Vortexia's Secret

Sometimes it is so hard to be somebody who loves so fully. I lay my heart on the table for anybody with whom I'm close. It makes me incredibly genuine and open to love, but it means that I am more open to pain. The worst part of having somebody you love visit, is the part when they have to leave. I am very familiar with this feeling. J and I were in a long distance relationship for three years, and I can't say it ever got any easier. Now that we're just an hour away it hasn't gotten much better. In fact, we have more logistical problems and it has gotten harder to take time from our frantic schedules to see or talk to each other. This also makes it easier for resentment to enter into the picture. But we're working on it, and I think this relationship is worth the effort. Luckily, these issues should go away if and when we get married. I know others will pop up, but at least right now it's easier being together and even doing household chores together than the torture of being apart so much.

This weekend J came to visit me at the apartment, and it was great... until he had to leave. He was so sweet and loving, and we had so much fun. My alarm was set early this morning, so we were awoken much earlier than we needed to be. We cuddled up to each other and just enjoyed being so close... but the time crept up and then he was late. He decided to just be late, and alternated between watching me sleep, snuggling with me, and kissing me. LOVE IT, but it doesn't make it any easier to part with him. It eventually got to a point when we realized he really needed to leave for both of us to get anything done that day. Unfortunately I cannot concentrate on anything other than him, and it makes my heart ache to know that the decision of when we get married is out of my hands and it won't happen for at least another couple years. I handle situations in which I have some degree of control much better than ones that are entirely out of my control (like this one). *Sigh*

Speaking of things entirely out of my control... I hate money (especially the lack of it). I am a poor, no make that po', grad student. I will be entering a career in which I have a great potential to make a difference to others but a small potential of making any kind of money. I know I chose it and I know I want to make that kind of difference, but I was instilled with too many money worries as a child. I started looking at apartments in the area and will be lucky to find a one-bedroom that is only a $200/mo increase from my current rent and where I wouldn't need barbed wire, a security alarm, and a shotgun to stay safe. I refuse to stay in this crappy complex another year, I won't have another horrible roommate (thus the increase for looking at a one bedroom), and I don't have a clue what I will do. Talking to my mom last night I told her the price of the ones that were potentials and the ones that were quickly crossed off the list. Although I'll be footing the whole tuition bill next year, they'll (thankfully) still be paying rent for one more year. Unfortunately, my parents' mortgage is already $8 cheaper than my current half of the rent, so such a dramatic increase is unheard of to them. I understand, but I don't know what to do. I momentarily considered J and I moving in together as a potential solution, and it did sound tempting. It would solve his similar problems with finding a cheap enough place to rent, it would help with our long distance-ish woes, would make rent affordable again for me, and would offer a little added protection to not be a single woman anymore. Unfortunately, I don't think we could do it without being disowned by family members on both sides. My family would be more likely to hear us out, and at least my mom trusts us that we seriously are waiting until marriage (although how is that technically anybody's business other than ours?); however, there is also the possibility that it could "forever change their perception of me/us" like when I asked about going to bartender school (during the summer, not dropping out of school). I don't think my grandma would approve or ever get over it (a sacrifice I'm not willing to make), and I'm sure his parents would turn it down. I would probably receive mixed reactions from just about everyone in my life, even if they really knew me. SO.... If anybody has any ideas for these money/housing woes, please let me know!

More problems... Like I mentioned above, the tuition is completely on my head for next year. That means fat student loans. Not too easy to pay off when your income will be tiny. My dad is working on the FAFSA this weekend, and discovered that summer school will probably have to be a loan only because the government considers the school year to be from July to July, and summer school starts in May. He didn't do FAFSA for last year, so to have any chance of getting anything for summer he'd have to do the 2003 FAFSA and the 2004 FAFSA for the rest of the school year. Ouch. He also found out that I may get less money just depending on how I arrange my schedule. I may take 13 hours then 7 hours if I do my second internship as a split placement between the two semesters, but if I do the internship all in one semester then I would have 9 hours and 11 hours. Nine hours is considered full time for grad school. So do we say I'm going full time since I might be and will be in one semester? Do we say 3/4 time because it kind of evens out to that but risk losing money I may need? Erg. Like I said, I hate money. I'm frustrated all over again, so this is it for that subject.

I have a lot to get done before school starts back up, so I better go for now, but I promise that I will update on my weekend. Till then...

P.S. Keep them in your prayers.