Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Nasty fast food, silly me...
i'm tired of eating like crap, yet i do it religiously. the past couple weeks was straight eating out. burgers, fried crap, the same genres of fast food multiple times in the same couple weeks. then i had to go buy the whole damn sugar aisle from the grocery store. it's left me feeling nasty. even if it doesn't make you fat, it makes you feel less healthy. so much for my thought of taking better care of myself. but i haven't eaten out yet this week and have finished the last of my leftovers (so technically tomorrow will be the first time that i don't have restaurant food). i have something in mind to cook (yes i said COOK!) as long as mayhem doesn't spoil my plan. he knows i hate to cook, so he tries to bring food sometimes, which is usually great and very sweet. but i gotta have a break from take out and fast food.
anyway, enough of that. i can't quite figure out what i want to do now. i could go to bed really early. i could curl up with a book. can't curl up with mayhem or rock, unfortunately. guys seem to have the worst timing sometimes. i'm kinda ready for the weekend again. i could drink some wine and call somebody all silly (it's not drunk dialing if you're not drunk and it's a week night). maybe i made up the week night rule, but i wouldn't be drunk. anyway, i think i might try a little curl up in bed with a book and see if i decide to read or sleep. i know, what a lame transition into adulthood. i'm finally starting to understand people who want to go to bed early because it's a luxury. besides, it'll get me rested for tomorrow when i do get to see mayhem. oh yes, i said it. rawr! who's jealous?!
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Monday, January 30, 2006
Scary...
there are some very scary things about growing up that i never want to face. your parents growing older. most everything about age... losing people you love, debilitating diseases, change, people moving away because they're retiring or growing up and taking new offers.
these aren't things i normally think about or dwell on, but i've seen shows lately that have made me think about those things. they're meant to be touching, but instead it's heart wrenching because it makes me think that one day people i know and love could actually have to endure those things. i love the people in my life so much that it hurts me just to think about something horrible happening to them.
but now i've come off my sugar high and would like to curl up on the couch.
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Productive again....
did i mention how freaky it is that everybody on seventh heaven has the identical piercing blue eyes? freaky clone world. and that midget ruthy kid is such a damn brat. as are most of the other people, but i digress. i guess this show is my weekly punishment to myself, since i hate the show yet must watch.
so i've been productive lately, which has been great. it's given me more energy to keep going, so then i get more done. and because i had enough energy to get to the store, i bought a bunch of sugary stuff i shouldn't eat.
hmmm.... i think it's time to eat again. maybe something a little less sugary. and then definitely brush my teeth. scrape off the sugar. mmmm. ooh, which reminds me, this was the day of disgusting conversations. just as i started eating lunch, i overheard a conversation about somebody's disgusting toenail that they said looked like it was so blackened that it was going to fall off if it was touched. i had to start doing the heavy breathing, concentrate on something else act to not lose my lunch, literally. then as i was about to launch into my sugar craze, i heard about a friend who did literally lose their lunch at work. there was some great detail about how the tie got caught in the puke and all kinds of stuff i didn't need to hear. so yet again, i had to hold off on my food until that thought was pushed out of my head.
yeah, anyway.... fun stuff. more laters! off to make the most of my sugar high.
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Sunday, January 29, 2006
Decisions...
it's been a pretty good day. i got to sleep in. i enjoyed my cutsie little purse. i got some errands done. i'm currently enjoying a little wine and the wonderful feeling of finally having smooth waxed eyebrows. i woke up with memories of a fun night. my future looks bright (knock on wood). i was momentarily brought down by the heavy grown up thoughts of worrying about the future. but then i put that behind me. i'm young, and i can still have fun. life's all about compromise, right? so i can compromise some of that too. i can be grown up and responsible, but also avoid getting a stick up my ass attitude.
i have decided that, in true grown up form, i will be responsible by working on my apartment and cleaning and saving money. but i will also be youthful in taking life a little more lightly and having fun and taking the crazy less-responsible options a little more often. i don't think i'm distinctly one or the other right now, but i have a feeling that i could tip the scales into boring life if i'm not careful. so i'll be careful to be less careful, right? haha.
p.s. why does wine give me a nice little buzz after just a little, but with anything else i can drink a lot lot more with much less results? i wonder if it's those "good for you antioxidants" that make my mind visit la la land. kinda cool if that's it.
off to enjoy my happy little buzz in my happy little apartment.
