Tuesday, August 31, 2004

Better late than never... 

so i forgot to post about this when it happened, last weekish maybe? but it's definitely worth posting. cracked me up.

mayhem and i went to see a movie last week, and as we were walking out he had to stop by the restroom. the couple that had been sitting down the row from us was now walking in front of us. we noticed them because the dude tripped over his own feet walking down the stairs of the theater. so anyway, we were behind them until we stopped outside the men's restroom. for some reason that made the guy glance back. he and his girl rounded around the service console and around to a side exit from the building. as they turned parallel toward me, he glanced over again for a little longer. then as they approached the door, he looked again. holding the door open for his girlfriend he stared for quite a while since his girlfriend couldn't follow his gaze. halfway out the door he glanced again. and then after his body was already out the door, he backed up a step, stuck his head and arm back into the building, and pointed at me. the kind where you point your entire arm straight at the person, just under your eye, and squint your eye to aim it directly at the person. yay, that's not blatant. holy freaking cow. by that time i was blushing because i couldn't believe that he would be that obvious about it! i mean, seriously... discrete meant nothing to him. and even nicer was that he was good looking and appeared to be a fully functioning person. anyway, he gave mayhem and me a good laugh. i'm lucky that mayhem doesn't get jealous easily. in fact, he takes it in stride and feels proud that he's got the girl that everyone else is looking at.

as far as today goes, it went. thankfully my morning class is interesting and goes by faster than the timespan usually makes it feel. the prof is engaging, the topic is a little hard to handle, and he keeps a good balance of stories, info, and interaction. my afternoon class puts me to sleep, except i had a little reprieve when we broke into groups to practice something and our group just made it all funny. that's what we do best. night class got out early, so what else matters? the prof is pretty hot/cold, though... she is critical and harsh over nothing and doesn't like if you try to add something to the discussion that she doesn't already know, but then later it all disappears and she's kinda nice again. this won't get old after awhile... no, of course not.

i find it ironic that during the news i just overheard something about some other country where a dictator was denied the ability to do exactly what bush is doing right now: tapping phones, detaining people indefinitely, etc. somebody must have heard that you can take away all those personal freedoms on the precept of patriotism and safety... thankfully for the citizens of his country, somebody was supervising and recognized that it was a BAD idea. too bad for us that nobody cared until it was too freaking late.

P.S. Keep them in your prayers.


Monday, August 30, 2004


oh yeah, one more thing. a couple days after we went to see 'harold & kumar go to white castle,' i saw neil patrick harris in one of my dreams. (the grown up doogie houser was in the show.) i can't remember why or what happened anymore, other than that i think i made fun of him. just figured i should share for some reason.

P.S. Keep them in your prayers.


Keep on truckin... 

seems like all i did today was drive. had to go to the parents' house so i could take my mom to a small medical procedure today. (she's fine by the way.) so i got up, drove her there, waited around reading a book and trying to ignore the stupid soap operas on TV and the annoying people in the waiting room. she got out, i drove us to lunch, back home, and then myself back to my home. mid afternoon and it was already rush hour traffic in one of the major cities between us. yeesh.

ok, so those stupid people in the waiting room were really getting to me. an older couple that was apparently waiting on another older person. they talked in very loud voices about that poor woman's procedure and other medical issues, about how one of them just didn't understand "the price is right" (how is that show difficult to understand?!), dissecting commercials and how "clever" it was that they made you think one thing to "draw you in" before you realized it was about something else (is that seriously "clever" and "intriguing" to people??!), and about how soap operas are just not the same anymore... this was said as they were talking about how the actors never used to have to take their clothes off, and yet this couple was still trying to figure out if the point was that the couple was planning on having sex or not. hmmm, maybe the soap operas were driven to make things more explicit so people like this could follow the plot line. if they can't figure things out when 2 people are naked together, then how did they ever connect the dots before?! wow. i seriously considered leaving the waiting room just so i didn't have to hear them talk anymore. it was that bad. and they were LOUD. once they came in, they drowned out the soap opera i had been trying to ignore. except i still heard about what was happening, just through their "i don't get it" filter.

oh well. enough of that. possibly more later tonight.

P.S. Keep them in your prayers.


Sunday, August 29, 2004


i'm feeling hungry and tired. not really tired like the i-didn't-get-enough-sleep kind, but the i want to be extremely lazy and do nothing kind of tired. i still feel like i'm being extremely tough, sometimes in a good way, other times in a not quite so good way. i think it's because i'm not letting myself think about things (the death). i feel like i'm supposed to be more emotional about it. like i'm supposed to be thinking about it more frequently. like i'm supposed to be living in a dark cloud, despite all the stuff i have to do and for which i have to be "normal" in order to survive this last year of school and interning. i don't know what it is... if i'm "good" at dealing with it and getting on with life, if i'm in denial, if i'm just not giving myself enough time to process it all, if it's some mixture of the above, or what. and it seems like people want to know how i'm doing (expecting that i'm struggling), but then want me to get past it when the conversation gets uncomfortable for them. granted not all people act like that, and i have some amazing friends who do just whan i need them to do, but it's rough with those who do act that way. it makes me kind of what to avoid them. and i just realized that i still haven't let many people know even. *sigh* more things to do.

ok, just some random thoughts i've been thinking.

P.S. Keep them in your prayers.


Saturday, August 28, 2004

Two things and then another... 

here are two things that i do not like, and then one thing i do like very much.

1) i just had to kill a spider in my apartment. i HATE spiders. they scare the freaking crap out of me. and when i came at this one he looked at me like he was just waiting for me to zoom in for the kill so that he could jump on me and hurt me. eww ew ewewewewew. ewww. and they were supposed to spray for bugs outside my building today except the sky broke loose with a horrible storm. i think it was a conspiracy. hahah.

2) i live fairly close to a ballpark. i know that some of you think i must be the luckiest girl in the world because of that, but when you're coming home from work at 5 and they already have roads blocked off for the game and thousands of people want the same exit as you, except they're about to go have a fun time and you're about to go home to a stuffy apartment with things still to unpack and food to make.... yeah, you might get just a little bitter. but i'm ok for now... i killed the spider before the spider killed me.

oh, and something i would very much like:
i really want to see the beastie boys this time around. it may be their last concert (or the last one while they still sound really good and not like those bands where people joke about needing handrails). anybody want to donate a couple tickets for the cause? or some dinero toward the purchase of said tickets? i would be happy to accept! gotta love them beastie boys.

Jesus was a hippie,
(i think this is how i will sign my name now. i kinda like it.)

P.S. Keep them in your prayers.


Religious proclamation... 

as far as i can remember, i rarely talk about religion. mostly because i don't like when others do. unless they're pretty liberal about it. but you know how rare that is. so when i find somebody who is liberal and understands what i understand about religion, and specifically Christianity, it makes me happy. but it is only once in a blue moon that i find that.

when i read the Bible or study Christianity (or other religions really), i never seem to see what others see. i see God as being very loving and forgiving and cool. i know that others seem to see a rigid, condemning, angry being who likes to pass judgement, but i just don't see it that way. things like God is love, God is forgiving, and other sayings like that seem to be on my side.

anyway, all of this was really to get to one important point. i want to make a shirt that has the following proclamation:

Jesus was a hippie.

because as i see it, that's the truth. let's see: he had long hair, wore simple robes, and sandals. he was cool with everyone and willing to help and forgive them all. he never sweated anything... 'no food? i'll make what we have multiply. no wine? no biggie, i can make water into wine. that's how much i like my wine.' he hung out all the time with some questionable men. he was the radical, the young wild dude that the old men didn't trust. i'll say it again... the way i see it, Jesus was a hippie. and to be honest, that makes me very happy and proud of him.

ok, don't expect anything else religious for like another year or so. since i can't be one of those bloggers who refrains from talking politics, i can at least be one of those bloggers who rarely discusses religion.

P.S. i'm pretty sure i just ate some bad tortellini. ewwwwwww.

P.P.S. Keep them in your prayers.


