Monday, February 28, 2005


i am so angry that i'm shaking. tears are welling up. after 4 FUCKING CALLS to customer (dis)service, i finally got somebody who could "help." biggest customer service bitch i've encountered yet. she said she saw no reason for me to complain and that i didn't deserve a credit to my account because what i was told was basically correct. of course, the line i was given was correct... it was just that the fine print hidden costs were omitted and those costs were outrageous. so she tells me to hold while she works on it and pretends like she's being helpful. i ask how whatever she's doing will help, and she says that she's just making a note that i called but she didn't feel i deserved to be credited. (aka, warning other service reps not to give me money.) ok, bitch... it's on. anyway, it's a huge saga, and it's not over yet, so i'm not going to put it all up here. horrible fucking night.

now i talk to mayhem and we're fighting. bitch. he says i need to go into a store and complain about the people at the phone number. as if some store manager has control over customer service people in india. wtf. he says that the manager could then give me the number for a complaint line. ok, so let me just fucking call the store, save myself time and gas, get it taken care of tomorrow instead of during my weekend and have them wonder why it took me so long to complain, and ask for the complaint number or find it on the internet. i don't know... whatever. i'm too mad to deal with it right now anyway.

so then we start talking about plans. and it sounds like he may be too selfish with shit to try sharing anything. most couples can save a ton by sharing stuff like cell phone plans, etc, but he's just looking out for #1. and as much as he says i'm his #1, it's lies. he's #1 to himself and will just look out for what's best for him. so fuck him.

i'm so pissed i could maim something. the tears broke loose. i don't particularly want to see the boy this weekend even though we're supposed to fucking celebrate. i think i'll see my family instead. i haven't seen them in over a month and barely even talked to them other than for dealing with quick issues through email. they drive me nuts sometimes, but i actually kind of missed them last night. and tonight they sound WAAAAAAAY more appealing than mayhem.

we'll see how all of this simmers overnight. i'm sure that in his own fucked up way mayhem thought he was helping. but whatever. i have to get away from it all right now. maybe i could sue to company for the dissolution of my relationship? i wonder if bush would call that a frivolous lawsuit. ok, maybe i can just try to get my fucking billing issue straightened out, kick mayhem in the ass, and call it even.


Sucker or not?... 

ok, so i was never a fan of "hold music" but now i understand its purpose. i'm trying to make the second difficult call (the one i mentioned earlier). it involves bitching at somebody who knows nothing so they give me what i want to get me off the line. i HATE having to do that kind of thing. so i called the number. i pushed for english. i said i needed to talk to a service rep. i heard about 10 seconds of hold music and then nothin. the first time, i kind of jumped the gun... i pushed all the options i needed early so the menu just got rid of me. so i figured that they had just thrown me out of the line. so i hung up and called again, playing by the rules. but that time, it did the same thing. so now i'm listening to silence on the phone, feeling like such a sucker. i don't want to hang up and go to the back of the line. but i don't want to stay on the phone for no reason either. i will give continuing coverage of any late-breaking news about this lack of hold music crisis. it may be as big as the bay of pigs AND cuban missile crisis. don't miss it.



i made it through the day, but i am WIPED out. i could only think "nap nap nap nap nap" all day. i had planned everything for the day so i could get everything taken care of during the optimal time. yeah, scratch all that. i had to take a nap. i set the timer, it went off, i had to set it again. finally, i just turned off the timer and rolled over... i'd wake up when i woke up. yeah, an hour after i NEEDED to get up, i actually got up.

i had to make a tough call just now. i was nervous. i didn't want to have to do it, but knew for my sanity that i had to. thankfully the lady was SO nice and understanding about it. she said they'd try to help me out. so yay.

i have one more tough call to make, but it will take longer, so i think i'll go to the grocery first. i was going to go to a target too so i could get stuff from there than i needed, but that will have to wait for another day. and let me just complain quickly about something else i have to do... i have to copy EVERYTHING off my computer so i can have it repaired. i don't wanna! maybe mayhem can do it for me. i hope.

ok, i'm going to the store in my sweatpants. i had been in cute little jeans, but there's no way i'm getting back in them. i think i need another nap.

and i won't go eat a pound of the cookies... d rant convinced me it was probably a bad bad idea. but maybe i deserve one.......


Sunday, February 27, 2005

Oscar crap... 

i wrote something and blogger killed it. it was the few things i remembered about the oscars. but apparently blogger didn't like it. it said die bastard die. i'm delirious. i'm tired. i don't care that much about the oscars to bother trying to write something about it twice. but yay for the spanish stuff winning. that's about it. oh, and martin scorscese didn't win but was mentioned more than anybody else on stage.

ok, yeah, not caring to recap the recap. so whatever. i'm going to bed. showering first. brushing teeth too. then bed. somebody come join me. requirement: you have to be able to tell me a bed time story that doesn't make me want to slap you. sorry, i know that eliminates about half of you. good night.


Weight gain query... 

ok, so i don't care about weight gain, but i'm curious about something after a conversation i had last night. mayhem and i were talking about those heavenly and highly addictive oatmeal creme pie cookies. i asked him how many i was allowed to have each day, and he said to just have one a day max because he gained over 10 pounds when he at them however he wanted. so i just looked at the box, and the entire thing only weighs like a pound. so here's my question:

can you gain more weight than the object you ate that made you gain the weight? (wow, that's circular!) for example: if i theoretically (because i don't think i could do it) ate the entire box of oatmeal creme pies, all 12 cookies and like 1500 grams of fat, all at once... could it really make me gain more than the single pound that the cookies weigh? and if so, how in the heck is that possible?? especially considering that whatever goes in your body ends up leaving in some form or fashion.

i'm just curious. i never paid much attention to the weight stuff or to all the stuff people know about it, so maybe the answer to this question is common knowledge. so edumucate me!


Quick update... 

i am steamrolling through this paper. YEAH! sure my living room looks like the hell hole of the nerds, but this system is working for me. and i built in motivational tactics. for example, when i started this paper, my coffee table was stacked high with tons of books. and not fun books either. yeah, it was nauseating. but as i finished referencing whatever i needed out of each book, i tossed it under the coffee table so i couldn't see it, thus clearing off the table a little more each time. i am so proud to say that there are only 3 tiny little measly books left.

to keep me in one place (because i get so ADD when i'm forced to do something i don't want to do), i have a drink and the tupperware of cookies right by my side. other than peeing, i have no excuse to leave the computer. and my latest motivational factor... i'm keeping a tally of the number of sections that i have completed and the number of pages i have written toward the final goal. each time i finish a section, i mark it off and add to the page count. and i get to take a break. although this paper was supposed to take several weeks to write, i have already written the bulk of it today. and it's not even evening yet. just think about the poor suckers who spent weeks writing it like prof said! what suckers!!! haha, i'm just kidding. i did this mainly because 1) i had zero motivation, and 2) i had planned enough for it that i knew it wasn't going to be that difficult. i knew the hardest part would be making myself sit and write down all the info, and i can't really do that effectively until i feel the crunch. so here's to maximizing my potential and enjoying the weeks of procrastination!

a special note to high schoolers: do not try this. i am getting a professional degree, and therefore, am i professional. it takes years of skill, mastery, and refinement to learn the art of procrastination in such a way that it actually maximizes the potential of the procrastinator. write your papers early. stay focused. research. do not blow things off. do not get senioritis. find your motivation to spend long hours writing papers. do not let me be an example for you.

a special note to teachers: you may alter this entry with my permission to change the purpose (making it sound like procrastination makes you a failure) if you believe that it will prove useful for your students. i am sorry for corrupting the youth of america and possibly making your job more difficult. if i see you in a bar trying to drown your woes as a direct result of this entry, i'll buy you another drink.



so i'm no expert on this because it's never happened to me before, but my guess is the reason that girls are so obsessed with a proposal is because it may be the only time in their life when the sweetest things in the world are said to them, about them, by the person they love most in the world. seriously guys, i bet you could save a load of emotional turmoil about girls trying to force a proposal from you before you're ready or figure out if she's the one if you say wonderful things worthy of a proposal speech on a regular basis. of course it would be preferable if you really did like the girl. and weren't doing it just to get laid. i know, it sounds like a lot to require. but seriously, i bet that your girl would be so happy with you that engagement would just be icing on the already decadent cake, rather than the end-all be-all of her existence. and while i'm no expert and i, thankfully, am not that engagement obsessed, i have noticed that i've stressed about it way less ever since mayhem and i have been having incredible weekends together. i'm sure it means i'm probably completely screwed up, but less fights somehow has meant less fixation on when and if we're getting engaged. actually, though, that could just be an indicator that i'm so happy with our current relationship, that i'm not looking toward the future as the point at which the relationship will improve. ah ha! apparently late at night after deliriously staring at a computer for goodness knows how many hours trying to work on this horrific paper, i can turn all philisophical and psychological, and actually come up with some pretty fantastic theories. who knew! ok, back to muddling through this paper for a little while longer. i'm a little worried for many reasons. i'm only halfway through according to the page limit, but less than halfway through according to the number of sections i've written. trying to avert a breakdown, i need to push full steam ahead. wish me luck!


Saturday, February 26, 2005

Questions to ponder... 

how long do you think an actual person would sit next to forrest gump before they politely left? i mean, do you think people would really endure his life story?

i predict that one day people will be able to donate not only sperm and blood, but also dead skin. those people who pick dead skin from their lip... if they tuck it away in a little sterilized vial, then they can trade it in for $5 to a skin grafting company. unfortunately this practice will become very popular with the college crowd (beer money of course!), but it will mean that STDs that can be transmitted by mouth will vastly increase.

well enough disgusting stuff for now.


