Wednesday, March 30, 2005

An exercise... 

here's a weird little thing i like to do. you should try it. i like following the shape from the inside of my cleavage out over the top of my breasts... it forms the top of a heart (<3). it's kind of cute. anyway, you guys should try it with your favorite pair of boobs.

and seriously if i sneeze one more time i am going to take matters into my own hands.


An apology... 

ok guys, i just wanted to let all of you know that 1) i'm sorry for being absent so much, and 2) i'm sorry i haven't been able to comment up to my usual level.

now on to this... can any of you rip out my sinuses? i'm serious. i mean, all they do is give us problems. so just rip them out. should be easier than an appendicitis. i mean, the appendix is pretty useless and they remove it, so....

how much do you guys read? i get maybe a couple pages a night read before it's time for sleep. the boy reads like 300 pages a night. he read one of the dan brown books in 2 nights. seriously! but i think he also has some mild insomnia, and reads to pass the time. i guess given the choice, i'd rather get my sleep.

well i think this was random enough for now. i don't really think of much else. oh, except that i still need a job... just in case any of you want to hire me. i'll specify the minimum salary necessary. and don't worry, it'll be reasonable.


Tuesday, March 29, 2005

Late start... 

i'm tired, so i'll keep this quick. i'm realizing that my memory ain't so great. well, i already knew that, but it's really bad. i can often remember either a person's face but not recall their name, or remember the name and can't put a face with it in my mind. i also forget details of things that happened... sometimes i'll remember all the little details of something, and other times i forget key pieces.

tonight was a little rough. talked about the mentor, and then proceeded to watch the two episodes of scrubs, both of which dealt with loved ones passing. man, talk about a sob fest. but i also heard something valuable... "nothing worth having comes easily." i've heard it many times before, but it really struck me tonight. not only that grieving isn't an easy process, but also that the relationship with mayhem may be tough going at times, but it's worth working at. things are generally either cloud-nine-wonderful, or frustrating-as-hell. but i guess having such good times makes those frustrating moments really stand out in stark contrast, when really they need to be kept in perspective as being small compared to the goodness of the relationship. see that? somehow i created seamless transitions from grieving my mentor to television to sage relationship insight. to quote mayhem, "i know, i'm the shit." (which is, by the way, just a joke. or i hope it is... i always start laughing after he says that. just kidding, it really is a joke!)

ok, nighty night. here's to hoping that my eyes aren't all puffy and sensitive tomorrow. oh yeah, and i have to pack the second i get home tomorrow so i can leave town... again. i know. i swear i still live here. and one of these days i'll be able to remember what spending an entire week not creating outfits out of things thrown into a suitcase is like. i hate living out of a suitcase. i truly feel for people who travel constantly. ugh. anyway, another extended weekend away from my home sweet home.


Monday, March 28, 2005

False sense of accomplishment... 

i will sort of get closure on this problem i've been having. for 2 days i can feel as though everything is fixed. but then thursday i get to start with more problems. yay. i tried to be a good girl and schedule in the appointment for really early in the morning so the people could have all day to work on stuff and i could get it out of my hair faster. plus then i would hopefully be done with it in one day instead of many. well, yeah, they don't do appointments. so i'll just have to show up first thing in the morning with fingers crossed. i want several little things done, but i'll probably also have a couple more major things. one of which will require specific stuff... i would rather they know ahead of time so they can have it all lined up for me right there. bing, bang, boom, they can do what's gotta be done and i can leave again. plus i've had to call my mom at work several times today and i can tell she's not happy. but she keeps taking the call even though she's busy. i don't get that. she doesn't do it at home... if she can't answer the phone, or it would be an inconvenience, then she won't. or if she does, she'll say "i'm watching XYZ show and i'll talk to you when it's over." click. anyway, whatever.

i hate having to deal with all this crap. and i know i need to find a job for post-graduation. but the motivation just isn't there. i know i'm going to be picky. plus it requires a lot of work and a ton of pointless crap that gets you nowhere. not looking forward to it. but in the meantime, i am going to garden a little more before fighting traffic out of town. why now? oh maybe because the boy said i might have already killed one of my plants because i didn't do something quite right. damn. oh yeah... but on the upside, the gun thing isn't a deal breaker. he agreed to my compromise. said he never really would have ended things at that point, he just needed to cool off and get used to the idea. plus i don't think he wanted to concede to me that easily on it. had to feel like a man. at any rate, adios amigos...


