Saturday, December 31, 2005

Endings and beginnings... 

worst movie name ever: daddy's dyin'... who's got the will?

i kid you not. it is playing on fox today. i refuse to even turn on the tv for fear that it could have somehow been left on fox and will require me to momentarily see or hear any piece of that movie. ouch.

so tonight is the big night. the one night in which everybody who recognizes the new year must have plans to top the rest of the entire past year. yep, it's "top that, bitch!" night. as i was showering i thought of all kinds of interesting things to write, and now they have all escaped, down the drain with the bubbles i guess.

did i ever even talk about christmas? i don't know that i did.

i had a good christmas, but not great. let me rephrase... materialistically, i had a good christmas. i got fun stuff for my place, books for my mind, yummy stuff for my body, a visit to church for my soul, and food for my tummy. i also got to see some of the people i love, but still ached dearly for the ones i missed this year, which is one of the biggest reasons that it wasn't a great christmas. and of course the fact that i got precious little time off to celebrate and relax since i'm still very low on the totem pole for work.

now it's almost the new year. should be a time for reflection and contemplation of the future. and partying. i hope for better things to come in the future, and resolution to the not-so-great things of the past. resolutions are meant to disappoint and frustrate and ultimately to be rejected, so i will not make any. i would, however, hope that i find happiness and clarity in the new year. that i hold family and friends closer and learn more time management for the working world. that i am more mindful, patient, understanding, and compassionate with myself and my fellow humans. i hope that the year to come is full of positives and the necessary negatives of life are minor and pale in comparison to the joy and happiness and all of the positives.


Thursday, December 29, 2005

Snarls and laughs... 

today w-o-r-e me out. like woah.

nerdz i know. it's turning me into one of those people who annoys me because they write crap on the internet and spell it all wrong and try to act cool when it's just stupid.

so tonight i was driving home from work in the dark. as i turned into my street, there was a guy who was walking down the middle of the street and wouldn't move out of my way as i drove ever so slowly behind him as he ambled (aka, he continued to slowly stroll despite the angry woman in a massive piece of steel with an engine and a way to gun it contemplating the necessity of his continued existence on this earth). finally, he dipped over to one side, so i darted past him, keeping an eye out for him to make some stupid ass move that would require me to pay thousands of hospital and court bills as he faked injuries. i got to my apartment complex before him, and had to sit again, this time behind a dumb ass car that couldn't get the gate open and was hesitant to drive through when i opened it for him. he finally drove through, and i dodged 2 more idiot drivers. then, you would not believe it. wait for it. ...... i had to drive behind the dumbass who was walking in the road, now walking down the middle of the parking lot in front of me. he stopped and stood just one parking space away from the one i needed. i just stood and stared at him until the crossed the street at that point.... and started walking down the middle of the parking space i needed!!! bastard. i probably should have removed him from the population that is able to walk freely if that is how he chooses to use that right.

ok, enough bitching.

i just talked to a couple wonderful people and haven't laughed so hard in who knows how long! i've said it a million times, but god bless my friends!


Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Missing you... 

i know, i'm sorry, i've been a bad blogger. missed you guys, though.

things truly are falling apart at the seams still. now my body has decided it's a bad idea to sleep at night, and my head thinks it's fun to give me a horrible headache at work when i don't have time for it.

i made a pact with my exhausted self this morning that i would be leaving work early to get some sleep and pursue that much needed personal life. of course it didn't happen, and once my head started throbbing that only slowed me down even more.

so now i'm making a pact with my exhausted self to go to bed early. i hope i keep that promise at least.

so how was everybody's christmas? mine was good, but short. at one point i nearly had a nervous breakdown realizing that it was almost time to go back to work again with christmas a year away, and i had to calm myself down and promise to do better at the great balancing act.

this christmas was just a hard one in general for me, though. too many changes at once made it not really feel like christmas. i only opened a couple gifts, i waited way too long to buy the gifts for others, so i truly did have some IOUs to write. it felt half-hearted, and i wasn't with all my loved ones either.