New addition... 

there is a new addition to make this blog easier for first time readers. i added a cast of characters to my blogger profile so people know who's who in my world. let me know what you think. did i forget anyone? how should i incorporate it so people can navigate over there to make their reading easier? is it just a waste of time and i should just get rid of it? (seriously, if it's easy enough to catch on to everything, then there isn't really a point in having it.)

thanks for your help!


Here's the deal... 

ok, i'm pretty positive the calling center i just dealt with is in india or another middle eastern country somewhere. the guy did pretty well at understanding me, and i did a fairly decent job at understanding him. but i think he was taught that we americans like to hear "ok, well here's the deal with that" whenever we ask a question. i think they need to remove that suggestion from their training classes. because somebody says that to me and i hear "ok, well sorry but you're about to get screwed over. i'm not cutting any deals with you." here's the deal spells bad news to me. like at the doctor's. if they tell you "ok, well here's the deal..." you know that the rest of the sentence is going to be something like "you have irreparable brain damage, but on the upside your hands will never fail to entertain you and stimulate your drool response." it's just not good. oh, and they also need to learn how to pitch BETTER deals that give you SAVINGS rather than something that costs $30 more. the people who go for those deals just went to the doctor and heard "well here's the deal." so anyway... that's just my little tip for the day for those call center people in the middle east. because by the end of the call i wanted to scream and cut him off every time he said "ok, well here's the deal with that." but i do applaud their increasingly fluent language skills. a few years ago when i called customer support numbers i would sit there near tears because we were both frustrated with each other and not knowing the same language. and i'm pretty good at deciphering broken english or thick accents. so god help the other people who call who are used to english only.


Preventative maintenance before a breakdown... 

tip of the day: don't be naive. be skeptical to the point of cynicism anytime you deal with a company. fucking piece of shit getting screwed over day. i have to scream and cry at a company now for screwing me over and will probably have to shop for a new company now. i hate that. i'm going to miss this company when i leave for the most part. but the whole screwing me over thing is pretty unacceptable. and i know my mom will be pissed when she finds out i got taken.

related: i hate when warranties expire. and for some reason almost all of the things i have under warranty right now will lose their warranties around the same time when they will be my full responsibility to fund (aka, around graduation time). so i pray that it doesn't mean things start going wrong. car repair is what worries me the most i think.

then to make things just a little worse, i just reached back to scratch a little itch on my back. but i was met with searing pain. what the hell happened to me?!?! so i rush to be bathroom mirror and tear off my shirt to see. youch! apparently one of those underground gargantuan painful to even touch pimply things cropped up next to my spine. thankfully i have been zit and pimple free for the most part for a couple or three years now, so i don't have the arsenal of teenage products to deal with it. so... i decided to just make the pain bearable. neosporin with pain relief it was.

anybody get the dreaded sense that today will not be a good one? maybe if i have a little breakdown i can convince mayhem to call and fight my battle for me with the company. somehow i don't think he will, though. i have to write this freaking paper. i'll try to hold it together until i write enough that i've pushed that memory out of my head temporarily and can really be productive. breathe. breathe. it will be ok. breathe. i hate being an adult sometimes. breathe. breathe. focus on the deadline at hand first, all of this can be dealt with later. breathe. breathe. breathe.


What a date... 

last night was the only time that mayhem and i would be able to see each other this weekend, and even that took a little convincing. but he decided he could come over tonight and mentioned that i should dress up for dinner. so i picked out an outfit that i knew would kill him. low cut black pinstripe pants with bright blue pinstripes. oxford style shirt that wraps around instead of buttoning up-- very low V cut, cleavage exposed, midriff exposed. 4 inch heels.

he showed up at the door as i feared he would... tennis shoes, jeans, shirt, hat. he always mentions dressing up to me and forgets to dress up himself. but he brings gifts. last weekend i woke up one morning and said that i wanted an oatmeal creme pie cookie for breakfast. he has a steady supply at his apartment, but i don't keep them stocked here. but he remembered that and bought me a box of them, and also brought a thing of cookie dough so he could make me chocolate chip cookies as well. how cute! so he put the cookie dough in the fridge and quickly turned his attention to me. to be mean, i said we better get to dinner. he was actually ok with it (i think because the faster we got there the faster we got back).

we got in the car and just drove. considered the food options. considered my outfit. i said i wasn't wasting this outfit on a super cheap place, so if he wanted that it was fine but we were running back for me to change first. it really didn't matter to me where we went, and cheap was fine... i just didn't want people staring at me like what the hell does she want? i've done it before and it's better to just change. after heading in several different directions and considering all the different combinations (cheaper food plus a movie or better food and a rental, etc) we head for a steakhouse. mayhem had mentioned it earlier and gotten both of our mouths drooling for it. and he really wanted to just spend the time with me and we kind of felt like going to a movie would take 2 hours away from that. plus i naively thought that i would work on my paper as we watched the movie.

so into the restaurant. they had a couple token valets who really did nothing because everyone was parking themselves. well, they did one thing... they greeted us and checked me out with eyes of disbelief. the food was great, but at one point we started debating the sexuality of our waiter. he took very good care of mayhem, getting him drinks before he ran out, taking his salad as soon as he was finished, joking with him, etc. he ignored me. he didn't make eye contact, he didn't check me out, he left my salad when he took mayhem's, he gave 2 refills to mayhem before he thought to give me one... and that was only after he heard us start to comment on it. oh, and when he did finally refill my drink, he forgot what i had and refilled with the drink that mayhem had. so we started joking about how the waiter wanted mayhem. but the next time he came around, mayhem decided the waiter wasn't gay because he said he checked out my chest. i'd say the jury's still out, though.

after the food is gone and we're just talking, i really start to tease mayhem. i adjust my shirt, i lean forward in interest when he talks, i swing my heel, i lick my lips, and i'm just being horribly distracting. and even just turning to talk to me during the meal was distracting for him... so by now he was really dying. finally i say "ok, we're going now" and lead him out of the restaurant. we're cracking up the entire way to the car, and again get checked out and nearly drooled on by the valets. i think i heard some comments after we were past them. as we walk to the car, mayhem makes the mistake of continually going back to this truck in the parking lot and how nice it was. it was one of those old school classic pickups. so i cut off the flirting and pretend to get huffy that he's taking home the most beautiful woman in the restaurant and all he can think about is the truck. profuse apologies and grabbing me around my bare midriff. mmm yes, you're definitely forgiven.

so you know the rest... movie store, check out a movie while the barely teen boys stare. get home and get distracted by each other before we can even start the movie. finally get to the movie and mayhem bakes me chocolate chip cookies, which i'm munching on as i type. i convinced him to stay here for the night even though i was chancing illness from him, so he stayed and left early this morning. i didn't get much sleep between him being awake all night and coughing all night and the lady upstairs being up all night moving. but i got enough and here i am. happy about yesterday. smiling about our sweet and sexy evening. thinking eagerly about next weekend and getting together again.


Friday, February 25, 2005

Well then... 

that was a quick 180 for my mood. just found out something pissy that somebody did for reasons i don't understand. wtf. i hate when people aren't just straight and honest with me. lying and being sneaky is just shitty. ok, just needed to vent that somewhere.



i long to have a guy talk about me as sweetly and with as much wonderment as tony does with this swedish virgin girlfriend. i wonder if it's just not something mayhem does, or if it's something that he does when talking about me to other people but never in front of me. and i guess he does it sometimes, but there isn't normally that wonder to his voice. i distinctly remember the one time in the past year when he did talk to me like that. the warm, fuzzy feeling i had was indescribable. but i think it was trying to win me back after a fight. and i wish it didn't take a fight and a once-a-year limit to hear those sweet things where he truly is in awe.


Sleep and dreams... 

ok, another weird night for dreams. even though this one was very weird, i really liked it. i think because it had two very sweet guys in it and we were trying to do something good. let me try to explain it...

in my dream, there were several people over at my parents' house for what would look like a family and friends cook out and maybe even pool party. people were all dressed for the summer and the doors were wide open to let in the breeze. and yet it was supposed to be the day before my family left to visit relatives for christmas. oh, and just to throw in more seasonal confusion, mayhem and i were going to somehow sneak off to new orleans for mardi gras after the party and before christmas. don't ask me... i don't understand either. all of it seems so impossible.