Sunday, March 27, 2005

Frustration mounting... 

no, not what a very small dog feels when it wants to show its affection for a great dane. but i am frustrated nonetheless. things are still left unresolved. i am still having problems getting these issues wrapped up. i have taken time off work, driven all over the place, spent way more days away from home than i had prepared for... basically, i am dealing with a huge pain in the ass.

but in other news... when i let all of that just be and put my mind to other things, i have a fun couple days this weekend. i explored something new and delicious that i had wanted to try for some time. unfortunately, there isn't a place near my own place where i can get it, but at least i now know that i like it, and where i can get it should i decide to drive way the hell out just for a fix. i also got to go to one of the neatest little places in the area near my parents' house (i went home for easter... oh yeah! HAPPY EASTER!) that made me happy. i got to eat some of my favorite ethnic cuisine, thai food.

and mayhem and i had a very long conversation about potential deal breakers. i discovered something very interesting. i never knew that gun ownership was so important to him. boy doesn't have a gun right now. knows i want nothing to do with guns and don't want one in my home. but for some reason it never dawned on him to bring this up before. he's supposed to inherit a couple guns passed from one generation to the next. one is the one his grandfather taught him to shoot with, and another is one from WWII. ok, i can understand sentimentality. goodness knows i can be sentimental. but save a photo or something. grab up one of your grandfather's old coffee mugs or his rocking chair or the pair of long johns that he used to wear when he puttered around in the mornings. i don't care, but why does it have to be the gun? my compromise is this: dismantle the guns, don't own any ammo, put gun locks on the guns in addition to the safeties, then lock them in an encrypted and secure gun safe, then keep the gunsafe in his brother's or best friend's or anybody he trust's garage. he still technically owns it, and i don't have a gun in my home. and i don't have to worry about somebody getting shot with their own gun. plus i honestly think the only time he would ever use one of the guns is if one of those guys asked him to go shoot skeet or practice at a gun range or something. he can keep his paintball gun hidden and locked and dis-assembled in the house if there is no ammo in the house. he said that they would only squirt air if there were no paintballs in them, so he can keep that locked in the house. but even so, it still has to be locked, especially if we ever have kids. i don't really want my kids to get fixated on guns. i hate it when i see little boys with semi-realistic looking toy guns running around and shooting everything in their path. it just seems wrong to me. anyway, that was just a topic of last night. i ended up getting sick to my stomach about it, especially when mayhem couldn't answer 100% that this wouldn't be a deal breaker. he said he needed to think about what he was willing to sacrifice and how much he would compromise on it. which is fine. i would rather him think about it and truly know what he's willing to do or not do. but i think it would be hard for me to come to grips with this relationship ending after so many years simply because he liked the idea of gun ownership. although i had a couple friends who were engaged before the conversation came up, and it was a deal breaker for them. they had to break things off because neither wanted to budge. oh, and i also asked him to think about what other things would be potential deal breakers, since the answers can obviously be surprising!


Thursday, March 24, 2005

Never-ending story... 

man, this is like the never ending story! things just keep on coming. everything was supposed to get resolved yesterday with these problems that completely changed my plans. now things are still not over. more related problems have been found. i will be so glad when all of this is over. i heard a lyric somewhere that seems appropriate... "i'm sick and tired of being sick and tired."

i just have to remind myself that it's good that all of this is being addressed now rather than later, when there could really be problems. but i was forewarned that it would probably be another instance when i would get screwed over. fabulous. anyway, i'm going to try to relax and read a cool magazine i found. feeling intelligent and compassionate generally helps my mood.


Tuesday, March 22, 2005

Shower blogger... 

i seem to always be more intelligent, insightful, and powerful in the shower. i come up with some pretty incredible stuff in there. whether it be sage advice, burning comebacks, sweet thoughts, or something else, they seem to be truly head and shoulders above the rest when i'm under the shower head. like tonight... for some reason i remembered a post i came across from somebody who was thankfully not one of my usual reads. i immediately felt worse for reading it. like i sensed evil. she was not a good person. she was small, petty, conniving, self-pitying, spiteful, and just not good. and yet she was one of those who built herself up to be better-than-the-rest, christian (fundamentalist conservative of course), truly following the word, and seemed to believe her path to heaven was already clearly paved by her goodness. self-deceptive if i've ever seen it. this one post struck me as so horrific that i remember bouncing it off one of you guys to make sure i wasn't just seeing something that wasn't there. i don't remember who it was, but within 30 seconds the reply came back. that person confirmed it. i seem to remember them saying something along the lines of "she is pure evil. full of hatred and everything she claims to stand against." it really struck me that both of us could assess that so quickly and so strongly from just one simple thing.

anyway, this was months ago, but for some reason i remembered it tonight while showering. i started musing over the comment i never posted because i just wanted to forget it entirely. and it was incredible. i pointed out her irrationality and hypocrisy. i mentioned how she was being small and petty and selfish and was stunting her personal growth by her incredible penchant for self-pity. i even referenced how her actions and thoughts are directly opposed to those lauded in her Good Book and that the ones she criticized were acting out of love and were more in line with God's wishes than was her reaction to them. i was on fire!

it's like i enter the shower and become the best brainiac-professor-lawyerish hybrid i could be. sometimes it also works late at night when i'm already lying in bed and desperately needing those precious hours of sleep. if only i could learn to harness that intelligence during the part of the day when it matters...


