is for livia...

2006-02-07T21:47:00.000-06:00

liv, i'd just like to say that the asian compuer wiz is now the SVU doctor. niiiiiiiice! jack of all trades :)

All over the place...

2006-02-07T19:28:00.000-06:00

it's been interesting. as it damn well should be if i was MIA since thursday! got to hang with family, friends, and mayhem. took some relaxation time, and just realized that there was a post over the weekend that got funked up and didn't appear. i'll have to post it.

there's so much interesting stuff that i can't especially share. i've made a lot of goals for myself lately. who wants to place bets on how long they'll last? so far i think i've made it for 2 days. we'll see how much longer i can go.

some things never change, of course. work is still work. mayhem is still mayhem. we're back on the good side of life for now. i fell for his luscious lips as he was apologizing, and i couldn't really remember why i was mad anymore. if we ever have children, they will have hideously large lips, but for the two of us, it's the source of endless fun. thank goodness i didn't end up with a skinny lipped man.

i'm sleepy. i'm still having my little crisis. it's not horrible, really. but trying to get used to working. coping with the idea of not having my school breaks. finding balance between all the things in my life (work, relationships, hobbies, etc), and trying to make time for all the things i'd like to add or change. thinking toward the future, with mayhem, with my job, with where i live, what i own, etc.

my biggest goal of late is to reduce my stress. i want to learn to chill more. do more to calm myself and more to prevent myself from getting stressed. i want to do more that's good for me, and stop some of the bad habits. i want to try to be more patient and understanding, and stop some of my bad thoughts (no, not the dirty ones... i'm keeping those!) i know... lofty goals.

in other news, one of my coworkers has started hitting on me again. he had been good for a little while, but he's back at it again. guess he can't help it since he has to work with a hottie like me ;) hehe. that reminds me, i just had a flashback of a dream i had where i was dancing to some sexy rap song with some of my coworkers during the middle of work. i think i climbed up on the desk at one point.

p.s. i LOVE scrubs!

new question of the day. very important: what should i get mayhem for valentines?

Dream choice...

2006-02-04T16:59:00.000-06:00

i had a weird dream last night. i was one of the people in grey's anatomy, and i came upon the chick (the daughter of dr. grey) who had dated dr. mcdreamy. she was sitting in the cafeteria
and was obviously upset. she had a calligraphy pen in her hand. i came up to her and asked what she was doing, and she told me as she held back tears that mcdreamy and the wife had asked her to do the calligraphy on their wedding invitations, but hadn't even invited her to the wedding. i called them assholes and other things, and then watched as she quickly calligraphied her name and address onto one of the envelopes and dropped it onto the stack with the others. we exchanged a little smile of confidence that i wouldn't tell, and that was that.

weird, huh? now i have to decide what to do with the rest of my day. i don't really want to do much of anything, but i have a lot of stuff i'm supposed to do. we'll see what gets done. if it were my choice, i think it would be a massage, mani/pedi, and getting a puppy. hmm, we'll see...

Brokeback vortexia...

2006-02-02T21:30:00.000-06:00

so how bad do you have to feel before you're allowed to go up to your boss, tell them you feel like shit, and just walk out of the door? i contemplated doing just that about 100 times today. i also contemplated falling asleep at my desk. i did neither. but don't think i wasn't tempted.

damnit, i just paid bills and i'm broke. broke like that mountain. shit, and i haven't even gotten all my bills for the month yet. think i could pay my gas bill with monopoly money? course i'd have to spend $40 i don't have to buy the monopoly game in the first place, so i guess it's pointless. rock, for this valentine's day, go with something practical for my gift, like paying off one of my bills. i think i may have to put myself on a budget... how sad is that?!

the asshole just called, so i guess i should get back to him. i'll try to have something more interesting than my checkbook to share next time. like maybe i'll have you guys play a game with me that i like to call, "find where V stashed her box of checks." naw, that's still boring and something i'll have to do on my own.

what color are your undies? mine are red today. besitos bebes!

Boy= code for headache...

2006-02-01T22:30:00.000-06:00

boys can be so fucking dense sometimes. yes, i definitely do need a rock weekend if it gives me the opportunity to be with an adult male who uses his brain.

mayhem has promised for a couple days that he would come over. didn't follow through, didn't follow through. finally followed through today, but in the shittiest fashion he could. i buzzed him in, and about 20 minutes later he came to the door. he was on the phone. let him in, and he walked into the back room to continue talking on the phone away from me. finally gets off, and starts giving me the play by play of the conversation. i had planned on bowling him over at the door, slamming him up against the wall, and making out with him. that never happened. we start talking about something else, and again, pisses me off. then, in very rare form for him, he gets pissed at ME for getting upset. i coulda killed him. and he preemptively got upset at me because the THOUGHT i was going to make a mean comment about something. so fine. you get nothing from me. ooooooh, it makes me so mad. i'm sick of him being a jerk and his jerk friend who screwed me over, and his jerk family who can be a huge pain in my ass.

give me a giant bottle of vino and some angry music and i'll have a fun old time this weekend... much better than i would having to endure him being an ass. boys... fuck 'em.