anyway, mayhem wasn't there for some reason. i remember there was a reason why in the dream, but i don't remember what it was. but i had two guy friends over. they aren't really people i know in real life... one kind of looked like that martin kid from 7th heaven, so i called him martin. the other looked like a conglomeration of other guys i knew in college, but i called him john. so for some reason, martin and i got all worked up that we somehow had to save some kid from child abuse or something. we left before dinner, and as i passed john sitting in a chair in the living room, he pulled me over and said "you know, if we had dated instead, i would have already proposed and married you." i was obviously a little shocked and taken aback, but he didn't mean it as a jab at mayhem or to make me choose him. he just sounded a little wistful. he knew we were leaving to save the world, so he just told us good luck. i asked him to please go ahead and stay for dinner and the party even though we had to leave. i was facing him, perched backwards on the arm of the chair, so i gave him a solid peck on the lips and hugged his head (awkward angle for a real hug). i knew he was hurting emotionally, so i held the hug for a few seconds until i really had to run. i think he said something else sweet during the hug, but i don't remember. so i rushed back to my room, changed into a white long-sleeve button up shirt (thinking that i needed to be dressed nicely for christmas dinner and may not have enough time to pack for the trip. ew, i know). then i just ran out the front door to get into martin's car and off we went. when i got in and tried to close the door, i realized that there were no doors on his car. he said he was working on it and hadn't installed them yet. and he had lots of toys in his car. i had to hug a clear inflatable ball and rest my feet on another one. we drove up the street and nearly hit a little kid, and then almost got pulled over by a police officer because the car didn't have doors. after we passed the cop, i turned my head and saw that doors had somehow just appeared. we got a little way, and then as we were about to turn onto another street, this guy who had been driving a semi walked right up next to the car door and said something to him about not doing things with his 13 year old cousin or something. i told him i was way older than that and that we were friends, not relatives, and he said he knew. he kept trying to harass us for some reason, until we drove fast enough that he couldn't walk beside the car anymore. martin got a call from his parents and from what i could hear, he had called them while i was changing and he was waiting in the car. he had asked them to front him the money we would need to save the kid's life and he would pay them back as he got the money. they told him he couldn't go to new orleans anymore and probably not to visit my relatives so he could have some of that money to pay them back. he said that was fine. i kind of asked him what was up, and he explained a little. i told him i would help him pay back as much of the money as i could, and he said not to worry about it... it was his choice to make. then he tried distracting me with all the clutter in his car. i looked down at the console between the seats and saw that he had torn out a piece of the newspaper talking about how to spot child abuse. i thought that it might have been how this whole thing started... he read it in the paper, saw that some kid we knew had all the signs, and rushed over here so we could save the day. but i'm not really sure, and i stupidly didn't pick up the article and read it. he dug around and showed me one of those spongy feeling erasers that is colorful and in a fun shape, but really erases like crap. we were laughing about it for some reason, and then we were parked at a house. i thought it was probably his parents' house, but he told me to go in while he waited in the car. we started having a discussion about how much i appreciated him and i felt awkward because i didn't know if i should lean across the console to give him a hug (he suddenly seemed moody and upset about something) or not. and then we both got out of the car and faced the house. then the dream was over. bizarre. i have no idea what we thought we were going to do (i'm pretty sure you aren't allowed to just steal a kid away from the parents if you think they're being abused), where we were, really who these "friends" of mine were, nothing. so strange!

in other news, the saga with the upstairs neighbor continues. she woke me up at 5:30 this morning by walking quickly and repeatedly over those same squeaky floorboards. it was louder (and earlier in the morning) than the dump truck rattling down the street, picking up the dumpster, emptying it, and clanging it back down on the ground. freaking louder than that. and two hours before my alarm goes off. i was so frustrated and sleep deprived at that point that tears nearly started to well up. i smothered my head between two pillows, but then i couldn't breathe enough air that i was practically hyperventilating. and the pillow didn't provide enough sound insulation, so i had to throw my arm over the pillow directly over the part where my ear was. that muffled the sound enough that i could start drifting away... until my arm fell asleep. and then i started feeling nauseous. i was so close to finding anything and chucking it at the ceiling. but i stopped myself because what would it really accomplish? the sweet lady who lives above me wouldn't know what happened or why, and she's moving in like a week so i don't see much point in ending things on bad terms. but the second i see the moving van leave the complex, i will call the manager and ask them to please repair the squeaky floorboards as part of the repairs that they do before new people move in. i have never once heard floorboards squeak that loudly. something has to be done so i can maintain sanity. sheesh!

so that was my night. kind of felt like i was in the twilight zone. maybe i'll search for earplugs.


Thursday, February 24, 2005

Brush thingies... 

have any of you ever seen anybody actually use those brush up wipe things? you know, those things that people prance around the subway stations with while doing a musical number and rubbing something that looks like a wet nap across their teeth.

i'm just curious if one has ever been purchased in their short history of production.



i want to start something new for myself. write about those little moments that are beautiful in life but fleeting. like from this past weekend...

mayhem was sleeping with his shirt off, and i was cuddling up on his side, sleeping on his bare shoulder. (that's one of my favorite ways to sleep.) we had woken up a little earlier and were just kind of talking. somehow the marriage or money topics came up, and i asked if he would be ready to propose on the timeline he had set. there was no fear, stress, worry in his voice, which was surprising since he still hasn't gotten a new job yet. but he turns his head to look at me and calmly said he said he should be able to. i still remember looking toward him and seeing both his face and his gorgeous bare shoulder. he then reached his other arm over to envelope me in a good, strong hug (again, my favorite... i hate the weak little hugs). mmmmm, yay.

so that was the happy little moment that has gotten plenty of airtime in my head this week.


Waiting list... 

i'm curious about something... if i hypothetically took a two-week break from dating mayhem and offered to date any guy who wanted to date me during those two weeks, how long would the waiting list be? i know, this sounds SO incredibly conceited, but i truly don't mean it that way. the joked started in college when my roommate would joke that the guys needed to get on the waiting list. it seemed like most guy friends liked me at one point or another, including her older brother and a few guy friends who now have wives. so we started to joke about it. but i do have a little curious side of me that wonders how many guys would really step up to date me.

anyway, just in a curiousity killed the cat mode. (and just so you know, there was absolutely nothing bad that happened between mayhem and me. i'm not considering the stupid move of losing him just to see who is interested in a single date with me. i just thought of that old joke and thought i'd post about it. so no worries... we are doing just as well as always!)



ok, so back in the day, you could see great bands at small venues for cheap. the true music fanatics would go to those shows and really rock out. but the snobs saw those as "dives" and wouldn't go... so you weeded out the truly worthy from the big venue types. those concerts were given for the love of the music. now, all the bands want to sell out huge venues and want their money's worth and then some for the small venues. so this is the change i've seen. it's generally cheaper now to get tickets for a big venue in the balcony section, and bands charge an arm and a leg for the small places because they want just as much cash from the intimate venues as from the big impersonal ones. seems like they've lost that love of the music and love of the fans in favor of (i hate this phrase) "the almighty dollar." (puke) so i see a great band at a good venue, check the price, and quickly lose interest. i can't afford that crap. now those crowds are a mix... some rich kids who have anything they want by pouting and try to act like they are in the know, some diehard groupies who will sell as much plasma and sperm as they need in order to see the band every chance they get, and a very few oblivious people who thought they could get laid by pretending to be hip if they took their date to the show.

now i will transition seamlessly into a praise of coldplay for promoting fair trade in their shows. you get brownie points for that, boys. send me some tickets and i can thank you in person. muahahaha....


Bad morning... 

slow morning. got a call from my least favorite place in the world. the dentist's office. they wanted to schedule a quality visit with my mouth. i wanted to run for the hills. they'll call back in a couple weeks since i can't drive over there any time soon.

i'm not sure why i hate the dentist so much. it's not so much that i hate the dentist as i'm scared of the dentist. with the exception of wisdom teeth, i haven't really had anything bad happen at the dentist's office. it's just always the fear of it. fear that my luck will run out and this will be the time when they have to hurt me. ok, let's not talk about it any more. i don't have the time to be freaked out today.

i was first woken up this morning by my upstairs neighbor. she's moving soon and seems to be spending every waking moment pacing on the creaky floorboards of her bedroom that are directly over my head when i'm trying to sleep, doing laundry or other cleaning chores, packing and then dropping the box on the floor during the very late hours of work nights and early mornings of sleep-in weekends. so this morning, she started pacing an hour or so before my alarm went off. then about 30 minutes before the alarm, somebody came over and talked very loudly with her, seemingly directly outside my window. at one point he sounded really angry, so i groggily checked the window to make sure he wasn't standing right there... he wasn't so i went back to sleep (0r tried at least). he also parked along the street in a way that he was blocking 3 parking spaces. very considerate of those who leave for work earlier than me. anyway, there it is. that was my morning.

oh wait, one more thing. i woke up with a sore throat. i think my outbreak monkey got me sick. the one major downside to mayhem is that he seems to carry every virus that goes around but doesn't get sick. however, he is a live carrier of them who then kisses me and infects me every season. like last weekend, he visited his parents while they were sick, then came over here and started kissing me. he didn't mention that his parents were sick until the last day he was here. i could have smacked the bastard! so anyway, this may just be because i talked so much yesterday. but if it isn't, and he got me sick, i will be kicking his ass. punk.

ok, so that was my crappy morning. i think i'll go fix some hot tea for my throat. too bad i have to finish this horrific paper instead of curling up and saving my strength. so much for relaxation!


Wednesday, February 23, 2005

My wedding... 

so my wedding is coming up soon. i haven't really planned it since i'm not the wife. it will be kind of an unconventional wedding. probably should invite bloggers only. it seems only appropriate. in the wedding, rock will become the wife, and he will marry both me and the beer. we have yet to decide if we're going to be called husbands or something else. anyway, just figured i'd let you guys know since you watched this relationship unfold.


Lost rants... 

i don't know if i have anything good from today. i haven't processed it yet. my brain went on strike. once again, i flopped down on the couch once i got home. i tried to watch lost, but closed my eyes during a commercial and woke up to the ending. oh yes, now i remember what i was going to write about...

i'm not very attached to that show. it's decent, but really just something to nap to before alias. alias is much better. anyway, they are so horrible at this abandoned thing. they need to show the people looking horribly dirty, wearing tattered clothing. hair needs to grow... all the guys have hair the same length as when they fell onto the island, and none of the girls have scraggly shitty looking hair that is no longer nice and even and falling perfectly where it did earlier when they just got a $100 haircut because they were hired for a "hit" show. beards need to sprout, making the guys look like disheveled religious zealots... they need beards like that religious freak who kidnapped that harp-playing blonde chick a few years back. the pregnant girl needs to give birth already... but my theory is that the writers didn't think the show would last long enough to plan for the baby and now they don't know how the hell to have a newborn on the island. and the fat guy needs to start losing weight... he's been sweating on an island eating sand for how long now and he looks exactly the same. so unless it's real time and we are watching every single damn day on that island and they've only been there like a week (which i'm sure isn't the case) then they need to make some changes. i'm not typically the anal type who notices all the little incongruences. i know there are people like that out there. so if even i notice these things through the mixed consciousness of my semi-napping state, then you know it's bad.

ok, i think that was about it. oh, well that and i talked to more people today (one on one) than i have in ages. probably since the last party really. seriously... so many people that my voice is getting scratchy. alright. back to a little more semi-napping and then off to bed.


