Saturday, July 30, 2005

Painfully transparent... 

i'm going to attempt to be excruciatingly transparent right now. i think i deserve it, and i think all of you deserve it too.

i've always been a person who looks for more. in college, before i knew anything about blogging, i met friends through IM. i met two guys who i figured would be friends for life. they probably would have been if i hadn't slacked on the IM scene. one even tried to visit me once. sweet sweet guy, he was willing to travel thousands of miles so we could finally meet in person and hang out. he was fully aware of mayhem and not the type who would ever attempt a move to steal me away. sadly, the plans fell apart at the last minute and we never met. the other one i did get to meet. we were several hours away from each other, but by some strange coincidence of the fates we were dropped in each others' backyards on more than one occasion. we had more soulmatish conversations than i have ever had with another person, and i've had way more than my fair share of heart-to-hearts with some incredible people. i know he always secretly hoped it could be more, but he was gentlemanly enough to never cross a boundary that would jeopardize our friendship or my relationship with mayhem. yet despite it all, he still bared his soul to me and bore whatever came of it when he couldn't make me his.

when i entered the blogging scene, i met even more people who became close friends. some feel like good friends, others feel like sisters, and still others feel like relationships that could never have been. it is beautiful, sweet, poignant, and amazing. a century ago, nobody could have comprehended this kind of connection. we are strangers, yet we are entrusted with the secrets we won't tell our nearest and dearest. i feel like there is a blogger code. we protect and support each other. we know each other and yet we officially don't. it is an incredible postmodern experience.

i am a strange mixture of things that not even i can fully explain. i am very private in some ways, and yet in others i am fully transparent. i share everything, yet at the same time i hold in so much. i am wary of strangers, but fully trusting at the same time. i can be hard to love, but am inherently loveable. i will make your head spin, yet i elucidate and clarify in a way that nobody has ever done for you before. i am a confusing paradox, but at the end of the day, i wouldn't have it any other way.



so you didn't get a post yesterday. it was a weird day. stress, nerves, laughter, friends, satisfaction, guilt trips, tears, pizza, unhappiness, endings.

i can't say i know what my life holds. with the current status of things, i can't even predict what tomorrow will bring.

i wonder how much of this drama i unnecessarily inflict on myself. i grew up defending myself, and at times i think i never learned how to take down that guard for more than just a temporary occasion. after being together for over half a decade i will have periods of ease and happiness with us. yet my instinct still makes me react the same way in the heat of the moment that i have done for all of my life. i'd rather hit the eject button and parachute out of the burning plane than go down trapped inside.

it's an interesting predicament when interviewers ask those typical interview questions. they ask to know about you, but they mean that they want to know about the business you. they ask about your greatest weakness, but they mean as it pertains to my business. you both read between the lines. you end up essentially lying. my greatest weakness is that i don't want to be hurt, but i'll tell you about my greatest weakness as it would relate to you and possibly hiring me. you want to know about my greatest strength, well it would have nothing to do with the person you may one day interact with in the office. so of what you'll know and care about with me, my greatest asset is that i'm a hard worker.

if mathemeticians are right that there is a formula for everything, then the formula for my relationship must be based around x=irony and y=manic depressive changes as soon as things get too good.


Thursday, July 28, 2005

Thanks of the night... 

yay for the thankful things for tonight.

1. huge great big thank you for bloopy, super genius extroidinaire, master of the digital camera!
2. having "hooking up" on in the background. occasional bursts of it have created some lovely laughs for the evening. things like "i'm going to sleep with him tonight. i think he's expecting it." oh honey, let's go back to self-esteem 101 here. i'm very glad i don't have to go through that first dating awkwardness anymore.
3. so point #3 would have to be mayhem. despite all his pitfalls and crap and whatever else, i know he's a good guy. he's probably one of the oddest and surprising mixes of things, but it's in a wonderful fantastic way. he seems to have the maturity of a 4 year old, and yet he is as wise as an old man in some respects. rambling. but despite all the ups and downs, i'm glad to have him. and now that i have him, the awkward events of the first few dates are cute memories instead of nightmares.


Answer time... 

bloopy gets credit for the closest answer. and damn close it was.

i figured that i would get answers saying that it was puke or dog shit or something equally disgusting. sadly, it does look nasty to me, but it was my dinner.

it was thai peanut noodles. here are the preparation pictures...

i would like to suggest to the noodle company that they make the noodles smaller or add in the instructions that you break the noodles. the directions were a little lacking in the clarity department. and despite looking disgusting, it turned out decent. it had the true sign of cheap food because it started to taste better after aging and congealing a bit.

here's the chopped up picture. let me know if you have any ideas of what's wrong. thanks!

feedback time: did you guys like this game? would you be interested in a repeat performance?


