Wednesday, August 03, 2005
Growing pains...
i have experienced more insane emotions in this past month than i could ever believe was possible. whirlwind, rollercoaster... those don't even begin to describe it.
there have been wonderful things, and there have been awful things. people have come into my life and messed with my head. people have created a noticeable absence and made me anxious. things have happened that made me feel positive, and others made me feel defeated.
i'm sure my recent posts have reflected some of this. this is a time when i have been so thankful to have a place to put all of my thoughts. i force myself to be open, exposed, real about how things have made me feel. then once i walk away from the computer, i walk away from most of it. the pain is left on the screen, i wash it away. there have been a couple more personal things that i withheld, but i talked to people about them and got their feedback. i chose people who were stable and had personal experience to draw upon. thank you to everyone who has helped me, through IM, through emails, through comments, through it all. all of it has been so helpful.
being able to purge the bad thoughts and feelings onto the page and then just leave them there reminds me of some kind of buddhist zen practice. nonattachment maybe. the pain and trials of life on this earth attack me but don't take hold of me. i acknowledge the hard situation and how i feel about it, and i walk away.
contemplative again. noticing what may be a trend forming. if i can make it through this upcoming stressful weekend, then i'll know that i am truly learning. wait, if i can make it through the rest of this week without whining and complaining and dwelling on the stress that this weekend will bring, then i will know that i am learning. getting through the actual weekend will seal the deal.
breathe. breathe. breathe.
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The official stuff...
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