Tuesday, February 22, 2005


so is it horribly manipulative of me if i always try to get helped by a man when i know that a little flirting could get me special or speeded service? for example, last week i had to stand in line for a while waiting my turn. as i chilled, i realized that i was wearing a beautifully low cut shirt with my favorite bra, hot pants (hot looking pants, not hot pants... it is still february!) that cling every so nicely to my ass, and an attitude like i was so worthy of special treatment. so i scanned my options. unfortunately there were 3 women and only one man so the odds were against me on the VIP treatment thing. warped as it was, i did briefly think that i still had a shot at special treatment if any of the girls were lesbian or had extremely low self-esteem and were super nice to those who they felt they should admire. warped, i know.

anyway, i got a lukewarm reception. i got a girl, but the guy came over to help. mmmhmm. i asked for a special favor, and he said he wished he could help, but couldn't. he was a manager and training the girl, so he couldn't let anything slide. ok, i guess i understand. when i came back, the guy remembered me and got my stuff right away... then he worked in both beautiful and sweetie into the conversation as names for me.

a previous time with a similar situation, i got a guy. he flirted and engaged me in a personal conversation about favorite ethnic foods or something and asked if i knew of any good place nearby. sorry, but no. i asked if he could speed up my wait time if i found some place nearby and brought some food back for him. sorry, but no. ok, so you suck at this... but maybe it was for the better anyway, i clearly spotted a wedding ring. so do those extra special favors for your wife and i won't buy a strange guy food in exchange for favors.

so how many of you try to manipulate in your favor?


Good kids... 

ok, so a couple funny thoughts...

i wonder what would happen to a mother against drunk driving if she were ever pulled over for driving drunk? would they unceremoniously strip her of her bumper stickers? not that i'm condoning drunk driving in any way. i just think that would be a little funny.

another funny idea? if the other side remade movies... you hear about all kinds of pornos made from the original movies. saving private ryan becomes saving ryan's private and so forth. so it would be kind of funny to see what the law-abiding folks would do with movies. like a car chase movie where everyone suddenly drove the speed limit, on the correct side of the road, pulled over immediately for the police, paid for the car they took and obtained insurance on it before driving it. ok, so it wouldn't really be funny. it would be pretty pitiful and boring. but it would be funny to see them attempt to make the movie "cool." ok, i will try to keep the remaining demented thoughts in my head to myself tonight. i told you i had some very random thoughts today! muahahahah....


Can i get a quick amen?... 

just a quick hallelujah for this little piece of grace. turns out that the prof who grades my final paper is weakest on the section of the paper where i will be the weakest. so hopefully he will be merciful because he struggles with that stuff too. when i asked a quick question about it, he made it sound like he'll be happy with any vague reference to making an effort to understanding the stuff (i know that sentence was a doozie). so i feel totally off the hook with that stuff. like i can just grab any reference, paraphrase, and fill in the blanks as needed. woohoo.


Goof off day... 

i took today as kind of a goof off day. took a nice long lunch, laughed all day with friends... delirious laughing about random insane stuff. i'm sure if anybody heard us they would have thought we were horrible psychotic people. i love laughing and making other people laugh. when i woke up this morning, i was actually ok... waking up wasn't too rough after the late night i had. but for some reason, it got worse as the day continued. i started saying more outrageous stuff just to stay awake by laughing and hearing the laughs of others. by the end of the day, all i could think of was sleep. i turned on the TV and laid down on the couch. completely passed out. i awoke to the beginning of the next show and stayed awake to watch, but napped during commercials. now i am debating if it is better to do the feel good option of just going to bed super early and getting tons of sleep, or if i should work on my paper and tough it out for another couple hours before going to sleep. i know the long-term benefit of that is better, but i am weak and find it very hard to discipline myself.

i find myself spending my spare moments waiting in anticipation for the next time i get to see mayhem. i want to spend every day kissing him. i want to look into his drop dead gorgeous eyes every morning when i wake up, every evening when i come home from work, and every night when before i go to sleep. i was told that the "in love" feeling would wear off after a few months. i must have really hit the jackpot if i still have that feeling after 6 years. i'm sorry for those of you who find this gushing sickening. and thank you for the very sweet words to those of you who like and support it.


Monday, February 21, 2005


this weekend i had a dream about my mentor. i woke up and remembered it. i told mayhem and he held me as i cried on his shoulder. it was such a sweet moment. he didn't pry. he didn't try to make me stop crying. he let me explain what i felt like sharing, held me close, and let the tears run down his shoulder. he didn't brush them away or say that i was getting his shoulder wet. he was just there for me. it was so great. afterward, i pulled out the most recent pictures of her and looked at them as i sat next to him. he looked over at them and let me go when i decided to journal the dream. it was like he just intuitively knew what i needed. as if we had been married and living together for years. nothing was discussed about how to handle it, it just all fell into place. a moment of bliss. it made me look forward to living with him.

anyway, i just wanted to share how such a sad moment became so bittersweet.



i feel strong. i feel powerful. i feel so good in my body. this weekend was the first time that i missed my workout schedule since i started. i went two or three days without working out and was worried that it was going to be hell going back to it. but i was pleasantly surprised to find that i could still do everything that i had done. and i really felt strong. i felt healthy. and i even ate healthy food as part of dinner.

anyway, i just wanted to share my little victory. i still plan on working out regularly... this didn't teach me to be bad. it actually enforced my desire to keep it up. big change from my former mentality when i was never able to work out for more than 3 times before i gave it up again.

right now i'm resisting the urge to drink coffee as i work on my paper. i'm drinking tea instead. i figure it's a good way to get both the benefits of drinking water and the benefits of whatever healthy stuff tea has. ok well, it's back to paper time once again. yes, we all hate it when i have to actually do work for school. yuck.


Good day... 

this has been a good day so far. i fell asleep last night contemplating the early history of my life. i thought about the first schools i attended, the first friends i had, the first boys who liked me. i was completely oblivious to their attraction for the most part. but i realized it last night. it was really kind of cute.

then this morning i woke up feeling rested and happy. i got up and got a drink of water, then let the snooze run once more. i got ready but still had time to spare, so i napped another few minutes before heading for class. it was a beautiful day, i felt great, and i just knew today would be wonderful. it was one of those feelings you can't really describe but are very thankful to feel.

i did the class thing, did the friend thing, and did more class, just like always. came home and realized that i am going to be such an untrusting parent. some kids were wandering the parking lot of the complex, presumably because they had president's day off from school. the younger ones who normally annoy me because they play in the street were actually being the good kids today. there were a group of older kids hanging out by the dumpster of all things, smoking, and probably in that pre-hooking up stage. after all, they still have another few hours to kill before their parents get home. my kid will hate me. i'll know all their little tricks and i'll be riding their ass so badly.

anyway, that really has no bearing on my day. i chatted with my neighbor and played with her puppy, wishing again that i had one of my own. when i came back inside, i changed into comfortable clothes and let the light shine into my room.

this day wasn't anything spectacular, but it was great just because it was. a normal day that just feels so nice. so yay. signing off with a huge smile on my face... :)


Sunday, February 20, 2005

Favorite fortune... 

ok, so i stole more fortune cookies earlier this weekend. i was a little disappointed to find that they changed brands and the cookies tasted a little differently. but they were still good. and the stolenness only makes them taste sweeter. i just got my favoritest fortune yet. especially if you play the "in bed" game with it. here's what the fortune gods promise for my future:

"soon, a visitor shall delight you."

i. can't. wait.



mayhem is such a sweetheart. this was weekend 2 of 2 that has been absolutely incredible. he is just so sweet and caring and considerate. he came over late late friday night, even though it would have been more logical to come the next morning. but he knew that it was important to me to just be able to cuddle up next to him at night on any night when we get the chance. he loves to do that too, although he tries to be a little too practical at times. but he didn't do that this weekend, which meant a lot to me.

we discussed some marriage/pre-marital issues. we looked at several different kinds of dogs to see what kind we would both want once we could afford one. he offered that he'd buy one for me now if i paid for the pet deposit, but since i can't afford that, i'll stay pet-less. we started a movie late last night, and i was about ready to fall asleep by the time it was finished. it was a pretty crappy movie, too, so we'll be trading it in for one we actually want. since i was so sleepy, he picked me up and carried me back to my bedroom. have any of you brushed your teeth in bed? it is possible, my friends. as long as you have a loving boy to assist you.

this morning we slept in and then cuddled and played around until about 3 this afternoon. we finally decided that we had to part ways so we could write our respective papers. so that was my incredible weekend with the man of my dreams. i hope to spend the rest of my life with weekends like i've had these past two weeks. ok, well back to the paper. love you guys!



so contrary to popular belief, this paper truly will not write itself. so i will be writing it. today. i hope to goodness. so send some focus and calm and intelligence my way because i'll need it! blech.

the rest of the weekend was wonderful, though. it just didn't make this paper appear. i can go into details later...