Yay productivity!... 

this has been a relatively productive few days. and you know what? that actually feels really good. ran all my errands yesterday, so i started off the "real" weekend without errands. i gotta say that is an amazing feeling. today i fixed my toilet, put away some dishes, washed other dishes, covered some stuff in storage, slept in a little, and i think did some other things that i no longer remember at this point. but that's pretty productive! and in a weird masochistic way, i'm kind of liking that my body is used to getting up earlier now. so now i can wake up early, look at the clock, and decide i want to sleep in longer. then when i get up at 10 i have that good feeling of both sleeping in AND getting up early. it's nice. makes me feel good about myself. i need to find/unpack my camera sometime in the near future so that i can post some pictures i took like a month ago. i think i took them to post. i can't even remember now, though. but anyway...

i want to go swimming tonight. the complex pool is looking really tempting to me right now. ideally, i'd like to wait for mayhem so we can swim together. and he made a promise to me yesterday that he would start working out (starting last night supposedly), so i'm excited to see if he followed through. if he hasn't i may suggest that we both work out a little together and then reward ourselves/ cool down with a swim. he's one of those lucky guys who carries the weight extremely well, but he really has crossed into the overweight category. and with his family history, he needs to keep that in check for the sake of his own health. i worry about him and we both have that horrible lack of motivation, so i'm hoping that i can motivate him to work out and in turn will begin working out a little myself. i don't need to lose weight, but i would like to have enough muscle tone and endurance to stay healthy.

hmmm, kind of a random post. did i mention that i fixed my own toilet?! i was really impressed with that. sure if you broke it down into a play-by-play it might be less impressive (called daddy and said i needed help because it wouldn't work, and in the process i barely nudged something that made it start working again). but whatever, i still call it a success. i fixed the toilet! yay for me :)

so i guess that was kind of my day. i keep feeling like there was more to it, but i don't remember. so oh well. i'll keep being productive, since i'm liking the after effects. however, the motivation is lower in the bedroom and closet. i don't have a radio, CD, TV, or anything else to keep me entertained there. oh well. we'll see what happens.

P.S. Keep them in your prayers.


Friday, August 27, 2004

Tired ass... 

really freaking busy day. got up this morning and lazed for a little while, and then the anxiety hit. i had a lot to get done and needed to get going. so i ate some cinnamony things for breakfast as a typed the previous post, and then hit the road. apartment to check on the repairs and some other things that i forgot to ask about (this is why i need to buy stock in the post it 3M corp). home depot for wood stain (accidentally insulted an incompetent worker who walked up behind me as i was saying i wasn't going to ask him for help because he didn't give two shits about it). copy store for a big ass course packet. bookstore to return a book and buy a more expensive one. computer store to buy more expensive crap in hopes of getting the new computer to hook up with the internet. and my favorite store, super target, for my food and housing needs... except that the really adorable camisole i wanted to get no longer had any available matching panties, so i had to leave it behind. (and don't cringe, it wasn't that dreaded "walmart quality" lingerie... it was a cute little well-made camisole that i could wear with jeans and make people think things they shouldn't think.)

and then came the drive home. made the mistake of taking a longer route with frozen foods in the trunk because i thought i missed school zones that way. boy was i wrong. they were all over the place. took f-o-r-e-v-e-r to get home. and i still hadn't had lunch. and it was nearly dinner time by that point. i could've hurt somebody if one more person fucked with me. OH... and i saw a guy come thisclose to running over two elderly women in the target parking lot. he swung straight into that hashed pedestrian-has-the-right-of-way section going way too fast and never slowed down for them. in fact, he was going so fast that they were standing in the intersection before he even turned into the parking lot and was on top of them in time that he would have run them over if they were not about 2 steps past the edge of his car. i was ready to kill him for them.

aaaaaaaaand when we get home, i try the computer on the internet again, and once more it doesn't work. so i have to pay $40 for somebody else to come out and make it work. damn fockers. (random note: meet the fockers is coming out sometime in the near future.)

another random note... anybody else notice that lately concerts haven't been selling out? i think they've reached that limit on making tickets so expensive that not enough people in the large surrounding community can afford to go. that really bites. and ticketmaster, i could have a few choice words for you, but i won't get into that.

and now, i'm exhausted and would like some sleep in my great big bed without the alarm on. yummmmmmmm!

note: target and/or 3M, i would be happy to blog for you or for you to pay me to blog on here and drop your name every once in awhile. i know i already do it, but you would give me a good incentive to continue. just something to think about!

P.S. Keep them in your prayers.



sorry guys, meant to post last night and i didn't get around to it. convinced mayhem that he needed to come over last night since neither of us had work today. saw harold & kumar go to white castle. there were several funny parts, but there were definitely a couple times when i wished the movie would just end because it was so boring and redundant. like the long "dramatic" monologues.

oh, and i've decided that the names for phone calls are redundant. there's outgoing and incoming. but those are backwards and redundant. you could simply say that the phone call was out (to the outside world) or in (in to you). or that the phone call was going (leaving your phone) or coming (to your phone). plus they are backwards.
"what are you doing tonight?"
"i'm outgoing."

"i couldn't tell if he was coming or going from here."
"oh, he was incoming to the store."

yes, it is before that time when i make coherent thoughts. i just realized that i left my computer on all night, so i rolled out of bed to save the poor aging thing from more misery and give it a rest. but i got drawn in first. more later. breakfast first.

P.S. Keep them in your prayers.


Wednesday, August 25, 2004

Update and more thoughts... 

so i just got home successfully from the internship. made it through the first day and i'm still alive. people seem to be nice where i work. i probably won't remember the names of most of them (since i've forgotten most of them already), but i'll learn eventually. can't say much of anything, but i can say that it wasn't the most challenging day that i'll have. although it wasn't an easy day, i'm being started off slow. so in a few days they'll throw me in. then i'll have the hardest few days of it all. but hopefully i'll be able to handle it all.

how weird. i saw a commercial for a movie that was rated R, and for a moment i had that feeling like when i was under 17 and it was bad to go because you weren't allowed. like "ooh, i want to see that movie but i'm not old enough yet." then i realized that i've been old enough for many years now. very strange to have that feeling.

oh yeah, and i just gotta say that my red bra has really grown on me. when i first got it, it was mostly because of the color. i wasn't too sure if i would like the rest of it or not. but i am quite pleasantly pleased. it looks better all by itself than it does under clothes, and it's quite a beautiful sight. i really need to quit writing about my bras and boobs, but a woman's allowed to brag about the beautiful beings that she's nurtured and raised. sorry, i'll keep the breast stuff to a minimum.

and just a little fyi: the reason that marie callender's food is so good is because of all the fat. as i waited for my small turkey pot pie i happened to look at the nutrition panel. yeah, 40 grams of fat for TURKEY. maybe that's just really high because i never look at the nutrition labels, but it seems really high.

P.S. Keep them in your prayers.


Mid day... 

wrote this on scrap paper during lunch:

1st day, lunchtime. couldn't find a lunchroom and nobody asked me out for lunch, so i'm the lonely girl eating alone in her office.

so scared this morning that i woke up a couple hours early and couldn't get back to sleep. had to wear looser fitting pants so there was as little pressure on my stomach as possible... that's how nauseous i was. really felt like i could start shaking, crying, or throwing up at any moment. luckily i stopped the shaking, held the tears, and breathed deeply to ward off further nausea.

calmed down once i got here. i may start out slowly but it's hard to tell. what they say and do may be two different things. so we'll see. more tonight...

P.S. Keep them in your prayers.


Tuesday, August 24, 2004

Super fast... 

sorry guys, this has to be another really quick post. first day of classes. full day of course. first day of the internship tomorrow. have to get up early and drive through morning rush hour to the nearest major city. oh what fun. and i'm scared, intimidated, nervous, overwhelmed, and any other feeling you can have about a new job. except i'm pretty sure that i'm fully unqualified for what they'll expect me to do. i really shouldn't be trusted with much beyond writing appointments into a calendar. i can master the phone after a couple months maybe. but of course my responsibilities will extend far beyond that. i may have peoples' lives in my hands. and i'm seriously not saying this so that you people reassure me that i am fully qualified and will do well. people have already told me that. i know they're lying. it's not true. i front well. that's about it. i can act nice and confident and smile. so people think i'm capable. but i'm not. ok, let's hope after the first day these feelings are lessened and not heightened. hopefully i'll get in there and a wave of calm will hit me and i'll feel like i can do it. in all actuality, i haven't been able to get too nervous about it with everything else that's happened in my life lately. so it's just kind of like "ok here's another thing to tackle. let's get this over with." so maybe that's good. ok, this was supposed to be short and i've just rambled. so blah. updates tomorrow.

P.S. Keep them in your prayers.


Monday, August 23, 2004


i have a few questions:

is it just me or does the youngest girl on 7th heaven (ruth? ruthie? yeah, something like that) look like she's been adopted into that family.

do you think jessica simpson's sister would be an unknown if she weren't sisters with jessica? and she seems kinda bratty.

i think the kids on 7th heaven are kind of freaky. bratty kids, kids with morals greater than most ministers, blah blah weird.

so i just saw that apparently they had a 12 mile (or something like that) walk race today at the olympics. when was that added? and what are the rules? you have to walk faster than anyone else but can't run. if you walk too fast you're disqualified and if you walk too slow you lose? seems kind of pointless... damned if you do and damned if you don't. now i totally understand walking being athletic and all that, i just think it would be pretty hard to do a walking race per se.

the last question was actually something worthwhile, i think, but now i've forgotten it. i'll post it if i ever remember what it was. that whole saving the best for last thing kinda fell on its ass i guess.

P.S. Keep them in your prayers.


