Saturday, August 27, 2005

Enough is enough... 

i'm so stressed and nervous today that i think i'm going to be sick. and i may spontaneously cry. i don't want to grow up. i don't want to deal with any more of this stress i'm going through. no more being an adult, holding my chin up, and trying to take it all in stride. no more pretending. everything is not alright. i am S-T-R-E-S-S-E-D.

i know i'll deal with it and come out of it ok, but i am just not there yet. i'll be back once i have regular internet again. unless i can find an open wireless signal to borrow.


Friday, August 26, 2005

Still alive... 

i am SOOOOOOOOOO sorry to all my loyal readers. bad bad blogger girl!

i have been gone and unable to even sit for 10 minutes at a time. (not due to a medical condition.)

this has been such a crazy hectic week. i have been out of town. i have been running around like crazy. this is my 2 hour window in which i will have internet. after that i will not have any internet access until after labor day.

so what's been up.... i have probably made more life-altering decisions this week than in the rest of my life. i'll be making a lot of changes.

there have been a lot of ups and downs. happy choices, sad events, less-than-perfect compromises.

i know this is a pretty shitty post, but i will try to fill in all the gaps in this mysterious hole in my blog life once i get regular internet again.

i hate that i can't be keeping up with your lives and that i can't keep you guys updated. i miss you all. please PLEASE do not disappear on me. i swear i will be back and better than ever.

so since food is always important to me... i have been thriving on coffee, cherry coke, mexican food, pizza, pasta, more pizza, and cookies.

oh, random... apparently looking stressed agrees with me. i have had more guys hit on me this week than i have in ages.

i loved all the interesting answers to the board game questions. so a new question... since summer is drawing to an end, we'll have a summer related question. what was your favorite summer activity from childhood? i know it's hard to pick just one, but i loved both swimming and our summer family vacation. swimming was so much fun, but the vacations were always such fun. of course the driving sucked, but we usually went somewhere fun. thankfully, we didn't have any of those historical learning trips. anyway, it was fun. and i was a little fish in the swimming pool. so what about you guys?

i will return soon. hang in just a little bit longer and i promise to give many many more posts and fill you in about everything. hugs! love you guys! :)


Sunday, August 21, 2005

Beloved big one... 

what was your favorite childhood game?

i absolutely loved the "hungry hungry hippo" game. in fact, i liked it so much that i am probably one of the only women in the world who does not get offended when her beloved calls her a hungry hippo. he has been warned that if i ever get pregnant (if it is accompanied with mood swings and insecurity, which it probably will) then he may have to lay off what i now find cute if he wants to save his testicles from my hormonal revenge. but for now, i think it is cute and endearing, and we both are fully aware that i could not even remotely resemble a hippo.

so i just randomly remembered the game and my brightly colored hippos and decided to google it. so now i have a question for you. who wants to buy me this t-shirt and experience the extremely crazy happiness that will ensue in my life as i proudly wear my new favorite shirt? (i told you it was the little things that make me happy. i'm just a step away from being distracted out of a fight by the waving of a cutesie pen in my face.)

so without further ado, here is the shirt i love from the game that i love.

purchase it here, women's size small please. thank you and i love you so much in advance.


Saturday, August 20, 2005

Drama queen evening... 

i am probably marginally violent right now. i have too much crap to get done, and the people in my life keep messing with my priorities and messing with my head. i wish i could pinch one of those really painful nerves in their body and force them to focus on me then just say, "you know what? fuck off."

actually i did say it. several times. to mayhem. but that stupid little punk just keeps coming back. i guess that's what you do when you love somebody and you learn how to weather their occasionally volatile mood swings, and try to act like their rock in the toughest points in their life. it's this sick, twisted little messed up piece of my brain that says "push him away because if you break up it will just be the icing on the pity party cake. you would be thoroughly and completely justified in bawling to everyone who will listen that your life is wretched right now and you want to turn in your resignation to the HR department of adulthood and get the hell out."

sadly, i haven't yet found that HR department, much less seen ads that childhood is hiring. and the damn boy screws up my plans every time and allows me to vent, even if i feel like a horrible terrible person who doesn't even deserve the company of pond scum.

