Vortexia's Secret

i'm going to attempt to be excruciatingly transparent right now. i think i deserve it, and i think all of you deserve it too.

i've always been a person who looks for more. in college, before i knew anything about blogging, i met friends through IM. i met two guys who i figured would be friends for life. they probably would have been if i hadn't slacked on the IM scene. one even tried to visit me once. sweet sweet guy, he was willing to travel thousands of miles so we could finally meet in person and hang out. he was fully aware of mayhem and not the type who would ever attempt a move to steal me away. sadly, the plans fell apart at the last minute and we never met. the other one i did get to meet. we were several hours away from each other, but by some strange coincidence of the fates we were dropped in each others' backyards on more than one occasion. we had more soulmatish conversations than i have ever had with another person, and i've had way more than my fair share of heart-to-hearts with some incredible people. i know he always secretly hoped it could be more, but he was gentlemanly enough to never cross a boundary that would jeopardize our friendship or my relationship with mayhem. yet despite it all, he still bared his soul to me and bore whatever came of it when he couldn't make me his.

when i entered the blogging scene, i met even more people who became close friends. some feel like good friends, others feel like sisters, and still others feel like relationships that could never have been. it is beautiful, sweet, poignant, and amazing. a century ago, nobody could have comprehended this kind of connection. we are strangers, yet we are entrusted with the secrets we won't tell our nearest and dearest. i feel like there is a blogger code. we protect and support each other. we know each other and yet we officially don't. it is an incredible postmodern experience.

i am a strange mixture of things that not even i can fully explain. i am very private in some ways, and yet in others i am fully transparent. i share everything, yet at the same time i hold in so much. i am wary of strangers, but fully trusting at the same time. i can be hard to love, but am inherently loveable. i will make your head spin, yet i elucidate and clarify in a way that nobody has ever done for you before. i am a confusing paradox, but at the end of the day, i wouldn't have it any other way.