Vortexia's Secret

this has been a good weekend. it has definitely made me smile. and while i wish it could last forever, it has seemed better and longer than most weekends, so i will feel satisfied rather than dissappointed when the night draws to an end and i must go to sleep knowing that i will wake up to another monday.

after weeks and weeks of being in a funk and agonizing over if and when mayhem and i should call it quits, we have struggled up the hill and conquered enough demons to feel like we're on steady ground again. this may be part of why my writing has been so sparse lately. i hate baring too much of the bad because i fear that i'll start getting an onslaught of "dump him" comments. it's so easy for outsiders to decide i'd be better off without him, but he's a part of me. there was nothing really remarkable that happened this weekend to bring us back into the good time. i think we had just finally reached that point. he broke through some of my barriers, and i let down some of my guard. i trust easily, but i also put up my shields easily too. it's hard to recover after breaking my trust, even if it's just a little bit. mayhem never cheated, he never abused me, he never did any of that horrendous stuff, just to clear the air. he did hurt me emotionally, though. he had started to take me for granted and spout off at the mouth a little to quickly. i remembered the old days when it was physically impossible for him to get upset with me and wondered what could have gone so wrong. in reality, i'm sure a happy medium is the healthiest. it's dangerous to know you can do no wrong... that's almost too much freedom for a human to have. but i can't be with somebody who gets upset with me easily, either. that was a part of my childhood that i'm glad is in the past. i couldn't handle it then. i'm a crybaby.

at any rate, we are doing much better now. i'm reminded of the man i fell in love with. the man i would consider marrying. and i think he is seeing that in me again as well. i'm happier, lighter, able to joke and just be with him. the most remarkable things are really so ordinary. they are things that anybody else can do, but it means nothing coming from them and everything coming from the one you love. like when i wake up hungry and mayhem braves the cold apartment and freezing floors and fixes me toast to have in breakfast so i can stay warm. anybody can fix toast. anybody can hand it to you. but it's more than that when it comes from him. just like hugs. anybody off the street could give you a hug, but it's not going to mean the same thing or feel the same way as that one person you love the most hugging you. the love, the history, the certain way they wrap their arms aroud you.

so before i make anybody nauseous, i will wrap up this entry. this weekend was incredible. i got to spend more time with mayhem than i have in ages, and it reminded me how much fun we have together. things are going much better again, and i certainly hope will stay better. i thank all of you for being supportive and helping me along this journey. now i'm off to soak in some bubbles!