Name that thing... 

ok, so don't get too alarmed quite yet, but i think my camera or my memory card may be fucked. the last couple pictures i took with it were all screwed up. one "failed" completely, and the other was chop shopped. if i had a good photo editing program i could probably piece it back together like a puzzle. it's linear cuts. even though the pic was shit, i managed to crop a little piece and salvage that for here.

so here's the deal. i'm going to post this pic and you're going to guess what in the hell it is. when i get back tomorrow i'll explain what it was and post the related pics (and the full version of the messed up pic just in case somebody can diagnose what's wrong just based on the pic).

so... name that thing!
(canned applause and cheering)


Wednesday, July 27, 2005

So typical... 

i bought healthy foods, fruits, and drinks yesterday. so ever since then, what have i been craving? sodas, chocolates, popcorn, and ice cream. figures.

i have a pair of flip flops that are cute but for some reason always make me fall (they are very thick soled and i'm guessing the sole is cheap and has an uneven spot somewhere). so following my logical streak, i decide that i should wear them today. i'll just walk carefully to avoid falling. sounds like the smart thing to do. psssh. i can be so smart sometimes.


Good lord!... 

oh good lord, i'm going to have nightmares tonight.

this "model" is 1) ugly and 2) scary! i think even internet exposure is too much for her.

*shudders* ew... just... ew.


Little fiends... 

i started a post but came up with nothing more than the delete button. so we'll post pictures instead. i apologize in advance for some of the pics being fuzzy. as i explained earlier, my camera does great on close ups if you stand far away and zoom in, but being closer it just won't focus. so i did my best and know to stand far away the next time i do close ups of anything.

oh, and i figured out a VERY cool idea last night if i ever decide to publish a blook, as tony calls them. i will keep that idea in the back of my mind in case i ever decide to do a book, which right now is reserved as an idea for the future. but it's a slight possibility.

until you have a book by me, though, here are pictures of an incredibly adorable book i discovered a few years ago. it's a kids book, but the pictures are so cute that i bought it for that reason.

the book is called five little fiends and is written and illustrated by sarah dyer. all credit goes to her.

(the fiend who stole the sea was obviously my favorite, looking back on these pictures!)


Tuesday, July 26, 2005


to all of my friends: please know that if i have somehow offended any of you, then i deeply apologize. all of my friends seem to have disappeared on me simultaneously, which has left me questioning myself. have i somehow done something wrong? did i somehow offend any or all of them? is this just a bizarre coincidence and everything is copacetic? if i have upset any of you, then i am truly sorry. please contact me and talk to me about it. i would never want to hurt our friendship.


Always on my mind... 

kind of a fitting title really. similar to "georgia on my mind" which relates to point one. always on my mind relates to something i have been thinking about frequently.

so on to point one. it seems like southern women are known for being sweet, adorable, loving women. yet as mothers, they seem to be known for stressing the importance of keeping up appearances, abiding by the social order and miss manners, and even being strict and emotionally distant ("dont cry" or "go away, mommy's talking to friends now"). how does that change happen?

now for point two. but we'll just gloss over it because i now think i've covered it before. here's a little recap though. it just seems like some people jump into marriage without much thought. i know some people who have been together for years and who really know each other. that's fantastic. even if they elope, they still aren't really jumping into it because they have thought about all the big issues for years now. however, i tend to worry about the people i know who impetuously make those huge decisions with a partner they have only known for a brief period of time. especially if these relationships are tumultous or hot/cold/hot/cold. sure i have times where i wish i could stop waiting and just be married already, but i just don't think i could be married to somebody i've known for just a matter of months. i have friends who i've known for over a decade, and we still have times of discovery where we peel away another layer and discover something about each other that we didn't know. so this isn't really something that's always on my mind or keeps me up at night. i'm just protective of my friends and always hope for the best for them. i never want to see any of them get hurt, even just for a moment. it works out for some people, so i hope all the people i know get lucky.


Blessed upbringing... 

sure we all have our battle scars and horror stories from growing up in our family. we probably all thing our family is nuts on some level and believe that some of our weirder tendencies should be blamed on our parents. but we learned some good stuff from them, too. here are some of the things that i am grateful to have learned from good ol' mom and dad.
  • i am thankful that they never raised me to believe that my self-worth was contingent on my job or social status.
  • i am glad that they encouraged me to think for myself.
  • they also, to a limited degree, supported freedom of expression (within their acceptable boundaries and without being disrespectful in any way).
  • they stressed intellectual pursuits and showed me the value of education and lifelong learning.
  • they demonstrated their love of music, which in turn, helped me develop my own passion for music, albeit very different from theirs.
  • they raised us in a family that valued religion, but was not in any way fanatical. my mom was strangely protective about it and constantly monitored that nobody was trying to convert us to a fanatical or conservative denomination. they also demonstrated that it is important in a relationship to allow both partners to have their religious beliefs validated.
  • they showed me that it is important to stand firmly behind your beliefs and back up those feelings with actions (volunteer, participate, etc).
  • i am very glad that they are fairly money savvy and know how to do quite a bit with not that much. this is a skill that mayhem and i have already decided we will be learning from them, and unabashedly begging them to teach us. he needs to unlearn all the horrible money lessons of his parents, and we both want to be more like my parents in that regard.
  • similarly, i am grateful that they brought me up eating healthy and never allowed us to gorge on junk food. although junk food is still one of my weaknesses, i also appreciate healthy food and try to eat well.
  • i am thankful that they showed me a positive example of a loving relationship, one that, despite its faults and quirks, is a good model for mayhem and i to follow.
  • i am also very grateful to my aunt and uncle for being ideal role models for mayhem and i. i swear to you that they must still be as in love, if not more in love, today as they were the day they got married. potentially sickening to the envious, but so lovely and magnificent for them. if i could choose to be like any one couple in the world, i think it would be them... and if i turned out like my aunt, i would be ok with that too.

ok, well there is a brief little list of the best things. do you guys think of anything you are especially thankful to have learned from your family?


