Vortexia's Secret

*warning: this is going to be a very angry, volatile, hurt rant about mayhem and me. my opinion and stance on this issue may change at any time. you are not allowed to throw this back in my face if and when happiness returns.

things are definitely on the skids with mayhem and me. i feel like the bitter old hag nagging for what i want. but i realized something last night that made me mad and him but even more angry at myself. when we first started dating, i had all the power. this is how we both grew to know this relationship and like it. he was ok with me having the power, and i, of course, loved it. i have a need to be in control of my own life. which is probably the reason why i have accomplished so much in so little time. however, somewhere along the line, probably around the time when he sold me on the idea of marriage and happily ever after, i lost the power. he put me in a position where i wanted his fantasy, too, and he was in ultimate control of whether or not it would ever happen. he no longer had to worry about whether i would say yes at that big moment when he popped the question. i was now powerless. he dangled the future over my head like a cruel pet trick where the dog never gets the reward but foolishly continues to try. he keeps claiming that it will happen as soon as x,y,z, but i think i've waited long enough. if you've seen the movie "the bachelor," we have passed the "shit or get off the pot" moment. you didn't do either, so you have a disgusting hernia to show for your efforts, and you only end up hurt. yeah, disgusting i know, but whatever.

i have tried giving him deadlines. now i am a procrastinator, but i am a functional procrastinator. i do get everything done, and i will have things done by a deadline if i have one. so after things fell apart when he set the deadline, i tried setting one. he knew that anytime after that point, if we still weren't engaged, then i may call it quits at any time and that would be that. the deadline came and went, but we were happy with our relationship and where we were, so i didn't pull the plug. but last night was the night. after realizing that i'm younger than him, but my life is more in order and i'm more of an adult than him now. after realizing that i know couples where both people are my age (or even a little younger), but they are both in the position to get engaged now, while we aren't. after realizing that he has too many things to check off the list before we could get engaged, and even more before we could get married. after realizing that everything that i have done with my life is going according to plan, but the pieces where he is involved are going more and more off course, and i don't like that. after realizing that most couples who are eager to spend the rest of their lives together see eachother more than just on the weekends, talk more than a few minutes a week on the phone, and know what is going on in each other's lives when it happens and not days afterward as an "oh yeah, by the way" kind of comment. after realizing all of this, i then realized that nothing i did to push for our future was going to work. so i just gave up. told him, no more, game over, i've waited too long for nothing, i'm out.

yet this frustrates the hell out of me for many reasons. he never got upset, and the extent of his counter argument was "come on, baby, you know i'm working to make it happen." he isn't taking me seriously anymore because he knows we always resolve these fights. (sidenote: i just discovered on my computer that he was on IM during a part of the fight when we were in our separate corners and he thought he'd let me "cool off.") it frustrates me even more because i know how much i'll be giving up if i let him go for good. other than a few minor things i can deal with, like the procrastination (i can normally handle), messiness (what guy isn't messy to some degree), and maybe a little lack of motivation without my gentle kick in the ass. other than those things, he is the total package for me. i know he loves me more than anything else in life. i know he does like the concept of marrying me, even if he's having more than a little trouble making it happen. i know he would never ever even consider being unfaithful. i know he would be by my side through anything. i know he would be a good father to our children if we decide to have kids. i know everything else is there. which is probably why he isn't getting too worked up over this fight. he knows we'll pull through. i just don't think he realizes that the timeline for that is now in my court because i'm no longer ready to marry him. i'm not convinced that it is a big priority to him anymore. and at this moment i can't see marriage as being the healthiest move for us right now. it would be done with bad feelings on both sides. that's not the kind of marriage i want. so for now, marriage is the corpse bride. buried away, but not gone forever.