Vortexia's Secret

it can be really frustrating when you want somebody right then but can't have them. and i'm not even meaning that sexually. i know it sounds really sexual, but i'm not meaning it that way. there are just times when you know that you really need somebody in some way (with you physically, talking on the phone or in person, etc) and you can't make it happen for some reason. sometimes it is an attraction and you can't have them because they aren't yours to have, but other times it's for simpler reasons. distance. busyness. timing.

i can remember a couple times in college when i wanted nothing more but to be able to call up my mom and talk to her... usually because it was a highly emotional time and i couldn't handle it by myself and she can make it better about 50% of the time. (the other 50% of the time, she makes it worse because she isn't helping in the way i need help. she's being devil's advocate, chiding me that i should be able to handle whatever it is, is disappointed with whatever it was, etc.)

i also remember times when i needed J to be there, but he was hours away and leading his own life. we never had that kind of long distance relationship where one of us would just be impractical and drop everything to rush to the other's side when they really needed it. both of us were in school with high standards to maintain, i was carless, and he was often working on top of school.

the desire to call my mom has subsided, and i think i only had to do it a couple times... like that day when everything in the world went wrong (i could link it, but i don't feel like digging through the archives), and maybe another time when she had to run interference because i was about to tell off the psycho roommate. but the longing for J still remains. sometimes it's when he's just left, and i don't want him to leave, ever really. sometimes it's when i'm feeling lonely, usually on a sunday because i never get together with anyone on sundays it seems like. sometimes it's when i'm falling asleep and feel a little pain in my heart because we got to sleep together (again, not sexual, just literally falling asleep in the same bed) more when we were hours apart than when we're just an hour away.

but enough about me. wait, this is my blog. well enough of this sentimental sappiness where i take pity on myself. yesterday was a lot of fun and i just need to remember that and forget this feeling.

P.S. Keep them in your prayers.