Saturday, February 19, 2005


so last night i decided to curl all of my hair into ringlets. i had been talking about it as a hairstyle for an upcoming wedding, and knew it would look romantic, gorgeous, and sexy all at once. so last night i was tired of waiting (on mayhem) and needed something to do. so i decided, "hey, why not kill my arm and 2 hours at once by curling all my hair!" stupid. but it looked soooooooooooo cute! and i liked that it was imperfect. i curled some clockwise, some counterclockwise, some were tighter curls, some were looser curls. that made some shorter and some longer. it was so cute and fun looking. i couldn't wait to show mayhem. and i wanted pictures of it.

so i waited, and waited, and waited some more. then i called, and re-called, and still got nothing. after the massive headache kicked in, i decided i had to nap on the couch until he got there (close to 2 am). i opened the door, gave him a half hearted hug, nodded when he said he loved my hair, and stumbled onto the bed. now i just have squished limp dirty looking curls and product clogging my pores. dead sexy. oh, and a boy who is STILL asleep because he showed up so late and was wired (note: if you drink caffeine to stay awake for the drive over, you'll be awake all night). oh well.


Friday, February 18, 2005


just made scrambled eggs. i think it was a bad decision. i had a couple bites and felt like it was enough. but being the only person at home to finish it, i did. blech. i'm still not sure why i had problems with it... i used the reduced fat made-from-eggs-but-comes-in-a-carton stuff, so it shouldn't have been too much fat. and it was only one egg's worth, so it's not like i OD'd on it. weird. maybe i thought i was in the mood for a scrambled egg, but really wasn't.

in other news, my cheese is really pissing me off. as i wrote a couple weeks back, i had to throw out an almost new block of cheese because of a mold infestation. i begrudgingly bought another block of cheese because it's just one of those things you should keep stocked for whenever you need it. well... i opened it tonight, and what did i find? mold. that's right. MOLD. never opened before, ever. but it's moldy already. cheese heads, listen up. heads will roll.

consider that your warning.



so i had to get my phone fixed today. it took 3 trips. it wasn't supposed to, but they didn't do everything the first time. i got all the way home before realizing it. tried calling customer support and they said it had to be done in the store. so i drove the half hour back again, got it fixed in about 8 minutes, and drove the half hour back home once more. bastards. they are the newest punk ass bitch.

on my 2 year blog-a-versary, i should hold the official "punk ass bitch" awards to see who has been the biggest punk ass bitch of the year.

i have a refurb now. i think it's messed up that they replace with a refurb, and the warranty is shorter because they know the phone won't last as long. good for them, sucks for me. this new phone is a little weird... it's the same exact model as my old one, but the casing feels different. maybe after it's been everywhere with me for the next 6 months, it will feel as worn and loved as the original. i never noticed how dependent i was on my phone until i took it in and ran errands while waiting to pick it up again. went to lunch and wanted to check the time... no phone, therefore, no clock. wanted to call up a friend to see if she passed her exam... couldn't. very weird, i felt a little nekkid.

oh yeah, as i brought in my groceries from the car, this carpet replacement truck drove by. the driver saw me and just s-t-a-r-e-d. i saw lust in his eyes. complete and utter lust. and i just walked past like i knew i was way too good for him and he couldn't have me. because he couldn't.


Ella Fitzgerald... 

i don't remember if i've written about this before or not. but i have a great respect for ella. and i was thinking about this one night and realized that she was probably one of the first female singers to openly sing about her sexuality. songs where she knew she was attractive, men wanted her, she wanted them, and she got what she wanted from them. that was pretty forward for her time. the girl's got guts. i respect her even more for that. so yay for ella.


Thursday, February 17, 2005


ok, so i'm getting tired of the apprentice. and it's so completely skewed for the street smart people to win. work at a fast food place, street vending a product, street vending a service, and now graffitti. seriously now... pathetically rigged. and i don't see the point. you want high schoolers to see "hey, i don't have to go to college to succeed like my parents have always told me. trump would hire me without a degree, so screw that!" i mean, it's a decent idea to try to pit higher education against less education and see what happens in a fair game. especially since the original apprentice idea was already getting old. but now... it's stupid. play a fair game and see what happens. that's all.



i know i say this from time to time, but i am so thankful for my friends. LOVE them. wouldn't want to live without them.


Hot and then not... 

so guess which is which.

i want to do something spontaneous. just be irresponsible for once. take off and go somewhere on a whim. hop in my car, fill it up, and drive till i decide to stop. find a concert i want to go to someplace, get in my car, and go to it. scrolled through concert listings just now and saw madison, WI. i've heard madison can be a pretty fun college town. i should just drive and drive, stumble onto the campus and find somebody who will let me crash in their room. or a student lounge where i could sleep on the couch at least. that's the beauty of it... i'm still young enough that i could do that and they'd figure i was a student, not a homeless bum (which i guess i kind of would be for that night). then i'd head out that night, find a party, crash it, meet some cool people, convince them to go to the concert too, and head out. that sounds like fun. but it could really be anywhere. it's the going that i like.

oh, the other choice is this: while i was out this weekend with mayhem i saw a frightening display. there were the sexy nighties, undies, and other bitty lingerie items. and then past them, there were adult sized footy pajamas. yes boys and girls, i wish i were kidding. i wish it was not so. but they had the polyester, flame retardant, foot odor producing pajamas for adult women. scary. as a tip for the boys, if you come home to your woman and she's wearing those, gently instruct her to remove them, and then run them through an industrial woodchipper (you can't burn them, unfortunately). sheesh. that's just messed up!


Weird dreams again... 

more weird dreams last night.

in one of them, i was voting in the iraqi election. but here in the states. mayhem went with me, but waited in the background. i guess i was somehow considered eligible but he wasn't. i was a little nervouse about voting for somebody when i had no clue who they were or what their qualifications were or anything. suddenly a guy i used to know back in middle school came up beside me. he was very tall (as he was back then), and he seemed to think we were a couple. he kept supporting me and being very sweet to me. i remember at one point, he leaned down and kissed my shoulder and whispered in my ear on his way back up. i glanced back at mayhem, who looked completely oblivious to all of this. the actual election process was bizarre. i watched as the voter guide instructed the lady in front of me on the process. (that woman actually was iraqi.) basically, they handed you a thin piece of paper (about as strong as those really flimsy napkins at cheap restaurants). then there were 3 little trays of dark red wax. they gave you a toothpick, you looked at a listing of all the different nominees, picked your guy, and wrote his name on the napkin with the wax. so you dipped the little toothpick into the first tray of wax, and wrote the name on the napkin. then you did something with the second tray of wax to preserve and hide the name you wrote. and finally you dipped the entire napkin into the third tray of wax, covering the entire thing. supposedly as they counted the ballots later they had a way of taking off the wax that preserved everything to see the name. oh, and there was an optional board game tacked to the wall above the wax next to the names. it was apparently an option for voting where you could run potential candidates through the game, see who won, and then you would vote for that guy. the voter guide lady assured us that it was not necessary to play the game in order to go through with voting.

weird huh??

then another dream, i wish did come true. a little background info... i emailed a prof from undergrad a couple months ago just to catch up and say hi. i mentioned that if i ever got a PhD it would be in the same field as that major. so in this dream, it had been a while since i heard from that prof (as it was in real life), but the reason was because he was securing a deal with the school. so he emailed back with an offer: they fund me while i get a PhD at a school of my choosing on their dollar, then when i graduate, i come back with a guaranteed job to teach with them as an undergrad prof. without even consulting with mayhem, i just emailed back that i wanted to get my PhD in new orleans (remember how i wanted to live there for a limited amount of time? how perfect, huh?). then i called mayhem and told him that we were going to get married, live in new orleans... he would work while i got my PhD, then we would move back to the city of my old alma mater. (when i told him it wasn't like a dictator, this is what we do or else kind of thing even though it sounds a little like that with the retelling.) he was all excited about it because we both want to live in new orleans for a little time and are interested in returning to the city of my alma mater. so then jump ahead... we were living in new orleans, struggling a little to make ends meet because we were living on one job (his) while i was going to school full time (even though they paid for the school, living expenses were our responsibility). but we were happy. so very happy. mostly because we were living our dream together. jump ahead again, i was the super ballsy, super young, super attractive new prof teaching a class of 50 kids on the first day of class. i just laid everything on the table and told them i expected them to be adults. i even told them that i wasn't interested in dating any of them and none of the guys should try to hit on me because it wasn't going to happen. they were shocked that i was so brazen, but at the same time, i think it increased their respect for me. pretty cool, huh?

so those were my dreams. one very strange one, and one that i would love to see happen. but i have a little glimmer of hope for a very challenging and hard job possibility that i'm sure will scare me shitless several days a week, but will be very rewarding and will make me happy and is ultimately what i want to do, even if it will be so very hard to have as my first job straight out of school. it will make a couple post-grad requirements a little harder (i may have to pay for one aspect out-of-pocket that most people can get for free in a different setting), but i will have the job i want right away, so it will be worth it. anyway, this is still just a very small little hint of a chance, and it may be shot down within the week, but nevertheless it is exciting to know that i have that slim chance. cross your fingers for me!


Wednesday, February 16, 2005

Mommy dearest... 

so guys, another question...

what kind of adult do you think i'll be? (ok, i may never grow up, so let's say once i'm out of school and married. or 5 years from now. or whatever you'd consider being adult-ish.)

what kind of mom do you think i'll be? (if i become a mom.)

just curious...


No shoes, no shirt... 

so when do you think the whole "no shoes, no shirt, no service" thing started? my guess is that it was either a result of the hippy revolution and girls running around half nekkid... no shirt and no shoes. or if it was more recent, then probably during the horrific 80s... glam band wanna-be boys in tight stonewashed jeans, no shoes, no shirt, and pretty pretty long hair that takes about 45 minutes every morning to groom. oh, and the white trash little kids with their multi-colored kevlar soccer shorts and throwback mullets. definitely one era or the other. what's your guess?