i am still angry. he is still being an ass. he is still frustrating me with this lack of further progress in the relationship business, especially as more and more people get married. some of them aren't even good people. they don't deserve that happy ending. ok, so that's cruel, but it makes me upset. if they are truly terrible human beings, then why can they find the person who is so in love with them that they can get married without even learning to be a decent person. i am a fantastic, kind, loving, and compassionate human being 99% of the time. and all i get is more stress, more frustration, more postponement of the one part of growing up that i actually care to pursue.

i would cry and have myself a little breakdown, but i have to pack. by myself. because mayhem only knows how to promise to help me pack, and not how to actually do it. so this is why i want to just throw the relationship over a cliff. basically because he is just like me and has no desire to pack, but i have no alternative other than to pack and he has other options and has exercised them instead. i can't exactly blame him, but i can loathe him for it until i am moved.



as i am packing (what little i am truly doing with the lovely distraction that is writing way too many posts and finding that new people have linked to me and must be examined).... oh yes, so as i am packing and trying to set aside the necessities that shouldn't be hidden away in a box to be discovered a month later (like toilet paper or soap or sustenance), i am starting to realize that i could live without a lot of things that i own. i do not plan to throw out all the other stuff because the little voice in my head sounds alarms that i will miss many of those things when they are gone and i will end up re-purchasing similar items within the year. but i don't think i will hate this streamlined way of living that i'll have for the next couple days. no need for the decorations, no need for a selection of shampoos, no need for a multitude of cute outfits. of course eventually i will want to wear a clean shirt, not have to stare at empty walls, and reapply my toenail polish.


Time warp... 

ok, my antique clock has definitely lost its second hand. a few months ago i noticed that the second hand was broken and couldn't tick the seconds accurately. last night i notice that there is no longer a second hand. it has disappeared into thin air. i am so very confused, trying to figure out how that is possible or if i am somehow just not seeing it. weird.


Friday, August 19, 2005

Fiery women... 

this study explains so many dirty little anecdotes. and also explains why i knew so many red-headed women who bordered on kinky s&m, enjoyed the pain of getting tattoes, and other such pain-loving activities.


Quick poll... 

just out of curiousity.... which of you out there thinks that maybe i should propose to mayhem instead of waiting for him to be in a financial situation where he could propose to me? i don't know if i'm actually gutsy enough to do it, but i could kick around the idea. any ideas of how a girl could pop the question without it seeming horrifically cheesy?

(oh yes, and there's nothing like having to take a double shot of hormones because you forgot to take your pill yesterday to make your emotions nice and even keel. oops.)


Don't grease me up... 

bathrooms are, by far, one of the worst rooms to pack. kitchen probably comes in a close second. but the bathroom is almost purely storage. so you drag a couple boxes into that little room, figuring you'll stash it all and be good to go. then you start opening cabinet after cabinet, drawer after drawer, and realize that you'll probably be lucky to pack it all away in four boxes. and these items have the highest risk of jeopardizing the contents of a multitude of boxes. a lotion bottle that splits. a pump top that won't seal closed. a toothpaste tube that oozes. the glass bottles. that shampoo bottle that wasn't quite dry before entering the cardboard fortress. it's dangerous business.

as i attempted to seal down the pump tops, this time i decided the smartest location for the nasty liquids that were dispensed (projectile lotion is disgusting in my book) would be the toilet. i could simply flush away the mess instead of scrubbing the goo out of my sink or bathtub. i realized as the lotion squirted into the toilet that the sound is very similar to hearing a person vomit into the toilet. not the forceful kind, the "i'm so exhausted already from being sick that it may dribble its way to the bowl" kind. too much detail? i'm sure.

so i am now advocating a ban on the typical default gift for women. all readers should consider an immediate halt to the same old easy gift of marginally expensive scented lotions. if my under-the-sink storage situation is any indication, every woman in the US (if not all developed lotion-wearing nations) has approximately 8,347 bottles of lotion, in varying sizes and scents. she doesn't particularly want to use most of them, but does not see the point of throwing out perfectly good, new bottles of lotion. that would, after all, be extremely wasteful. and it was given with good intentions, even if the person was unsure of a more exciting and creative gift option. so find something else. although i have a similar number of candles, at least i can burn them away and don't have to lather them on my body. so i rate that default gift as a better option.