A few more things... 

i would just like to say that i really like the new commercial for the touareg. or however it's spelled. the music is good (anybody know who it is and what song?) and it's sweet. and it helps that i instantly fell in love with the car. if i ever get an SUV and can afford it, that's what i'll check into first. although i'm sure that mayhem and friends will then promptly try to take it from me to go mudding.

i'd also like to hear one of the olympic commentators get fed up with his co-commentator. just one "no shit sherlock" would make me happy.

and finally, i forgot to mention that if my travels were made under different circumstances, i could have met several of you. i think 5 of you maybe? of the ones whose locations i know, of course.

P.S. Keep them in your prayers.



if you care about the condition of the arms of your chair, then never buy a desk chair from me. i'm finally back to my leather executive chair instead of a little dining table chair for my computer desk, so i'm twirling around, twirling back to catch something on TV, bumping the arms against the desk... it's good to have my wonderful chair back, though. that's all. totally random.

P.S. Keep them in your prayers.



see? told you i'd be back. i forgot about this in the last post. some emotions that flooded me last night.

i read a line last night about this girl being so happy with her life at that moment because she had married the love of her life and had just found out she was pregnant. it made me tear up a little. at first i was surprised, thinking that i was actually starting to feel a twinge of maternal instinct rising up inside me. it was very shocking since right now i have very little desire to have children. i'm the type who has been assured by others that i will make an amazing mother, but i have some serious doubts myself. there are many things that need to come fist in my life. like marriage, stability, career, etc. but then i realized... marriage. ah yes, there's the real reason it hit me. married to the love of her life. oh how i want that. and she's the kind who is just happy with life. descendant of hippies (i think), so she has a little of that hippiness herself. thrift store clothes are better than the original version at the store. living in a little apartment because it's cheap and living off not much is fine. they're happy and that's what really counts. so they scrape by and build their wealth in love rather than money. they discover that they're pregnant. they worry temporarily about the added expenses that they won't be able to afford easily, but let it all go for the joy of having a child of their own. very free. very down to earth and yet not. very in love. and that's the part i want. i want to just let go of all the "practicalities" and planning and just throw caution to the wind and get married. or at least engaged. i found the love of my life and i don't know why i have to wait. sometimes i'm fine with it and other times i get like this and am sick of the wait. and let me tell you, it feels very strange to say that i've found the love of my life. but it always takes me a long time to get comfortable with labels and titles. i'll find it weird to be called ms. vortexia at work. i found it weird to start calling mayhem my boyfriend way back in the day. i definitely found it weird to be called his girlfriend. but anyway. i guess it's hard because i have the man, the place to live (this apartment would be so fun to share), the career path, but i haven't found any money yet. a job that pays. blah. i'll get over this soon. and then i'll be happy with what i have again. i do have most of the puzzle pieces. and i'm extremely grateful for that. and in a couple years it will all fall into place. for now i'll just be happy for others who have what i want. and happy for myself for what i have so far. in time, V, in time...

P.S. Keep them in your prayers.


Stream of consciousness... 

*disclaimer: this will be a weird post.

so i don't think i'm quite ready to write about all the nitty gritty about what happened with the passing away and the trip and all that. i'll come around to it, but i can't do it right now. about 90% of the time i'm fine, but then strange little things will make me start thinking about her again and how much i miss her and i get all sad again. i don't know if the other 90% of me is at peace with it or in denial. or if it's kind of a 50-50 split. anyway, i just wanted to let you know. be patient with me and you'll get the story.

right now i'm getting frustrated with my upstairs neighbors. for the most part they've been really good. not too loud and thumpy or anything. but last night and this morning they've been really loud. dribbled a basketball directly above my head at one point last night. then were stomping all around this morning. but they're still much better than the last people who lived above me, so i deal.

i'm eating hot tamales for breakfast. like the jelly cinnamony things. i've been told i'm a hot tamale before. i'm hot right now, in both senses of the word. i have shitloads of stuff to do today, but at the same time i feel like doing n-o-t-h-i-n-g. well, maybe a few little things around the apartment, but nothing major. i think i have to buy a wireless router for the new computer to make it work. bitchness. i have a million and one things i have to buy. yuck. yuck because it's money and i'll have to wear clothes and drive in a hot car and go to many different stores and find everything i need in the stores and buy things and pay for them and then lug them into my apartment and put them away or use them or whatever was the purpose of me having to buy them. so yuck. i kind of grew out of that "like, oh my gosh, shopping is just like sooooooo fun!" mode a while back. and then i will feel sad and guilty when i see the final price for it all. but my car hasn't been driven in forever because i've been gone so long, so i better suck it up and deal with it. oh, and i have to make a hundred phone calls to all the people who are worried about me. some i genuinely want to make, but others i'm dreading a little. you kind of learn who can take the news that something horrible happened in one of the lives of their friends and who doesn't know how to react. makes calling those people who don't know how to react a little harder. i'm kind of ready to get away from my life for awhile. like i am very glad i was able to leave for the funeral and all, but that was my small block of time to get my sanity back together. i feel like i need it more than ever, but won't have time for it until the end of december. hopefully the internship will start off slowly (i told them what i'd been going through), so i can at least catch my breath and warm up to that. and i won't be thrown into stuff with school too fast... it's always at least a couple weeks before the first assignment is due. so i just need to refocus and feel like i can do it. and i can take time for myself each night even though i was busy during the day. (and if you're wondering what i'm doing writing this if everything started this week, my stuff doesn't start until tomorrow. another saving grace.)

which brings me to my next random thought. i really am ready to shift my thinking in my life. i want to live better and happier. i want to roll with the punches more. find the good in more things that could otherwise bring me down. make others happier. love better. be stronger. be happier. inspire others. ok, this is just getting sappy. but i kind of feel like the torch has been passed down to me now. i feel like it's time for me to grow up, become more *shudders* maternal maybe?!, and take on some of the responsibilities and actions and beliefs, etc that my role model had. i know her children are logically next in line, but once you're in your 50s you're more set in your ways. of course, some help from them is always welcome. but i think i ought to live my life similar to her (in some aspects). i guess maybe i do and just don't give myself credit for it. i know how selfish or pouty or lazy or whatever else i can be, but some of those are things that only that person knows about themselves. i don't know what i'm saying or where this is going. i'm just having random thoughts. well anyway, i guess i'll go. maybe if i laze around a little while then i'll feel up to getting stuff done. i'll probably be back with more posts.

P.S. Keep them in your prayers.


Sunday, August 22, 2004

Just be... 

again, this will be short. but i just have to say that it is so great to be by myself again. i love my family and it is great to see extended family. but it is never easy being trapped in a car with the parents for extended periods of time. and there was way too much of that. tonight i was finally freed and was able to be myself again. if i wanted to bitch about something they did, i could. i could do whatever i wanted, stay up as late as i wanted, sleep in without being woken up, whatever. and getting to see mayhem tonight was wonderful. he came with me, but we haven't been able to so much as make out in probably 3 weeks or more. little pecks in passing were the extent of it before tonight. sooooo frustrating. so i called him and told him he had to come over. lucky me, his mom was out of town, so he was able to come by.

now if i could just get the rest of life back in order. and if any of you currently or used to work for tech support and know cable internet and laptops, please let me know. brand spanking new computer and it refuses to get on the internet. erg. oh, and i just need to get this off my chest. fucking bridesmaid dress obligations. sorry, it frustrates me because it suddenly adds many more obligations to my plate that i wouldn't have if i kept to myself in my own little life. i'm still flattered to be a bridesmaid for this chick, but it requires a whole lot of shit (flights, expensive dresses, helping with various things, hotel costs, alterations because she chose a dress that starts in a size much larger than i wear, etc etc). still flattered, just currently bitching and selfish. don't write me off as un-bridesmaidable if you were considering me. i'll still be there with a smile. ok, this is just a weird post. i better just let it go.

P.S. Keep them in your prayers.



hi guys. this is a super quick post just to let you all know that i'm back. i promise to give details about the trip, what happened, the amazing woman who will be missed by this world and who is currently being welcomed by all the lucky souls in heaven who get to be blessed by her presence, the new purchases and additions to my life and apartment, the craziness of the next week and so much more. right now i need to catch up on some blog reading and emails, and see mayhem. i will write more tomorrow, but i just had to give a great big thank you to everyone. i really appreciate the thoughts, prayers, words of wisdom and so much else. i'll try to respond to emails and such with time and i'll get caught up with everyone's blogging lives soon. also thank you to everyone who has checked back or will do so now that i'm posting again... it's a good feeling to know that you don't stop reading me just because i can't post for a week or so. so spread the word... i'm finally back. more to come soon.

love you guys. seriously. and thanks again.

P.S. Keep them in your prayers.


Friday, August 13, 2004

She's dying... 

this is quick just to let you know that she's dying. my role model is dying. something tore in the surgery and will kill her. quickly. so she's on morphine and oxygen until the time comes. needless to say i'll be gone for a while. your thoughts and prayers for us are greatly appreciated. i'll be back whenever i'm back.

P.S. Keep them in your prayers.


