Vortexia's Secret

there is so much that i want to do and see and try in this world that at times it actually leaves me feeling overwhelmed. i have a horrible memory, so sometimes i worry that i'll forget about something i really wanted to do/see/try. in reality, i should use that as a barometer. if i really am hooked on that something, then i should be able to remember it. if it's not that important, then my mind will let it fall by the wayside... possibly to be recalled at a later time when it is more feasible, and possibly to be forgotten forever.

i had a minor freak out last night thinking about how much big stuff what coming up in my life. i have to graduate, have a job, finish a massive thesis paper, take on way more responsibility at my job, find not only a place that is hiring and is willing to take me but also one where i would like to work and can live off the salary. that is harder than it sounds. and it sounds hard to begin with. so i had me a little break down last night in mayhem's arms. not a big one, just an "i'm scared about what these next few months will bring" cry. and i'm pushing out the thoughts of my parents' potential move. i can't handle it so my mind is just deciding that it won't happen. i'm hoping that God is on my side with that one. as weird as this sounds, the break down helped. not so much because i felt helpless, but because mayhem was there for me. he usually is, or i call him so he can be. but this time, i finally realized something that a friend tried to tell me last week... no matter how much changes and what happens in these next few months, even if my parents move, i have to start changing my mindset. i need to think of mayhem and myself as a family unit now, instead of myself with my family. he's already the one i turn to in a crisis (unless i'm in need of some practical life-experience advice, in which case my mom is still the consultant). he's the one i'll live with next. he's the one i'll share finances with once we have money in the bank. he's the one. at the moment my parents are the ones who help with finances and who i have lived with in the past, but it will be changing in the future. mayhem is the one stable feature in my life, so i need to rely on him and not on my parents, being a student, or anything else that will or may change in the near future. and now that we are spending more weekends together (as opposed to a couple late nights and then going home, or the long distance thing before that), i am feeling more like we could live together if we had to before we got married. i'm still a little conflicted about that because i don't want to live together simply for monetary reasons, and i'm sure it would make some people in our lives less-than-thrilled. but it is ultimately our decision to make, and if we feel like it is truly the best thing, then we can choose to do so. i'm still guessing that in the end it won't happen, but what do i know.

the thought of relying on a boyfriend as the main person in my life always scared me before. i didn't want to be a stupid girl who banked everything on one person and lost it all because of that choice. i didn't want to blindly trust somebody that much who really didn't deserve that level of trust. i wanted to be able to cut myself free from the relationship with minimal damage if it turned sour. this decision to make him my primary family before marriage would undo all of that and put me in deeper than ever before. that scares me somewhat, but at the same time i know that i need to let go of all of that pretty soon anyway. i can't get married in the old mindset, and i know i can trust mayhem with my life... after all, we've been together for 6 years and he's proven that to me every single year.

some big things to think about. and i have to take one thing at a time. that's my goal for these next 6 months. i can't leap ahead of myself and i can't change things that aren't in my control. that's a big revelation for this overachiever. mayhem certainly tries his hardest to give me reality checks and remind me of those things. ok, i'm feeling so in love and happy with him that i'm going to end this now before i make you guys sick. i just feel so grateful for all the little ways that he compliments and balances me. i think i'll call and thank him, just to be sure he knows. yay!