Kinda cool and kinda not... 

kinda cool: i watched the SVU thingy tonight because it was on. at the end i knew exactly what was going to put things over the edge. it was a nutty cult guy trying to convince his little girl wife to shoot the police officer who was trying to convince her not to. pretty stereotypical. he went too far and was too full of himself. he said "i'm bigger than god." so of course that was why she shot him because she knew nobody was bigger than god. which of course is something he taught. i knew exactly what was going to happen, but i still appreciated the irony.

kinda not: i can't even imagine how traumatizing it would be to discover that your spouse was having an affair by having to ID the bodies. car accident. shooting spree. son of sam type of thing. whatever. i know, how much morbidly weird can i get. i'll stop now.

shower and packing. hugs!


I'm sirius... 

sirius radio. is it good? or not worth the dough?

i tested it for a couple days and have to say i wouldn't waste my money. between two relatively close cities, the station died out 3 or 4 times. seems the satellites aren't quite as seamless as they would have us believe. out of the 100 some stations (i think it's about 120 or so), i found one alternative station. one. no different from mainstream radio. and they still cut in to promote the station and have their mindless little radio dj chatter. which isn't always a bad thing... sometimes you find out little factoids about bands or concerts or funny stories. but if you're paying $10 a month, i would want the music to be as continuous as a never ending compilation CD. oh, and that's another thing. they also have the same problem as regular radio... they play the same 25 or so songs over and over. it feels like i heard the new mars volta song about 15 times over the past weekend. it's nice to have the little screen showing what song is playing, but it's pretty old school, so the glare on it is horrible. most of the times i couldn't see the words on the screen even if i shaded the display. when you switch from station to station it takes several seconds for it to finish "acquiring info" and get the show on the road. frustrating if you try to rapid flip the stations like i do. and with so many stations i didn't want to hear, it was pretty prohibitive to me to decide to change stations. unless i really hated a song, i just sighed and left it there. so all in all, i'd say keep your money.

as for my next thought... it's gone. oh wait, oh wait... i remember now. so i told somebody i thought "the office" was already out on DVD even though they claim it's brand new. they said it was never out... well, they were wrong and i was right. it was originally a british comedy. hope it is better than the american version of coupling!

so working out last night was nice enough that i did it again today. hopefully in the next couple days my frustrations of the past week and a half, now almost 2 weeks, will end. i certainly hope it will. i'm so tired of dealing with the frustrations i've faced lately.


Monday, March 21, 2005

Band name... 

if i ever start a band, i think i'll name it Holys Hit. HolysHit. holy shit. hahahahahaha....

people won't know what to think. i'll corner the christian and less-than-christian markets. christians will think it's holy christian music. everyone else will enjoy the clever play on words. they won't know what hit 'em!

(c) copyrighted, march 21, 2005 by vortexia.


Grade day... 

today was a day for grades. one was not so great but another was wonderful. all in all they were fine.

i also ran some errands and got some of the stuff i needed. now i don't know whether to nap or to finish out some work or get back to working out. i had that one week off back when, then the following week got back to it a couple times, then this hellish week and a half happened and down the drain went the work out plan. i was the stupid bridesmaid who stopped working out right before having to fit into the dress. but it was ok... i still fit fine. but now i need to get back to it. i think i'll finish the work and then work out. then i can collapse and feel satisfied with all i've done for the day. well, except for getting ready for the next day.

ok, sounds like a plan. let's go! hugs and kisses... i'm so glad you guys didn't stop reading me!


Sunday, March 20, 2005

Finally home... 

i am finally home. for about 3 days. and then i may have to leave... again. it has been one helluva week. seriously. hell. of. a. week.

so i don't really even know where to start. all the plans i had were shot down. well, except i still had to go to the dentist. but it was ok. but really just another not-so-fabulous thing that had to happen during the week. at least there was a benefit to the dentist being snowed under a backlog. they took the x-rays and put them through the machine. the dentist popped over while he was waiting for whatever to take effect with the lady next to me (i'm sure he was doing horrible dentisty things to her. poor poor lady.) he did the poke at the teeth thing while barking at the hygienist about needing her there and not getting the x-rays back. but she grabbed them anyway and doted over whether or not they were good enough because there was a scratch. the dentist looked them over, said they were good, and they rushed away again. even though it was a more stressful atmosphere than normal, at least i knew within the first 15 minutes that i got the ok. however, i was taught how to floss like i was 6. even though i floss regularly. once a day (unless i'm too tired or inebriated to care) just like they tell you to do.

so i'm not sure what else to say now. i have to get going. shower and get ready for classes in the morning. one weird thing... for some reason, i am now more ok with gardening. not just like i can keep things alive, but i don't resent the plants anymore and actually want to keep them alive. my very first plant was an ivy cutting that i made my mom care for because i didn't think i could even manage that. yeah, we killed it. so my first real plant of my own was one mayhem gave me. it was cute and all, but i secretly wondered why the hell he gave me something to care for when he should have just been thankful i knew how to care for myself. ok so maybe i'm greatly exaggerating since i've always been pretty independent. but i just focused on the problems. but now i am actually digging (har har har) it. we'll see if anything truly survives from this week and a half when i was gone. everything still looks alive, but that's fooled me before. at least my stuff was inside. mayhem left his on the porch by accident. it froze. haha, oops!

well this is all nothing much of substance. i'm glad to be home. i have a lot of catching up in real life, but i will also try to catch up in the blog world. both in your lives and in my posting. ok, shower time. hugs!