Thursday, August 12, 2004

A quiziepoo... 

i want to know more about people and tell more too, so i'm going to ask a few questions. you can respond if you want on your own blogs, the comments, emails, whatever. and if you do respond, try to link me or tell me so i know to check it out! thanks mucho!

1. what qualities does your ideal mate possess (or who if somebody we know already possesses them)? he needs to be smart, sweet, funny, sensitive to a reasonable extent, cute, cuddlable, sexy, able to hold intelligent conversations on topics of interest, and willing to go with the flow of whatever emotion i decide to throw out-- act crazy and hyper with me, but also hug and comfort me when the going gets tough. i'm sure i could go on forever with this, but here's the short list. (car and computer knowledge and muscles big enough to help me move are always a plus since i've needed all of the above lately.)

2. what is your favorite body part? this is a hard one... i used to say hands because guys' hands are strong and make you seem protected even if you're just holding hands. but i don't know. i mean truly, i think gorgeous eyes and a good smile are so sexy. other body parts can be really sexy as well if the man works out, like his stomach and back... but i think eyes take number one.

3. favorite eyecolor? as i mentioned earlier, blue on men is hot. but other eye colors can be equally hot depending on the color and the man.

4. fastest turn on? i would have to say the guy being really sweet to me. of course i've been in a relationship for awhile now, so it's probably different than if i was just dating. but being treated like the goddess that i am will most certainly put you on the top of my VIP list.

5. blogger you would want to interview? many. tony to see what he's like unscripted and spur of the moment (probably pretty similar to his entries). steven to see if i can figure out all the paradoxes in him. andy to see if he is capable of talking about things other than sex. my canadians, j-mo, ed, and nico, since i feel like i know them already. and give a quick thanks to josh for being so sweet and reassuring in the comments when that's what i need most, and say hi to matt again and wish him luck on the move. and i'm sure there are many others. but that's a start.

keeping it short so you can just reply in comments if you want. if i think of others, then i'll do a second edition.

P.S. Keep them in your prayers.


Customer support... 

oy de mi! i just spent over an hour on the phone with customer service. late afternoon my internet crapped out. figured it was just a little while and then it would come back. well around 11 i decided i had enough. so i called. the girl sounded extremely young and possibly not quite proficient in reading a manual. but she determined that i lost internet b/c i had just moved so they had deleted my old account. why? who knows. i paid enough in transfer fees that i should have avoided all problems. but whatever. so she walks me through the stuff to get it all set up again. told me several things that didn't work and didn't seem to want to back down. then she started to get huffy that it took too long for my computer to reboot. she told me to write down the directions and that if they didn't work, i should call the computer manufacturer because it was a problem with them and not with my internet. wtf?! seriously. internet causes internet problems. end of story. punk. so i keep her talking through the boot up saying that when she had me do one thing that froze my computer, it did seem to work. but then she went back and said that was wrong and i should do something else. that something made the internet stop working. so i finally got her to say that she'd just double check.

yeah. she was wrong. was just like "oh sorry, that isn't checked." ok so try that. not like "oh crap, i told you wrong, froze your computer 3 times and then got upset with you for having an old computer that takes awhile to reboot when i freeze it so i should try reading the manual correctly the first time this go around. sorry." because i would have apologized. but i would have double checked the manual when i was told that it was denying access the first time. but whatever. it's all back and running again. so i'm off to bed. i moved a lot of furniture today. by myself. my back hurts. i hope i'm too young for hernias. i need to get to the grocery and buy some food, but i never know what i should get. my old standbys for food that you can "cook" without having to cook are starting to get old. if you have any ideas (and things that serve 1 or 2), then let me know. thanks! g'night!

P.S. Keep them in your prayers.


Wednesday, August 11, 2004


who's the smart one who packed the band aids in such an obscure place that they cannot be found? me. who is now wearing the man's band aid... duct tape with paper towel underneath to keep her finger from falling off? me. who's the one who apparently can't even master the can and steer clear of the razor sharp edge of the lid? me. but who is talented enough to open several boxes and unstack them off each other with her right hand in the air to keep the blood circulation to a minimum? me. yeesh.

P.S. Keep them in your prayers.



ok, something i've been thinking about. probably for the women, but men can weigh in on their viewpoint as well. does it make any other women uncomfortable to hear things like "i can't live without you," "i'll never let you go," "i don't know what i'd do without you," etc? maybe it's because i like being strong and independent on my own, or because i don't think you should have to rely on somebody else just to survive from day to day, or because it sounds too possessive and possibly damaging. like the underlying message behind it is "i wouldn't find life worth living if you every left me," "i would try to physically stop you if you tried to leave" and things of that nature. i don't want to think that leaving somebody could bring about bodily harm or death for either person. with time i now know that is not the underlying message with the boy when he says things of that nature. he would never try to hurt me, and he would not try to hurt himself. he would be upset, but he could get on with life. and something about that makes it more comfortable to stay. i guess i had a mentality that if it would be a disastrous ending, then it was better to get it over and leave before there was a serious attachment. but knowing that it won't get ugly makes it even better to stay. that along with a thousand other wonderful things about him and us. i miss him. being apart for any period of time is tough. i did hear from him yesterday though. first time since he left. funeral's today. still not sure when he's coming back.

P.S. Keep them in your prayers, along with my role model and my family, the boy and his family, and the roommate. thanks. love you guys.


I'm calling it... 

yep, i'm announcing it. so that makes it official. dark brunette is the new blonde.

and i want to keep hearing about your eye preferences.

P.S. Keep them in your prayers.


Stupid punk... 

so i just saw a music video as i was flipping channels, and i must say that i have a newfound dislike for a country singer named montgomery gentry. he's trying to justify conservative stuff. he wants to be able to hit his kids because that's what his daddy did and he knows wrong from right now. and he shows a guy get out of his car with a baseball bat to try and hit a guy who sold another kid drugs. and this guy takes a swing (with the bat) at this kid as his own young children were watching. i think one thing that everyone needs to learn is the damage that violence can cause for children.

this guy also apparently wants to be able to drive through the city with a dead deer on the hood of his gas guzzling SUV (which he says he wants to keep his family comfortable or something). and he wants to be able to support the war. and he has MLK, Jr. in the background. why? i would love to know. was it as the opponent? or that "his side" supposedly was all for it, hoping that people think that the liberals were against it? who knows. i just found it strange, and part of it stupid. i can deal with the stuff in this paragraph (hunting, as long as i'm in no way involved, you're doing it legally and for the purpose of eating it and helping keep the ecosystem in balance, it's not done for "sport" and the animals are not rare endangered species or anything, driving an SUV). but i have issues with thinking he has to hit his kids and using a baseball bat against a kid. freaking a. well whatever. i better go unpack or clean or something.

P.S. Keep them in your prayers.



so no scary dreams last night. i did start thinking about it at one point before i fell asleep and had to remember to calm down, since it was all just a dream the last time. woke up at a decent time and actually felt awake. didn't feel too motivated to start scrubbing and cleaning, though. so i took it easy. figure i'll get around to that a little later. i've done a little bit at least. it's tough figuring out how to organize everything here. i think i have a little more storage space here, but it's not set up the same way as the last place, so it's hard to figure out the most logical locations for everything. like i don't have any double cabinets in this kitchen, so glasses and dishes will have to be separate. and most of the cabinets are up high, so i have to figure out what to store at tip toe range. and the countertop space is limited. so i can't just leave out a toaster and stuff.

the bathroom is smaller, too. i have a larger closet and my first entryway closet, so i'll have no problem with clothes and cleaning suppplies and stuff. ugh. i'll have to work on a vision for this place. a cheap vision. one that doesn't involve further purchases. other than food. and maybe an extra shelf or 2 for the pantry. oh yeah, i have a pantry! so exciting. but right now there are like 3 shelves and several feet of open space above the top shelf. so i need to add some DIY shelves.

i have a bite on my baby toe. it itches like crazy. i need to paint my toenails again. i'm addicted to french pedicures. they make my feet look so adorable but also sophisticated if i dress up. and they match anything and everything. but i can't find my nail polish remover and nail polish. they're in a box somewhere. speaking of dressing up, i want to. i want to find my cute clothes, get dressed up all pretty and sexy, and go out and get noticed. i think i need it as a confidence booster. so many things are not going well. oh yeah, and there's another person to keep in your thoughts. the good former roommate is having surgery today. and we're still facing intensive care for my role model. just make it all stop. keep my loved ones safe!

ok, so this post kind of took a turn for the worse. but i don't feel like i can just forget that stuff. like one of those where you have to constantly keep thinking about them to keep them safe. doing your part. anyway, hopefully this will all get better soon.

P.S. Keep them in your prayers.