Monday, July 25, 2005


have you ever really thought about your laugh? it's something special and unique that is unchangeable within you, and yet many people never give it a second thought. i never did until a friend mentioned that it was her favorite characteristic. i started trying to conjure a memory of her laugh and realized that i couldn't. i could barely even remember what my own laugh was like, and couldn't distinctly remember mayhem's. maybe i'm just particularly bad about that, but when i asked mayhem about it he said he had the same problem.

so how would you describe your laugh? do you snort or giggle? is your laugh audible or silent? of what does it remind you (or somebody else)?

after considering this question, i decided that i could best describe my laugh as being like bubbles. not a bubbly laugh, but the laugh reminds me of bubbles bursting onto the surface. like just after you pour champagne and the bubbles make their ascent to the surface and spring to life.

what is your laugh like?


Nicole richie... 

there's something i just don't understand about nicole richie. (all in unison now, "why the hell are you wasting valuable brain cells thinking about nicol richie?!?!")

so from what i understood when she was briefly a hot it girl riding on paris hilton's coat tails with the simple life stuff, she was adopted by lionel richie. yes, most people know that. but the story i heard was basically that she was the daughter of a roadie or another member of lionel's crew. her parents were on tour with him and had young nicole (toddler age or a little older) with them. lionel richie and his wife just fell in love with her and basically asked if they could take this couple's child and adopt her as their own. and the parents agreed. wtf?! that's wrong in so many ways in my mind that i know there must be a lot more to the story.

i mean, i hear of celebrities feeling like they're entitled, but this goes way too far!

if you just happen to know the full story or have a link to it (and you know that it's accurate and not just hear say) then let me know. i'd love to put this incongruency to bed and let my mind wander to more important mysteries of the world.


Saturday, July 23, 2005

Funny dream... 

this may have been one of the funniest dreams i have had in ages. i swear i must have started laughing in my sleep. i can't remember everything about it, but what i remember of it is still funny enough. but just to remind you, there is a lovely picture right below this post.

so in my dream, the girl who hates me and i were sitting in a diner with two of her friends. we were all talking and her friends were including me as a normal person (aka, as though they didn't know this chick hated me). one of them brought up something quirky that this girl does, and i threw in my two cents, basically just saying that it was stupid to put on an act or something equally logical yet not really easy to hear. around that time, the girl asked me if i could go outside with her to talk in private. i get a big knot in my stomach and agree. so we sit at a picnic table right outside the diner, and she starts out the serious conversation. essentially something like "there's something you need to know about me before you start jumping to conclusions and giving me advice." (i know you are doubting the funny-ness, but bear with me.) i am still bracing myself for the worst and feeling every part of my stomach churn itself around. she launches into this spiel about how she has to lie about her life and nobody really knows the truth and something about her parents being lies (i think it was maybe that her parents had divorced and the parents she claimed were hers were really a parent + stepparent but she made everyone believe it was her original parents and refused to tell even her fiance the truth). then she cocked her head to one side like will farrell when he gets the "can i really get away with this" look, and busts out, in will farrell's voice, "swing looooooooooooooooooow, sweet chaaaaaaaaaarriot......" with arm motions and everything. i kid you not. dead serious. at this point i woke up laughing. fucking hilarious, brain. i give that dream two thumbs up.

don't forget to check out the picture. this post was brought to you by the words "shameless self-promotion."


Friday, July 22, 2005



Thank you... 

thanks to everyone for your concern yesterday. it was just a crappy, horrible day where a lot of bad things that have happened lately all came to a head. i just kind of fell apart with all of it, and allowed myself to have a wallowing pity party to cope with it. i'm doing better now and am trying to make something good happen to offset all the bad.

this weekend will probably be fairly busy with little time for posting, so i'm going to go ahead and post one of my favorite pictures from my insane picture snapping day even though few people seem to read blogs on fridays. it will be in the post above this. have a good weekend in case i don't write until next week!


Thursday, July 21, 2005

Bad bad bad... 

this. is. not. a. good. day.

no, i cannot talk about it right now.


Wednesday, July 20, 2005

On fire... 

hot damn. i took 86 pictures today just snapping any random thing. for maybe 20 minutes total throughout the day. 20 minutes with V, as told in lots of random pics.

here's my little issue with my camera. it's lovely and nice and can take some exquisite shots. but when you try to do close ups from a close distance, it won't focus the shot and turns out blurry. so you'll have to deal with quite a bit of that. sorry in advance. i guess i need to stand way back and zoom all of it since my camera is stand offish.

can't post them tonight, so enjoy all the stuff i wrote since you left your computer earlier in the day. when i get back tomorrow afternoon i'll start posting pics. gotta get up early, so i gotta go to bed early. until tomorrow loves...



so i probably shouldn't admit this, but i did a very stupid thing last night. i was hanging out with a few friends and for some reason one of them jokingly said "hey, show me your underwear!" in a really cheesy hick accent. since we were at my place, i hadn't put on a bra before they came over, so without thinking i just said "i'm not wearing any!" and lifted my shirt aaaaaaaalmost too high before realizing what i was doing. bottom boobie was exposed, but no nipple slip.

why is it the nipple that makes the difference between racy and fully exposed?

so nevertheless, that was extremely embarrassing. i'm sure that a nickname may follow from this. i guess i kind of deserve it if i could be so absent-minded as to forget that i needed to stay covered. ha! anyway, there's my embarrassing moment of yesterday. i am so brilliant...