Wednesday, March 16, 2005

Answers needed... 

first thing's first.... mayhem's description of the day: i'm "sexy as fuck."

ok, a couple things... the less important things first.

why does it seem that religious girls want religiously-apathetic boys, and then try to change them? no wonder religious boys are so frustrated. i know several boys who never went to church from their own will who have been basically whipped into submission by religious girls. and even odder are the atypical religious girls. like girls who have sex with several boyfriends and then say their religious beliefs dictate that they can't live together for any period of time before marriage (or pay rent for their place but live at the boyfriend's 5 of the 7 days of the week, but still claim it's not living together). or who are sex freaks AND jesus freaks. but either way, the guys seem to crumble to their knees with these girls easier than any other. it just kind of seems odd to me considering how big a deal religion tends to be for people.

on a related note, for the people who won't take God's name in vain and consider saying it other than in prayer taking it in vain, what do they scream during sex? if they can't say "oh God," then what? do they just say the other person's name the whole time? they can't really say "oh fuck," "hell yeah," or anything else either. anyway, that is just something i've wondered about.

now the real issue that has bothered me...
so i discovered this past week that one of mayhem's best friends thinks that mayhem isn't good enough for me. apparently he's thought that for quite some time now, and he's told everyone but the two of us. somebody slipped and mentioned it to me last week, and it has definitely bothered me. besides all the crappy friend factors that are raised, i can't help but wonder... is there some validity in his belief, or is it that he actually wishes he had me? i could see him going off on how mayhem isn't good enough for me with the underlying factor being that mayhem isn't him; therefore, mayhem isn't good enough. or maybe he sees something i don't? i don't know. anyway, it's been invading my thoughts all week. comments, input, advice, etc are all welcome.

i will hopefully be back for good at the end of the week. this was just a brief internet availability. love you guys! please keep reading... i'm posting any chance i get! xoxo


Oh man... 

got to keep this quick, but just letting you guys know i'm alive still. this past week or so has just been horrific. drama, accidents, stupid people, and more. i'll explain probably at the end of this week when i can get back to life as normal. because i have to think hard to find positives, we'll try it... dentist was fine. got a free CD. um yeah... i'm fresh out after that. oh wait, i can make it 3. get to try out satellite radio for free for a couple days. there. 3 good things that have happened in the past week. pitiful.

ok, i'll explain stuff later. and sorry steve, i didn't hunt down bin laden all by myself.


Saturday, March 12, 2005

Change of plans... 

just a quick post. still alive. still doing fine. plans for the week have definitely changed. i'll explain more later. i've been busy lately, and due to some unexpected complications, i may be gone longer than anticipated. the car will probably be out of commision for most of the next week, meaning that i won't be able to get back to my apartment to return to life as usual. at least if this all had to happen, this was a decent week for it, although it kind of screwed up my original plans. but it's ok. i'm just glad i'm safe and nothing horrible happened. anyway, sorry to be vague, but i have to run again. i'll explain more later. love you guys.


Thursday, March 10, 2005

Moody blogger... 

pretty sure that blogger didn't want me to post today. i kept getting the "page cannot be displayed" message. i'll be leaving shortly for about 5 days. have some stuff i need to take care of. and as you know, there are many stressful things i'll have to squeeze in on top of it all.

i'm not in the greatest mood right now, so i'll just keep things brief. i hope i didn't already alienate somebody earlier today.

i don't have much to say. just that i may not get the chance to post much during those days. but i'll try to recap some highlights when i get back. or i may be able to post some after all. it's just always hard to tell.

i woke up with something to say. but then i rolled out on the wrong side of the bed and forgot it. well, i have a lot of packing to do still, so i better get my butt in gear. if i remember what it was, then i'll try to post before i leave. love you guys!


Wednesday, March 09, 2005


ok, when i plan a wedding, i will let people know when to show up and when they are needed for various events. being one of the people who knows that they have to do something but doesn't know when and where is not fun. i may end up in a wedding in a couple weeks, if i happen to guess the right time and place. or if they clue me in.

anyway.... i just had to get that out.


Horse mouths... 

Why are we so obsessed with horses mouths? straight from the horses mouth. never look a gift horse in the mouth. what's the deal?

sadly, this upcoming weekend is stressing me out already. i'll have to go out of town again. i'll probably have to deal with the person who doesn't like me. i'll probably have to go to the dentist, which is probably one of my least favorite activities of the entire year. i'll probably have to study for an immense exam. i'll probably have to get my car checked. i'll probably have to spend money on parking. i'll probably have to start looking for a job. *sigh* too much responsibility. i think i'll choose to regress a few years. actually, though, i think it's less of the growing up thing as a major transition thing. leaving school for good. heading into a lifetime sentence condemned to work forevermore. taking over all my finances. starting to prepare for marriage. ok, enough of that. i don't need to get that overwhelmed tonight.

well anyway.... off for some food.