Tuesday, August 10, 2004

Attracting chaos... 

so i think i must attract chaos. was down to the wire on getting the paper finished and printed out. spent several hundred on books for next semester. went out for dinner with my girls. waiter hit on us (of course). it was kind of funny... we were too loud and the waiter was much too quiet. afterward, we bided our time to turn in the papers, give bad scores on the evaluations and get the heck out. just after i left the parking lot and stopped at a light, some dude next to me honked and motioned for me to roll down my window. he was a straight up stereotype. bald headed muscle bound man with the thick gold chain. i looked over and saw that his head was already hanging out the window towards my passenger window. suddenly i was thankful that i didn't have automatic windows. and that i drove faster than him.

but skipping out early turned out to save my butt. something snapped in my front door lock, so it went around and around and around and around in both directions without engaging anything. so i was locked out in the heat. thankfully my new neighbors came home a couple minutes after i discovered that i was screwed. they called the emergency maintenance number for me and caught the maintenance guy before he left. phew! so he got over there and drilled out my lock, then replaced the casing and got it all to work again. thank goodness. and my neighbor's a real sweetheart.

please please please be praying for my role model. she's in intensive care. i'm scared.

P.S. Keep them in your prayers.



question: what is your favorite eye color? is it for men, women, or just in general?

i tend to like blue eyes. but i find it a little weird that they're supposed to be so rare and it seems like everyone but me has them. maybe it's due to the beauty of colored contacts. who knows. i think with men it all depends on if it fits them or not. like i have fallen for men with deep dark eyes, and for bright blue eyes, deep blue eyes, green eyes... if the eyes are gorgeous, it doesn't matter so much what color they are. the boy has deep blue eyes that are so incredibly gorgeous. but sadly, he gets self conscious when i want to admire them. so he starts crossing them and trying to make me laugh. silly boy needs to learn how to take a compliment and soak up the loyal admiration.

i have very cool eyes. i'm proud of them, but i just wish i could figure out how to best make them really pop. suggestions? (and to the boys who may not understand what i mean... i do not want to pop my eyes out like a cartoon character. it's more like the use of a certain shade of eyeshadow and mascara that makes your eyes stand out more than usual.) anyway, my eyes are a dark hazel... sometimes green, sometimes brown, sometimes the color of my hair, sometimes a liquidy translucent green. i think that last one is the coolest, but sadly it usually only comes after many tears. they tend to change colors with moods and light. ok, enough bragging... i was really just curious about eyecolor preferences.

P.S. Keep them in your prayers.


Rid me of these scary dreams... 

things are getting a little better. i was up past 4 last night working on the paper and got up early this morning to tweak it. couldn't handle reading the whole thing since i'm still typing from an endtable and sitting on the floor, but i got it to fit the page limit. i set reachable goals. so we're going on 2 nights of minimal sleep... the kind where you're alert right when the alarm goes off because you haven't gotten into that deep sleep mode yet so you don't feel groggy. helpful to pull off everything, but bad for the body over the long run. i'll make it up, though.

had freaky scary dreams last night. i'm living alone and on the first floor of an apartment complex. not typically something that a girl desires. but the complex is very safe. problem is, i still haven't gotten used to all the little noises, like the creaking of the floor upstairs and being able to hear their doors upon occasion. so the dreams... i had at least 2 dreams where i SWEAR that i heard somebody open my bedroom door and walk in. worst thing was that i was so immobilized by fear that i couldn't move my arms or open my eyes. that makes me think that it was maybe because of dreaming, but i could have still been somewhat awake and in a groggy semi-conscious state and truly immobilized. or my mind playing tricks on me as revenge for staying up so damn late. either way it was scary as all hell. i was finally only able to move and open my eyes by convincing my brain that if i stopped moving (breathing etc) that they would leave and i could check if anyone was there. obviously not a rational thought, but it calmed my body just enough that i could move again. opened my eyes to see a dark but empty room. waited for my body to stop freaking out, return feeling to my limbs, slow my heartbeat and return to regular breathing. i hope to goodness that these feelings and dreams go away fast. seriously scared the freaking crap out of me. and it happened twice. second time was more vivid, hearing footsteps moving on the carpet even. lordy. anyway, i needed to share. if anybody has any tips or ideas, etc then let me know.

eesh. well i have to shower and figure out what i'm doing with this little sliver of time during the day. have to go to school early to print out the paper and get books for the next semester. how fun. but the stress level is slowly lowering. possibly because i'm too tired to think about it. possibly because the school work is about to subside temporarily, giving me the opportunity to deal with the rest of my life. back later. maybe even tonight.

P.S. Keep them in your prayers.


Monday, August 09, 2004


quick post. cliff notes. follow along.

got up early this morning to cram for the test. did well. gave my presentation. went well. now writing a paper till ungodly hours and crashing until mid-morning only. poo. the boy is now out of town for at least a couple weeks due to tragedies in his family. my heart still aches for him and his family. i'm tempted to leave wednesday after classes are over to be with them. problem is that they are in rural areas without cell reception and i would have to find out if i could come, get directions, etc. so we'll see. keep his family in your prayers if you think of it. and one of my favorite people in the world/ role model/ mentor still needs your thoughts and prayers if you are so inclined. this has been one of the hardest weeks of my life, and i'm not through the tunnel and back into the light again quite yet. hopefully the end will come soon.

2004 will be known as the dark year. the hell year. so many terrible things have happened to people i love, and so many people i know have had to go through so many terrible things this year that it is unreal. when it rains, it pours... but this has been an entire year of downpours for my family and friends.

so now i get to write a paper. good times. wish me luck. promise we'll get back to better posts, reading your blogs, and finding positive things to discuss. but first, the paper and some sleep.

P.S. Keep them in your prayers.


Sunday, August 08, 2004

I'm still alive... 

i'm still alive, but just barely. my body aches, i have more to do than is physically possible to pull off in the time i have left, and i'm still on the verge of a break down. i sincerely hope that i never have to undergo another week like this one. and i may be one of those people who just packs themselves away in one apartment for the rest of their lives. i never want to have to move again. there was major drama every step of the way, and we nearly had to drop an extra couple hundred dollars because the van wasn't back on time, and i barely got the lease signed before they closed (and i had to do it without seeing the apartment and she forgot to get the rent check). so now i have to write down all the little problems that need to be fixed, ask for my other key to the apartment, give her the check, and get my questions answered. fabulous. and i have class all day tomorrow. and i have that paper to write. and my computer is set up on the floor. and i have an exam to study for so i can pass my first class of the morning. and the boy just had tragedy hit his family. and i well up with tears every time i think about that and all the other stuff that has to get done. and how i hurt so much because i can't be there for him and how we can't support each other through both of our ordeals right now because we have our own issues to deal with. and it makes me hate school, hate moving, hate that they never fix everything before you move in, hate how things worked out to all be extremely rushed, and hate that i may be living out of boxes and fast food containers for a month or so because i can't move and fix everything on my own and the boy is now gone. and then i hate how selfish i am and how guilty i feel for even worrying about that stuff when he is hurting so much. and i hate how that stuff still has to be dealt with no matter what may happen in his life because we aren't married yet and people don't accomodate couples who are dating in the same manner as they do married couples. ugh. and if i had a clean bathtub, i would go take a quick bath to calm down, but i would have to find the shower scrub stuff and clean it first, and that would only make things worse. so i'll just go cry, pull myself back together, and come back to write a paper. a fabulously shitty paper because i'm in no mindset to be doing schoolwork right now. but it has to be done. sorry i'm so depressing today. i just can't help it. please give me some hugs and encouragement. thanks, i really need it.

P.S. Keep them in your prayers.


Friday, August 06, 2004

Never again... 

and i mean never. i will never move again. i hope i like this new place because i'll be living there until i die. i can't really say if i'll like it or not because i still haven't seen the damn place. so it better be spec-freaking-tacular.

issues, issues, and more issues. the 3 o'clock postponement was pushed back to 5. got there and was told to go check it out. i went in to find a very surprised worker. "uh oh... you live here?" uh, not yet. that's why it's empty. but i will tomorrow. he expects me to know what to do, so i just said i'll come back later and closed the door. drove back to the front office and told her. she apparently thought that since the locks had been changed, the place was ready. so she promised it would all be done tonight and if i wanted i could come back tonight. but it took f-o-r-e-v-e-r to get back to the old apartment, so i'm thinking that's a no. and i still have to finish packing, cleaning, then drive to my parents' house to pack and clean. oh lordy. please get me through this. i will try to post tomorrow night to let you know if i'm still alive. but if i don't post either a) the apartment is not ready (and i probably went to jail for hurting somebody), b) the internet people punked out, c) i died from all this stress and hell, or d) i have passed out on top of my box fort for approximately 24 hours to recover.

P.S. Keep them in your prayers.



so the new apartment's not ready yet. i knew i should have called ahead. so now i'm chilling for an hour and a half before i can go back and see it, sign the lease, etc. but being the productive woman that i am, i found internet access to occupy my time. i just realized all the little things that i'm going to have to find all over again. the cheapest and safe gas station. the best freeway exit. the best way to get to school. the nearest grocery store. the closest liqour store, target, oh-crap-i-forgot-something-24-hour-place...