new goal? (i know i've already mentioned about 5 in this post so far, so i realize i'm making too many promises i won't keep) i want to get to a place where i can do what i think needs to be done in my personal life, whether or not it means i return to a job or not. of course that will be much easier once mayhem and i are married and he is successful in his job. but i want to be in a place where i know my stuff and feel confident that i'm an asset to the company and can then make my demands. i will be off for a week for christmas to visit my family, and a week in the summer for a vacation with my husband. agree on that with me or watch my ass as i walk out that door. right now i'm low man on the totem pole, but it's just a matter of time. or a matter of more financial security. i was raised to love life, not kill yourself over a job. of course i was still taught to do everything to the best of your abilities and succeed, so i am killing myself over a job right now, but once i meet my other goal of balance, then i can have both... i hope.

ok, enough nonsensical ranting from the girl who promises herself the world and delivers a grain of sand. i need sleep. and to hear about everyone's christmasses.


Thursday, December 22, 2005

Falling apart at the seams... 

seems like everything is falling apart at the seams.

relationship, family issues, job shit, even my body is wearing out.

christmas is going to be a little bright spot in it all (or it better be at least!), but i'm still worried about what i'm going to walk into when i come back from the holidays.

part of the issue is the great unknown. there's a lot of that in my life right now. you name it, i don't know about it.

so what's left to be thankful about? you know i gotta think of something positive before i get depressed. my family. for the most part, my family has been pretty good lately. food. food never lets me down. my bed. my bed is my favorite piece of furniture and treats me well every night.

gotta run, but i'll try the whole thinking positive thing.


Sunday, December 18, 2005

Just throwing it out there... 

i gotta vent this somewhere.

i have been proposed to by a few guys, but never by the guy i'm actually dating, the one i actually want to propose to me. i'm just throwing that out there. maybe i should take them up on one of their offers and tell mayhem he missed his chance.

i am sooooooooooooooooooo tempted. i mean it's not like he hasn't had ample opportunities. hell, he knows way more about me and has known me longer, yet he hasn't proposed and is pretty much cock blocking these other guys chances. fair is fair.

so here's the deal, send all proposals this way. as much as i love you guys, no serious proposals from married guys and no leaving spouses for me. if you want everything to be on your terms, then just forget it right now. you gotta be willing to compromise with me. and i really like it when i'm allowed to have things my way (just a hint).

ok, blah blah, lots of shit. and now more shit with bushy boy stealing TV time.



it's been too long since i posted last. and every day since the last post was pretty shitty, with the exception of yesterday. yesterday was great, but every other day (including today) sucked.

i know why women can have shitty self esteem. it's because of other women. catty bitchy women who make mean and degrading comments about other women. like the bitch who publicly insulted by boobs. it hurt, and i can't get it out of my head. even though i know what she said isn't true, i can't help but replay what she said over and over in my head and feel the pain and shock and dismay. my rational thoughts can't compete. if anybody wants to pass along compliments in an effort to drown her out, go ahead and try. none of my thoughts have helped, though.

mayhem was a jerk this morning. hurt my feelings and left me embarrassed. and he lied to me. i know he did. i don't have the energy to try doing anything constructive today because of all this shit. so i'm trying to figure out how to make do without finishing my shopping, filling my car with gas, getting people's gifts, buying groceries, and everything else that needed to be done. me thinks it might be a very shitty christmas for those who are depending on me (with a few exceptions). guess i could always give them mayhem's christmas present and tell him to fuck off.

been hugged by a santa lately? think about it.... it's a fat, hairy, probably sweaty (especially since he's wearing fur) guy who hugs random people and encourages people to sit on his lap. and who calls everybody a ho. oh, and he takes excessive pictures with children sitting on his lap. suddenly i don't think i'm going to push the santa image to kids if i ever have them.

ok, i'm going to go back to moping now, but i feel a little better after throwing a little pity party for one here. who's feeling that christmas spirit? anybody? if you are, how much "holiday cheer" did you have to drink to feel that way?