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Monday, January 23, 2006
The rant is back...
oh yeah. damn. i need to remember to focus when i open this page with plans to write. i always end up finding it as i'm closing all the windows to go to bed at night, with nothing written.
thing is, it's harder for me to remember all the little things i want to write about during the day. i mean, there are a million of those little annoyances and other things i used to rant about. but by the time i get down to writing, i can't remember a thing. and it's really bugging me now because i know there was something really good.
hmmmmmm, something. people made me laugh today and other people made me feel uncomfortable. i'm sleepy. the news is saying stuff about how people are depressed after the holidays, and then they go into all this crap about weight loss and obesity and the weight loss pill... i'm thinking there must be a connection. when the news is telling you that you're fat, you got to feel a little down.
i don't like the idea of being one of those child haters, but my neighbor has a little kid and must have shared custody with the daddy. they have the same basic problem that makes me feel guilty about those feelings of child hatred. ok, they think their kid is cute. they enjoy his rambunctious yelling late at night. i, on the other hand, hear all of it too, and think "shut the fuck up, shouldn't that damn kid be in bed by now?! it's MY bedtime, and i've got 20 years on that punk! be a decent parent and get his ass to bed!" right now, for example, this kid is having custody time with daddy on my front porch. door wide open, kid running around in the open, at night, with mommy who knows where (my proof being that the kid has been hollering for mom for the past 5 minutes with no response). now the kid is running up and down the corridor and squealing.... could be because daddy is playing, could be because somebody is about to run over him with a car, could be because mr. child molester is hunting him down. i do realize that i will be a very paranoid parent if i ever have kids with my thinking like this. i also realize that i'm the bitchy neighbor. and when i checked out the scene through my peephole, i thought.... i could easily have opened my door, snagged the kid, and had the parents wondering WTF for a long time before they realized they couldn't find the kid because he'd been snatched. that's a sign of bad parenting to me. and of my warped mind, even considering how to "teach them a lesson" in a way that could have landed me in jail and given them a heart attack. (know OF COURSE that i would never dream of doing that, even if i was best friends with these people.) yeah, so rant of the night.... i hate bad parents and stupid people.
the end. good night. adios. alveiderzaid. ciao.
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Saturday, January 21, 2006
Happy moment...
so things have been going my way lately. not to jinx it or anything, but so far it's been pretty nice. i've gotten some gifties, some goodies (i spent too much money, but i'm enjoying the fun stuff), and been treated lovely. plus work has gotten a little less insane. this weekend i also did very little, slept, and pampered myself. can't get much better than that, unless the weekend was longer.
but since it isn't and i got sidetracked by stupid crap on the computer, it's now time for me to say goodnight. sweet dreams, my loves!
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Wednesday, January 18, 2006
Hot man, stupid bitch...
i have a serious weakness for men in uniform. i saw a hot guy in uniform today and got weak in the knees. i imagined tackling him down to the ground and introducing myself on a much more personal level. it sounded absolutely delicious, but instead i just flashed him my finest "damn, i want you" smile.
ok, a little bone to pick. i flipped over to this replay of the oprah show on the woman who lost her husband on the cruise ship. maybe she killed him, maybe somebody else did, maybe it was an accident. i started out thinking she was a liar. then i started to believe her because she seemed sincere. then she started picking and harping to d-e-a-t-h trivial little shit with the president of royal carribean. she started bitching and rehashing shit. she asked about a dozen times that he just apologize that they screwed up, didn't do enough, etc etc. hi, this coming from the woman who a few million people believe killed her husband? you screwed up too. and every time he tried to state what they did do (and save their cruise line's ass PR-wise) after doing what she asked, she started right at square one. i apologize if there was confusion, but we did do this.... to her that was like he never apologized verbatim the words she said she wanted to hear him say. good lord, you're trying to get the world to believe you aren't the argumentative type, and this is how you prove it?! you wasted about 45 minutes of the oprah show busting this guy's ass, and it was 100% shit she could have talked about off the air with him. none of it was quality tv or even sensationalist tv. it was annoying bitch with a microphone tv. nothing was enough. and she tried to pin the fault on the cruise ship. i don't know, just an hour of my life that i want back now.
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Sunday, January 15, 2006
What's new...
what's new...
- my computer seems to be fixed.
- i've surrendered to the powers of the girly girl empire. i bought clothing last weekend, shoes this weekend, and have an overwhelming desire to go out right now to purchase perfumes, purses, bath products, (more) shoes, (more) clothing, and pay strangers to pamper my hands and feet.
