Vortexia's Secret

i find this really funny... "Users of alcohol-endorsed Evite designs must be of legal drinking age." seriously. if you want to use one of the ones with a picture of an alcoholic drink on it, it says that at the bottom.

i have things that need to get done today, but i don't feel like it. i guess that's why you feel like you have to do them in the first place. if you wanted to do it then you'd feel like it was something you got to do.  but first, some fun:

Women's underwear terminology:

i just decided that i want to do a short educational piece on women's underwear terminology. i've noticed lately that not all men have a good handle on it. many have a drool reaction similar to pavlov's dogs when you say the word "thong" (not in conjunction with male thongs, which we all know are disturbing), but don't know much beyond that. here's your mini lesson:

first a few notes about women's underwear.  you can often tell a woman's general mood by her underwear.  if she is wearing unattractive undies, she may tend to feel less attractive, which may lead directly to more grumpiness, crankiness, and irritability.  this is somewhat of a reciprocal relationship, however, because the woman's mood may determine the underwear she selects for the day, or she may be put in that mood due to the underwear's frumpiness or sexiness factor.  for some women, this relationship is a positive line (think line graphs here with largest undies on the left to smallest undies on the right), but for other women it is more of a bell curve.  most women do not feel their best in granny panties, but not all women feel their best in thongs, either.  for those who feel their sexiest in a good thong, then the line goes upward.  for those who hate wearing thongs, the bell curve applies-- they aren't happy in their grannies, but they aren't happy with a thong up their ass either.

in general, women do not like to have their underwear referred to as "panties."  at least most women i know don't.  the reasons vary from feeling like panties are what children wear to finding the word, well...., just weird.  you'll notice that things we don't like are referred to with panty (granny panty, panty lines).  one final caveat: you should not assume too much about a woman and her sexuality (not sexual preference, but desire for sexual contact, etc) just based on her underwear.  i know women who are not even considering sex yet but wear thongs as their daily wear, and i also know women who have sex regularly but prefer the larger style underwear.  it's personal preference.  and now, for the types.

granny panty: the largest breed of female underwear.  may resemble a double lined tent and usually signals that there should be no sexual contact, either due to severe prudery or that time of the month.  closest male counterpart: the brief.
bikini: the smaller, more compact, more feminine style of underwear.  still covers everything, but fits a bit nicer.  may be a woman's every day wear if she is not caught up in panty lines and being prepared for whatever may come along at all times.  closest male counterpart: the bikini brief.
string bikini: more compact still.  sort of the compact car of underwear.  everything remains covered, but the sides are a thin piece of fabric.  adds a bit of femininity and sexiness to the everyday casual.  again, may be every day wear.  closest male counterpart: the string bikini (i know, really creative).
thong: the motorcycle of underwear.  small, covers only the most necessary areas, and can squeeze in just about anywhere... literally.  generally worn to avoid panty lines or make men drool.  sometimes worn by the positive line woman as a pick-me-up on a day when she feels not-so-sexy.  closest male counterpart: the (eww) male thong.

rarer breeds of underwear:
reinforcers: these underwear double as a cheaper alternative to liposuction.  they are actually larger than granny panties, but usually constrict movement, breathing, eating, and (their intended purpose) fat.  some varieties squish the tummy flatter, others squish the thighs skinnier, and still others attempt to lift the buttocks into a j-lo imitation.  no male counterpart known.
crotchless: these underwear are rarely worn for everyday use.  often purchased for bachelorette parties, lingerie parties, or gag gifts, but may also be worn by strippers, prostitutes, or for dress up/roleplay between two consenting adults.  the idea behind the design is obviously for quick access.  closest male (and female) counterpart: going commando.

one last quick thought on survival.  never assume that the woman's underwear is a pair of granny panties.  even if you see them laying on the floor completely covering the throw rug that is cowering beneath them.  women are usually quite embarrassed of their granny panties, but may find them to be a necessity for one reason or another.  therefore, never call her on them, unless you are looking for a way out of intimacy... or having a civil conversation, or anything else that is generally considered a "good thing" in a relationship.  it's suicide.  even more dangerous is if you mistake a pair of bikinis for granny panties.  that will most likely lead to a sobbing discussion of her weight and attractiveness (or feeling the lack thereof).  never a good thing.  i'm trying to save you guys, so play it smart. 

P.S. Keep them in your prayers.