Thursday, May 25, 2006


so what are your plans for the weekend? something great i assume? me? yeah, i wish i could tell you. i have plans but then again i don't. i hope i'm not staying in a cardboard box under the freeway. i'm going to try very hard not to get violently pissy with mayhem and the other people in charge of this weekend, but i can make no guarantees.

i'm pretty upset that it's thursday night and i still can't pack for a trip where i'm supposed to leave from work tomorrow because i don't know if it will happen.

i'll try not to hurt somebody because of this mess. screw 'em all. no wonder i have trouble trusting others to take care of things for me.


Sunday, May 21, 2006

Slimming down... 

so i had to trim down my VS models list because there were several dead links. if i got rid of your link, it's because either you stated you were shutting down or you haven't posted in a couple months or more. if you restart, please send me an email so i can relink you. i miss all of you bloggers who have left us and i'd be more than happy to activate your link again if you decide to rejoin the blogging world. love you guys!

one of these days i'll do the same and weed through all the other links, but today is not that day.



i had some seriously weird dreams last night. all of the dreams had taken little bits from the day before, so it wasn't until i was up for about an hour or so that i realized that some of the smaller parts were not real. for example, in my dream, i had taken home with me some makeup i found earlier in the day. actually, i think in my dream i had gotten a purse i looked at too. it wasn't until i started thinking about where i put the makeup and purse that i realized that neither came home with me. it was just a dream.

this has been a pretty good weekend. and i have high hopes for tomorrow to be a good weekend too. hopefully may will turn out better than anticipated. more later loves...


Friday, May 19, 2006


why do i fall so easily for hot guys?? i can't help it. that flirt switch turns on, and i can't help myself. i start flirting away. i feel my heart and my head thinking "holy hell he's after me!" i find it harder to correct them that i'm taken and they should feel free to spend their efforts on other women. i don't get to the point where they offer or ask for a number, but still... why do they get to me so easily?!

i'm glad the week is over. i feel like doing something naughty this weekend. i don't know what it will be yet, but i just want to be bad.

but now i think i'll let the vino take over. my mind is feeling a little fuzzy now...


Thursday, May 18, 2006


...but tonight i wanna cry....

i'm overwhelmed. plain and simple. reality sets in, and i feel overwhelmed and underqualified to lead my life.

how can you know for certain that the person you're with is the one you are meant to spend the rest of your life with? i mean sure, you have the feeling of love, a level of comfort, believe you can get along with the other person under one roof without killing them, and all the other typical things for somebody you're dating seriously. but how does that translate beyond the dating level for that one person to become till death do us part? any insight from those who have crossed over is welcome.

one of my big causes of anxiety is that i will start to think in detail about the future. i think we typically consider the future in broad happy pictures, which is how we survive the day and find the will to try it again the next day. but i'll try to slow down the pictures and hone in on the specifics, to really and truly picture what reality might be like. it usually is pretty frightening. like picturing myself as a mother seems fine and dandy for the distant-future me, until i start picturing the reality of what my life will be. my body stretching out of control and the possibility of horrific morning sickness during pregnancy. having this infant that is 100% dependent upon me (and my husband of course). being trusted to make all the decisions and judgment calls for the wee one, and holding its life in the balance. that one night it cries and i write it off as gas or separation issues, is that the one night the baby truly needed me to be there and take it seriously? but teenage years scare me even more. i was a fairly good kid, so i don't even have a clue what i'd do if i raised a terror, other than cry myself to sleep and probably consider how wrong it would be to drop the kid off at the pound because it needed more help than i could offer. then i'd cry even more because that only works with screw-up animals (who are also easier to handle).

see, the devil really is in the details. of course it's also in the broad brush strokes that lull you into this false sense of security and accomplishment so before you can blink you're in the thick of things.


Sunday, May 14, 2006

Happy mother's day... 

happy mothers day to all the wonderful mothers of the world.

i'm exhausted. i'm watching a gilmore girls marathon, or actually the first 30 minutes of one of the episodes in the marathon. then i'm going to drag my exhausted butt over to my parents' house to celebrate mother's day and try my hardest to act like i'm awake and energetic.

on the upside, this seemed like a fairly long weekend. that was nice since they usually seem way too short.

ok, more later. i need a quick nap.


Tuesday, May 09, 2006

SVU of course... 

you know it's going to be a rough week when you feel ready to throw in the towel on tuesday. i'm bitter and pissy. at least i paid my electric bill. i got nothing for most of you. so on to my required tuesday rehash...

livia, quick little SVU talk. you know discussing the asian guy is a must. i had another moment of insecurity that i had completely missed the boat this week. they were opening up more of asian guy's story, but when they called him by his last name it was..... morales! that's usually a hispanic name! i just don't get it. i think i need to call them and schedule a counseling appointment with morales (since i'm sure he's the one who would have that license hanging on his wall) and have him help me sort all this out. maybe he could give me his job description and a copy of his degrees so i know what all he does for SVU, along with a family tree so i better understand his heritage. i wonder how many other people who watch SVU get confused by him.


Sunday, May 07, 2006

Gas ass... 

what a weird weekend. parts were good. i got to drink some yummy drinks and eat some yummy food. i saw some people i've missed.

then i had a really weird dream last night. it reminded me of one of those dreams from the bible where god was delivering a message or something. in the dream i was told that to have the children i wanted i needed to be kind, gentle, and nurturing. then i was given a cut flower and told to make it grow. i put it in the slats of a picnic table, but then i took it out and planted it in the ground. then i had to practice horrible music exercises until i learned patience and could do them perfectly. a very weird dream.

yet the low of the weekend was definitely when i had to pay my boyfriend to run errands with me because he was driving. what an ass. it's 15% the price of gas and 85% of my boyfriend being a jerk. the real kicker? this morning he casually asked if i'd marry him. not an actual proposal or anything, but nevertheless he brought it up. i know it's probably not something that would even cross a guy's mind to put the two together, but it sure bothered me.


Wednesday, May 03, 2006


i'm exhausted. there's a sex and the city rerun on tonight, and their analysis of relationships is even making me exhausted. or more exhausted.

i think this week may kick my ass. i just wanted mayhem to come over and cuddle up with me and kiss me tonight. but i didn't get to see him.

thanks for all the sweet comments on my last post.

i met a new person at work today (not a new coworker, just somebody who stopped by). she made the weirdest comment to me, though, and then i think regretted making things so awkward. she said something or another about how she hoped i would find the one someday, then got this weird look in her eye like she just realized she was pulling out the comment typically used for 60 year old still-single spinsters.... i couldn't help but pull the upper hand, so i just gracefully ended the conversation by handing her one of her feet to put in her mouth. i just told her, i already have, but thank you.

ok, so now i guess it's time to go to sleep. or to get distracted from going to bed and realize that i'm no longer tired because i wired myself up again.

oh yeah and there was one extremely bizarre conversation at work the other day, but i don't know if i can share or not. might be a bit too revealing. needless to say, though, i like feeling comfortable with myself and my decisions. and i'm glad we live in a world where we can make our own decisions, even (and especially) the women.


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