Vortexia's Secret

...but tonight i wanna cry....

i'm overwhelmed. plain and simple. reality sets in, and i feel overwhelmed and underqualified to lead my life.

how can you know for certain that the person you're with is the one you are meant to spend the rest of your life with? i mean sure, you have the feeling of love, a level of comfort, believe you can get along with the other person under one roof without killing them, and all the other typical things for somebody you're dating seriously. but how does that translate beyond the dating level for that one person to become till death do us part? any insight from those who have crossed over is welcome.

one of my big causes of anxiety is that i will start to think in detail about the future. i think we typically consider the future in broad happy pictures, which is how we survive the day and find the will to try it again the next day. but i'll try to slow down the pictures and hone in on the specifics, to really and truly picture what reality might be like. it usually is pretty frightening. like picturing myself as a mother seems fine and dandy for the distant-future me, until i start picturing the reality of what my life will be. my body stretching out of control and the possibility of horrific morning sickness during pregnancy. having this infant that is 100% dependent upon me (and my husband of course). being trusted to make all the decisions and judgment calls for the wee one, and holding its life in the balance. that one night it cries and i write it off as gas or separation issues, is that the one night the baby truly needed me to be there and take it seriously? but teenage years scare me even more. i was a fairly good kid, so i don't even have a clue what i'd do if i raised a terror, other than cry myself to sleep and probably consider how wrong it would be to drop the kid off at the pound because it needed more help than i could offer. then i'd cry even more because that only works with screw-up animals (who are also easier to handle).

see, the devil really is in the details. of course it's also in the broad brush strokes that lull you into this false sense of security and accomplishment so before you can blink you're in the thick of things.