Bonus points... 

likes: laughing. smiling. being with friends. cuddling. almost anything with mayhem. my incredible friends. vacations. my plants, even if they decided to die on me. when the boy does sweet things for me. oh yes, and of course long walks on the beach ;)

dislikes: the little mole on my shoulder that i just discovered tonight. i picked at it so now it's sore. being hungry. stress. fighting. disappointing people i love. moving. needing to do things that aren't enjoyable. bills. trying on clothes if they don't fit right the first time (especially bras and jeans).

random thought: any place where i am with mayhem feels like home.

random participation point: raise your hand if you could probably find some crazy random crap in your closet that you purchased to prepare for a theme party. nasty '80s hair spray? camoflauge anything? swashbuckling pirate boots (*cough* j-mo *cough*)?


I interview me... 

special skill set: obtaining my "complimentary" caulk from apartment complexes and utilizing any caulk variety to hide the large and obvious nail holes to avoid having to pay for repairs.

pairing my favorite bra with any shirt to make my chest look breath taking.

finding all kinds of impressive ways to avoid packing or doing any of the most important priorities on a to do list.

greatest weaknesses: i find posts like this wildly hilarious. mostly because it is late at night and i am in a punchy kind of mood. and i figure that if i can find myself funny, then at least one person has enjoyed some part of this post. i trust too easily and sometimes get my feelings hurt a little too easily, too.

greatest strengths: i love many things and people and the little things make me happy. feed me chocolate, ice cream, or pecan pie (or all three) and i'll be yours. find my many moods cute and i'll be yours. ok, wait... my strengths, not how-to-hit-on-me-101... i have a high self-esteem, am self-confident, and smile, laugh frequently. i am happy and like making others happy.

no clue what this is or why it is. but it is what it is and so am i.


Wednesday, August 17, 2005


the flavor of the week is stress.

crazy frustrating things popping up out of nowhere. unfortunate happenings, scary decisions, budgeting queries, and more. like i said, i don't like growing up. i like it when i can pretend that i'm an adult and do a good job at it, but then i kind of wish i could stop play-time and join my family for dinner before we watch some silly 80s sitcom together. then i shower, hug mommy and daddy, and go to bed.

the thing with growing up, and with life in general, is we never appreciate and enjoy things when they are in the present. it's almost always in the future or in retrospect that we savor them. when we are in the actual moment, it's a little scarier and feels much more unknown. it's not playtime anymore, and it's not a memory about which we can reminisce and say thank you God for helping us navigate that time safely.

it seems like our society is brought up to have trouble with the present. we like the memories of the good old days, we take pictures to enjoy later, and create scrapbooks of our lives. we are trained to look toward the future and to plan ahead. we don't enjoy the present enough. maybe this is part of why the present can start to feel stressful. if you are currently facing tough decisions, you want to slip into the future or the past to get away from it, but the limits of time and space won't allow it.

anyway, this is just a snippet of my thoughts at the moment. i can handle some of the stress better than others, but you take it all moment to moment, and rely on loved ones to help lift you up or let you vent or whatever you need. the ups and downs of it all...


Monday, August 15, 2005

En memorium... 

this is a sad anniversary. a day of remembrance. i had been so busy with the day to day that i had actually forgotten for most of the day. and yet it all came flooding back.

scent is the strongest sense tied to memory. and it is the one that reminded me of today. i was doing laundry, and as a bent down and reached across to put a basket out of the way, i caught a whiff of an old memory.

i find it amazing how you can either pinpoint a very specific random memory, or you smell something that invokes a reaction or feeling or emotion or memory, and yet you can't place it.

so this is my odd little tribute. it hasn't been a fantastic day. but it is a much better day than that one.

i have been stuck today. horribly unproductive and incapable of forcing myself to do what needs to be done.