Tuesday, March 08, 2005


local news pisses me off. it's all bait and switch and bluffing better stories. total crap and i hate it. some crimes against people get tons of face time on the news, and others get nothing. just depends on how well they think they can sell the story. and how many national and international stories do we never hear on the local news? it's like cotton candy... pure fluff and will rot your mind.

anyway, just several things on the news lately have been bothering me. like saying that everyone needs to hear a warning... get to the story, no only a small fraction of people need to hear about it. something that should be a complete NONstory... you hear about it for days. and oddly enough, the story happened last night, every night. oh, and the entire thing was supposed to involve the protection of identity in the first place. yeah, that was kind of undermined... everyone knows about it now. one guy disappears, and you hear an update (that there is no update) for weeks on end. some other kid disappears, and nobody other than their family and friends know.

so yes, frustrating.


Gas mileage... 

so i think i needed to remember to do something on my way home. but i don't remember what it was. well, i know i needed to get gas. and with the price of gas recently, i was not looking forward to it. so i was trying to make it stretch as best i could. actually i was amazed at the gas mileage i got this time. i got probably an extra 20 miles or so out of this tank of gas that i normally do. and when i filled it, the price was higher than ever before, but it actually required less gas than i would have guessed. in other words, i could have gotten even more mileage out of the thank of gas before i filled up. i don't think i could have gotten another trip to work and back, though, so it was probably best i filled up today.

at one time today, i felt an incredible urge to talk to other people. i just felt a little weird something. so i gave mayhem a little call to see what he was doing, but he was studying for a midterm and had to go.

it's interesting... i had a little part of last year when i just felt so blah and wanted to be lazy if i had that option. i wanted to get out of that funk, but didn't. so at some point a few months ago, something changed. i just got that motivation, i guess. i've been so much happier with myself since then. i like feeling productive. and i like getting things done and out of the way. and i like having time at the end of it all to either get the sleep i need or read or whatever. so anyway, just a yay for that!

i guess i don't really have anything earth shattering for today. i'm going to get some dinner and maybe i'll have something better when i come back. love you guys!


Monday, March 07, 2005

Sopping wet... 

i never knew it was scientifically possible for an article of clothing to stay wet this long. i washed a sweater, squeezed out all the excess water, and laid it flat to dry. just as directions indicated. i moved it to take a shower, and had to squeeze out a lot more water. checked it in the morning... still soaking wet. put it on the patio on a rack so the breeze could help dry it, and specifically on a rack so the air could reach both the top and bottom of it. just brought it in because i didn't want to forget it over night. parts of it are still soaking wet. what the hell?! what gives. over 24 hours. still so wet. i just don't understand.



although it's not fantastically warm (not quite short sleeves weather and definitely not AC weather), i feel like wearing a skirt tomorrow. and some strappy shoes. i broke in a new pair of flip flops around the house today, and they felt so lovely to wear again. i love strappy shoes, especially flip flops. they even lifted my mood and made me feel sexy. with their squishy base and my soft carpet, i walked toward the bedroom and noticed that my boobs were nice and perky and slightly bouncing along with my gait. mayhem sees my big but perky boobies as one of the great creations of the world... perky and big are hard to come by. so anyway, seeing my girls bouncing with glee as i walked made me smile.

so this was all just to say that i feel like wearing a skirt and strappy shoes (maybe even flip flops even though they are not technically allowed) tomorrow. but we'll see how it goes tomorrow morning... i may see my pasty white legs and run back into the closet to cover them again. but we'll see...


Aud possibilities... 

seriously the last thing before i get back to my previously scheduled laziness with tea, blanket, and book. if i were to audblog anything (and this is not a promise that it will happen), do you have any ideas or suggestions of what would be of interest? i mean, i could really go to town with random noises and playing name that noise, but i have a feeling that you guys would tire of that pretty quickly. (right now, the noise would be the buzzing refrigerator and the thumping upstairs... i think this week may be the week she goes. a couple weeks ago she said she was leaving in a couple weeks.)

anyway, just something to think about. i don't even know where i put my info for it (i signed up long long ago). if i had a hands free set up with speaker or something in my car, you could enjoy my entire drive to work with the squealing tires and curse words and rapid fire radio station flippings, but i don't think it would be very safe (and to those who really don't know... i don't squeal tires, and i have my moods... i'm either a mellow but in-control driver, meaning i'll pass you if you're going to slow even if i'm chilling, or i'm one of those sweet girl anomolies who will have the worst case of screaming road rage profanity potty mouth but then it switches off just like that and i'm back to being sweet... and i never do the bad road rage stuff that gets people killed. i don't like that stuff. long tangent.)

yeah, i forgot where i was going originally, so let me know if you have any ideas should i test it out.


