Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Silly rabbit... 

once again, i must be the only one with a dirty mind. either that or i truly over estimate the intelligence of these advertising/marketing people. (of course, thinking back on the marketing and advertising majors i know, i should expect all commercials to strongly remember infant picture books and "pat the bunny.")

that activia yogurt by dannon that's supposed to fix your digestive track is my latest victim in the stupidity wars. so they zip these little yellow dots onto the tummy on the screen. then they form them into a downward-facing arrow toward the woman's privates and zip them down to her no-no areas. it's like those naughty t-shirts guys wear with various sayings that include an arrow to their dick. except this is a really bad commercial with forced acting by a couple women, and i can only interpret that "digestive track troubles" must been either diarrhea or constipation and this yogurt must be full of fiber or laxatives.

now i think i'll go buy a "pat the bunny" book and rip off the fur, send it to a certain marketer, and enjoy their utter confusion over how the bunny wasn't very fuzzy wuzzy?!


Monday, February 27, 2006

Luxury seeking... 

so... had a good weekend. had some fun shopping, had some fun with mayhem. have a secret that i'm going to keep ;) i nearly broke down yesterday and spilled, but i stayed strong and kept my mouth shut. it's hard when gossip is the bread and butter of my workplace.

i'm still being good with my promises to myself, too. but i did buy a bunch of candy. not so good. but oh well. it's kinda demented. i'm eating dozens of teensy little kids right now... sour patch kids. i don't like them yet i love them.

i want a vacation to just relax. sleep in late, cook decadent things, take a nap, watch movies, take a bath, then go to bed. i think that sounds absolutely delicious. oh to dream...

topics. questions. comments. throw them in my direction. i have a mental block on interesting topics at the moment.


Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Bed goals... 

so... i've made a ton of agreements with myself lately. seems like i always do that. i guess that's just kind of how you get things done. you tell yourself what you need to get done at work each day. you try to tell yourself what you're going to do that night, like exercising or cleaning or getting to bed at a decent time. you say you'll eat right. you tell yourself all kind of things, but then you find it very easy to break those promises. after all, you just decided you would do something. so what if you changed your mind....

but really, you should be truest to yourself first. i mostly do what i do because i over-promise and set lofty goals, and have to compromise when i can't do it all. there's no way i'm staying at work until midnight just to get everything done i decided i'd do, then stay up all night as i do everything i thought about doing. at a certain point, you rework those agreements and scale them back. i'll just finish this one task and call it a day. but i'm tired, so i'll go home and grab a bite to eat. not selling yourself the world, but it's what will actually happen.

don't know why this has been on my mind so much lately. i think because i set goals that i actually want to meet.

in other news, i am still very much in love with my bed. the love affair is getting out of control. every morning, my bed whispers delicious sweet nothings into my ear to try and convince me not to get out of bed every morning. it reminds me that another few minutes could just be blamed on traffic. that it could make the difference between dragging all day and being peppy. it reminds me how warm it is and how cold my apartment is. other than the warmth thing, they're all lies. but it's hard to remember that as a weak bed-loving woman. i'm so small compared to the bed, and when it captures me, it's so hard to escape.

speaking of beds, i think i'm going to reunite with mine.


Monday, February 20, 2006

The responsible life... 

i know i'm a sap when i saw the commercial for "miracle workers" and thought "wow, that looks like good tv."

when you're an adult, you have to be your own parent. if you need to take care of yourself, it's up to you. nobody is going to remind you to drink your milk or take your vitamins or clean up your room. some of it is easy because it's important to you and isn't a pain in your ass. some of it is hard because it's stuff you never really wanted to do or liked doing in the first place. now you can get away with it. but more than likely, it's still not good. you'd have a healthier environment if you cleaned. you'd have a healthier body if you ate right or took your vitamins or whatever. you'd have a better credit score if you paid your bills promptly (similar to the "come straight home and do your homework" philosophy).

i should save this speech for mothers day to show my appreciation for everything my mother taught me, no matter how much i hated it. i haven't grown to love cleaning, vacuuming, dusting, scrubbing, veggies, chugging water, walking for my health, or anything else i know i should do but wish i didn't have to do.

blah, that's about it. now i have to drink a glass of water because my new rule for myself is that when i can't make up my mind on what i want to drink, i have to have water instead of something better. being responsible sucks.