Wrong idea... 

i think we're giving the wrong idea when we mass mail those "have you seen me?" fliers. those kids have been missing for like 15 years. some potential kidnapper probably sees those every week in his mailbox and then on his milk carton and probably thinks it's like the easiest thing in the world to get away with kidnapping. we need to send out twice as many fliers with kids who are found so those would-be-kidnappers get too scared to even try. just a thought.


Tuesday, February 15, 2005


i love when i eat my bag of popcorn specialty dinner and end up picking up little bits of popcorn off my chair and eating them. it makes me feel like such the opposite of a loser. like totally. loser misery and ditziness all in one.

now on to the real news...

i made a decision that i am sure will make my popularity soar. i am going to start telling acquaintances and coworkers things about me that really should be kept to myself. inappropriate comments even. like telling the person standing behind me in line that my thong is really riding up my ass. or mentioning to my boss that the rum and coke i had with lunch really hit the spot (note: i DO NOT drink during work time... that was simply a joke. please do not take this seriously and fire me!) oh, or telling my neighbor that i like her husband's ass, or the guy at the mailboxes with me that i hope that my "special medicine" comes in the mail soon because "things" are really getting out of hand. ooh, and telling the little 13 year old "slut in training" in the lingerie store (and her way older looking boyfriend) that she is both underage and therefore illegal and that the tissue is poking out of her training bra, so she really shouldn't try going for the C cup. and finally... yelling "get a room" into the courtyard of my complex at exactly 3:02 am every night, so loud that it echoes and reverberates among all the buildings. yes i think this would make life much funnier. especially if they were all lies, like all of these were. (ok, so my thong does occassionally ride up my ass, but that's the only truth. i don't like my neighbor's ass and i don't have any "special medicine" or "things" that could get out of hand. just so you guys know. i guess the other two weren't really about me but i'll work on that. like maybe i could tell the stuffing girl that she should stuff with hamsters instead of tissue because i've found that it keeps you warm during winter. definitely not something about me, but very funny.)

if you think of any other inappropriate comments that i could use please let me know.



i got to hang with some fun people today. i wished i could have slept in more, though. but oh well.

i don't really know what more to talk about.

so this is bizarre... i come back to ZERO comments?! so strange... that hasn't happened in ages! somebody please comment, i think i'm going into withdrawal.

more later...


Monday, February 14, 2005

Flavor of the day... 

i have needed to work on a paper for nearly a month now and have done jack. i need to find motivation.

in other news, i have had an extremely uneventful valentine's... but that's fine because i expected it. i think the maintenance man is about the only man i talked with today.

ok, anybody seen the trailer for the movie "because of winn dixie"? i hope that movie dies a quick death. i hate the commercial. so annoying. and the longer it stays in the theater, the longer i'll have to see that commercial. nothing personal, really.

i came home with energy and then sat down. so i promptly fell asleep on my couch for a little over an hour. woke up feeling like a train hit me. snuggled into the blanket a little longer and grabbed the chocolate that was an arm's length away.

i am missing music. i haven't bought any in a long time and want more. i may have to get an itunes account once i have a job.

that's a little potpourri of the day. miscellaneous tossed salad of my valentine's monday. see, even people in a relationship can lead a boring uneventful v day (probably more boring than the vast majority of you).


Sunday, February 13, 2005


i nearly forgot. during the many hours of laughing and talking this weekend, mayhem and i discussed a couple very funny people. such endearing names...

skidmark steve
dick trickle

if any of you decide to name a child in my honor, please consider one of these names for a boy. of course for a girl, vortexia is completely a given. i think i'm going to try to meet a guy named steve this week just so i can call him skidmark steve... in public of course.

oh, and we also rhymed pickle with many other things... nickel, trickle, fickle, and so forth.

anyway, funny times. probably funnier to us than to you guys hearing it secondhand, but just in case the humor carried i thought i'd share.


Valentine's report... 

as for our little valentine's celebration, i put together a very cute outfit and wowed him with how sexy it looked. he actually begged me to wear it two days in a row! i got him two pairs of boxers and two pairs of boxer briefs, and his very own plant. the initial report back to me about the boxer briefs was that they were pretty restrictive and would take some getting used to. but at the very least he can wear them for sports when he would need a little support, like running and so forth. mayhem spoiled me rotten. he got me 3 things and still wanted to buy me the standard flowers and chocolates. i reassured him that what he had already given me was plenty. we also went out for dinner, which became pretty stressful because the place was not being run well at all... empty tables sat for hours, the hostess would tell people they would be seated in 20 minutes but it took nearly an hour, at which our waitress was extremely surprised because she had several empty tables in her section (and i'm sure would have liked to get the tips from those tables). anyway, the waitress was incredibly nice and put us back into a good mood. well, that and the wonderful company we kept with each other. the long wait for a table had us leaving the restaurant too late to make the last showing of the movie we wanted to see, so we went to plan B and just rented a video. it was cute, but we started it so late that it was nearly 3 before the movie was over and we didn’t get to bed until almost 4:30… and then we talked for probably another hour and a half. but it was a very good valentine’s day. i don’t know that i would have changed anything this weekend.


Heavenly weekend... 

this weekend was amazing. absolutely incredible. mayhem definitely surpassed my expectations. i felt like a princess the entire weekend, and we joked that he was being my sugar daddy. it wasn't all romance and candles, either... we spent saturday running errands that needed to be done. we had a couple little frustrations with that, but we compromised and were caring with one another and everything was peachy again. we cuddled and talked and just had some quality time that we had been lacking for a couple weeks. it wasn't really a restful weekend... we talked until 4 or 5 in the morning every single night and got up at a decent hour on saturday to get things done. but the weekend restored and repaired so much in our relationship. we reconnected by talking about so many things and we laughed constantly. he also made a very clear effort to let me know how beautiful and incredible he thought i was and how much he loved me. i am truly so grateful for him and for this weekend. the little things that were different this weekend weren't really valentine's related, so we promised that we would continue to have weekends like this in the future. treating each other with kindness and love, compromising on issues, serving each other in the ways that we can... i am so in love with this man. he is such an incredible person. i couldn't ask for a better man with whom to share my life.

this weekend was so incredible. i am so in love with mayhem. he is so in love with me. this weekend brought a lot of reassurance that we will be making the right choice in a few months when/if we get engaged.

love you guys. sorry to be so cheesy.


Friday, February 11, 2005

Target revisited... 

target, i am sorry we fought. i take it all back. i went to one of your stores today and fell in love again. i got many cute things from you, some things on sale that i normally wouldn't have been able to get if they were full price. you DO have a good boxer and boxer brief selection for the men, and lots of undies for women. i will have a couple cute things to wear on casual days and a couple cute things to dress up for work. so yay for you, my little target.

i could have sworn i had something else to say, but now i don't remember. i'll get back to you if i do. but for now...



does anybody know what the stats are for adoption? i was just realizing that i know quite a few people who were adopted. in my life i would have to guess the rate is maybe 20% or so. and those are people who have said they were adopted, even more could be and it just never came up in conversation. anyway, i was just curious if i happen to know more than most or if the rate actually is kind of high. it was never something that i thought was a really common occurrence, but maybe it is.



this may be a biased opinion, but i think even worse than being single on valentine's day is having somebody and still not being appreciated. i hope to goodness that i don't fall into that category this year, but the pre-game talk sounds like it could be a possibility. let's hope for the best, though.

to all the single people: live it up, have fun with the day, pamper yourself or whatever will remind you that you are incredible. because you don't need another person to be complete. and now i'll stop sounding like a cross between bridget jones and a young teen novel by judy blume or some such author.



the last couple of days have felt like blah. and yesterday i felt like blah. i was a little afraid that i might be getting sick. i felt fine, none of that creeping illness feeling, but i was freezing all day. so i was worried that i had a fever and the grossness would hit me momentarily. i'm ok though. i just feel, i don't know.

sometimes i wonder what a therapist would tell me about my relationship with mayhem. you know, if they would take one look at it, at us, and say "abort! get out while you still can!" or if they would see what we see that has convinced us to stick with it through all the bad. i wrote something about our relationship last night and saved it just for myself. i thought about sending it to mayhem, and i still might, but so far i'm not. basically, the kicker is that despite all the issues and problems we may have and all the frustrations that they cause, he is still who i turn to when the going gets tough. well, unless it's tough because of him, and then i stand on my own.

anyway, i don't know where i'm going with any of this. i guess i just kind of feel in a funk.


Thursday, February 10, 2005

Hurtful comments... 

have any of you ever been in a conversation when somebody says something, merely as an observation or opinion, but doesn't realize that it is personal? it's complicated to explain, but most of you probably have been there. like somebody makes a comment about death without realizing you just lost somebody you loved. or they say something about your profession or the profession of your parents (a good example would be if they made an off-handed comment about how all ministers' daughters turn out bad without knowing that you're actually a minister's daughter yourself).

maybe it's just me and the life i've had, but isn't all that uncommon for me. it's happened 3 times in the past couple weeks with 3 different things. i generally don't get upset about it because i know that they didn't mean it. if they knew and were being insensitive or mean, then that's another issue. but i generally don't socialize with people who want to be hateful toward me. anyway, just wondering if this happens to anybody else.

p.s. my bank offers web-based turbo tax accounts for free to their members. how cool is that?!


Hot? or not... 

ok people, be honest. how many of you did the "hotornot" site back in the day? do any of you still use it? (if you do, i may have to call you a nerd. unless you have overwhelming evidence that i should retract that statement.)