Memories of yore... 

i have a feeling this is going to sound like something out of an old book. but here goes...

as i poured out my chai tea, a couple memories popped into my head. one was of my mom turning her nose at paprika, as if she thought it were a spice used by inexperienced chefs. it was at nothing really, i think somebody told her that the secret to making good cornbread was adding a littl paprika. or something like that. she just acted like "oh yes, that tired old trick. i'm not interested in altering the classics as if i can't make it well any other way." i'm sure she uses paprika. i'm sure she likes it, but that memory just stuck in my head.

another memory as i passed the sink was of doing dishes as the cable repairman came. he was a happy soul and was just enjoying life to the fullest, even though he had to work with electrical wiring in the pouring rain. after he got the problem fixed, he came back in to check the cable and internet. he walked in, took a good whiff, and declared that i must be washing dishes with palmolive. and he said it with such a hearty ol' south accent, too... paaaaaalm mOlive. he said it was his secret for keeping his hands so soft, so i looked down at his hands and mine to see if somehow washing my dishes had made my hands softer instead of drier. he let out a hearty laugh and said he was just teasing, he didn't know what effect it hand on skin.

lovely memories. but now, my blanket has gotten lonely...


Thank yous... 

i just want to say thank you to the creators of the flip flop. and the inventors of chai tea. and to the little asian lady who is altering my latest bridesmaid dress, who knows more english that she would lead you to believe. thank you to my almost never jealous boyfriend... he notices more guys checking me out than i notice, and i notice quite a few. but he doesn't get jealous... he enjoys it. so thank goodness for that attitude. and thank you to the pyrex people... i LOVE pyrex. possessions don't make you happy, but appreciating what you do have and what makes your life just a little easier is still worth the time. if you have things you don't need and aren't happy with them, then you're even worse off.


So far... 

here's what's up so far. i stayed up super late last night studying because i couldn't make myself concentrate any earlier. i was too happy and all caught up in feeling blessed and productive and all. but i buckled down, and i ended up studying fairly well at that point and thought i knew all i needed to know. figured i was good to go.

got to class. took my midterm. shit. ok, i just have to tell all the profs and teachers out there: if you're going to make the exam hard, then don't tell your students that it's embarrassingly easy. at least give it to them straight so they have a fighting chance. tell the truth when you say what will and won't be on there. and tell the truth when you say they will or will not need to memorize the mundane details. she said don't memorize, just know the basics. so i did. but she wanted moemorized details. i tried, but i don't know how well i succeeded. i reviewed everything, but i didn't pore over the stuff she said not to worry about. suckah, it was on there. biatch. but whatever. i think i can still manage an A with the other assignments in there.

i'm definitely very tired from the late night study session. but after i left, i was in a good mood. i'm getting really good gas mileage for some reason, and am debating if i need to go ahead and fill up now so i don't chance it on the drive to work tomorrow and going through the bad parts of town or if i squeeze out another day and hopefully save a little dough on this horrifically high gas prices. of course if it jumps again tomorrow afternoon, then i'm screwed either way, so who knows. it's a gamble. but today is such a nice day and the guage claims i have enough gas to get to work and back even though the mileage would say something to the contrary. as far as i know my guage is still accurate so i guess i'm going with that.

on my way home from class i got a couple items at the store. came home and actually read the details for my roadside assistance plan thingie. i thought the benefits were a little better, but i guess any money off something that i'll have to do is worth it even if i still have to pay something in the end. and it was a pretty cheap plan so i guess i should have expected it. so anyway, i came home and was productive again. put stuff in my car that needed to go, took some stuff to the dumpster, put my plants out for some sun (please don't die), etc.

i'm actually in a pretty good mood even though my body is revolting. i'm supposed to start any time now, and i could feel it as soon as i woke up. it just makes you feel yucky. it's like your body is disgusted with itself and is pouting, but worse. so anyway, i tried to prepare in case things got going during the exam. luckily it didn't, but i still feel gross. i am very thankful at least that i only have to go through this once every three months. thank goodness for the modern technologies of birth control. so yay for being happy in spite of my body's temper tantrum. and enjoying the extra long afternoon granted to me by that bitch of an exam. the good and the bad, they come in balance sometimes. i think i'm going to soothe my body and my mood with a warm cup of tea, a blanket, and a good book. yes, that sounds divine right now. hope monday is treating you guys well. hugs!