A nothing update... 

let me guess, you want an update. i wish i had something interesting to share.

i have been thinking more about the cheating question of last week. seems that many of you have as well. i think the bottom line is that the answers will vary from couple to couple. considering the huge range of sexual preferences and types of couples, it kind of makes sense that there are no straight forward answers. so talk it out and then agree on a compromise. mayhem and i started a discussion about it yesterday, but had to stop early because we were supposed to have dinner with the 'rents.

i feel like i've been changing a lot lately. in all kinds of various ways. in some ways i think i'm calming down, becoming a little tamer, becoming more of a good girl. and yet, not quite. i guess i kind of feel like i'm growing up. but i'm still fighting it. in other ways, i want to break out a little more and be a little wilder. what is it that people call this time of life? ah yes, i may be having a quarter life crisis.

ok, time to get back to work.

oh yeah, not much to update about. still feeling confused and basically same as when i left. no big news either. updating might be a little tougher in the next couple weeks, but i'll do my best.


Thursday, August 11, 2005

Yay day... 

i'll be heading out soon. it's been a good day. it's been fun.

i have had delicious food. had some hilarious laughs. had a couple good conversations. got a couple important things done. and found all the thoughts on the last post very interesting.

i kept forgetting that today wasn't friday. but it was actually ok.

and scrubs is on. and it makes me happy. i love how it can be so hilarious and beautiful at once.

i'm facing a lot of big decisions. i can't say i have all the answers. but i can say i'm learning a lot. and part of it is learning that nobody has all the answers. even when you think you do your perspective is so limited in the grand scheme of things.

life is hard. when i was little, i actually thought about this and secretly wished that i didn't have to face it all. it wasn't in the suicidal, depressed kind of way. it was just feeling like i wasn't cut out for it. that it would be much easier to not have to do the living, to grow up and be an adult and then become old, and instead just to go straight to heaven or wherever else you may go.

well, this took a strange turn. but it is what it is. i gotta pack.


Wednesday, August 10, 2005


oh yes, i nearly forgot... i did have a question to ask today.

if things like phone sex with another person are considered cheating, then how is getting a lap dance ok? i mean, in one you are discussing what you would do to each other and kind of role playing that, but in the other, you have a naked woman on your lap reenacting sex with you.

it seems like a nonsensical delineation to me. i honestly had never even thought about that before yesterday, but once i did i realized it made no sense to me at all. if i really stop and think about it, i think i would almost feel more secure if i knew mayhem was having phone sex with a fat ugly phone sex operator in another state than knowing that the hottest stripper in the club was gyrating naked on his lap and doing her best sex kitten act to try and make him want her for the next couple minutes.

what do you guys think about this?


Productivity report... 

so for some reason i always feel the need to report when i am and am not productive. i know none of you care, and neither do it, so i don't have a clue why i bother to type it. yet that still won't stop me. in some ways i got some shit done that needed to be done. other things didn't even get close to being done. i think i need a nap. i feel so very blah right now.

so nerdy japanese men have made themselves a robotic woman. yes, i'm sure that was a bright idea. i tend to go between thinking humanlike robots are stupid because they are just creepy and will be used as prom date substitutes by 2010 and thinking that making humanlike robots are stupid because we aren't all the bright in the grand scheme of things and it's probably a pretty bad idea for us to create intelligence higher than our own. somebody tried to have a very boring conversation with me not too long ago where i zoned out for the majority of what they were saying... but what i can remember was him saying that by some date named in the future scientists predict that robots will be smarter than us. i asked how we could make robots that knew more than we did, and then tuned out before i heard the answer, but that's a little creepy. i'm guessing that at some point, we stop creating the robots and the dolphins take over, since they have always been smarter than us, and then the robots and dolphins conquer the world and put us in giant hamster cages to use as pets. yes, that seems logical to me.


Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Another ghetto ride... 

i saw another classic ghetto ride today. this must be their pride parade day.

this one was an old beater. shit brown, with all the shine taken off. it had small tires, and the front was at least 5 inches higher than the back end. the front was lifted a few inches above the tires, and the back was lowered to just a couple inches above the road. as appropriate attire to ride in the beater, the guy was wearing a wife beater. he had his chair all the way down, and was then crouching over the steering wheel as he bumped along the road. i kept watching for sparks from the back end hitting the ground. ah yes, and of course he had his bass jacked way up. he was so classy he made my heart skip a beat.

hahahahaha, yeah right.


