Monday, January 02, 2006
And tonight I ache...
and so we enter the long stretch. no more reasons for work to give us days off for months and months to come. but i will not dwell on the sad things. instead i'll remember the good.
today. today was one of the best days i've had in a while. mayhem and i got to have a lazy day cuddling this morning, and then a nice little recap this evening with a nap. it was hard to let it all go, though. not proud to admit it, but i aggravated a fight mid-afternoon to make the pain of losing this day, this mini vacation, this time with mayhem a little bit easier. i was a jerk and blew things out of proportion, and i know it. but i was hurt. and i knew it would hurt even more if things were perfect and the night had to come to an end.
things are tough right now. a lot of things tugging away at my happiness, other things contributing to my unhappiness (seems like one and the same, but isn't really). there are so many things that have to change or come together or happen in sequential order, slowly checking off the life to-do list before what i really want happens. and any observer would tell me i'm an idiot and need to remember that life doesn't happen the way we want it to and we don't get to control it and yaddi yaddi ya. i realize that, but it doesn't mean i'm not done trying to have a little control anyway. the hardest thing is when you have to depend on other people. have to hope and pray that others do what helps life fall into place for you.
blah. garbage. i just need to focus on the positive, remember that i'm lucky in more ways than i'm unlucky. that happiness grows when you foster it, and that, in turn, makes unhappiness dwindle. but my heart still aches. still yearns for more.
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The official stuff...
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