Vortexia's Secret

*disclaimer: this will be a weird post.

so i don't think i'm quite ready to write about all the nitty gritty about what happened with the passing away and the trip and all that. i'll come around to it, but i can't do it right now. about 90% of the time i'm fine, but then strange little things will make me start thinking about her again and how much i miss her and i get all sad again. i don't know if the other 90% of me is at peace with it or in denial. or if it's kind of a 50-50 split. anyway, i just wanted to let you know. be patient with me and you'll get the story.

right now i'm getting frustrated with my upstairs neighbors. for the most part they've been really good. not too loud and thumpy or anything. but last night and this morning they've been really loud. dribbled a basketball directly above my head at one point last night. then were stomping all around this morning. but they're still much better than the last people who lived above me, so i deal.

i'm eating hot tamales for breakfast. like the jelly cinnamony things. i've been told i'm a hot tamale before. i'm hot right now, in both senses of the word. i have shitloads of stuff to do today, but at the same time i feel like doing n-o-t-h-i-n-g. well, maybe a few little things around the apartment, but nothing major. i think i have to buy a wireless router for the new computer to make it work. bitchness. i have a million and one things i have to buy. yuck. yuck because it's money and i'll have to wear clothes and drive in a hot car and go to many different stores and find everything i need in the stores and buy things and pay for them and then lug them into my apartment and put them away or use them or whatever was the purpose of me having to buy them. so yuck. i kind of grew out of that "like, oh my gosh, shopping is just like sooooooo fun!" mode a while back. and then i will feel sad and guilty when i see the final price for it all. but my car hasn't been driven in forever because i've been gone so long, so i better suck it up and deal with it. oh, and i have to make a hundred phone calls to all the people who are worried about me. some i genuinely want to make, but others i'm dreading a little. you kind of learn who can take the news that something horrible happened in one of the lives of their friends and who doesn't know how to react. makes calling those people who don't know how to react a little harder. i'm kind of ready to get away from my life for awhile. like i am very glad i was able to leave for the funeral and all, but that was my small block of time to get my sanity back together. i feel like i need it more than ever, but won't have time for it until the end of december. hopefully the internship will start off slowly (i told them what i'd been going through), so i can at least catch my breath and warm up to that. and i won't be thrown into stuff with school too fast... it's always at least a couple weeks before the first assignment is due. so i just need to refocus and feel like i can do it. and i can take time for myself each night even though i was busy during the day. (and if you're wondering what i'm doing writing this if everything started this week, my stuff doesn't start until tomorrow. another saving grace.)

which brings me to my next random thought. i really am ready to shift my thinking in my life. i want to live better and happier. i want to roll with the punches more. find the good in more things that could otherwise bring me down. make others happier. love better. be stronger. be happier. inspire others. ok, this is just getting sappy. but i kind of feel like the torch has been passed down to me now. i feel like it's time for me to grow up, become more *shudders* maternal maybe?!, and take on some of the responsibilities and actions and beliefs, etc that my role model had. i know her children are logically next in line, but once you're in your 50s you're more set in your ways. of course, some help from them is always welcome. but i think i ought to live my life similar to her (in some aspects). i guess maybe i do and just don't give myself credit for it. i know how selfish or pouty or lazy or whatever else i can be, but some of those are things that only that person knows about themselves. i don't know what i'm saying or where this is going. i'm just having random thoughts. well anyway, i guess i'll go. maybe if i laze around a little while then i'll feel up to getting stuff done. i'll probably be back with more posts.

P.S. Keep them in your prayers.