Dumbass moment... 

i would like to share a dumbass moment with you.

i was driving down the freeway in a construction zone, approaching a lane closure to my right. this ghetto car was riding my ass when i heard a sound of a very weak motor being gunned. the car behind me darted out to the right into the lane that is now being narrowed. i slow down because i know where he's headed, and he darts in front of me, speeding in his temporary glory of getting to pass one single car to "get to his destination faster" (*cough* bullshit! *cough*). of course he then realizes that he needs to slow down because the traffic is backed up, and i notice that his car keeps pulling to the left. and not just a little twitch of the arm kind of pulling, but one that, in an SUV, could cause it to roll over. his back bumper was just flapping in the wind, completely sheared off except for the small part that was still intact. then i look lower, and see the source of the pull. he was driving the freeway on a donut tire. and as he passed me before the slow down, he was going about 80 on it. wow. that's a dumbass right there.

gotta run. more stuff to be done...

p.s. today is already better than yesterday. yay.


Monday, August 08, 2005

Boo to today... 

my thigh itches.
my ice cream is gone.
i'm still hungry.
i'm nervous as hell.
i wish i knew the answers.
i'm tired.
i'm not ready to face tomorrow.
i'm ready to be done with it.


Finally an answer... 

after all these years, i finally have an explanation to one very frustrating even of my early years.

here's the fully story behind it. (well, the reader's digest of the full story.)

so in one of my more frustrating moments in science lab, i was partnered with a boy for an experiment where we had to record the color of the little things on the microscope slide. we always saw different colors from the other, and he kept claiming that i was blind or didn't know my colors or other mean things. it was so frustrating because he was so sure he was right and i was wrong, but i was worried about trusting that what i saw was essentially a lie.

turns out i was right. i saw the colors better than him.



this has been quite a day. exhilirating, stressful, scary, overwhelming all at once. it's made me nervous. right now it's still much too early for me to talk about it. i'll get there. i'm just trying to keep my head above water at the moment.


If it's raining men, get an umbrella... 

men can be so frustrating. makes me sooooo incredibly grateful i have mayhem. i wouldn't be able to survive all the others without him.

stupid boys who don't know how to take no for an answer when they get turned down. and who think you're lying when you say you're taken.

stupid boys who walk away from a conversation when it's no longer all about them.

stupid boys who act like jerks, and the sadness it brings me when other women think they're fantastic because that have amazingly dated much worse.

boys who act like you're something special when it's just playing the field. you should really gauge the player level of the boy by the compliments he gives. if he acts like you're the greatest (or most gorgeous or other fill in the blank here) girl on the face of the earth while he still barely knows you, run. he does it to every decent looking girl.

thank goodness for mayhem. i would not could not return to the dating world and face the type of men i have met over the past week. sleezy, slutty, dirty, gross, pushy, hornballs. i know they are not representative of all the men on the market, but they are certainly enough to remind me i already found the best man in the world.


Sunday, August 07, 2005


lately i have noticed that parts of society aren't quite as accepting as i naively thought and hoped they were. i have encountered several members of polite society (christian conservatives mostly), who enjoyed making jokes about gay people. grown men and women who are my parents' age saying things like "you men shouldn't sit next to each other at the table... you know how that is going to look. (gay voice imitation) hellloooooo!" or these girls i met up with at a bar the other night who gawked at this older lesbian couple like they were freaks. i talked with them for a little while and they were very nice people. or as i mentioned in a comment on muchacha's blog, adults giving me suggestions on where to move saying that this one small town is great because it's all whites so there won't be gangs or ghettos.

it's infuriating to me. people are more similar than different. gays and lesbians are people just like everyone else, and people with differing pigmentation in their skin are still the same underneath, too. if you only look for differences in the world, a you vs. us mentality, then that's what you'll find. if you recognize similarities, then you'll see that we can all get along.

ok, there is my hippy lovey statement for the day. i'll try to tell about my weekend later.