I can't believe it... 

i never thought i would live to see the day when i was disappointed by target. i checked their website to preview some items before i had to go there to shop. i was not happy with what i saw. first, i checked their jeans because i had heard that they had a great selection. number of jean options? 3. next i check out their panty and cami selections. i wanted to get a sexy camisole/corset type top that i could wear with a jacket and jeans when we went out for valentines day, but could then look drop dead gorgeous after we got back home and i took off the jacket and let his mind wander. no options. NOTHING! from the store that just 6 months or so ago i had raved offered a wide selection of sexy little things. at least they still had the mesh undies. but when you click to see thongs, they say nothing matched that search. ouch. for the less industrious surfer who just sees that and leaves, there is some serious business lost. when you look under the mesh option, there are several thongs. they just don't have them listed correctly or something.

and i checked to see what kind of underwear options they had for guys. nothing was listed. it wasn't until i opened up "shorts" (which were true wear outside shorts, not boxer shorts) that a hidden little option for "underwear and socks" appeared. saddest thing of all... there were 5 options, and 3 were for athletic socks. it would appear that men cannot buy any dress socks or any boxers at target. the underwear they did have were packs of briefs and boxer briefs. and the boxer briefs looked kind of gross. a dingy grey and both the same color. maybe it's just a girl thing, or the old boxer mentality, but i want some variety. i see a pair of undies two days in a row that look identical, and i assume it's the same pair.

target, my love, work on this. you're losing your touch. you are slipping from your status as the beloved store. i do not know a soul who doesn't enjoy your trendy, cute, and affordable things mixed with the practical. but if you are letting the FCC, the conservative trends, and whatever evil influences turn you into a store for 80-year-old prudes, then i will have to find a new store. this makes me sad. so just shape up before i have to retire you. thanks.

i'll report back when i go to target next on whether the actual store is as bad as the site was.



i guess i better clarify something...

the reason the pants thing bothered me yesterday was because i don't want to have to buy new pants. not because i fear i may have gained weight or anything like that. if you knew how little i am, you would understand that this isn't a problem. but because i'm little with long legs. finding pants that fit all over is literally hell on earth. i searched for 3 years to find a pair of khakis that fit. and then i had to pay twice as much as i was hoping to have to pay. generally, if the waist fits, they high water. if the length is right, the butt looks weird. and if the butt fits correctly, the front section is a little too short and constraining. then after all of that, you have to find a pair that doesn't gap at the back when you sit, rudely flashing your undies to all your coworkers. i hate hate HATE having to find pants. and that's just dress pants... i already need to find a couple new pairs of jeans because the ones i wear now are definitely wearing out and fading fast.

this is why i complained. when i re-read that this morning i realized that i never mentioned the reason. so there you go.


Wednesday, February 09, 2005


i don't know that i could be a 911 or even onstar operator. maybe even more so with onstar... they're always offering to stay on the line with people who have just gotten in a wreck until somebody else arrives. what do you talk about with them? do you keep asking them how they're doing? do you tell them dirty jokes from an onstar authorized joke book that you keep at the desk at all times? do you sit there in silence unless they ask you something? do you read the paper, but read it aloud so you can catch them up to speed as well? hmmm....

and that would be so hard. you KNOW going into work that EVERY DAY will be filled with horrible disaster. i mean, that is what your job is! that's gotta be hard.


Hair color... 

it's interesting... i have always had a thing for brunettes. and yet what is mayhem? a blonde.

i'm a brunette and have considered playing with that... trying blonde, trying a darker brunette, and definitely a full on redhead. i'm also curious how mayhem would look with a different color. how would he look with platinum hair? or as a brunette?

anyway, just something interesting to consider. i don't want to color my hair... i have tons of natural highlights and am kind of a brunette-blonde-redhead. i'm afraid to lose that. one of these days i may buy some of that one day wash on/wash off stuff, but i've heard horror stories about that too. more that it rubs off on clothing and so forth.


dish on your hair preferences, weaknesses, hair colors, and secret hair color you haven't seen in years. any and everything.

p.s. oh, i nearly forgot. if a man wears baldness well, that can look hot too. i NEVER would have thought that i could become one of those women who saw something in bald men. and by and large i'm still not. but some guys who are going bald and shave down to fuzz can look good. and some guys who go straight up mr clean can also look good. and then there's the fat bald man with the hygiene problem.... not hot. just to clarify.


I don't get it... 

ok, so last night i stripped down to take a shower and took a double take at my reflection in the mirror. my flat stomach was no longer just flat... it was toned! not like ripped, but there was certainly some definition. i went into the shower elated. i was all set to promote pilates to everyone out there.

well this morning i was not so happy with it. because i was sore, right? wrong. because i tried on two pairs of dress pants and neither damn pair fit like they had 2 weeks before. i don't get it. is it because i'm creating some seriously fat muscles that are bigger than whatever had been there? did i sleep walk and gorge on chocolate and lard? i just don't understand. i'm not ready to swear off pilates yet because i do think it's helping tone my tight little body, but i will not be happy if this trend continues.

so for now, this strange occurrence has been named the latest punk ass bitch.


Tuesday, February 08, 2005

Fat tuesday... 

but did i get shit faced and nekkid? no.

am i seriously disappointed? yes.

i don't have much to say today. i struggled to wake up this morning. i went to work and i came back from work. yadda yadda. i just realized that with mardi gras being so early this year, i bet there are many cold hard nipples standing up to say hello. i swear i kept the mardi gras comments to a minimum at work today.

does the lexus commercial bother anybody else? a little girl is playing hide and go seek, runs in between parked cars, nearly gets run over, a guy picks her up, and she's gone... before the other chick who is trying to seek her can find her. ok first of all, that is not allowed in typical hide and go seek rules. you have to stay within the playing area. second of all, who is the creepy guy who nearly ran over her? if he's the dad, then why isn't he screaming at her that she shouldn't be playing in a parking lot? or telling her that she's lucky her daddy is super rich and can afford the nice car with the back up alert, but the scummy "impoverished" parents of her classmates aren't as lucky and won't know to watch out for her because they don't have a cutting edge car.

rock, the fortune cookie gods want us to be together. i swear to you, this was my fortune from the last stolen cookie: ":-) You and your wife will be happy in your life together :-)" pretty freaky, huh?! if you're going to be the wife, then do i need to look for a flattering tuxedo outfit for the wedding, or do i still get to wear the dress?


Monday, February 07, 2005

Mardi gras... 

every year around fat tuesday i get sad. i want to be at mardi gras. you know those horrible bumper stickers about "i'd rather be..." for fly fishing and so forth. mine would be that "i'd rather be at mardi gras." mayhem and i have considered moving to new orleans on several occassions. and we probably would if there weren't so many drawbacks... flood issues, hurricane issues, pretty bad crime issues, horrible humidity, high cost of living for the decent areas, etc. and we know it would be a temporary home. we have considered moving there as newlyweds and living it up for a couple years. then when we got serious with things (especially if we decided that kids were a possibility... like in a decade or so), we would move again. we got to visit new orleans once, but it was a very quick trip and we definitely did not see enough. it just left me wanting more. especially since every other person we told about the trip who had been there (even middle aged women) were upset with us. we didn't get crepe whatevers from this specific restaurant. we didn't go to whatever famous something or other. and on and on. we did pretty good for the time we had... bourbon street, garden district, trolley ride, etc. but it wasn't enough. and definitely not fair that i still have not gotten to go to mardi gras. so there you have it. of course now if i move when my lease is up, everyone will be speculating that i went to nawlins. and maybe i will.... the next time i have money to take a real trip, i think it will have to be a beach/new orleans combo. unless of course i move there...

and to the chinese restaurant i visited recently: why the hell are all of your fortunes focused on business achievements? when i am eating stolen fortune cookies for dessert, i do not want to be reminded about work. you piss me off. almost enough to stop stealing all the fortune cookies i can grab. almost... awww, who am i kidding. if i ever catch you with an unopened bag of them, waiting to dispense them in small amounts to paying patrons, i'll grab those suckers faster than you can blink. but i will not appreciate the fortunes. just the cookie part. i'm glad we've cleared that up...



i'm double timing my leftovers. i'm burning my candle from both ends. and i'm going to get burned. i have pasta leftovers for at least another day. i have chinese leftovers for at least another day, too. but i'm not sure how much longer either will last. pasta is older, so i should have it tomorrow night. but i'm not positive if it will still be good tomorrow, and i'm worried that giving tomorrow to the pasta may make the chinese not so good the day after. i should never two-time, even my leftovers. it's bad news, baby... bad news.

in other news, i tried to insulate my door. didn't work too well. not sure if it will make things better or worse. but either way it's just going to be a temporary fix. i'm still going to need to buy different insulation. and i may do my windows, but i'm not exactly sure how or where to put it, so i will leave that to mayhem if he will ever do it. translation: my windows will never get insulated. i'm curious if my energy bill will be any better or not. i would really love to buy either curtains or fabric to create curtains, but i'm worried that it may cost more than the energy bill especially if i end up not renewing my lease here. see, this is part of why i hate not having security and hate moving every year.

in other news, i think i may get mayhem a couple boxer briefs as part of his V day gift. rock's been talking them up so i figure it wouldn't hurt to throw them into the boxer mix. if they're hideous then i will have to ensure that the washer or dryer eats them, which can be arranged. but i'm going to be open minded. now as for the rest of the gift.... any ideas? i bought a card today at the store. but i need something more. anyway, thanks in advance.

now i better clean up the kitchen and prepare for rock's visit......



it's interesting that the hospital in which the pope is staying looks like something that we would have shut down in the US.

i need advice from those of you who have had to care for fireplaces longer than me. i scoured and cleaned the fireplace a couple weeks ago, and yet when i sit near there i can still smell it. ash, soot, dirt, it just smells dirty... i'm sure i'm inhaling some nasty black ash or something from it. at least it feels that way. so if any of you have any advice on getting rid of the smell... i've cleaned out all the loose stuff that i can and it looks really clean. it's just this smell. so any advice is appreciated.