Chip TV... 

so today was kind of a crappy day. ok, i shouldn't say that because it wasn't all bad. so it was a rollercoaster day. but i shopped while in the bad part of the day, so i bought a lot of junk food. even though things are better now, i have the option of junk and more junk for dinner. so i'm eating chips straight out of a large bag of chips. in my defense, i actually looked or a small little bag of the ones i wanted, but i couldn't find it. so i was really forced to upsize my chippie choice.

as i sat there eating chip after chip, i realized that to really do it up right i needed to be watching mindless TV as i chomped away on my chips. i like to call wednesday the big day of nothing good on TV, so i had to refer to the TV guide for something semi-worthy of my brain cells.

as i passed a shopping channel listing, i saw a show called "trim a tree." i didn't know what channel it was, so my mind immediately went south. straight to the gutter. i was thinking "what the hell kind of show is this? is it called a tree because it's in worse shape than the other nickname of bush?" so i look back at the station and realize it's a shopping channel and they are doing a christmas in july kind of thing. oooooooooooooh, ok. makes way more sense.

so because i know you care, i finally settled onto brat camp. yes, nothing like seeing the brattiest of the brats whine in the great outdoors. in situations to bring out the whining. with a dorky narrator. yes. classy TV. perfect for eating crap chips.

and finally... the good news. i have pictures that i hope are worth posting. unless they are completely fuzzy and irrecognizable, i will post them even if they aren't all that great. if you have an input for the infinite abyss project, let me know. i'll probably start representing the answers via photography next week, and will post them when i have the pics.


Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Masterpiece line up... 

have you ever wondered what it must feel like to be part of a police line up? how exactly does that work, anyway? do they all have to be suspects? do they just pull people off the street who look similar to the suspected criminal? it must really suck if you had an evil twin who was committing all kinds of heinous crimes without telling you, and they disappeared right after the crime. i bet you would get picked up a lot as "the guy" when it was really your sleezy twin who let you take the bad rap.

i want to do something cool. but instead i laze around like a bum. one of these days i swear that i'm going to create a masterpiece. i don't know if it will be on a canvas or a photograph or a song or what, but it's a goal i plan to achieve. sometimes when i can't feasibly really do it, i think about it and how much i want to do it. like right now. i don't have a canvas or paints with me. i don't have anything photograph-worthy here. i don't have any way to create music (other than to sing to myself). but i think about how that's what i'd rather be doing right now.

i suppose i could write a book. i've tried before, but always seem to lose focus. i think a diary style book is my best chance. i like them. so we'll see. i could one day just print off a few years worth of blog entries and slap a cover on them, but i want to offer more than that. only time will tell....


Give me answers... 

i had some very messed up dreams last night. i started to write them down, but then i got distracted by other things and when i got back to the computer i had lost them. they were so weird, though, that i almost wonder if i could have has a fever last night and been hallucinating. of course i didn't, but they freaked me out and as you all know, i have some pretty messed up dreams.

so other than that... i feel boring. i can't really think of anything exciting to share. i talked to mayhem last night and he couldn't come over, as usual. his mom seems to be realizing that she should stop trying to keep us apart (geographically/distance-wise) because it will only make things much harder when we get married.

i have several things to do today and i don't want to do any of it. correction: i don't want to do any of it by myself. i'm feeling antsy.

i want more responses to my earlier question. i was serious that i may try to do photographic representations of the answers. but that will be lame if i only have 3 pictures.
what would you find if you explored your infinite abyss?

thanks for your answers!


Monday, July 18, 2005


what a weird, freaky coincidence. just the other night i wondered to myself if anybody knew what nail polish remover really smelled like without the bittering agent. that led to me wondering why they didn't add it to antifreeze since pets and kids drink it and die because it's sweet. so today on the news i see that it just dawned on somebody else and now they're lobbying for it. (to me it seems like a simple change that could be made without tying up the legislative process, but whatever.) what a strange coincidence. i think somebody must be combing through my thoughts at night.


Infinite abyss... 

i got to thinking about the infinite abyss last night. which of course gave me the warm fuzzies of thinking about garden state.

picture for a moment what i was pondering. what if we all had our own infinite abyss? what would you find when you explored yours?

i decided that if i ever explored my infinite abyss i would find all my lost trains of thought, all my lost conversations, all the things i started to say and never got to finish because somebody cut me off and never let me finish what i was saying. i hate when that happens, and yet i know people who are serial interrupters. most of them are in respectable positions where i can't just say "let me finish, buddy!!"and continue on. so anyway, i think that's what you would find if you explored my infinite abyss.

what would you find in yours?

p.s. i fell in love with this idea, and i think it's such a cool thought to ponder. i bet it could make a cool photojournalism piece, too. i may have to explore that. so give me your ideas!


Sick cycle carousel... 