*sigh* there's too much on my plate to really stress about this stuff right now, though. i'll continue the mac'n'cheese and tortilla routine a little longer, and start exploring once i'm done with school. why i moved before the last week of school is really beyond me. i'll probably be living out of my car for the next few days because of it. but oh well. ok, this is making me frazzled. i think i'll find something else to do now. laters...

P.S. Keep them in your prayers.


Very important question!!! 

ok, this is extremely important, and i hope any of you who can help me will write off a quick answer as soon as you read this. i need your help!

how carefully do apartment complexes usually scrutinize the apartment to assess damages? i've had variations, but i have rarely had explicit move out instructions either. i just scrubbed the shower/tub, which needed it anyway, but as far as other things go... like do i need to clean inside the cabinets and drawers? clean the inside of the windows (or *gasp* the outside?!) or just the blinds? dust off the top of the closet? how much of a cleaning job is typically expected? when i came here the place was utterly disgusting, but i know that won't be an excuse for me to leave it as equally gross. i just don't know if i have to go psycho cleaning or not. HELP PLEASE! thanks!

P.S. Keep them in your prayers.



ugh. so i'm so nasty and gross from packing all day. and i had to make another run for boxes while the liquor store would still be open. i don't know how many i'll need, but it's always better to have too many than too few. i still feel like i have hours worth of packing ahead of me, but i am aching to take a shower. i need at least a half hour of feeling clean again. but before i could get clean, i had to get dirtier. i had to scrub the shower clean. i'm definitely of the mind that you should do it before a shower so you naturally rince off the cleaning product before your shower and then get to shower in a super clean environment. and i'm just curious... does anybody else clean the shower naked? it only seems natural to me since you don't want to get loose clothing ruined in a pool of bleach or anything and you're already set to jump right into the shower afterward.

i did get scarred once by this method. the bathtub faucet decided to take a bite out of the very top of my butt bone, causing considerable pain. thankfully, the wound has since healed, to which anyone who has seen the top of my rumpus can attest. i have a feeling that this habit will mean that i will be automatically required to do that chore when i get married (to mayhem or the boy or whoever that may be). hopefully that will give me enough leverage to give the chores i hate the most to my significant other. why did i share all of this?? oh man, i need to get away from those cleaning fumes!

P.S. Keep them in your prayers.


Thursday, August 05, 2004


uh oh. i was supposed to get up early today. i didn't. i got up at a decent time at least. i foolishly decided, though, to start the day with a project other than packing. paper still hasn't been done either. so this is just a heads up that i a) need a lot of encouragement, and b) may not be writing anymore between now and saturday night/sunday morningish. here's the rundown:
thursday: pack with what's left of today
friday: get up and pack whatever's left; see apartment; sign lease; pack stuff at my parents' house
saturday: pack, load, move, unload. pack, load, move, unload. sign out of apartment. unpack, assemble furniture, get internet hooked up. collapse in an exhausted heap in close proximity to a soft surface (e.g., bed, couch).
sunday: recover and work out the tense muscles and spasms by unpacking some more. study for a final. pray that i pull it all off in class on monday.
monday: class all day. unpack all night. (or just collapse into sleep and worry about unpacking another day)

so there's the schedule. it's doubtful that i'll be able to write during much of that time period. if i had the time beforehand, i could have written things ahead of time and post dated them so you could continue to be entertained... but it's too late now because it is that time now. so keep yourselves entertained in the comment box. and i'll get back to you all shortly. wish me luck!

P.S. Keep them in your prayers.


Wednesday, August 04, 2004

Productivity kicks my ass... 

i've been productive today, and let me tell you, i'm exhausted. i feel gross, need a shower, probably a couple advil, and a long night's sleep. but i got more boxes packed (again, being very intelligent i already packed all my dishes), and i got stuff taken care of. i guess i'm kind of all or nothing. if i'm packing, then i better be able to find something to fill that box to the brink and i better be able to empty that cabinet or whatever. i have to see the productivity take form or i give up.

now i really ought to write the paper and do this online course thingy, but i just want sleep. or to lay down a while or something. i pretty much have to get it all packed and the paper finished by tomorrow night. i'll have a little time on friday morning, but that's it. after lunch i sign the paperwork and head back to the 'rents to pack there. ugh. seriously, the offer still stands to take over my life for the rest of this week.

P.S. Keep them in your prayers.


Moving on... 

i probably have about 20ish boxes now. i hope that's enough to move with. but there are always items that just don't work with a box. like my printer. maybe if i'm lucky i'll have room in my trunk to shove all that stuff in there. that would be nice. along with the bag i need to pack so i can live out of it for a couple weeks. damn there's a lot to do. shitties. but there's no time for a panic attack. and i don't get them. so that's good. if i did get them i would probably be working on one right now. i just get a little panic/manic/frenzied. so i'll eat and go into hyper packing mode. i hope. anyway. i wonder if i can fit everything i own into 20 boxes. for some reason i always think that it should fill as much space as it does when it's all unpacked all over four rooms. the little stack of boxes just sits nicely beside the table. no wonder people feel weird about moving. they see that their whole life can be squeezed into a little pile of boxes. obviously that's not quite true since the things that really matter in your life will never fit in a box. but anyway...

did i mention that i packed my damn can opener without last week without thinking about how i would be needing it? yeah, in the 3 boxes that i've packed so far, i had to go packing up the can opener. dinner for one usually comes in cans! erg. oh well. i'll live.

oh yeah, so it turns out that we're running a little behind schedule at the new place. called to see if i could come by and see the apartment and sign the lease while i was out running these manic errands. well no. i should come by friday afternoon. sometime after lunch. the people didn't move out until tuesday (that's 8/2) but they were supposed to be out the 31st. that's called "holding over." the bizarre thing is that when i was reading my lease (during class, naturally... best time to be productive), i came to the section about holding over and all the dire monetary consequences of holding over and i had this feeling of dread in my stomach. i thought to myself, oh crap, i'm going to be screwed by the previous tenants holding over. luckily the apartment should be completely ready by friday, and i move on saturday, but it still was a little freaky that it did happen. but now instead of 3 trips to the complex during the week, i can just do everything in one trip and move in the next day, hopefully sans problems.

ok, i'm going a mile a minute in this frenzied mode and i had started making some lunch. so i'm going to go back to that and sit down long enough to eat.

P.S. Keep them in your prayers.


A little morning adventure... 

so i woke up this morning (yes, in the morning) to take care of some errands. i'm in full move preparation mode right now. well, almost. i still have one more paper to write, but other than that... it's full on move mode. so anyway... got ready to leave to get boxes and a few groceries to last me through the week. memory still isn't working quite right. as i headed down the road i had a sneaky suspicion that i didn't completely get ready before leaving. a quick check in the rearview confirmed it. hadn't washed my face, put anything on (sunscreen or makeup), nothing. but i had stood in front of the sink as i put my hair up in a ponytail. oh well. i don't need to look exceedingly cute just to run errands and get all sweaty packing and cleaning all day. and i felt a twinge of loneliness as i got dressed because i normally ran these errands with at least one of my girl friends.

so i drive forever down this street in search of a liquor store. the town i'm in is strange and partially dry, so they have beer but no liquor. beer boxes do me no good for packing. you have to use the liquor boxes, which meant i had to drive past 3 city limits. luckily i was on the edge of that town and the other 2 were miniscule little places. in my undergrad days, this was usually a more entertaining trip because 3 of us would come tumbling into the store laughing about something in the middle of a weekday and ask for as many boxes as we could fit in the car. then we'd run them back to the dorms, and hit the next store, same routine. it was extremely fun for a boring chore, and we lived in the middle of a verrrry wet city so we just drove a couple blocks. so back to today, i finally hit the first liquor store. walked in and honed in on my target. a young guy (who i'm suspicious may not have even been of legal drinking age, but i guess he had to have been) who was standing in front of a stack of boxes about to be unpacked. he looks at me like a deer caught in headlights. first time a hot chick has stared him down. oh shit, what do i do? does she want me for me, or does she want me for my boxes? then finally, "uhrm, can i help you??" "yeah hi, i'm moving, and i need some boxes." "oh ok. drive around back and we should have some there."

so i drive around back and the only boxes there were already crunched by their box crusher. no dice. i was tempted to go back in and tell him and then make him run around the store looking for the ones that hadn't been crushed yet, but i knew there was another store just down the street a little farther. since i was already in my car i just drove on. the next place was closer than i thought, so i swooped into the driveway probably a little too fast. but no matter. went in and it was definitely nothing like the other store. it was a convenience/liquor store. at the other place they had to wear little aprons; here the guy wasn't even wearing a shirt. no, just kidding. he had a t-shirt and jeans but no nametag or anything. when he asked if he could help, i made sure he did really work there, and said i was moving. before i could even ask about boxes, he was all over it. asked how many i could fit in the car, grabbed a dolly and loaded it up. took them out to the car for me and helped me fit them all in. and i don't know what it is, but there's something about a young clean cut hispanic guy in dark baggy jeans. he was cute and nice. said if i needed more, just come back and he'd hook me up again. thanks hon, and i'm off again.

