Vortexia's Secret

what a strange trip it has been. even though there was no trip. just these past couple days have been bizarre.

i ran some errands that needed to be completed. although the essential stuff (aka food) is still at the store waiting to be bought. mostly, i just accompanied a friend to the store because we needed to spend some time together and it wasn't going to happen any other way. i also ate out with mayhem. and it was strange. in some ways we were being that annoying couple who you know is sharing secrets and talking about you, but then we were acting platonic in other ways. i really don't know how to explain it because i don't understand it myself. we met at the restaurant, but he decided he would come back to my place, so we drove back to my apartment separately. he took what is normally a longer route, but got lucky because he avoided the monstrous late-night traffic jam that i was caught in. i let him know i would be much later, so he went to the video store without me to pick up something to watch. once i got home i gave him a call to tell him to head back. no answer. called for about 20 minutes going through various scenarios in my head and each time debating if i should still call again or not. all but one scenario (that he had somehow gotten hurt and couldn't get to his phone) frustrated me. i was sure that he was talking on the phone to a friend and was just being a punk by not clicking over to tell me. when he finally did answer, he explained that he lost his phone under the seat and had spent that entire freaking 20 minutes trying to fish it out. but he was grateful that i had called several times because he could follow the sound to find the phone.

that and the traffic jam had left me frustrated. but because i was worked up, i was ready to do something. like install insulation around my doors. or hang pictures. or finish sanding my table. of course with the way i had left mayhem at the restaurant his mind was on something else entirely.

sorry to disappoint guys, but soon after we got back and had a discussion on whether or not he had a crush on a friend's girlfriend, i fell asleep. he stayed up until goodness knows when doing all kinds of crap. the hundredth time i woke up to the sound of the TV and the lights glowing in my entire place, i got up and told him to stop wasting my electricity... if you're sitting in one room you only need the lights on for that room. instead he turned everything off and opted to toss and turn and snore at ungodly decibal levels next to me. so i never really got the sleep i needed. i woke up many times during the night and tried to close his jaw, making him breathe through his nose and therefore stop snoring. instead it just woke him up, making the snoring stop for 30 seconds or so. i also woke up several times trying to cuddle with him. no luck. he claimed he had done the same thing during the night, but i don't remember that at all.

then this morning hit. started out wonderful, caught up on the cuddling we missed during the night. and then we watched a movie. it dredged up old shit. things did not end on a good note, but they didn't end at rock bottom either. i'll bet money that he will never ever want to see "little black book" ever again. even post-alzheimer's (if he gets it). it brings up two big points for relationships: once you lie, you don't really know what's the lie and what's the truth and you can't prove something is the truth by just saying it more than you said the lie. and omitting information is still betrayal. yeah, today was a doozie. but in a way it might be good. in the long run of course. he always claims that i'm his #1 priority and gives lip service to that kind of crap. but the truth is that i never have been. and i'm not necessarily saying that i should be. that's one hell of a responsibility for somebody who has a lot of shit going on in her own life. but i do deserve to be way the hell up near the top of the priority list at least. but when i am, i often feel blamed. like "well, i'm seeing you today even though i should be working on 3 other things that are due and i'll have to stay up all night to finish them in time." or "i have to find a job that will work with my school schedule and still allow me time to see you." i don't want to feel like i'm a burden, so things like that make me want to open the door and say "you're right. you are too busy for me, so finish up the semester, assess how full your plate is at that point, and we'll see if we can still work out down the road." ok, so that makes him really upset. but i don't want to be guilt-tripped. i don't want to be blamed. i don't want to be lied to or told that i'm frustrating when i point out that i really have no way of knowing if i'm being told the truth now or if i was told the truth in the past.

i realize that some of this is pretty confusing without the full details, which i don't want to share, but you get the idea. it's been a fucked up day. it hasn't been resolved yet because that will have to be done with time. there are some things that he needs to show me will be different. he needs to learn balance and show me the change. so that's where things are at right now, i guess. i'm really not in a bad mood or upset by this. i feel strangely at peace with it. hope you guys had a good weekend!

oh, and hello to UC! hope you stick around awhile.