- i briefly turned domestic... fixing food, sharing the kitchen with mayhem as he helped me, thinking of ways to organize and decorate. this urge soon passed.
- i dressed to kill a couple days in a row. both days, my boobs got more attention than a celebrity streaking through a baptist convention. both days i got exceptionally good service when i went out, a surplus of compliments, a huge surge of confidence, and everybody being extra nice to me.
- i momentarily thought i could handle motherhood should it ever be required of me.
- i got the urge to run away on a caribbean vacation, never to return.
- i nearly had a meltdown at work, but recovered beautifully.
- i felt a small wave of relief at work, but it was accompanied by another small wave of uncertainty and maybe even fear.
- i received an energy bill that nearly made me faint, and made me pledge that i would freeze myself and do all activities in the dark. shortly afterward, i forced my frozen body to emerge from the mound of blankets and run over to the thermostat because the misery wasn't worth the savings.
- i had a bonus period (had one when i wasn't supposed to), which all the girls know is a very horribly evil joke of nature and karma colluding to make your life utterly miserable.
- i briefly got on a fruit kick.
- i know have fruit that is probably rotting in my crisper drawer.
- i saw friends, i saw family; i felt grateful for both, and i felt grateful for my independence and ability to leave at night's end.
my life in a nutshell. so much and yet so little has happened lately. off to be pampered...
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Tuesday, January 10, 2006
Lazy is the new black...
so i haven't been doing the computer thing as much lately. it used to be fun, my escape, almost my addiction. now it can be just one more thing i have to do. now it's something where sometimes i can't wait to check for messages, write you guys, and check for interesting news, and othertimes i just look at my beloved laptop and go "ehhh, not now." interesting how things change.
sleep is a bigger priority now. snuggling under a blanket as i watch tv and doze is a bigger priority now. thoughts of grandeur thinking that i'll actually curl up and read for a couple hours fool myself into deciding not to crack open the laptop that night. laziness in general, i suppose, has become the new priority. and that's ok with me.
don't get me wrong... i love you guys. i love writing for you and even more when i get responses back. but the computer is kind of like pandora's box. once i open it to write a simple entry and check for responses, then i have to check email and a hundred other things. individually they're all quick, but it adds up to a time consuming process. blah.
anyway, know that i love you and i'm still here. not getting rid of me that easily!!! hugs and kisses, loves!
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Saturday, January 07, 2006
Whisper of a dream...
i've had weird dreams lately. i don't always remember them, but sometimes things will trigger small memories.
like tonight as i took a shower i remembered a dream where i had been putting up my shower curtain and missed a ring. i know there was more to it, but that's all i remember of it.
or another dream the other night, a horrible dream, where both my mother and my aunt told me that they had been cheating on my dad and uncle for years now.
and another one last night that was just triggered as i started writing this, but i've already forgotten again. i think it must have had something to do with food... i've been craving something lately that i just can't quite name.
i guess that's it for now.
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Thursday, January 05, 2006
Observations of the night...
sign that i was tired and needed to leave work earlier than i did: i came home and decided i was going to have some popcorn, so i pulled out a package and actually started reading the instructions for how to cook the popcorn. part way through, just as i was getting frustrated that i couldn't find the time for how long to cook it, i realized that it was popcorn. you throw it in there, set the time for whatever, and take it out after a couple minutes.
surprising factoid of the night: turns out that about 8:30 in the pm on a work night is the prime time for activity at my complex. there was hustle and bustle everywhere i turned. cars to the left, to the right, in front, and coming toward me. people walking, people running, and people biking. one guy walking in the dark in all black, thankfully to the left of my car because he was in my blind spot turning, and i definitely would have come too close to comfort for a near collision with his shins.
my new rule to curb stupidity: you have to be able to park the vehicle before you're allowed to buy it. there was a brand spanking new super-large suv, i think probably a suburban from the sheer size of the beast, that i dealt with tonight. this fucking thing was sooo new that the dealer tags were actually from 2 days into the future. so anyway, i'm already driving right behind this slow behemoth, when suddenly, rrrrrrr! he sees a parking space he wants. one that he's already partly passed. so on go the reverse lights. my hand covers the horn in preparation. he backs up nearly to my bumper. puts it in drive, and tries to turn into the space. doesn't make it. sits there for multiple minutes, literally. nearly runs over a girl running behind him, trying to squeeze between his crazy ass and the parked cars and run faster than he can back up to avoid getting crushed. keep in mind now that he is on a rounded corner, so he has waaaaay more space in which to do these maneuvers. he has twice as much space behind him, and space around either side of this corner. yet after he sits there and sits there, he has to back up not once, but twice more. finally at that point i can squeeze by him in a part of his maneuver where i feel reasonably confident that he won't reverse into me. now if you can't make that space, you shouldn't be driving that car anywhere that you can't valet and let somebody else park it. put that purchase down in the books as a stupid purchase.