Boxer briefs... 

Boxer briefs... good or bad? Discuss.



Sunday, February 06, 2005

A little more... 

two things, a question and a commentary:
1) can i be bitchy? i have never really considered myself to be bitchy, but i know from time to time that i can think some bitchy thoughts when somebody pushes my buttons. i generally keep them to myself, but i'm sure i've slipped before. just curious if anybody thinks it's crossed the line.

2) so i have wondered off and on if mayhem had a little crush on the chick (friend's girlfriend) who hates me. now that she has revealed herself as a bitch extraordinaire and a V-hater, i don't think he likes her... in fact, he tends to bitch about her and is rooting for a break up. he may be a little jealous that she's the type who spends her days barefoot and cooking as the kitchen bitch for her boyfriend and his roommate. that will never happen with me, and for the most part he doesn't want me to be that way, but i wonder if a little part of him would like to come home to me whipping up something in the kitchen just because he's the man of the house. if he really wanted or expected that he would not be with me and knows it, which is why i say it's a tiny bit of jealousy. but anyway.... mayhem is the one who brought her into all of our lives, unfortunately. when he first met her, he was very excited and thought she was cute and fun to talk with. he talked through a seminar with her and immediately talked about needing to set her up with one of our guy friends because she was worthy. of course, then came the 180, the hatred, the bitching, the incessant fighting with her boy, lies about me, avoiding me, unofficially living in anybody else's house but her own, and even giving mayhem and the boyfriend's roommate shit for whatever just because she was feeling moody. i knew that mayhem didn't have a crush on her currently and even disliked her and all the shit and drama she caused, but i was just curious about when he first met her. he swore up and down that he never had a crush on her, but the signs pointed elsewhere. i don't care, but i am a little curious if he is just embarrassed to have had a crush on her or if he truly didn't. thoughts or guesses on the matter are welcome...



what a strange trip it has been. even though there was no trip. just these past couple days have been bizarre.

i ran some errands that needed to be completed. although the essential stuff (aka food) is still at the store waiting to be bought. mostly, i just accompanied a friend to the store because we needed to spend some time together and it wasn't going to happen any other way. i also ate out with mayhem. and it was strange. in some ways we were being that annoying couple who you know is sharing secrets and talking about you, but then we were acting platonic in other ways. i really don't know how to explain it because i don't understand it myself. we met at the restaurant, but he decided he would come back to my place, so we drove back to my apartment separately. he took what is normally a longer route, but got lucky because he avoided the monstrous late-night traffic jam that i was caught in. i let him know i would be much later, so he went to the video store without me to pick up something to watch. once i got home i gave him a call to tell him to head back. no answer. called for about 20 minutes going through various scenarios in my head and each time debating if i should still call again or not. all but one scenario (that he had somehow gotten hurt and couldn't get to his phone) frustrated me. i was sure that he was talking on the phone to a friend and was just being a punk by not clicking over to tell me. when he finally did answer, he explained that he lost his phone under the seat and had spent that entire freaking 20 minutes trying to fish it out. but he was grateful that i had called several times because he could follow the sound to find the phone.

that and the traffic jam had left me frustrated. but because i was worked up, i was ready to do something. like install insulation around my doors. or hang pictures. or finish sanding my table. of course with the way i had left mayhem at the restaurant his mind was on something else entirely.

sorry to disappoint guys, but soon after we got back and had a discussion on whether or not he had a crush on a friend's girlfriend, i fell asleep. he stayed up until goodness knows when doing all kinds of crap. the hundredth time i woke up to the sound of the TV and the lights glowing in my entire place, i got up and told him to stop wasting my electricity... if you're sitting in one room you only need the lights on for that room. instead he turned everything off and opted to toss and turn and snore at ungodly decibal levels next to me. so i never really got the sleep i needed. i woke up many times during the night and tried to close his jaw, making him breathe through his nose and therefore stop snoring. instead it just woke him up, making the snoring stop for 30 seconds or so. i also woke up several times trying to cuddle with him. no luck. he claimed he had done the same thing during the night, but i don't remember that at all.

then this morning hit. started out wonderful, caught up on the cuddling we missed during the night. and then we watched a movie. it dredged up old shit. things did not end on a good note, but they didn't end at rock bottom either. i'll bet money that he will never ever want to see "little black book" ever again. even post-alzheimer's (if he gets it). it brings up two big points for relationships: once you lie, you don't really know what's the lie and what's the truth and you can't prove something is the truth by just saying it more than you said the lie. and omitting information is still betrayal. yeah, today was a doozie. but in a way it might be good. in the long run of course. he always claims that i'm his #1 priority and gives lip service to that kind of crap. but the truth is that i never have been. and i'm not necessarily saying that i should be. that's one hell of a responsibility for somebody who has a lot of shit going on in her own life. but i do deserve to be way the hell up near the top of the priority list at least. but when i am, i often feel blamed. like "well, i'm seeing you today even though i should be working on 3 other things that are due and i'll have to stay up all night to finish them in time." or "i have to find a job that will work with my school schedule and still allow me time to see you." i don't want to feel like i'm a burden, so things like that make me want to open the door and say "you're right. you are too busy for me, so finish up the semester, assess how full your plate is at that point, and we'll see if we can still work out down the road." ok, so that makes him really upset. but i don't want to be guilt-tripped. i don't want to be blamed. i don't want to be lied to or told that i'm frustrating when i point out that i really have no way of knowing if i'm being told the truth now or if i was told the truth in the past.

i realize that some of this is pretty confusing without the full details, which i don't want to share, but you get the idea. it's been a fucked up day. it hasn't been resolved yet because that will have to be done with time. there are some things that he needs to show me will be different. he needs to learn balance and show me the change. so that's where things are at right now, i guess. i'm really not in a bad mood or upset by this. i feel strangely at peace with it. hope you guys had a good weekend!

oh, and hello to UC! hope you stick around awhile.


Saturday, February 05, 2005

So sensitive... 

my nipples have been so sensitive today. and since i share way too much info as it is, i thought you should know.


Friday, February 04, 2005


so apparently i am pretty high up in a "related search" for a specific nudie site. just 2 down from playboy (i guess that's an honor?). it's weird. i would love to ask the google people how that happened.

i also have fun with all the people who search me, mostly for kinky bizarre stuff, but sometimes just for other weird things. like the people who want naked groin shots (who searches for dirty pictures by calling it the groin?!?). or people who want to see denise austin naked. or wanting to know all kinds of strange combos with a secret, like wives in showers... with a secret.

i think in each post i'm going to strategically (boobs) add dirty words to mess (dick) with those people. how long (dildo) until they (nipples) will hate me (orgasm) for it? or more importantly, (cock) until you (thong) hate me (suck) for it? just think of it as turrets (ass) of the blog.


Chocolatey goodness... 

this is dangerous, people. very dangerous. i have an entire pan of brownies and nobody else here to help me eat them. both of us can't live until tomorrow... it's either them or me, and i'm willing to go down trying. but to be honest, my money's on myself. dessert is my tummy's specialty. come here my gooey chocolatey love...



"more than 3 shakes and it's considered playing with yourself."

"is it wrong to take one last lick at the spatula even after the chocolate batter is gone?"


Beautiful surroundings... 

i love when i get caught off guard by the beauty of my apartment. the little touches. how much cleaner it looks even though it never looked dirty. the things that reflect my personality. even the unexpected... i got a set of off-white sheets a little while back because they were on sale and white can't really clash with anything. i never realized that it would look so perfect with my bedding set. and the junker coffee table that i took off my neighbor's hands is so versatile and functional, plus it looks nice. i want to give the paint a touch up, and then it will really look incredible. i think it really is the little things that matter. it's the little things that can catch your interest or make a house a home.



so how do you guys store your honey? do you squeeze it out of the bear's head? plop it out of a jar? use one of those old school jars with the little honeycomb thing where you drizzle it out?

i know this is random... i was just realizing that we used to have one of those honeycomb jars, but then we gave it up and moved to the bear. i liked that little jar. it was a groovy retro design (but probably from that actual era). it worked well until the time when fruit flies drowned themselves in it. which was probably why we stopped using it. and it was probably a bitch to clean. but when you're 7 years old, you don't really think about that kind of stuff. i wonder if my parents still have it.

oh, and i beat video games any day of the week. go vote for me on rock's site. one lucky voter will be selected at random to be shown that this fact is true and report back to the others on this once in a lifetime experience.


More about the boy... 

so i have been thinking about my bitchfest of last night. the thing with this frustration with mayhem is that it's a double edged sword. i'm the achiever of our relationship. i'm probably the reason that mayhem will be graduating. when we got together he finally realized that he had to get his shit together and fast because i wasn't going to stick with a guy who was a solid C to F student simply because he didn't try. i am what you might call an over achiever. and for some reason he liked that even though it meant he had to grow up and buckle down. i am immensely grateful that he did that. and he was probably right... if he continued to goof off we probably wouldn't still be together.

but here's the double edged sword bit: i made him this new hard-working, high achieving mayhem. and he wants to stick to it. but when i try to see him and give him a little less time for homework, he pulls the achievement card. don't i want him to continue to make good grades? don't i want him to pass and graduate? last night he told me that he had made the 4.0 club with his grades last semester. which is so fabulous. i don't want that to change. but i know that he could sacrifice something else to continue to do well AND see me. do work while you're at home instead of fucking around on the computer (i know, i shouldn't talk), watching TV, or playing video games. he needs to figure out balance. and he needs to remember that i'm too good to lose. and while i don't want to be the kind of girl who makes a boy give up his videogames and boy stuff, i do think that i am waaaaay more fun than any video game.

well anyway, i don't know where any of this was going. i'll be back later.


The official stuff...

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