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Monday, August 23, 2004

Emotions... 

see? told you i'd be back. i forgot about this in the last post. some emotions that flooded me last night.

i read a line last night about this girl being so happy with her life at that moment because she had married the love of her life and had just found out she was pregnant. it made me tear up a little. at first i was surprised, thinking that i was actually starting to feel a twinge of maternal instinct rising up inside me. it was very shocking since right now i have very little desire to have children. i'm the type who has been assured by others that i will make an amazing mother, but i have some serious doubts myself. there are many things that need to come fist in my life. like marriage, stability, career, etc. but then i realized... marriage. ah yes, there's the real reason it hit me. married to the love of her life. oh how i want that. and she's the kind who is just happy with life. descendant of hippies (i think), so she has a little of that hippiness herself. thrift store clothes are better than the original version at the store. living in a little apartment because it's cheap and living off not much is fine. they're happy and that's what really counts. so they scrape by and build their wealth in love rather than money. they discover that they're pregnant. they worry temporarily about the added expenses that they won't be able to afford easily, but let it all go for the joy of having a child of their own. very free. very down to earth and yet not. very in love. and that's the part i want. i want to just let go of all the "practicalities" and planning and just throw caution to the wind and get married. or at least engaged. i found the love of my life and i don't know why i have to wait. sometimes i'm fine with it and other times i get like this and am sick of the wait. and let me tell you, it feels very strange to say that i've found the love of my life. but it always takes me a long time to get comfortable with labels and titles. i'll find it weird to be called ms. vortexia at work. i found it weird to start calling mayhem my boyfriend way back in the day. i definitely found it weird to be called his girlfriend. but anyway. i guess it's hard because i have the man, the place to live (this apartment would be so fun to share), the career path, but i haven't found any money yet. a job that pays. blah. i'll get over this soon. and then i'll be happy with what i have again. i do have most of the puzzle pieces. and i'm extremely grateful for that. and in a couple years it will all fall into place. for now i'll just be happy for others who have what i want. and happy for myself for what i have so far. in time, V, in time...

P.S. Keep them in your prayers.


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