Saturday, August 06, 2005

Experience life... 

one of my old college friends had a saying that she borrowed from the title of a book by sark. "eat mangoes naked."

she loved saying it because it sounded so sexy. and really it is quite a fantastic experience. however, i have always thought that it held greater meaning. more of a way of living life. essentially, not just living life, but experiencing it.

to follow the naked mango eating example, you are going to experience it more that way. it is a sweet, fleshy, luscious fruit, hard to eat gracefully if not prepared by a trained chef, and extremely juicy. if you are naked, you know you can easily clean up the mess, so you don't worry as much where the juice goes. you taste it more, feel it more, experience it better.

all of life is really like that. you can find beauty anywhere if you have your eyes open for it. you can learn to like almost any food that you didn't like as a child if you really take the time to taste it. we often multitask food. how often do you sit quietly without other distractions and just eat your food? probably next to never. yet if you do, it can become addictive. i realized that once a couple months ago. so i turned everything off, sat down in a comfortable place with nothing but myself and my broccoli (always kind of a love/hate food for me), and really experienced it. turned out i loved it! if i multitasked it into watching the news and talking to a friend, though, i never would have learned to like it.

as for finding beauty everywhere, this was a lesson i learned extremely early in life. it is something that surprised me, even then, because it is a secret that most adults i knew did not understand. it happened one day when i was still in the single digits of my life. i was washing my hands at our bathroom sink and reached for the soap. it was in a seemingly hideous orange and white 70s style dispenser. i wondered why in the world we owned it. then i thought that somebody had to create it, somebody had to buy it. neither made it or bought it thinking it was hideous. so i started to really look at it. i looked at the pattern, the contrast, all the details. suddenly, i realized that it was beautiful after all. that seemingly simple exercise made me reexamine everything and realize that you can find beauty wherever you look. kind of like the boy in american beauty who made the flight of a plastic bag in an updraft seem poignant and graceful.

so let's all eat mangoes naked today.


Awkward moments... 

if my memory serves correctly (and it rarely does), there have been more awkward moments lately than there are usually. i'm not talking about with me, but caused by other people i encounter. because i'm an optimist, i am inclined to blame it on stress. i think more people than usual are really stressed out right now. there's a lot of shit going on in a lot of people's lives, which leaves them crankier, which causes them to create uncomfortable situations.

if mayhem and i aren't happy with each other, we do our best to not go out with others and subject them to that kind of uncomfortable tension. others choose not to do the same. that causes some awkward moments.

other people get sidetracked into little personal pity parties about stuff they know is bullshit and create awkward dramatic pauses as they wait for the compliments to start rolling in to boost their already large ego. i choose not to comply when i know they're just playing dumbass mind games, and they lose interest in talking. that causes awkward moments.

when people start spewing off at the mouth about how this was a perfect and glorious war and the military channel is god's greatest gift to man, and all you can think about is trying not to make your head explode... that causes awkward moments.

people who reveal that you are their best friend when they aren't even close to being yours, and it's partly because they have no skills at being sympathetic or understanding when life gets tough for somebody other than themselves, they cause awkward moments.

bra shopping with somebody who hates you for being amply endowed... that causes awkward moments. giving a breast-related gift to a different somebody who is small chested while a person who regularly makes digs at them for being small watches and gloats... that causes awkward moments. (i'll take partial credit for that one since i did have a memory lapse and purchase said gift.)

so yes, this week is all about the awkward moments. i think i know too many messed up people.


Friday, August 05, 2005

Coffee PSA... 

if you are like me and rarely make coffee, i would like to share this little public service announcement with you. the lid to the coffee pot is a vital part of the coffee brewing process. sure it just looks like another thing you have to clean and something to be forgotten about easily, but that obnoxious bump in the center that makes it hard to slide it in and out is actually the most important piece in some respects. that piece is secretly used to open the floodgates and let your coffee go (let my people goooooooooooo!)

so if you are too asleep when making your coffee like i was this morning, then you may forget to snap on the lid. then when you wander back and remove the pot, you may be a little stunned when you see no coffee and have to decide how you clean up this nasty mess and whether you need coffee enough at that point to either drink the crap that backed up in the machine or to throw all that out and make another cup. personally, i would rather just go back to bed until i don't feel coffee-dependent.


Thursday, August 04, 2005


you want another picture? you can't handle another picture! but i'm nice so you get it anyway.