the long drive back to the main street then over to the store. at a stop light i had to sit behind a car with both a bush for president and an anti-kerry bumper sticker. i subtly flipped him off and felt justified. i passed something that said ACDC christian school or church or something. made me laugh thinking that they learned about christian values with AC/DC playing in the background. i wanted to take a picture with my camera phone, but it was so bright that the white sign didn't get picked up. if i have to go back for more boxes i may bring my digital.

got to the store and decided this was a no bullshit trip. i was asking where something was if i needed to. first item on the list was bigass storage bins. never bought them before so i didn't know where they were. asked the first guy i saw, and the guy behind him eagerly answered. haha, i need to start looking like crap more often! it obviously gets results. so i load up and am pleased that they're clearance priced. grab a couple things for the move then decide to get one more storage bin just in case. hey, they're on sale, and i can always return it after the move if it turns out i got too many. turns out that was the magic number for having one too many to fit in the car. damn. if i were brighter in that parking lot with the sun beating down on me, i would have realized that i should put some of the liquor boxes in those boxes and could have fit it all. but i had another solution. i just stuck the loner bin in the passenger seat. as i started to back out, i realized that i couldn't see a damn thing behind me. but crisis averted. a guy in a truck saw my plight and motioned that i could go.

so now i'm back all safe and sound, boxes hauled into the apartment and bins chilling in the car (they're to store the stuff that's currently stored in the furniture at my parents' house that has to be emptied so the furniture can go and the clutter can stay). anyway... i just figured i'd take you guys on the adventure with me. if i remembered the audioblog info i would have considered it, but no luck. oh, and elay, the OJ crisis is averted. month old orange juice is in the dumpster.

P.S. Keep them in your prayers.


Tuesday, August 03, 2004


Mayhem, by vortexia

although it may surprise you, mayhem is not my middle name. it is the nickname of the man who has mesmerized me into dating him. you might find the name a little odd if you see him in his daily suit, but watch for him growling away in the nightlife and then you'll understand.

he is currently saving for full sleeve tats. when he gets them, he's planning to quit the suit job in a most devious manner and start a band based off his charisma alone. he can't sing or dance or play an instrument, but you'll be screaming his name in less than a year. that's just how contagious he is. once you see him unleashed, you'll never forget. he'll flood your mind faster than a monsoon, but he'll never subside.

to complete the transformation into full badass mode, he'll get a massive tattoo across his shoulder blades and back that says mayhem in metallica writing. only more ominous and aggressive. if we get married, his wedding ring will be a 3rd eyebrow ring or a spacer for his ear that also fits his ring finger. it only seems natural.

when he quits his job, he'll pull off something much better than office space. better than fight club. better than carrie. while his coworkers might say good riddance, they'll be reeling from the loss for months. no matter how much he screws them over, every single coworker will secretly wish he would come back. they wouldn't have to do work anymore. they could go back to playing darts in his cubicle, making bonfires on the bosses desk and blaming it on the accountants who are trying to adjust the books, and taking 4 day weekends every other week. he took those weekends every week. that's just how good he was. but his coworkers would also welcome back the one thing that made them stick with a bullshit company all those years. me. mayhem got me out of my job most days to visit him and the boys. every head would pop out of that little cubicle as they heard the door squeak my arrival. for the long catwalk stride down the aisle to his workspace, all eyes were on me. come to think, all eyes were pretty much on me or mayhem at all times. since mayhem started to work there, turnover rates stopped dead in their tracks. when he leaves, the 70 year old office manager will finally retire. the college grads who took the job as a temporary filler will get on with their lives. and turnover rates will skyrocket like never before.

as a couple we are mesmerizing. and individually we both radiate that je ne sais quoi charisma that draws people in. for the past 3 years, we have essentially gotten paid to be us. we haven't worked an hour between us in all those years, but the money never stopped flowing. and the raises always came through. mayhem probably wouldn't even have to quit even though visible tattoos and piercings are against policy. i'm sure they would find a way to make an exception for him. but his boss is getting tired of finding a smoking pile of rubble in place of his desk every week, so he won't put up much of a fight. and he'll finally take the job at corporate headquarters and please his wife with the pay increase and the plane tickets out of town.

i may keep my job a little longer. i figure i don't need to quit until mayhem starts touring. i may join him on stage, or i may just revel in the backstage and after party glories. i'll probably make appearances for the photo shoots and interviews to attract the male audience and bigger sales. we'll retire by 30 and move to the caribbean.

at that point we'll change gears and act like a couple young hippies who are so crazy in love that you swear we must have just met. but it will be almost 10 years by then. we'll sell surfboards, hemp gear, and daquiris. and we'll host the nightly beach parties. the ones the uptight people are afraid to attend because they might have to pay for a piece of the keg, they don't personally know the people throwing it, and they fear the party might get busted. but they won't have to pay, they probably have heard of us, and the party will never get busted. they just don't know it in time to attend. and we want to keep it that way.

where should the story go from here? other story requests? anything?

P.S. Keep them in your prayers.


Pissing me off... 

i have had minimal contact with people today because i was utterly wiped out this morning and then spent the whole day reading legalese for the move. but the little contact i did have with people today pissed me off. some woman went on a rant about wanting drug users to be sterilized or something. i know people get freaked about the damages that can be done to children exposed to drugs, and i also know that some of these evils have been dramatically exaggerated. before you chew my head off (goodness knows i don't need any of that this week or i might maim somebody) there are some instances that are pretty dire. of course, those children may have had many of the same problems minus the drugs because the mothers lived in such shitty circumstances. the environment is not considered in those studies. but whatever. it sucks but there is no reason to sterilize for that. sheesh. how many other people does she want to sterilize to create a pristine race of people. and in a way she's devaluing the kids that came out of those circumstances as people who never should have existed. but even worse, she wasted my precious time going off on her own little soapbox.

then i just read something where a defense was made that people similar to me should get a pay increase or be considered in the same category as teachers because we make a difference and get crap pay in return. well, similar to the jobs i'll be doing when i get out of here. and this dude slammed it because it was "easy" to get a degree and help people, all people performing a job helped others in some way so therefore everyone should get a pay increase, teaching was considered relatively harder and more valuable than risking your life to help others on a daily basis, and we aren't in any way professional. i hate when professionals (or anyone for that matter) are slammed for helping others and sacrificing the good majority of a decent paycheck they could have received doing something else because nobody really understands what they do, what they go through, and how they help. but i'm too tired to go into it all, and i don't really want to talk about what i'll be qualified for or what i'll be on here since that's not what i represent here. i plan to help people for the rest of my life. that's all you need to know.

P.S. Keep them in your prayers.


Monday, August 02, 2004

Tell me how you really feel... 

note: as a heads up, this will probably be the topic of the next week or so. raw and uncensored recounting of the hell that i'll be living for the next weekish. i don't particularly like it, but hey, this week just won't be pretty... and i wear my heart, feelings, and thoughts on my sleeve. you love me for it most of the time, but this week you'll have to bear with me. and sending love my way in the comments would be a big help if you so desire.

i'm exhausted. and the stress is really getting to me. like my memory and some of my reaction time went last night. a vase fell and broke as i was trying to fill it, and it took a couple seconds to process. then several more before i started to check that none of it flew and hit me, and i was currently bleeding. then i got ready for bed and realized i forgot to do several things. like get stuff ready for school and brush my teeth.

this morning i actually felt decent. got through most of the first class before my body got tired of putting on appearances and was ready for another night's sleep. had to push through the whole day, though. projects to do, tests to study for, papers to edit. emotional friends to console. made it back home to hear bad news. now i don't feel quite right. i'm worried about what's happening in my own life, and sadly that's taking up the majority of my worry capacity, but i know that what's happening in a loved one's life is much worse right now and i need to focus my energy on that. i'm not sure why, it's not like i can change whatever happens. but i still worry for her. and i feel as though not worrying for her or thinking good things about her and praying for her is bad and callous and heartless and selfish and a lot of those other bad things. but if your life is already full to capacity with all you can handle, maybe you're meant to squeeze out those issues that you can't help at the moment? like she's in another state, so i can't stay up all night with her making sure she's ok. i can't do a lot of that stuff that i would want to do if i were nearby. so it's hard.

and i have a lot more to get done either tonight or getting up tomorrow morning to do. i haven't decided which yet. but i knew myself well enough that i wrote the caulk entry last night when less shit was hitting the fan because i knew i wouldn't be up for any kind of decent post tonight. i didn't even forsee all of this.

the upside of the day: productive and nearly knocked out one of my projects; aced that test i despised from last week. i have to remember that something positive has happened or i won't keep my sanity through the next full week. why did i plan this insanity so poorly?!

P.S. Keep them in your prayers.