V was bad this weekend. she didn't post all weekend. bad V, bad!

now that my punishment is over, i'll update.

the weekend was fairly good, except for having more fights than normal with mayhem. the last day of it was pretty nice, though. there are a few things that mayhem still needs to learn after all these years. like he needs a little updated V manual to keep him up to speed. little reminders of such important things as:
1) feed her within 5 minutes of her saying "oh god i'm so hungry i think i'm going to be sick."
2) do not leave her unattended with mayhem's parental units for more than 15 minutes at a time unless an emergency requires such an absence.
3) let her finish her train of thought. not getting to finish what she was saying may be pet peeve #1 and this model is trained to unleash terrible consequences for such actions.
4) never, even jokingly, act condescending to V.
5) always listen to V. always.
6) show emotion. V is an emotional being and responds better to emotion than to flat responses. "yeah, that's fine" is not an excited response and will not be interpreted as one by V.

just the really important things need to be included. a relationship has to have some spice to it, but after this many years, he needs to have cemented a few of those things into his brain. it seems to me that we fight a lot, but if you categorize them, there are a very few number of things that we fight about. occassionally #1, definitely numbers 3 and 5, and #6 with some frequency. if all the others were resolved, i could even live without #2, but i would have to be rescued somewhere down the road, and #4 has become much more infrequent now that there are some painful consequences inflicted when he jokingly does something to me.

*this post was brought to you by the third person and bob dole.


Friday, July 15, 2005


i got my first birthday card today. it was from the bank that is financing my student loan. so nice of them, they said that in honor of my birthday they were going to pay down my student loan for me so i was free to spend my money on other things.

hahahahahahhahahahahahahaa, yeah right. it said "thanks for giving us all your money, bitch! hope you can spare 50 cents to buy yourself a party hat."


Strange suburbia... 

oh yes, one other strange event from last night, my night in suburbia. it was about 2am, and i was starting to head for bed when i heard the next door neighbor.... mowing the lawn. this is apparently the week for stupid lawnmower tricks. first the dude cutting his grass in the rain. another one i didn't mention who woke me up at like 6:30am cutting the grass right outside my bedroom window at the apartment. and now this dude, cutting his grass at 2am. you guys really are freaks. and not in a good way, either.


Night of 1000 dreams... 

i had so many strange dreams last night that i can't even begin to remember all of them. like there was an amusing one involving mayhem and i trying to get something from a store where somebody kept messing with mayhem's mind. it was pretty funny at the time, but i woke up not remembering what happened. so i'll tell you about the two i do remember.

the first one was situational because i spent the night at a family friend's house and they have two pets. this dream was invoked by pets #1 and 2 getting on the bed where i was sleeping and freaking me out. in my dream, i hear something that sounds like barfing or at least hacking prior to barfing. i was with mayhem in this dream, and finally he says something to me about an animal puking. so i wake up and see that pet #1 is voraciously licking its balls on the bed near my knee. i figure i heard that and it wasn't going to barf so i flop down on the bed and am promptly out again. just a few seconds later, pet#2 gets right up in my face (maybe it saw me move and figured i wanted to play or something, i don't know). so pet #2 is right there in my face and getting ready to make the very painful step onto my breastbone. (it had done this before i fell asleep and i thought i was going to hear a bone crack.) in my dream, mayhem again warned me about the puke, saying something along the lines of "ewww, it's going to throw up on your face!!!" in real life i bolted straight up in bed, pet #2 freaked out and bolted out of the room as well, and pet #1 looked up from its balls like i was crazy. bait and switch. the problem with having two pets. so for peace of mind, i let my eyes adjust a little and looked at the bed where the pet was to see if there was any barf. then i fell back into the bed and fell asleep once more.

the second dream was my typical strange type. i was with a group of people about my age, and we were asked to make this video. for some reason, i think i remember that we were all playing the parts of various fruits. at any rate, some guy videotaped the whole thing to produce it, and then we were all invited to watch our work. he pulled out these microscopic little TVs and laid two or three of them on the floor so we could all huddle around. three of us were watching on the one in the corner, and we had all flopped down on the carpet to watch. one girl stretched out along the windowsill so she could look straight down at it, and this guy and i snuggled up together to watch. two bodies outstretched, cuddled and huddled up together, on the surface it was so that we could see the tiny screen, but we were oblivious to everyone else around us. this guy in my dreams was a guy i knew and absolutely adored for being so incredibly cute back from my high school years. i had always secretly wanted to hug and kiss and cuddle him and thought he was just the cutest boy ever. sadly, at that point, as most of my dreams do, all of it morphed into something different. the boy and i were the only ones who morphed on while everyone else just disappeared. we were now at a camp ground with a serious gopher problem and a car that got stuck as a result of some massive gopher holes. we were there with my family and relatives. the saddest thing to change is that my cute boy changed into somebody who my relatives originally knew through my grandmother and who was a family friend. he was still cute, but it wasn't the same fantasy come true kind of thing. we continued to act like the couple that we had established when he was the other guy, but this guy was goofier. he liked to embarrass me in front of my relatives by imitating strange sexual movements (all by himself) in the background until somebody stopped their conversation and noticed him. my extended family was working on the gopher situation while he and i found a perch not too far away where we could sit together and act all cute and couply. at one point he said something about how we shouldn't be acting like we like each other because i had a boyfriend. so of course in my dream, i did the sleezy thing and told him not to worry about that. from time to time we hopped down from our perch and checked in with the relatives on how they were doing with the gophers. i kept seeing all these fluffy white things that looked more like a mink/ferret mix jumping through the gopher tunnels and asked my uncle what he was going to do with them. he didn't know. we watched these fluffy things for a while with my relatives before we grew bored. at that point, though, we discovered that we were handcuffed together. i don't claim to know how it happened, but we were handcuffed and retreated back to our little perch. although i liked that guy a lot too, i didn't adore him quite as much as the guy before the morphing. that's all i remember from the dream. strange but it had its cute moments.