What a morning... 

this morning was productive, but hardly fun. here's a little run down.

my alarm woke me up early after getting very little sleep last night. there is something (possibly the pipes) that from time to time emits a noise resembling a chain saw in my walls. i was sound asleep when it happened, and it sounded like it was coming from the apartment above me. needless to say, i was not pleased.

so i had to drag my ass out of bed despite being exhausted because i had to get some repairs done to things.

i was already running late because i had to have a brilliant discussion with mayhem. he was someplace where he couldn't hear anything but wouldn't tell me that so i was trying to scream "i need to go" several times to him. he didn't hear, so i just hung up, and he called back. please just call back after you have left the runway of the nearest airstrip, or whatever was so loud you couldn't hear me.

so i missed my morning wake-up style drink. sometimes it's coffee, other times just water or milk, or possibly some tea. this morning, i just had time to grab a yogurt and run.

scuttled over to the post office to get a quick postage check on a package, then went to get my repairs done. waited for a half hour to be seen, only to spend 2 minutes with the person. i nearly fell asleep twice while waiting, and the woman who informed me of the wait took that to mean i was pissed at them. yeah, it's not fabulous, but i'm used to that kind of crap from you people. s0 they'll tell me their diagnosis in an hour, come back then.

went to the mall to pick up a gag gift i have been needing to purchase. found an appropriately dirty store, and shopped around. found a few possibilities, but finally settled on one that didn't make me seem too scandalous but wouldn't be a lousy gift to receive because it was too tame, either.

i went up to the counter to purchase the gift and was told "you know there are no returns on "adult" items, right? it gets pretty nasty when people try to bring that stuff back." great, i look like that person, huh? i decide against the longwinded explanation that it is a gag gift and i could care less if they liked it or not but they weren't getting a receipt to return it anyway so it wouldn't be a problem. instead i decided to say "ew, that's nasty."

i then proceed to get lost trying to find the right exit in the mall, as i have made it a life goal of mine to avoid that particular mall whenever possible. all the old people mall-walking give me dirty looks for my dirty purchase. the pre-teen boys look at me with perverted awe. and when i got sidetracked from my quest for an exit and entered victoria's secret, i was ignored as an unworthy patron. fine, screw all of you. i have no reason to explain myself or feel embarrassed because complete strangers hold opinions based on such limited knowledge.

finally find the exit, return to the store in question, and wait another several minutes before they will tell me what's wrong. "uh yeah, it's broken. you'll have to get a new one. but we don't have any, so it'll be like a week." yippeee. so i live with broken crap for now, and i get a new one in a week, at which time i will get to repeat this day all over again.

since i still feel like i'm about to fall asleep at any given moment, i am going to pull out the strong stuff and fix myself some coffee. must make it through the rest of the day. oh wait, i'm being coerced into seeing a crappy movie tonight... maybe i should find sleeping pills instead and just go with my body's instinct.

UPDATE: ok, i am now smelling dirty cat litter. second day in a row. my upstairs neighbor must have a cat. this smell must be stopped. bastards.


Wednesday, August 03, 2005


on a much lighter note than my recent posts, X games boys are sexy.


Growing pains... 

i have experienced more insane emotions in this past month than i could ever believe was possible. whirlwind, rollercoaster... those don't even begin to describe it.

there have been wonderful things, and there have been awful things. people have come into my life and messed with my head. people have created a noticeable absence and made me anxious. things have happened that made me feel positive, and others made me feel defeated.

i'm sure my recent posts have reflected some of this. this is a time when i have been so thankful to have a place to put all of my thoughts. i force myself to be open, exposed, real about how things have made me feel. then once i walk away from the computer, i walk away from most of it. the pain is left on the screen, i wash it away. there have been a couple more personal things that i withheld, but i talked to people about them and got their feedback. i chose people who were stable and had personal experience to draw upon. thank you to everyone who has helped me, through IM, through emails, through comments, through it all. all of it has been so helpful.

being able to purge the bad thoughts and feelings onto the page and then just leave them there reminds me of some kind of buddhist zen practice. nonattachment maybe. the pain and trials of life on this earth attack me but don't take hold of me. i acknowledge the hard situation and how i feel about it, and i walk away.

contemplative again. noticing what may be a trend forming. if i can make it through this upcoming stressful weekend, then i'll know that i am truly learning. wait, if i can make it through the rest of this week without whining and complaining and dwelling on the stress that this weekend will bring, then i will know that i am learning. getting through the actual weekend will seal the deal.

breathe. breathe. breathe.