Sunday, February 19, 2006


this has been a good weekend. it has definitely made me smile. and while i wish it could last forever, it has seemed better and longer than most weekends, so i will feel satisfied rather than dissappointed when the night draws to an end and i must go to sleep knowing that i will wake up to another monday.

after weeks and weeks of being in a funk and agonizing over if and when mayhem and i should call it quits, we have struggled up the hill and conquered enough demons to feel like we're on steady ground again. this may be part of why my writing has been so sparse lately. i hate baring too much of the bad because i fear that i'll start getting an onslaught of "dump him" comments. it's so easy for outsiders to decide i'd be better off without him, but he's a part of me. there was nothing really remarkable that happened this weekend to bring us back into the good time. i think we had just finally reached that point. he broke through some of my barriers, and i let down some of my guard. i trust easily, but i also put up my shields easily too. it's hard to recover after breaking my trust, even if it's just a little bit. mayhem never cheated, he never abused me, he never did any of that horrendous stuff, just to clear the air. he did hurt me emotionally, though. he had started to take me for granted and spout off at the mouth a little to quickly. i remembered the old days when it was physically impossible for him to get upset with me and wondered what could have gone so wrong. in reality, i'm sure a happy medium is the healthiest. it's dangerous to know you can do no wrong... that's almost too much freedom for a human to have. but i can't be with somebody who gets upset with me easily, either. that was a part of my childhood that i'm glad is in the past. i couldn't handle it then. i'm a crybaby.

at any rate, we are doing much better now. i'm reminded of the man i fell in love with. the man i would consider marrying. and i think he is seeing that in me again as well. i'm happier, lighter, able to joke and just be with him. the most remarkable things are really so ordinary. they are things that anybody else can do, but it means nothing coming from them and everything coming from the one you love. like when i wake up hungry and mayhem braves the cold apartment and freezing floors and fixes me toast to have in breakfast so i can stay warm. anybody can fix toast. anybody can hand it to you. but it's more than that when it comes from him. just like hugs. anybody off the street could give you a hug, but it's not going to mean the same thing or feel the same way as that one person you love the most hugging you. the love, the history, the certain way they wrap their arms aroud you.

so before i make anybody nauseous, i will wrap up this entry. this weekend was incredible. i got to spend more time with mayhem than i have in ages, and it reminded me how much fun we have together. things are going much better again, and i certainly hope will stay better. i thank all of you for being supportive and helping me along this journey. now i'm off to soak in some bubbles!


Friday, February 17, 2006

You SO want me... 

today at work there was a visitor who could not keep his eyes off me. he was kinda cute, about my age, and had me totally undressed in his mind, judging by the looks he kept giving me. he never talked to me. but he watched my every move. he watched me write, watched me walk, watched me talk to coworkers, watched my everything. i considered hanging around until he had to leave to see if he had the balls to get my number. instead i decided to keep the upper hand and leave him wanting more. so i took my lunch break a little early and let him watch me walk away, shaking my hips and booty of course, all the way down the longest exit path i could find. it was a fine moment in my ass's history. and now the suspense... seeing if the guy finds a reason to visit again.

a discovery about work: it is really awkward to hear all of your coworkers discussing sex and wanting you to chime in. today was like "all about sex" day. everywhere i went, in all combinations. V day must have really made my coworkers randy! either they all got some and forgot how much they loved it, or they didn't get any and now they're in this horrible horny funk full of pent up sex drive.


