Vortexia's Secret

note: as a heads up, this will probably be the topic of the next week or so. raw and uncensored recounting of the hell that i'll be living for the next weekish. i don't particularly like it, but hey, this week just won't be pretty... and i wear my heart, feelings, and thoughts on my sleeve. you love me for it most of the time, but this week you'll have to bear with me. and sending love my way in the comments would be a big help if you so desire.

i'm exhausted. and the stress is really getting to me. like my memory and some of my reaction time went last night. a vase fell and broke as i was trying to fill it, and it took a couple seconds to process. then several more before i started to check that none of it flew and hit me, and i was currently bleeding. then i got ready for bed and realized i forgot to do several things. like get stuff ready for school and brush my teeth.

this morning i actually felt decent. got through most of the first class before my body got tired of putting on appearances and was ready for another night's sleep. had to push through the whole day, though. projects to do, tests to study for, papers to edit. emotional friends to console. made it back home to hear bad news. now i don't feel quite right. i'm worried about what's happening in my own life, and sadly that's taking up the majority of my worry capacity, but i know that what's happening in a loved one's life is much worse right now and i need to focus my energy on that. i'm not sure why, it's not like i can change whatever happens. but i still worry for her. and i feel as though not worrying for her or thinking good things about her and praying for her is bad and callous and heartless and selfish and a lot of those other bad things. but if your life is already full to capacity with all you can handle, maybe you're meant to squeeze out those issues that you can't help at the moment? like she's in another state, so i can't stay up all night with her making sure she's ok. i can't do a lot of that stuff that i would want to do if i were nearby. so it's hard.

and i have a lot more to get done either tonight or getting up tomorrow morning to do. i haven't decided which yet. but i knew myself well enough that i wrote the caulk entry last night when less shit was hitting the fan because i knew i wouldn't be up for any kind of decent post tonight. i didn't even forsee all of this.

the upside of the day: productive and nearly knocked out one of my projects; aced that test i despised from last week. i have to remember that something positive has happened or i won't keep my sanity through the next full week. why did i plan this insanity so poorly?!

P.S. Keep them in your prayers.