Vortexia's Secret

sometimes life ain't pretty. today was another of those days. i got my first ever less-than-spectacular evaluation. the first day of my internship i made clear once more that i was there to learn and the masters program does not prepare you with actual real-life knowledge. so i explained that i couldn't jump right in asap (as she had previously mentioned). she said that it was actually fabulous because they have had others there who thought they knew it all and caused some head aches. so i assumed it was all copacetic. so my evaluation instead says essentially that i came in unprepared and their expectations exceeded my abilities, but now that we were on the same page my supervisor was sure i would do well. how the hell do you interpret something like that? since it was all discussed on my FIRST DAY there and i jumped in with both feet several weeks ago, i would assume that she would focus on the current rather than the very very very beginning. unless she still assumes that i am not yet adjusted, in which case i need to have a very serious talk with her. yeah i haven't had a ton to do these past couple weeks, but i cannot create work out of thin air. and she has been gone for several days when i have worked. i just don't know what to think. i'm not that fabulous with criticism, but i can handle it when i know why i'm receiving it. i just don't understand this. i mean i could even guess as to why i was criticized yesterday, and my supervisor agreed with the assessment, but this just leaves me confused. and if she had said something to me personally... instead she handed it to me at the last second before leaving. i guess that added to my feeling that maybe she felt cowardly about the bait and switch... being so positive and sweet in person and then saying i was a disappointment on paper.

i know it's still positive overall, but like i said this is the first time any supervisor or coworker has thought anything less than the best about my performance. other friends are working at places that don't care if they get their hours and are willing to lie that they have completed their obligation whether or not they showed. and other friends still haven't started their own projects and are still just observing despite it being nearly 3 months in, and still other friends have nothing to do at their internships and are instructed to just use the time to write all their school papers. i am there for the full commitment, i'm on my own and requesting more responsibility, and i rarely have much free time to do school work (let alone a computer on which to write the papers). ugh, sorry i just had to vent. it feels like it's my week for the world to shit on me... the fights with mayhem, then the criticism yesterday and the lukewarm evaluation today.

oh, and my laptop is finally ready after 2 weeks. unfortunately, they completely wiped out the computer. it has been restored to the way it is when it's fresh out of the box. sound good? no, not really, since that means i have to reinstall XP pro, norton antivirus, the office suite, recreate documents, reformat my outlook express, install zone alarm, mozilla, and the list goes on. ugh, anyway... i needed a shoulder to cry on, but i had to do work instead. i tried calling people, but nobody answered. so i'm just going to go and wallow in my own sorrow for a little while. if any of you have some encouragement, then please let me hear it. thanks lovies...