Wednesday, December 14, 2005


so this was some day at work. seems like i'm always having "one of those days" at work. this was definitely out of the ordinary, though. crazy shit and people getting screwed over (i was one of them). i still haven't done christmas shopping. and i skipped a holiday party today. i think i really need to either declare an anti-holiday or find somebody to give me a little holiday spirit. one or the other.

oh yeah, and obviously by the title, i have a headache.


Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Another day wasted... 

i'm tired. my computer's still fucked. i can't fix it and neither can mayhem. makes me feel like a shitty laptop mommy, and makes mayhem feel like less of a man.

i need to go to bed. i know you're getting shitty posts. sorry.

still haven't bought any christmas gifts. still haven't unpacked my christmas decorations. still haven't really gotten into the christmas spirit. i can't even send out those oh-so-special christmas cards with the warm and fuzzy message inside like i suggested yesterday because i haven't even bought christmas cards yet. maybe it would just be easier to claim that i no longer believe in christmas. then i could act insulted when they got upset about not getting anything. it's them pushing their beliefs on me, man. that's just bad, man. and apparently i'm in a really bad after-school special where every sentence ends with "maaan." probably because i'm the stoner guy in school.

so yeah, enough of that. we'll see how this holiday turns out once it's all over.


Monday, December 12, 2005


sometimes, shit just sucks. i know, i'm beating a dead horse. i've told you all this before many times.

my computer was ass raped by spyware pop up shit. mayhem went to work "fixing" it, and 20 seconds after he had it all "fixed" with a thick fortress of like 12 computer programs protecting it, up came a pop up. again. nice suckas. suck my kiss.

i have too much shit going on to do my christmas shopping. think i could just write a heart warming christmas card to that effect? "hi, my life is too busy to buy your present, but the sentiment is still there. love ya biatch."


Sunday, December 11, 2005

Another one bites the dust... 

and another weekend bites the dust.

back to being professional.

paste on the happy face.

act like you don't mind the shit that goes on.

be polite. stop cussing (out loud at least).

oh, and p.s. somebody fix my damn computer that's acting like a piece of shit to me when i already don't have the patience to deal with it. really, how easy is it to get an aneurysm? it's pretty hard, right?

i need more weekend. i need to buy christmas gifts, clothing, cook stuff, clean... the weekend just isn't long enough to recover from the week, catch up on sleep, do a lot of lazy nothingness, do all the responsible crap like running errands, and everything else i want to do (like mayhem).

ok, enough crap, i gotta run.


Thursday, December 08, 2005

Quick observation... 

just a quick little observation for the wtf category. so the bee in the nasonex commercial... he has great big teeth but no nose. nasonex is not a teeth whitener, but it is a nose spray. so the little cartoon selling the stuff to you does not even have the body part which it affects. so of course it's effective to him, it is physically impossible for him to have a stuffy nose. just sayin'. i think the ad business hires some of the stupidest people with college degrees. now read below for the interesting shit.


Continuing from yesterday... 

unfortunately, the nature of the conversation i mentioned yesterday was individualized enough that i can't reveal much. suffice it to say, though, that the friend in question made a mistake big enough to make any of you smack your foreheads in dismay. if you're nosy enough, email and i'll explain. i think she may be the dumbest smart person i know.

in a still awkward part of the conversation, she wanted to discuss orgasms 101. that whole "please reassure me that i'm normal" kind of thing. i don't think i did. this is not her first time to be disappointed like that. the girl should have learned by now.

now seems like a time to give thanks for the rich sexual bounty with which i have been blessed. no uptight stifling private school to shame me into hating my body or the impressive things it is capable of doing. no stuffy, conservative, republican, zealot upbringing to make me feel ashamed of being me. no parents who avoided the sex talks (actually, it was quite the contrary. my mom loved them and i clawed at the car door judging how fast i needed to tuck and roll to survive.) no parents who avoided sex once they hit their limit for desired number of children. of course, that means that mayhem loves to try giving me visuals of their active sex life, but on the flip side, he is the one who has to deal with two parents who are a pain in the ass because they haven't gotten laid in years. of course, this also means that i am the sexpert. which is fine, most of the time. kind of flattering a lot of the time. and means i'm a favorite with my guy friends, which is a great perk. honestly, i find it comical. and kind of sad for them. i mean, why do so many people have to grow up so repressed?! geez. let your kids have room to breathe and grow into the people they should become. (as an obvious sidebar: don't go all anarchy and let them turn into crack whore drug addict sluts with a dozen STDs and an drug problem. i was still the good kid who worked my ass off for the A's. i'm just saying you need some balance.)

and this concludes the single chick giving parenting advice portion of our day. commence orgasming.