Sunday, March 06, 2005

Blessings and riches of the heart... 

i am so blessed. i am so grateful for everything i have. i am blessed with abundance. i know some of the most amazing people in the history of the world. i know some of the most inspiring women ever, and am even a descendant of one of them. i am the daughter of one of the most amazing men in the world, and am blessed to be in love with one of the most incredible men in the universe and to get to marry him one day. i feel like the little grinch after his heart grew so big that he thought it would explode. except, thankfully, i never felt like the grinch did before that, with his heart closed off to everyone who cared about him. today i am noticing even the smallest things as blessings. the way my hands became warm and soft after the shower even though they were dry from cleaning beforehand. they way my hair smelt earthy and oriental, like loose tea in a wooden box before the shower. i know that i am so rich in blessings and to know the amazing people i know. i know that this is the key to letting go. if i have 20 people who love me dearly and would sacrifice anything for me. if i have so many people who i love so dearly that it would draw tears to my eyes just trying to describe the indescribable about them, why they are so wonderful, why i love them so much, why on earth i was seen as worthy of being in their innermost circle of friends... if i have so many people who love me and i love them, then the one girl who is trying to bring me down should be completely insignificant. she can't make these people dislike me. she can't take them away from me. she can't make me stop loving the others. if she focuses her life on making me miserable, then she truly does not have a worthy life of her own. and that makes me sad for her. despite all the heartache and hurt she has put me through, i still feel sad for her that this is what consumes her heart. this is what i need to remember when i encounter her next. love and compassion in my heart. i am too thankful for what i have and who i have to be drawn into her games.

i am humbled by this abundance of blessings, and by the realizations of tonight. i am thankful for everything i have. from the people i love, to the roof over my head, to the incredible bed i snuggle into every night, to the ability to laugh and find joy in every day. i hope many of you see these aspects in your own lives. i hope all of you are as blessed as i am. i love you all. hugs and kisses!


What a tool... 

ok, so i think i may turn into a tool fanatic. i have my own electric sander (it is SO much fun!), a laser level, and a few other tools. so far. but i want more, and to learn how to use more tools. have i mentioned how much i love needle nose pliers?! anyway, this could get dangerous. especially when you combine mayhem and me in a couple years. but i am assuming that mayhem will be willing to share his tools with me. if he's one of those men who won't allow a woman to touch his tools, then we will need to have a very serious discussion. (note: i acknowledge that dirty comments can be made about allowing women to touch a man's tool.)

hmmm, do i dare suggest that we register at a hardware store for the wedding? that could be very very dangerous...

well, that's about it. happy about my newest tool and hoping to get to use it soon! yay!


Nearly forgot... 

ah yes, i almost forgot. this weekend, i was supposed to learn how to slap hoes on gran turismo. but no luck. mayhem played it for a little while while i was on the phone, but he got off when i got off the phone. never got to play. but i did push a few buttons. figured out how to make the guy prance, which really entertained me. i was laughing my ass off at the tough guy prancing around with a baseball bat. i'll have to learn how to do the other stuff later.


Back to my pad... 

after a weekend away, i'm back. visited the boy at his place at one point... it inspired me to come home and clean my place. unpacked everything and put it all away. put in a load of laundry, watered my plants (i finally got them back from mayhem!!! FINALLY!). handwashed a few items. cleaned the bathroom. i feel better now. once i take out the load of laundry, put them away, and take a shower, then i'll really be feeling good. i think the boy is going to have to clean a few specified items before i go back to his place. if he cleans his sheets, bathroom, and vacuums, then i'll be willing to go back. hell, even just washing his sheets, warning me not to walk barefoot on the carpet, and washing the fuzz down the sink after he shaves would make me willing to return.

anyway, enough about that. this was a pretty good weekend. i got stuff done, found a good guy to complain to who credited my account the money that the customer service bitch wouldn't. mayhem and i had a very laid back weekend. ended up having dinner at a restaurant/sports bar. got interested in the college basketball game because we wanted to see if one of the teams would lose to spite a punk ass bitch we know. and they did, so we laughed. laughed over our dessert. laughed as we saw all the guys check me out at the restaurant. reacted with surprise as we discovered that the chick mayhem had joked about earlier made some indication that his joke was dead on (he said he thought she was going to the bathroom to puke up her dinner. then she later mimicked it to her friends. go figure!) we ended up being one of those annoying in-love couples who hunkered down low in the booth together, cuddles up, and kisses throughout almost every conversation. i know, sickening. but i made strides in the letting go department. mayhem made stupid comments, i got frustrated for a little while, but then i let go.

i have the first official nomination for punk ass bitch of the year. i have to say that the evidence is pretty overwhelming for this nominee. if you have other nominees, then let me know. ongoing nominations are accepted all the way through october-ish. winner will be announced on the second blog-aversary.

more later. i know i have more to say, but i need to study some for a midterm exam. although i have sake calling my name. damn! decisions decisions...


Thursday, March 03, 2005


i'm ready to head out the door, but i figured i'd say bye! i was able to finally sleep like i needed last night, which felt incredible. when i first woke up, i felt stressed, but i made myself let go of it. we are all a work in progress.

ok, the new whipped cream cheese... yum! flavored of course... i'm not sure how unflavored but whipped would taste. but it's nice, it's lighter. and because it's less dense, it feels cool but not frigidly cold like cream cheese straight from the fridge.

you really never know what you'll get when you come here. i've discussed laundry and cream cheese in the same week. kind of a sad week, i guess.

at one point this weekend, i'll be at mayhem's. which is fine, except i wish he could come over to my place at some point during the weekend so we can hang the thing we bought several weeks ago. it's still sitting with all the materials in my living room. but hopefully next week. i think i'll make sure he plans ahead to get over here that weekend. oh crap! nevermind, i won't be here either. we'll be out of town. damn. i have a feeling that my place will never be quite finished.

well i better get going. i have to finish packing everything and get going.