Tuesday, August 02, 2005

Laughter is good for the soul... 

laughter is something i could never do without. it is good for the soul, good for the spirit, good for a relationship.

mayhem can make me laugh like none other. i forget that sometimes. but then a memory pops into my head and i start cracking up. i'm sure people must think i'm nuts, but it still makes me laugh.

that's all. i just thought of a memory from the weekend before things went sour, and i started laughing. then that one memory brought back a flood of others and i had a good hearty laugh all by myself. if he were here, i would give him a great big hug and kiss and thank him for all the good times.

once again, thank you to all of you for your thoughts and advice during the last couple of days. we're on the upswing again as i have regained my composure and gotten a better perspective on things. the lines of communication are always open if you have something to say.



after my comments on the last post, i reread it and realized, with a sick feeling in my stomach, that i really needed to clarify a few things. but first, i still thank all of you for your comments. i still appreciate them and what they brought to light for me.

i feel caged and blocked in by the situation, not by mayhem. mayhem would give me all the freedom in the world if i asked for it. of course that would make me a pretty selfish partner, but he would do that for me.

when we met, i was super-independent. i sat him down and basically just explained how it was going to be. i would go away for college whether or not we were still together, and he could either deal or get the hell out. i would experience college, and that may mean that we don't stay together, i'll just play it by ear. i'm not interested in marriage and i won't say i love anyone until i'm 100% sure, which probably means you won't hear me say it for a very long time. basically, i was a bitch. i didn't want him to change the course of my life. i was very thrown off guard when he totally complied. even more so, he agreed with me that it was a good idea. he didn't want me to go to a school nearby just for him. he didn't want me to become this settled martha homemaker woman. he didn't want to hear me say "i love you" until i had proven to myself that it was for real. he saw my spirit, and didn't want to kill it.

i started to settle down as i grew up, and when he mentioned marriage, i got used to the idea. i wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, so that was the logical solution. sadly, we are both broke and have been for years. that is the true reason we cannot get married. however, i still have a selfish streak, and i want him to snap his fingers and make it happen anyway. i feel trapped by the catch 22 of wanting to get married so much that it hurts, yet not being able to do it. watching all the deadlines we had set as optimistic students who thought we would have jobs by now just fall away.

i believe that mayhem is both comfortable and enamored with me. actually, he still acts as though he never grew out of that honeymoon "crazy in love" feeling with me. in the past, i actually had to ask him to tone things down in public because he made some of my friends who had never had a long-term boyfriend a little uncomfortable because we were couply and that didn't sit well with some of them. it was nothing outlandish, but they would freak out because he was always "touching" me... as in holding my hand, hugging me, putting his arm around the back of my chair. sheltered super-conservative girls. at any rate, some of that stuck, and we tried to avoid some of that gooey stuff when we were around people who were single or not in their couple at that time.

at any rate, this is just my perspective on things. of course i'm in the middle of it all and only have one perspective. i'm not offended that others offered their perspectives as well. i'm also sorry that i didn't explain myself better in the first post... i tend to say words in my head to fill out what i wrote on the page and not realize that what's on the page isn't the full story. if you have further comments, advice, etc please feel free to continue sharing.


Monday, August 01, 2005

Sinking (relation)ship... 

this has been a rough weekend. as you saw, i was in a very contemplative mood on saturday. it was a time to reflect and reexamine some things in my life. that continued through the weekend. my relationship with mayhem is kind of struggling right now. i'm not sure i can explain it right now, but i can try.

like i wrote earlier, i maintain a delicate balance. i can't be tamed, i can't be caged, i have to maintain my independence and freedom. yet at the same time, i want to settle down and have the safety and security of having this one amazing man by my side for the rest of my life.

he is the one who sold me on the idea of marriage in the first place, years ago. now that it still has not happened, i am restless. i am ready to back out of the entire thing because i don't want to realize, years from now, that i have been conned. i fear that he lied to me and claimed we would get married in order to keep me for himself, but never wanted to follow through with that.

i know that everything will be fine in the long run, but i am miserable in the short run. life is a work in progress.


The official stuff...

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