Wall o' caulk... 

a wall made of caulk would be soft and moldable. it would be kind of fun, except that it would get white residue on whatever touched it. i caulked all the holes in my walls last night. well, almost all of them. i caulked all the ones i caused and the other ones i came across as i was caulking those. but now as i sit here staring at a blank wall i see that i missed a few. that's annoying. i've already taken a shower so i don't want to get all gross caulking again. maybe i'll save them for another day. or maybe i'll forget and figure i won't get fined for them anyway (i hope!).

if you have to fill holes, i would definitely recommend the caulk technique, though. just get a tube of caulk, and then apply it with a toothpick (or if you were stupid and packed the toothpicks away already, then one of the nails that you just pulled out of the wall will also work). if the wall is textured, then you can just leave the little blob there. if it's smooth, then you just squish it flat with your finger. and if you chip off part of the plaster, you can just caulk it back in place and they'll never be the wiser! mua ha ha. i'm so riveting that i'm discussing the values of caulk. yeah, i'm done now...

P.S. Keep them in your prayers.


Sunday, August 01, 2004

Work in progress... 

at least right now VS is a work in progress. undergoing some changes. let me know what you think of the changes, and like or dislike.

EDIT: success! overlayed the words on the picture, so that's about the extent of the changes, for a little while at least. if you have any ideas on where to put this picture other than just in this post, then let me know. i don't want it to be picture overload, so i'm kind of stuck. and i can't find the source that makes the banner ads disappear. any ideas? (i think it's invisible on the template page, but visible on view source. weird.)

P.S. Keep them in your prayers.



ok, ok. i said i would stop, but this is important. so i wrote that i made significant progress with the voting issue, but another issue came up last night. we were talking about guns, and since it's a pretty sure thing that we'll be getting married someday, we talked about what would happen when we shared the same residence. i don't like guns. i don't want guns in my house. and i sure as heck will not want a gun in my house if and when i ever have children. however, he has grown up in a big gun household. not like overtly, yehaw let's kill us anything that moves and doesn't have a gun, kind of gun crazy, but i found out that they always had multiple guns in his house. like probably always had 5 or so, even when he and his sibs were infants and toddlers. even worse, his mother shot skeet while she was pregnant with him (not all the way through, but for part of the pregnancy), and his grandfather used to leave guns lying around the house to help teach him and the other grandkids to respect guns and not touch them (well, until he taught them to shoot guns).

all of this is completely foreign to me. and realizing that i was surrounded by several guns every time i visited his parents' house... and that every time that we went in the house really late at night and woke up his mom we were lucky that she didn't bring her gun with her as protection when she investigated. that kind of freaked me out.

so now we have to figure out how to combine these 2 philosophies. what makes it harder is that he'll inherit a few "sentimental" guns, like the one he learned to shoot with and ones from ancestors who used them in wars and stuff. they have turned into family heirlooms, so he wouldn't be willing to just ebay them or something.

it's one of those weird things because a ton of people whom you would never expect to have guns in their houses have them, but it's just not talked about or flaunted. and some people keep them unarmed and locked up, etc while others keep them loaded and poorly hidden (or on display). some people feel safer with a gun in the house, and others (like me) dread the thought. people emphasize some statistics that a gun in the house is useful (i'm guessing they do at least... i've never heard them), and others emphasize the statistics that show they often cause more harm than good. i don't know what to do about it all. but luckily we have time to figure it all out before we cohabit. and he gave me permission that i could try to change his beliefs by showing him my side. but he warned that i shouldn't try to do it all at once, and since he just had to change with which political party he agreed and we won't face this issue for a little while still, i'll cool it. i don't think (and i hope it isn't) trying to change him because i love him the way he is... i guess it's more trying to open his eyes to another viewpoint that he never saw growing up and hoping that he sees the benefit in that side.

so out of curiosity, if you're willing to share, how many of you do or do not have guns in your household or are anti/pro-guns in the house. further insight into either side or thoughts on any part of this issue is welcomed. and i won't judge anyone for their viewpoint. i'm just curious. thanks!

P.S. Keep them in your prayers.



i really have to stop posting. this is kind of ridiculous. can you tell i'm procrastinating. after this i'm cutting myself off... or i'll try at least.

ok, i just noticed that my microwave has a button just for bacon. do people seriously eat that much bacon? and did these manufacturers hold a focus group on what features people most needed and the biggest response was that these people were desperate for a button that would microwave their bacon without the guesswork of figuring out the time on their own? i mean, i can understand that it might be a nice little feature, but i would have made it more multi-functional. like a 30 second button or something. or maybe a 3 minute button. i think everything i microwave goes in for either 3 minutes, 3:30, or 12 seconds. 12 seconds, you ask? i eat a lot of tortillas. ok, el fin.

P.S. Keep them in your prayers.



i just realized that just a little less than a week ago i was apologizing for being so boring. look at me now! i'm posting a mile a minute and i'm coming up with all kinds of crazy crap. good for you people who get off to a slooooooow monday and have plenty of time to be entertained by the newest stuff, but bad for you people (like me sometimes) who feel overwhelmed when i go back to one of my favorite blogs and find that there are 30 new posts to go through. but i'm also not procrastinating at work. if i were, it might be different... i'd have 8 whole hours with which to go through all the latest posts.

going through some of the posts of this past however long, i realized that we've covered some pretty amusing, strange, and crazy stuff. i say we because some of it was contributed by you, my wonderful readers and commenters. anyway, i just wanted to say thanks, i do appreciate it all, and am glad to see that you guys also seem to appreciate me and whatever randomness i dish out for you.

now on a serious note, i move in like a week. i have about 95% of the packing still to do, and i have 4 class assignments that have to be completed before the move as well (because they're due to monday after i move and i probably won't be able to locate anything i need in order to do them in my new place). i'm trying not to get too stressed, but at the same time i'm not so sure that's a good thing. it'll be the night before the move and i'm manically packing here and then going to my parents' house at approximately 4am to unload all the stuff that is currently stored in the furniture that is going to the new place. it's all stored there because i don't want it crowding up my everyday life and haven't had time to sort through it. i figured this move was my big chance to go through it all, but instead i'll just be investing in several giganto rubbermaid bins from target and throwing everything in them. so in the place where the desk used to be, there will just be 4 big bins... one for each drawer that used to stand in its place. and sadly, it has to be that way because (for all of my seriously horrible memory) i tend to be able to remember the location of things. so if i need my old SAT scores for some whack reason, i can call home and tell my mom to unstack those suckers, get into the 2nd bin, pull out the envelope, tell me what it is, and then carefully replace it all in the same order... otherwise, this system won't work. *sigh* it all frustrates me... i hate packing and unpacking, but i also hate that i'll leave my room at my parents' house with more clutter than it already has. and it has a lot. i need to go at it with a large dumpster and a shreder. and i need to void myself of all sentimentalism for one weekend while i tear it all apart. oh well... it won't happen before i move. i just better have time to at least transfer things into the bins, or else my new apartment will be stuffed to the gills and completely inoperable. oh yeah, and i have to go there about 3 times next week prior to the move to take care of business, and after that i will then have to envision how much room i have for furniture and decide what to take and what to leave. eesh. anybody want to take over my life just for this one week??? posting may subside temporarily by the sounds of all this crap.

oh yeah, and if you happen to post after using the microsoft office suite, then be forewarned that obsessive ctrl+s habits may screw you up. since my computer is aging, i save after every couple sentences when writing a paper. so i did it at one point during this post without thinking because i had just been writing a word document. yeah, it started publishing it. not great, but thankfully it wasn't a delete command or something. and now i notice that they do warn you down at the bottom. oh well. just a heads up for those who wanted to know.

P.S. Keep them in your prayers.


A few things to ponder... 

first, i think it's interesting to see what people search in google to find me. i've gotten several people thanks to my references to yellowcard. probably people who don't appreciate my aspirations to take over for the violinist. there are also a lot of people who google vaguely sexual things, as though they want to just "stumble" upon something sexual where they "have" to read it just to see what the content is. or maybe they're doing it at work or on the family computer so they don't want to get caught with something overtly sexual in the search line. closet dirtiness or something. so they search, find me, and generally it's absolutely nothing sexual. i think it's amusing. i wonder if they like what they find even if it isn't sexual (usually), or if they get frustrated with me because i didn't deliver. some of them were pretty adamant in finding whatever it was... i've been on search page 12 or so and they still found and clicked on me. but anyway...

i also started wondering today, in one of my weird moods when i think about things nobody should really think about... but where do we get some of our typical slang (for lack of a better descriptor) words? for example: the official term is feces, but nobody uses that in everyday conversation. we use shit, crap, poop, etc. i can understand that you get poo from poop, but how did we come up with those words in the first place? it's not like they sound similar to feces or anything. well now that i've grossed you out enough, i'll just leave. before i say anything that makes you lose your appetite.

P.S. Keep them in your prayers.


The official stuff...

© VS 2003-2005

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?

Weblog Commenting by HaloScan.com