Wednesday, February 15, 2006

the real V day... 

how awkward do you think it is for the cameramen for reality shows? i mean, people are hooking up, and the little man in your earpiece is saying, "get closer for a better shot." must be pretty awkward. unless it's a prerequisite that they're a total voyeur.

i'm back into a total music kick. but i'm po'. (as in poor. no money.) can't afford the CDs. can't afford the i tunes. it's pretty funked up that it's cheaper to buy DVDs (sound + picture, 2 hrs) than CDs (sound only, often under an hour) at this point.

can i just decide the work week is over already? this has been the worst week to get through. not my worst week at work, but the worst case of the mondays, every day, every afternoon, and every evening. ready to pull out my hair, cry, throw a fit, bitch, whatever it takes to be done with it.

oh, and v day was v day. yadda yadda. same typical thing, dinner out, expensive card, etc. but one of my coworkers got engaged, so that was cool for her. but the V day that i'm REALLY excited about is today. rock has declared that today, 2-15, is V day as in vortexia day. that's right, i kick that much ass. there is now a day devoted just to me. and we're not talking just an impromptu national vortexia weekend (which, by the way, needs to be celebrated soon!). this is a big deal day celebrated and embraced by millions. by next year there will be hallmark cards and sales and commercials about the new V day. hell yeah!


Monday, February 13, 2006

How bizzaaah, how bizaaah... 

(you know, that song from the 90s)

so i took a little siesta when i got hom from work and had a truly strange dream. it goes a little something like this...

i think i must have been an ad exec listening to pitches. one of them was a giganormous telephone (i mean, we're talking stood a couple stories high) shaped like a tyranasaurus rex. and get this. the actual telephone part of this monstrosity was the t-rex's penis. and he was proportionally rather small now that i think about it.

although it was funny in its own right, i couldn't argue that we could ever find a market for this thing, so i shot it down. in doing so, i called it horrifucking. because it was fucking horrible. as bad as fucking a whore (whore-i-fucking). then i started laughing hysterically, in the dream. but it was enough to wake me up at that point.

it was at that moment that i then looked up and saw my ceiling fan, which led to a bolt of inspiration. no, not to literally freeze myself to death by turning it on, but a brilliant photo shoot idea. (yes, stupid to tell the world in case somebody steals the idea, but also smart to show i called dibs on the idea first.) the necessities... digital camera, fan on low speed, a brave (or stupid) streak, and a lot of faith. put camera on timer plus burst-shot feature and steady it
facing outward on one of the blades. then it takes odd shots of the room in motion. pretty cool little photo essay if it turns out the way i envision it. we'll see if i can make it happen. i'll have to see if i have an available memory card first and foremost.

oh yes, and the most important thing to all the men out there, i did take note of tony's photo suggestion and do have a short plaid skirt........ first in line to be my photographer?


Saturday, February 11, 2006

regrets. there are some things in my life that i've always been curious about. if i took the other path, what would have happened. how would it have changed my life?

in other news, my back is in spasms right now. i don't know why, but it hurts like hell. i may shove a knife in it to ease the pain if it doesn't get better soon.


All about the dream... 

the other night, i cried so hard that my lip swelled. it was a very raw moment with a lot of very real pain that i had still hidden and shoved deep inside from when my mentor died. i had ignored and denied it because i couldn't deal with it at the time. truth is, i will probably always think of some excuse to never fully feel the pain and heal from it. i discovered long ago that i'm not one who enjoys that kind of "what's wrong?" attention and having to rehash the painful details a million times. plus i figure most of those people are being insincere and just want the scoop so they can gossip. the people i'm closest to know what happened, and i wrote some on here about it, but that's about it.

so now on to the topic at hand... dreams. i've had a lot of weird ones that i remembered lately. so here's a few of them. last night i had a dream where i started a new pack of birth control before i finished the old one, and then discovered that i had two going at once. i know, that one's boring and just kind of weird, but the others get a little more interesting.