Wednesday, March 02, 2005

Non-buyer's remorse... 

ok, so today i got the opposite of buyer's remorse. i didn't buy a couple things that i had considered getting because i saw that they were damaged only once i got to the check out lane. i told the lady but she didn't offer to have somebody get a non-damaged one for me. so i had to let it go. thing is, they were on a really good sale, so now i think i'm antsy about not getting them because the next chance i get they may be back to full price.

however, i got a couple fantastic gifts for people who have upcoming events. so i cannot wait to give them the gifts because i know they'll love them! i love when you find gifts like that! so yay.

i know i need to let things go. like what i didn't get. i can so definitely live without the stuff. it's not like i had to go without dinner. and i need to let go of the frustration with the bitch chick. i know i'll have to see her in a few weeks. and i don't want to. i try to remove people from my life who are evil and detrimental to my well being. so it's tough when i have no choice but to be around them. so i need to let go. she could easily bring out the worst in me because she acts so horribly to me. but why give her that satisfaction? so i need to get used to the idea now and brace myself to be the best me through it all. and if i have to do anything, it will be calling her on her lies and other shit. but since she does it behind my back, i probably won't have that opportunity. so it's back to the "best me" game plan.

hmmm, what else... yeah, that whole letting go thing. that's something i really have to learn. i think i'm going to be gone this weekend. just so you guys know. i'll probably get in a post or two, but it may not be as high volume as usual.

i need to clear my head. more later my sweet little babies...


Tuesday, March 01, 2005

Poor sunglasses... 

i broke my sunglasses today. i try to keep them in my car, but i frequently forget and wear them straight into the house. tonight was one such night. as i was kneeling to put something away, i heard a crisp little snap. i was like, ok what just got damaged... OH NO! it's my adorable little sunglasses. my large powerful knee snapped the lens near the nosepiece. damnit. poor little sunglasses. overpowered by a joint... just not the kind the conservatives are so worried about.



i decided that i want to live in a dryer. but i'd take out the tumbler and just leave it on warm. i love opening the door and crouching in front of the dryer as i take out my clothes, soaking up the heat. so i want to just live there. it would be so warm and cozy. i'd purr like a happy little kitty and snuggle with anyone....



now i remember what i was going to write about but forgot. it's pretty sad, but this was the "living on the edge" moment of my day. i tried using clorox for colors. i was worried that it was a shiester's sham and would ruin my clothes (especially since i throw as many clothes that i own into one load and am guessing that if they all bled together it would be like smashing all the playdohs together until it's browny-grey-grossness). so i tried it with my sheets. i figured if they looked horrible, i could just allow off-white sheets to become white and make them normal again with regular bleach. so i put the load in, awaited with butterflies in my stomach (ok, not really), and checked it when it was done. colors were normal. yay. into the dryer they go. we shall wait and see if it's really worth the money or if i'll get super adventurous and try the grocery-store version of it when this one bottle's gone. or if it even seems like it makes a difference in the cleanliness or colorness of my clothes. this is seriously an experience for me. my family was so not the traditional laundry kind of family. everything goes in together, cold water to avoid bleeding, dryer sheets no downy ball stuff, no bleach, etc etc. life. on. the. edge. or for most people. to me, it's just smart, practical, enables my laziness, is more environmentally friendly, and more V friendly because i have one load of clothes and one load of sheets/towels. now that i can get things extra-clean with color-friendly bleach plus continue my half-ass laundry habits, i'm very happy. i know this was boring as shit for all of you, i still decided to share. sorry. or woohoo in case you have a laundry fetish. hahahaha. i'm slap happy.

P.S. to the very few of you who made it to this point, i have one final question. or those of you who have used bleach regularly... does it affect the durability or lifespan of clothing? i mean, bleach is a pretty harsh chemical, and i could see it slowly eating away at the life of the cloth. just curious for anyone who knows!


The day... 

so today was much better than last night. although i was tired as all hell. mayhem and i got into it even more after i posted. it was rough, but i think things will be ok as long as we can come to a compromise. if we can't, then i don't really know what will happen.

after being so exhausted and tired all day, somehow i saw the late afternoon sunset and got a second wind. i could have sworn up and down that i would get home and crash on the nearest soft surface before the door even clicked into the latch. but somehow i got energy again. it took all day to get the second wind of yesterday evening, but i got it. so anyway, i was able to put everything away, check my mail, throw it on the floor (cleverly disguised as a stack!), do a load of laundry so i have clean sheets, and vacuum the living room and dining room. what kind of drugs were slipped into my water?! so anyway, i was productive, which was great.

i had something more to write about, but i lost it. my mind flitted away. flit. flit. yep, that was my brain. gone.


The official stuff...

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