Thursday, July 14, 2005


every night for an extended period of time, somebody next door kills and mutilates two yappy dogs. seriously, these dogs sound like they are being killed and they will not shut up. if it were free, i would abduct the dogs under night cover and replace them with those barkless dogs. then i would enjoy my evenings and the lovely silent benefit of my dastardly plan.

unrelated poll: what kind of pictures would you like me to share? krista hath inspired me to blow the dust off my old camera and consider pleasing my readers. (that sounded dirty.) priority will be given to pictures i can post easily or to the bloggers i respect the most. aka, suggest anything, especially since nobody knows who my favorites are and what the easiest pictures are for me to take. if you're going to have hurt feelings if i don't post a pic you requested, though, then don't ask for it.


Toe fetish site... 

wow, you never know where you'll end up on the net. i discovered a minute ago that i am listed on some kind of toe fetish site as having cute toes. that's a very weird kind of creepy honor that i certainly never expected. i guess if i never find an honest job, i could always offer my toes up to the soft fetish porn industry. yep, yet another thing i never should have said. i gotta keep my mouth shut today.


Made some science... 

so why do my linky buds get little blog stickers saying "i made some science" for filling out the MIT blog survey when i didn't? i was one of the few who was emailed specifically about it, and i was never offered a cute little linky button. i guess i should stop whining, though, because i may or may not have taken the time to alter my template to add in the button. but just as another reminder, i did make some science last month even if i have not button to prove it.

speaking of altering my template, i want to create a different background. something with a picture. no, of course it won't be of me, but of something i really like which is still to be determined since i don't even know how to do it. is it a simple process or super complicated? if it's too complicated, i'll never end up doing it. but if it's not too bad, then i'll try it once i find a picture i really like (that i think i can legally use since i "borrow" pictures i really like that aren't mine from other people for personal use as backgrounds and so forth from time to time. i've been doing that much less now, though, because so many people are figuring out how to do that annoying code to prevent you from right clicking an image. they should realize that i'm much too lazy to actually print the picture or publish it as my own. the extent of it for me is to save it in my computer as part of my photo album, especially if it is a pic of family or friends.

so just as a warning, whenever i do get engaged (which has not happened yet, to clear up rumors), i will probably make all of you nauseous talking about it. not that i want to, not that i want to be a "bridezilla," but simply because the boy and i made the mistake of discussing when we would like to get married long before it was actually feasible, and now that time is chipping away at all of our deadlines without an engagement, i'm going to be really overwhelmed getting everything done (mostly by myself or with him) to pull the thing off in time once we can actually start planning. wow what a long sentence. of course i need to wait and see what it will actually be like. we could make up a guest list and realize we only have 30 people we really want to attend, so everything becomes much simpler. we could discover that we have connections we didn't even know we had who can make life easier. bottom line, we'll have to figure it out once we can officially start looking at that stuff. i now wish i hadn't written any of that. not engaged. not planning yet. everything is still TBD (to be determined). i guess it was just on my mind lately because i had always been told that it takes about a year to plan a wedding and many venues book up 1 to 2 years in advance. well, we don't have that kind of time.

seriously, i want to purge all of that, but am restraining my delete finger. blah, there it is.


Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Pepperoni pains... 

so mayhem was supposed to come over and we were going to fix a pizza together. he crapped out on me and acted like a jerk when i told him something that was important to me. so now i'm sitting on the bed, eating pepperoni slices straight out of the package, and nursing a back spasm.

yes, i am ghetto fabulous. and my back may be trying to kill me. and mayhem may get a swift kick in the ass if he doesn't shape up and apologize soon.



people do silly things when it's either starting to rain, or it's just about to rain. since bad weather has been following me wherever i go lately, i have noted several examples. people washing their cars even as it starts to sprinkle. and when the sprinkles turn to heavy sprinkles, they still keep washing. it will turn into full blown rain in a few, so put down the hose and the suds and let the rain do what it's gonna do. now i would consider it a semi-intelligent move if the person saw it was about to rain, and ran out there with suds in hand, then left the car soapy just as it started to sprinkle. that's the lazy man's car wash. the rain washes the car, and you go out afterward and either enjoy the clean, dry it off, or drive it around until the water droplets stream off (depending on your level of laziness). this leaves me to wonder why i haven't done that before. oh yeah, because i never really wash my car. i clean the windows when i get gas sometimes, but that's about it.

another foolish thing that people do when it's about to rain is continue to mow their lawn. that's a pretty risky game in my opinion, since you're banking on getting to safety in time. you'd be pretty screwed, though, if you kept mowing away and the sky just opened up and poured on you instead of giving you some warning sprinkles first. or if the lightning preceeded the rain. either way, you're walking behind a motor that's not protected from rain, and may have to carry the sucker back inside if the ground has gotten too muddy.