in one i had a few nights ago, there was a supreme court justice who wrote a very scandalous tell all book about all the secret drama that goes on in the courts and in the personal lives of all the judges and in his life. he was being mobbed my the media to answer questions about this (not surprisingly) bestseller book that exposes a zillion skeletons in everyone's closets. they also want to know how this is going to affect the supreme court and his job there. he then announced that he was resigning. the media goes into a frenzy, and just as he is about to break free of them, he turns back and tosses out his final remark.... "oh yeah, and i'm gay." then off he goes in his black towncar, as the media roars.

in another dream, two of my superiors at work were talking and were very visibly upset about something. i ask what was wrong, and they couldn't even discuss it. they were just that upset. i kind of stood there with them for a few moments, trying to be supportive and available to comfort them if they wanted to talk. finally one of my coworkers, who is very large, looked down at a sandwich in his hand, and as a means of explanation of how detrimental this news had been, very sincerely told me, "i'm too upset to even eat." hard not to laugh at that irony. thankfully it was just a dream.


Thursday, February 09, 2006


funny coincidence. (unless it was on purpose.)

ER tonight. john leguizamo. got shot. he said not to worry about it, it was just a scratch. first movie i clearly remember him in was the baz lurman version of romeo and juliet. he was mercucio (i think), and got shot and said "tis just a scratch."

am i the only one who noticed? crazy! anyway, got me all excited for a second.


Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Peer pressure... 

teeheehee... as we were leaving work, one of my coworkers suggested that i unwind after this hellacious day by getting a little drinky drink. i decided to take their advice. i'm now in a very lovey mood. first person to stop by and cuddle (and lavish me with wonderful compliments) will be oh so very richly rewarded.


Beauty and the geek... 

so as we all probably know, i'm slightly addicted to beauty and the geek. i'm watching a week behind, though, so my comments are late.

this cher girl is a friggin bitch. a friggin frigid bitch. she treats her partner like crap. and she blatantly and openly acts like she hates the tristin chick. hi, it's her teammate that is the royal jackass. the poor girl's going through the ringer because she was forced to partner with the asshole of the show.

plus it shows that in the episode that will air tomorrow, she gets the sweet, hot guy. (hot for this crowd.) i always hate it when bad behaviors are rewarded.

random, but i have this coworker who seems super straight laced, conservative, and kind of uptight. in true drama porn movie style, i discovered that is apparently not the case. no big details as of yet because it's not one of the people i directly work with, but it is a woman i've seen around the workplace. it's kind of an interesting thought... i mean, i know i've shared this thought before, but we often have a "work persona" that is different from our true selves, at least to some extent. so even though these are the people you spend the most hours with every day, you don't know if you really know them.

why do we have so many crime shows? it seems like everybody is addicted to at least one of them, but why are they so popular, even when they come in a hundred different versions of the same basic premise? hmm, just curious.

any other valentine's gift ideas?


Tuesday, February 07, 2006

This is for livia... 

liv, i'd just like to say that the asian compuer wiz is now the SVU doctor. niiiiiiiice! jack of all trades :)


All over the place... 

it's been interesting. as it damn well should be if i was MIA since thursday! got to hang with family, friends, and mayhem. took some relaxation time, and just realized that there was a post over the weekend that got funked up and didn't appear. i'll have to post it.

there's so much interesting stuff that i can't especially share. i've made a lot of goals for myself lately. who wants to place bets on how long they'll last? so far i think i've made it for 2 days. we'll see how much longer i can go.

some things never change, of course. work is still work. mayhem is still mayhem. we're back on the good side of life for now. i fell for his luscious lips as he was apologizing, and i couldn't really remember why i was mad anymore. if we ever have children, they will have hideously large lips, but for the two of us, it's the source of endless fun. thank goodness i didn't end up with a skinny lipped man.

i'm sleepy. i'm still having my little crisis. it's not horrible, really. but trying to get used to working. coping with the idea of not having my school breaks. finding balance between all the things in my life (work, relationships, hobbies, etc), and trying to make time for all the things i'd like to add or change. thinking toward the future, with mayhem, with my job, with where i live, what i own, etc.

