Vortexia's Secret

i realized as i read a couple particularly painful year end recaps, that looking back is a bad idea. don't look back, just look forward. or one day at a time. doesn't really matter, but inevitably when you look back you find all that pain you thought you left behind. the people who hurt you, the people who died, the accomplishments of others that caused bittersweet joy because you watched that milestone pass you by yet again. i know, i've been on a sad, somewhat depressing kick. this is where i'm trying to work it out. i ignore it in my day-to-day life, but i release some of the demons here. let them see the light of day and watch them wither. if you don't talk about it, you can't work through it. if you don't admit and acknowledge it, then all of it continues to lurk in the shadows, waiting to pounce when it can catch you unaware and unguarded. talking about it doesn't prevent that, but it helps.

i don't know what the happy solution is. too much reality will kill you inside. realizing that everbody who means the world to you will die. that will kill you. realizing that you will grow old and stop functioning in the manner that currently maintains your sense of self and dignity. that will kill you. too much reality will send you over the edge, or into a nicely padded room where your visitors carry syringes of poison that make you forget.

i realize i sound pretty messed up today. just consider it shock therapy on paper. i never understood what people meant by the phrase "reality kills," but looking at the most gruesome of realities all at once is a pretty horrible thing.

i'm going to go to bed now, and wake up tomorrow, and not think about the realities anymore. i'm going to live the moment by moment that must be lived to get through the day. i'm going to keep busy the way life requires. i'm going to realize one day, years down the road, that i've been too busy to think the dark thoughts, to consider reality, to feel the panic set in about how cruel life can be. there was definitely something about today, the 2nd day of 2006 that made me think about all those things we avoid. but this too shall pass.