Vortexia's Secret

i had a very interesting and unexpected day. it was good. definitely kind of a rollercoaster of a day, but the end result made me feel happy with it all.

skepticism marked my morning... as i was walking to my car, the guy parked next to me was backing out of his space and nearly ran into me (as a pedestrian) because he backed out with his windows still fogged (ok, lots of us do that) but also without looking. i mean, even if my windows are fogged i still check for moving objects! erg, so i kept sidestepping him until he put it into drive and left. i figured since i live in the same complex, it was best not to get his attention by kicking his trunk or yelling to pay attention or anything. i could avoid the accident so i just left it at that. got myself to work and i started off the day chatting with coworkers. my first meeting of the morning went well. i have noticed that i've been more suspicious ever since my so-so evaluation. my supervisor pulls aside another coworker in front of me and says she needs to talk to her in private, i worry that it could be about my performance. guys, i guess this is how you develop performance anxiety. ok i can see it, that would suck. but anyway, i know that's a sign that i still have a chip on my shoulder from the review and need to get over it. unfortunately, i'm also realizing that my supervisor isn't quite as fantastic as i initially thought. i had been ignoring a lot of things that i am no longer ignoring anymore, and i'm comparing her to another stellar coworker and seeing that she falls short sometimes. she has some skills that make her a great person to be in charge, but she also has a lot that are lacking. she doesn't do her paperwork on time, she lets things fall through the cracks, she informs people of things that impact them either much too late, in passing, or in a meeting when that person really should have been informed beforehand, etc. and i hate this. i'm sure somebody from my middle school days would tell me i needed a tough skin and just to suck it up, but really now... like i was told in a meeting with the rest of the staff that i may have to change my schedule because what works best for her is a day when i'm not there. now i see that as something to discuss with me in private. you tell me one-on-one that you have a conflict arising and may need to find a solution that works well for both of us and great, i'll work with you. you tell me in a meeting that you had to look long term at what works best for you and this wasn't it, and i feel trapped. it's like breaking up with somebody in the lobby of the restaurant on a double date because the other person can't make a scene. and i wouldn't make a scene, but it still has that feeling. i don't know... this was all a big tangent. i guess the bottom line was that i had a little taste of what a great supervisor could be, but she was just filling in until my supervisor returned.

so getting away from this huge tangent, i was trying to say that this was a good day. i had a success on a project, felt like i was back to the busy day kind of thing, which was kind of a nice change from the feeling awkward and guilty for having nothing to do and spending work time writing papers and doing class projects. it was nice to have the time and in a place where i have no choice but to be productive, but at the same time, i felt like it was only a matter of time before something bad happened to me because of my lack of work-related things to do. not really my fault but the easiest game in the world is pin the blame on the intern. so it was kind of fun to be busy again (i know, it sounds sick). at the end of the day i was also able to have a great talk and connect with somebody. it's kind of personal so i'd like to just keep it at that, but i drove home in a pleasant and reflective mood. it gave me a lot to think about and left me open and vulnerable, but in a good way. there's been a lot lately that i haven't shared with anyone, including myself really, so it was good to address it again. we all have our ways of coping with things and i haven't been acknowledging some things i should have. and i need to reconnect with some people who i haven't kept in touch with so well. and i need to take some time for myself without the daily distractions. a day where i slept in, took a long bath, did some yoga, read, wrote, thought about my thoughts, but avoided the computer and the TV. at any rate, i need to get to bed and think about all of this some more. i'm sure this was a weird post. all is good and some of this relates to things that i wanted to acknowledge but am not yet ready to share. i have to figure it out myself before i can explain to anyone else. so yeah... warm fuzzies with some tears.