my biggest goal of late is to reduce my stress. i want to learn to chill more. do more to calm myself and more to prevent myself from getting stressed. i want to do more that's good for me, and stop some of the bad habits. i want to try to be more patient and understanding, and stop some of my bad thoughts (no, not the dirty ones... i'm keeping those!) i know... lofty goals.

in other news, one of my coworkers has started hitting on me again. he had been good for a little while, but he's back at it again. guess he can't help it since he has to work with a hottie like me ;) hehe. that reminds me, i just had a flashback of a dream i had where i was dancing to some sexy rap song with some of my coworkers during the middle of work. i think i climbed up on the desk at one point.

p.s. i LOVE scrubs!

new question of the day. very important: what should i get mayhem for valentines?


Saturday, February 04, 2006

Dream choice... 

i had a weird dream last night. i was one of the people in grey's anatomy, and i came upon the chick (the daughter of dr. grey) who had dated dr. mcdreamy. she was sitting in the cafeteria
and was obviously upset. she had a calligraphy pen in her hand. i came up to her and asked what she was doing, and she told me as she held back tears that mcdreamy and the wife had asked her to do the calligraphy on their wedding invitations, but hadn't even invited her to the wedding. i called them assholes and other things, and then watched as she quickly calligraphied her name and address onto one of the envelopes and dropped it onto the stack with the others. we exchanged a little smile of confidence that i wouldn't tell, and that was that.

weird, huh? now i have to decide what to do with the rest of my day. i don't really want to do much of anything, but i have a lot of stuff i'm supposed to do. we'll see what gets done. if it were my choice, i think it would be a massage, mani/pedi, and getting a puppy. hmm, we'll see...


Thursday, February 02, 2006

Brokeback vortexia... 

so how bad do you have to feel before you're allowed to go up to your boss, tell them you feel like shit, and just walk out of the door? i contemplated doing just that about 100 times today. i also contemplated falling asleep at my desk. i did neither. but don't think i wasn't tempted.

damnit, i just paid bills and i'm broke. broke like that mountain. shit, and i haven't even gotten all my bills for the month yet. think i could pay my gas bill with monopoly money? course i'd have to spend $40 i don't have to buy the monopoly game in the first place, so i guess it's pointless. rock, for this valentine's day, go with something practical for my gift, like paying off one of my bills. i think i may have to put myself on a budget... how sad is that?!

the asshole just called, so i guess i should get back to him. i'll try to have something more interesting than my checkbook to share next time. like maybe i'll have you guys play a game with me that i like to call, "find where V stashed her box of checks." naw, that's still boring and something i'll have to do on my own.

what color are your undies? mine are red today. besitos bebes!


Wednesday, February 01, 2006

Boy= code for headache... 

boys can be so fucking dense sometimes. yes, i definitely do need a rock weekend if it gives me the opportunity to be with an adult male who uses his brain.

mayhem has promised for a couple days that he would come over. didn't follow through, didn't follow through. finally followed through today, but in the shittiest fashion he could. i buzzed him in, and about 20 minutes later he came to the door. he was on the phone. let him in, and he walked into the back room to continue talking on the phone away from me. finally gets off, and starts giving me the play by play of the conversation. i had planned on bowling him over at the door, slamming him up against the wall, and making out with him. that never happened. we start talking about something else, and again, pisses me off. then, in very rare form for him, he gets pissed at ME for getting upset. i coulda killed him. and he preemptively got upset at me because the THOUGHT i was going to make a mean comment about something. so fine. you get nothing from me. ooooooh, it makes me so mad. i'm sick of him being a jerk and his jerk friend who screwed me over, and his jerk family who can be a huge pain in my ass.

give me a giant bottle of vino and some angry music and i'll have a fun old time this weekend... much better than i would having to endure him being an ass. boys... fuck 'em.


The official stuff...

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