Wednesday, December 07, 2005


i'm cold. i have my heat jacked up, but my nose is still cold. i hate that. my nose doesn't adjust like the rest of my body sometimes. i should buy it a thermostat for christmas.

i really don't know what i want to say. let's do a check. hmm, hair is drying after my shower, my ass is sore from sitting at the computer, i need to hurry this up so i can go pee, my right knee feels a little weird.

i'm not a big fan of really awkward conversations. and some people make them much harder than others. i mean, you have some friends where you can talk about everything. then you have others who are prim and proper and never discuss "those things" until they have an issue, and you're their go to person. i guess i somehow gained the reputation as the sexpert, the counselor, the problem fixer, the shoulder to cry on, and everything else. and i should really be smarter about it. like realizing that if i haven't heard from certain friends in a couple months, i should let my voicemail take the call and then decide whether or not to return the call. tried and true best buds can get busy and fall off the face of the earth temporarily (lord knows i'm guilty of it too), and when they call again it's just fantastic yay for catch-up time. but others... they just call when they have problems (and the slightly better ones butter you up by reminding you how much they love you and how fantastic they think you are). i had one of those calls... yesterday, i think, and made the mistake of answering. awkward chit chat. sympathizing as i vented a little about how crazy work got last week. and then, the silence and tip toeing. ".................... caaaaan i.... ask you something.............................................................. personal?" oh no. aw crap. what just happened here. "uhhh. sure, i guess." and off we go.

this happens to me on a semi-frequent basis. tis how you sort out the good friends from the mediocre.

and look! suddenly i have a post! now scoot off to bed kiddos.


Tuesday, December 06, 2005


i'm back. internet went down, i felt down, so i missed a post or two. sorry!

so what is it about boyshorts? i have a couple pairs, and just got a pair that i can actually wear under clothing. when i put the new ones on, i became completely mesmerized by my ass. it was breathtaking (even more so than usual!). i kept looking at it and touching it, shaking my ass, and gyrating it around to see it at several angles. it. was. gorgeous. mayhem concurs. well, not it so many words. i don't think he was able to say anything actually, but he did drool and smile and point and caress a great deal. i'd say that's even better than a prim and proper compliment! hot-chi-mama!

oh yes, and somebody please buy me one of those robotic vacuum cleaners for christmas. i hate vacuuming, so i figure it would be perfect to get one of those suckers, let it go wild while i'm gone, and charge it back up when i come home. my place is always clean, but 1) i don't have to do it, and 2) i don't have to hear it. i want to scream when i hear a vacuum going. must be an instinct brought about by my anti-housework gene.

oh, and i could have sworn that the two kids on "my name is earl" were both black. now there's a white kid and a black kid. what happened?! that whole "they're not my kids" thing. serious show malfunction.


Sunday, December 04, 2005


i'm unhappy. mayhem and i are still struggling. a lot. my family is not a place of comfort right now. work is stressful, to say the least. i'm not in the christmas spirit. i have no desire to do the shopping that needs to be done for christmas or for myself.

i'm grumpy, slumpy, harumphy... not funny.


Saturday, December 03, 2005

Christmas is dead... 

christmas is dead in my family. used to be my favorite season, favorite holiday, and full of tradition. now my mother is slowly killing every single tradition. some slowly and painfully, drawing it out just to watch christmas and me writhe in pain. others, swiftly so she can see my face contort with shock. she wouldn't have dared to do this while my grandmother was still alive. but ever since she passed away my mother has slowly and surely destroyed the holiday.

way to kill the little child inside me. now i'll just become that 65-year-old bar hag who smokes and drinks and hits on the 20-year-olds in the bar with my raspy voice on christmas day.


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