Vortexia's Secret

after my comments on the last post, i reread it and realized, with a sick feeling in my stomach, that i really needed to clarify a few things. but first, i still thank all of you for your comments. i still appreciate them and what they brought to light for me.

i feel caged and blocked in by the situation, not by mayhem. mayhem would give me all the freedom in the world if i asked for it. of course that would make me a pretty selfish partner, but he would do that for me.

when we met, i was super-independent. i sat him down and basically just explained how it was going to be. i would go away for college whether or not we were still together, and he could either deal or get the hell out. i would experience college, and that may mean that we don't stay together, i'll just play it by ear. i'm not interested in marriage and i won't say i love anyone until i'm 100% sure, which probably means you won't hear me say it for a very long time. basically, i was a bitch. i didn't want him to change the course of my life. i was very thrown off guard when he totally complied. even more so, he agreed with me that it was a good idea. he didn't want me to go to a school nearby just for him. he didn't want me to become this settled martha homemaker woman. he didn't want to hear me say "i love you" until i had proven to myself that it was for real. he saw my spirit, and didn't want to kill it.

i started to settle down as i grew up, and when he mentioned marriage, i got used to the idea. i wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, so that was the logical solution. sadly, we are both broke and have been for years. that is the true reason we cannot get married. however, i still have a selfish streak, and i want him to snap his fingers and make it happen anyway. i feel trapped by the catch 22 of wanting to get married so much that it hurts, yet not being able to do it. watching all the deadlines we had set as optimistic students who thought we would have jobs by now just fall away.

i believe that mayhem is both comfortable and enamored with me. actually, he still acts as though he never grew out of that honeymoon "crazy in love" feeling with me. in the past, i actually had to ask him to tone things down in public because he made some of my friends who had never had a long-term boyfriend a little uncomfortable because we were couply and that didn't sit well with some of them. it was nothing outlandish, but they would freak out because he was always "touching" me... as in holding my hand, hugging me, putting his arm around the back of my chair. sheltered super-conservative girls. at any rate, some of that stuck, and we tried to avoid some of that gooey stuff when we were around people who were single or not in their couple at that time.

at any rate, this is just my perspective on things. of course i'm in the middle of it all and only have one perspective. i'm not offended that others offered their perspectives as well. i'm also sorry that i didn't explain myself better in the first post... i tend to say words in my head to fill out what i wrote on the page and not realize that what's on the page isn't the full story. if you have further comments, advice, etc please feel free to continue sharing.