Vortexia's Secret

i am probably marginally violent right now. i have too much crap to get done, and the people in my life keep messing with my priorities and messing with my head. i wish i could pinch one of those really painful nerves in their body and force them to focus on me then just say, "you know what? fuck off."

actually i did say it. several times. to mayhem. but that stupid little punk just keeps coming back. i guess that's what you do when you love somebody and you learn how to weather their occasionally volatile mood swings, and try to act like their rock in the toughest points in their life. it's this sick, twisted little messed up piece of my brain that says "push him away because if you break up it will just be the icing on the pity party cake. you would be thoroughly and completely justified in bawling to everyone who will listen that your life is wretched right now and you want to turn in your resignation to the HR department of adulthood and get the hell out."

sadly, i haven't yet found that HR department, much less seen ads that childhood is hiring. and the damn boy screws up my plans every time and allows me to vent, even if i feel like a horrible terrible person who doesn't even deserve the company of pond scum.

i am still angry. he is still being an ass. he is still frustrating me with this lack of further progress in the relationship business, especially as more and more people get married. some of them aren't even good people. they don't deserve that happy ending. ok, so that's cruel, but it makes me upset. if they are truly terrible human beings, then why can they find the person who is so in love with them that they can get married without even learning to be a decent person. i am a fantastic, kind, loving, and compassionate human being 99% of the time. and all i get is more stress, more frustration, more postponement of the one part of growing up that i actually care to pursue.

i would cry and have myself a little breakdown, but i have to pack. by myself. because mayhem only knows how to promise to help me pack, and not how to actually do it. so this is why i want to just throw the relationship over a cliff. basically because he is just like me and has no desire to pack, but i have no alternative other than to pack and he has other options and has exercised them instead. i can't exactly blame him, but i can loathe him for it until i am moved.