Vortexia's Secret

ok, i think this is my title for the next few days. for many reasons. let's recap.

just now i started trying in vain to find ANYWHERE that offers the flumist vaccine. you know, the thing you snort that makes you sick for a couple days but then keeps you safe from those germ coughing freaks on the airplane and keeps you from killing your future father-in-law. hell if i know where you get it. it's like trying to hunt down the secret location of a secret service agent at any given time. except they seem to be hiding the location of these suckers even better. so i finally type in flumist location and a nearby city in hopes that somebody has said something, anything about it. three sites come up. all have the same info. i read the little snippet that you see on the little google thing and find it a little odd, but decide to give it a shot nonetheless. it seems to have an odd mix of info, but i figure that with the blogs out there, i google with an odd assortment of stuff too. yeah, it's on that page about 2 seconds before it turns into a porn page offering the best rape scenes. so i am utterly freaked. i don't think that is something that should be faked and offered up as a sexual fantasy for perps, much less having the real thing there. it makes me suddenly want to maim the men behind it. i close the site the second i see the word rape, but i wonder if that's the kind of thing that should be reported? i mean, yeah, who does jack shit about patrolling the internet, and under most circumstances i'm fine with that. but something like this... i mean, if it seriously is rape, then something should be done. ewww, i still feel creeped out. and like i need to locate a hefty baseball bat for the bedside table just in case. eww.

i'm still getting beaten down. of course there was the person belittling my personality, the mediocre evaluation, and mayhem making me feel incompetent with tech support. now we add that big ass 26 page paper i wrote a few weeks back. i got a grade back and just squeeked by with an A-. my other friends got mid to high Bs. i was livid. i know i got an A and yippee, but the stupid shit she wrote on it was utterly ridiculous. she wanted examples after i had just given 5. she wanted me to explain how i got to that decision when the entire paragraph backed it up. it's one of those judge it before you even read it kind of things. i was so pissed... it took everything i had not to go up to her right there and say wtf is this?! we are the A standard, and i can guarantee that the majority of her comments were bullshit because they obviously are when you read the damn thing. but i got an A. so i will keep my mouth shut unless she graded my presentation too harshly to pull an A in the class. in which case i will cool down, create my case, and have at it until i leave with an A. i'm sure i sound like a psycho little grade nazi and a bitch, but i KNOW that paper was worth more than that, and i know that i wrote in more detail than probably 95% of the class. i'm so pissed.

in a completely different freaked, i was asked today when i'll be getting engaged. it doesn't really freak me out to be asked that, but it still feels a little weird to talk to a group of friends about when it will be happening because i guess i officially have no idea when it will. but if we were placing bets i'd probably have an edge on the money pot. it's weird to be in a place right now where i want to be married, but i don't want to be one of "those girls" who is always questing after a proposal or whatever, and at the moment i am still getting back to normal after a pretty brutal round of fights; plus i like my freedom and independence and think it'll be weird to give that up, but also look forward to sharing it all with mayhem and doing all the little stuff together like cooking and cleaning and then watching TV to avoid the chores. talk about many mixed feelings! who knows... maybe that's normal par for the course kind of stuff. and i know that i really am not one of "those girls" because it is fairly natural to start thinking of engagement and marriage after 5+ years of dating. i mean, you don't stay together that long purely out of convenience. i am also determined that i won't become one of "those girls" who freaks about everything for the wedding. family and friends will be invited to help me extensively, and i will welcome people to remind me to let go of the stupid little details if i don't really care about them. i have friends who are stressing me out by association because they are obsessing with little stuff. i want to have fun with this and be able to focus on the even more important aspect... the marriage that comes with after the wedding. if you fill your life with the wedding, then you'll find the marriage a letdown in comparison.... that's just fucked up. so i will work against that trend. and at the encouragement of the parental figures, mayhem and i might actually start moving toward making some of those decisions now. like a church we like, ring styles we like (that was our idea), what we like in a house, etc. weird, but good. very very weird... but good. ok, this was waaaaaaaay too much rambling and will make me sound like one of those girls. so enough of this. i have a paper to write.

still officially freaked,
V