some people think it's foolish to swim in the rain, but i actually have to admit that i love doing it. of course you have to watch for lightning and get out if an electrical storm starts up, but otherwise it's fun. you go underwater and when you come up, you're still in water. i don't know, it appeals to the child in me.

in other random news, since rain and lightning go together a lot of times... (watch carefully as i weave together these strings of thought.) mayhem and i discussed at one point how we'd love to try to make sea glass in that oh-so-dangerous way that they showed in sweet home alabama. i think i would be willing to consider living in a small town if it were near the beach. scratch that, i'd start packing the minute i heard the news if i could do that. have a cute little home near the beach, and my cute man with me. since a move like that is nowhere in our future ($$$), we talked about the possibility of doing that on our honeymoon, since we'd like to go somewhere tropical. on the honeymoon note, i also now understand why it is the man who is traditionally supposed to pay for the honeymoon. as we have talked of wedding plans off and on, he is always the most excited when discussing honeymoon locales. he has spent his spare time looking at different possibilities and researching possible destinations. he has talked to a couple travel agents when he's come across them and just gotten their opinions on where they'd suggest. i think men more naturally think it's fun to plan the honeymoon than the big wedding day. (see? all of this from sea glass.)


Wedding dream... 

so i think this is a bad sign. last night was my first dream ever about my wedding-to-be. in college i learned that most girls have been having those dreams for years, even if they don't have a boyfriend. i thought that seemed a little weird, but kept that to myself. so last night was my first dream regarding a wedding, and i had an anxiety attack in my dream. that's bad. i had to plan all the crap for it, and it really hit my dream self how much there was to plan and deal with. i think i was in the car on the way over to the wedding when my dream self had the anxiety attack. it was realistic enough that i woke up. so i guess i still haven't technically had a dream about my wedding. that's pretty sad to me, though. i think i'll need to recruit all my nearest and dearest to help me plan when the time comes.


Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Voodoo curse... 

i think i should go to new orleans tomorrow to get a voodoo witch doctor to clear up my karma. something is going on here. bad weather has been following me for over a week. bad news has been following me. bad things are happening to me. so i figure i should see if a witch doctor can help. plus a visit to new orleans couldn't hurt my mood.

right now i am kind of on the fence with a few things that could turn out better than the worst case scenario. so cross your fingers for me and hope that i end up with some good news soon.


Monday, July 11, 2005

Downpour easing... 

so i think i just uncovered the reason that yahoo mail has been so irritating lately. they changed the log on page, so i'm guessing they've been screwing with the site quite a bit. i hope they're almost done.

today is slightly better than yesterday. the past week has just been awful though. plus an old acquaintance has resurfaced and won't go away now. it's getting frustrating.

i have to run errands, so this is it for now, but i just thought i'd give a little update. i think i want to make a trip out to see my boy tonight. curl up on the couch and watch movies together. sounds good. hope i get to do it.


Sunday, July 10, 2005


i have been miserable lately. seems like the world has been crashing down on me and i never got a life raft. i'm not going to go into details here, but just pray for things to get better if you're of a praying persuasion, or wish if you're more of the wishing persuasion.

i would just like to crawl under the sheets, pull them over me, turn off the phone, and not interact with anyone other than mayhem for the rest of the week. he will be required to give me big bear hugs and tell me everything will be ok and that he loves me so much at least once every minute. maybe once i emerge i will feel a little less vulnerable and upset.

but of course i will still get to see mayhem only once or twice a week. i will have to face the world. i will have to continue to take the blows and beatings that are being doled out. i will have to get up every morning and live a pretend normal life. nobody will give me big bear hugs for 5 out of the 7 days of the week. nobody can keep me from what i am having to face.

positives: i still have my health, although i am almost afraid to say that for fear that i'll jinx that one last positive shred that is going in my favor.

i may not post as much as i deal with everything. we'll just have to see if any writing cares to emerge or not. no guarantees either way.


Thursday, July 07, 2005

Gas hose... 

i thought gas prices were supposed to drop after the holiday weekend. but no, they have increased considerably. ouch. yet another reason that i should cancel all my weekend plans that i'm not excited about.

pantyhose or stockings or whatever you care to call them are a strange thing. you're covering your natural legs with this artificial semi-transparent probably petroleum based synthetic material so that they look like artificial legs. it really makes no sense. why? so your legs look fake? so they appear prim and proper and covered from waist to toe and back again? it just makes no sense to me. it's not like we're still that repressed that we can't handle a naked ankle bone, and i have been requested to wear hose with a full length ball gown, so it really is doing nothing other than making me uncomfortable. i looked at my legs in hose this morning as i got ready. they reminded me more of the leg lamp on "a christmas story" than of my own legs. plasticized. anyway, i share because i know you secretly care.

after this past weekend, i have noticed that i'm clenching my jaw because i'm stressed. i need to stop.


