Vortexia's Secret

a couple days ago, my boss asked if i was getting enaged for christmas. i told her i doubted it, and she said that now would be the perfect time because i wasn't expecing it. then that night i had a dream where i suspected her and mayhem of collaborating to surprise me with a proposal. they were both sneaking around so i got a little excited about the possibility, but i didn't want to get my hopes up. it was one of those dreams that was so realistic that i had to think about it for a minute the next day to make sure i hadn't been given any reason to wonder about it in real life. so i'm pretty sure it was just a dream. i think.

last night made me even more sure. if you're wondering why i seemed to have an aneurysm last night over the apprentice, i was just in a horrible mood. i seriously just needed to scream, and that show became the perfect outlet. it was a shitty finale, so i let the TV know. i don't think it cared. but anyway, mayhem came over last night and made me laugh, which was always good because it helped calm me down. but then i truly got upset. before it was just random frustration and whatever else that i just needed to get rid of.... but once we started talking, it was frustration with our life paths. my parents decied to be extremely generous and help mayhem pay for something that would have cost him much of his seasonal money. i made the suggestion that since he'd have an extra few hundred laying around, he needed to save it as the beginning of the engagement ring. despite having almost 6 years now to start saving for it, he could maybe scrounge together a 10-spot for the ring if he had to get it right now. that is so sad and it makes me a little mad. in other respects he makes it quite obvious that he wants us to be married, and he set a hurdle for himself that the rock had to be at least 1 ct. i placed no such limitations. but if he has those kinds of expectations, and he is still planning on getting engaged in just a few months now, then he damn well better start saving for it! and he sure as hell better find a job that gives him more than 6 hours a week! that pays for jack shit. he knows all of this and he says that he's going to do all kinds of stuff, but he never fucking does it. so last night we were supposed to be celebrating. end of work until next year, end of classes, good grades, etc etc. and it very well may be our last day together for over a week since i'll be going out of town really soon. well that all flies right out the window. i suggest that he save the money toward a ring, and he says something about if he needs to pay down for a new car...

i get pissed. i say that he puts me as a low priority every time a big decision comes up the line. small decision: hang out with me for the night vs. hang out with a buddy to play a video game that he doesn't even like anymore. i win. get a car vs. get an engagement ring so i can get married to my girlfriend of 6 years, which is what i have wanted for all but the first month of knowing her. car wins. fuck you. i hope the car has a good heater to keep you warm at night. i hope it has a nice roomy backseat for you to enjoy by yourself. if you don't plan for the future, then you never have a fucking future. oh yeah, and did i mention that he has 2 grandmothers who have already offered up their wedding sets to him/us. he has declined both, but now he claims that he won't get them until the grandmothers die. right. so grandma wants him to use her wedding set, literally over her dead body? doesn't want to see her favorite grandson get married? only gives him the greenlight if she's dead and gone? i find that very very hard to believe. so fuck you mayhem. i'm sick of this fucking shit.