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Wednesday, January 04, 2006
Fuzzy...
i'm hungry. i have a headache. but things are alright.
i know i seemed all morbid and depressing earlier, but like i said, it was just a funk of thinking way too much.
i'm sick of always having stuff to do. during the week it's everything at work. on the weekends it's the to-do list and the bills and things i need to buy. it's never ending. christmas made it worse. the new year brought on a ton more stuff that had to get done. sheesh, it's even gotten so bad that last night i had to calm myself down as i tried to decide what to eat for dinner. there were too many choices, and what i wanted to eat was different from what i needed to eat before it went bad. i had to calm myself down and remember that the only thing that was important was that i did eat. something. anything. didn't matter.
mayhem was going to come over tonight. all i know is that he better get here fast before i crash for the night. ok, still hungry, going to eat more.
i'm really doing ok... my brain is just too tired to function at the moment. back with some dazzling conversation pieces soon!
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Monday, January 02, 2006
Recaps...
i realized as i read a couple particularly painful year end recaps, that looking back is a bad idea. don't look back, just look forward. or one day at a time. doesn't really matter, but inevitably when you look back you find all that pain you thought you left behind. the people who hurt you, the people who died, the accomplishments of others that caused bittersweet joy because you watched that milestone pass you by yet again. i know, i've been on a sad, somewhat depressing kick. this is where i'm trying to work it out. i ignore it in my day-to-day life, but i release some of the demons here. let them see the light of day and watch them wither. if you don't talk about it, you can't work through it. if you don't admit and acknowledge it, then all of it continues to lurk in the shadows, waiting to pounce when it can catch you unaware and unguarded. talking about it doesn't prevent that, but it helps.
i don't know what the happy solution is. too much reality will kill you inside. realizing that everbody who means the world to you will die. that will kill you. realizing that you will grow old and stop functioning in the manner that currently maintains your sense of self and dignity. that will kill you. too much reality will send you over the edge, or into a nicely padded room where your visitors carry syringes of poison that make you forget.
i realize i sound pretty messed up today. just consider it shock therapy on paper. i never understood what people meant by the phrase "reality kills," but looking at the most gruesome of realities all at once is a pretty horrible thing.
i'm going to go to bed now, and wake up tomorrow, and not think about the realities anymore. i'm going to live the moment by moment that must be lived to get through the day. i'm going to keep busy the way life requires. i'm going to realize one day, years down the road, that i've been too busy to think the dark thoughts, to consider reality, to feel the panic set in about how cruel life can be. there was definitely something about today, the 2nd day of 2006 that made me think about all those things we avoid. but this too shall pass.
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And tonight I ache...
and so we enter the long stretch. no more reasons for work to give us days off for months and months to come. but i will not dwell on the sad things. instead i'll remember the good.
today. today was one of the best days i've had in a while. mayhem and i got to have a lazy day cuddling this morning, and then a nice little recap this evening with a nap. it was hard to let it all go, though. not proud to admit it, but i aggravated a fight mid-afternoon to make the pain of losing this day, this mini vacation, this time with mayhem a little bit easier. i was a jerk and blew things out of proportion, and i know it. but i was hurt. and i knew it would hurt even more if things were perfect and the night had to come to an end.
things are tough right now. a lot of things tugging away at my happiness, other things contributing to my unhappiness (seems like one and the same, but isn't really). there are so many things that have to change or come together or happen in sequential order, slowly checking off the life to-do list before what i really want happens. and any observer would tell me i'm an idiot and need to remember that life doesn't happen the way we want it to and we don't get to control it and yaddi yaddi ya. i realize that, but it doesn't mean i'm not done trying to have a little control anyway. the hardest thing is when you have to depend on other people. have to hope and pray that others do what helps life fall into place for you.
blah. garbage. i just need to focus on the positive, remember that i'm lucky in more ways than i'm unlucky. that happiness grows when you foster it, and that, in turn, makes unhappiness dwindle. but my heart still aches. still yearns for more.
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The official stuff...
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