Wednesday, July 06, 2005

Crap review... 

i was given a free ticket to see war of the worlds this weekend. even though it was free, i would still like to demand to get my 2 hours back. not a good movie. stupid. cheesy. funny (because you're laughing at the stupidity).

i heard it was fanfuckingtastic. i heard it was like a 3 hour anxiety attack. i would say it was none of the above, and not even close to it. it caused no fear, no anxiety, no awe. just bad. i would consider giving details, except some of you will still probably see for yourself how dumb the movie was, and would get mad at me for spoiling it. i will say that i concur with tony, though. see the secret to tom cruise's acting, excuse me, "acting" is that he never really has to act. he plays the cocky son of a bitch asshole that he plays in real life, so this is no display of his artistic abilities. dakota fanning acts even more annoying and bratty than usual. at one point, i told mayhem that if i wanted to hear a young child scream like a banchee i would have gone to a gymboree and announced that barney was signing autographs in the next room.

save your money.


Giving thanks... 

so i've had a pretty bad streak going for the past week or so. let's change it up by counting those little blessings that were sprinkled in between all the bad crap.

i didn't start yawning uncontrollably until after the interview. i didn't sweat profusely during said interview even though i was wearing a lined wool jacket in july. nobody plowed into me as i blocked a lane of traffic thanks to a dumbass semi driver who blocked my view of completing my left turn by pulling right next to me, leaving me a sitting duck.

um, ok, that's it. i'm sure more good things have happened, but my ADD kicked in and i just saw that this was still up, unpublished, and i have no desire to finish it. so you get this half-assed post. sorry!


Tuesday, July 05, 2005

Aw, shit... 

damnit. i just realized that i am triple booked this weekend. fantastic. how many of these things do i really truly want to do? none.

we'll see what i decide to do about this.

mayhem was an ass to me last night. did i mention that earlier? at the moment, that is greatly affecting my thoughts on this weekend. one thing is for one of mayhem's friends. one thing is for mayhem and i together. and the final thing is supposed to be a fun event for mayhem and i to attend (except it's outside in the heat of the day, which makes it sound less fun to me).

fuck. just... fuck.



i took my little nap. i set a timer so i would wake up in 30 minutes so i wouldn't sleep for hours. i heard my little computer chirp "email!" at me earlier on. then as i had gotten into that beautiful sleepy zone, i heard it again. i glanced at my timer to see that i had just 4 minutes left. sweet sweet sleep. almost gone. so i snuggled in for the final four. and in the blink of an eye it was gone.


It just gets better... 

ooh, nothing like somebody cutting your confidence off at the knees to perk up an already bad day! a woman who cannot coherently tell you to do something but gets frustrated when you do not understand her mashed potato garbled POS form of telling you what she thinks she means when she tries to open her mouth and speak... whatever, that woman just basically told me that i don't know nearly as much as i think i know and i should start back at square one. you're a mean one, mrs. grinch. go buy a dictionary and practice talking in coherent sentences.

oh, and p.s. she also thinks my education was archaic. nice one.


I've had better... 

so all in all, this was a pretty crappy weekend. and it being a holiday weekend just meant it lasted even longer. next weekend is going to be a stressful chaotic weekend with too much stuff packed into too little time, so that's something to look forward to.

i really don't know what else to say about things. the weekend was stressful, i didn't have much fun, people were being punks. this week i guess is a good thing, but it's still going to be stressful and only got worse when another issue was added to the mix. i just need a vacation from it all.

my flowers died over the weekend while i was gone, too. something advertised as a job opening turned out to be a placement service where they want a good hunk of your paycheck. i told the guy that i could find places who wanted to hire me without asking me for money, thank you very much you scam artist.

so let's find an upside. i got to talk to a good friend the other night. i have a job potential maybe in the works. mayhem was sweet for a portion of the weekend. i saw a few fireworks even though my july 4th plans were screwed over.

part of me wants to scream mean words into the post. part of me wants to cry. and part of me wants to sleep away all of this in hopes that i wake up and find myself in a better situation. i know it won't happen, but the nap sounds good anyway. please tell me somebody else had a better weekend than me.


Friday, July 01, 2005

The talk... 

so we're coming up to the july 4th weekend. i have to get going soon. but since i didn't post today i figured i'd put something up really quickly.

i worked out some things with mayhem this morning. i think things will be better. he was still being a complete sweetheart in person, but i had to let him know that he was acting like a punk the rest of the week. it felt like friends. a friend who was too busy to talk. but we talked this morning and things seem to be better. he supposedly understands that he needs to prioritize better. i also shared the little operation sexy brainstorm of rock and i. he was one of the main inspirations for operation sexy because he did a lot of the little things that made me feel sexy. however, he's not doing some of the other things, like sweet and cute little things. as i read guys' blogs about their relationships, even the ones who are ready to call it quits speak so lovingly and sweetly about their significant others. at first i wallowed a little and pitied myself just a tad. but then i started thinking more about it. i am guessing that the majority of those women think the exact same thing. the guys never tell the women how they really feel, how they still believe they got the most incredible woman in the world even if they are unhappy now. guys don't seem to open up like that. turns out that mayhem has told one of my best friends that he thinks i'm the greatest girl in the world.

anyway, i guess that's about it. long story short, things improved after we talked. well, a little bump when he slept all day like a lazy ass. but then he suckered me into cuddling with him and used our previous talk against me. sweet talker.

ok, i have to pack like a maniac. i'll maybe post during the weekend, or may have to wait till i get back. hug and kisses and fireworks (buy them or make your own... hint hint)!


The official stuff...

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