on an average day, about 3.3% of the world's population has sex. less than .4% of these acts of copulatoin results in a birth. (prospect, oct. 2004)

just thought you guys might be interested in a random sex factoid. i don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing. let me know your take on it.


and thanks so much for all of your thoughts on the previous post. i know it's not worth losing the relationship over this stupid shit, but i do need to get some answers and some assurances of future responsibility. ugh, sometimes relationships and life are just a little too complicated. beer, it hurts me to think about that completely shitty excuse that mr is giving you. i am so sorry that he is actually telling you that. i will kick him in the balls if you want me to. you just let me know.

d rant, are there any ways in particular in which life changes when you get married? if you have any advice to share, please do let me know. i'd be happy to listen and learn. thanks hon!

happy new years to everybody. have a fantastic new year's eve... stay safe and have a blast! love ya!

so this is just a quick little moment that all the girls will understand. guys, bear with me 2 seconds here. i fucking hate that time of the month. and really i only have it every 3 months, but i still hate it. if this truly was our punishment for eve eating on the apple, you'd think at some point God would feel bad about it... you know, after a few centuries of torture, and make it stop. but instead, women are getting it younger and younger. so i figure that's just further evidence that this isn't just a chauvinistic punishment thing. and with only having it every 3 months, i sure as hell know i'm planning it so i have a period like a week before my wedding so i don't have to worry about it for the first 3 months of married sex/life.

ok, that talk is over now. so last night, we got home safely, like i said. i felt very happy about my hot little bod and teasing mayhem. i read him a little excerpt of the book i'm reading that had both of us rolling on my bed. and then we watched "my boss's daughter." it has a few moments where you're just so fed up with the basic premise of why everything went awry that you're ready to smack the main character, but other than that it was funny.

the night kind of went downhill right at the end, and i'm ready to find something to change the course of our relationship to relieve some frustration. with nearly 6 years of dating, 5 1/2 of which mayhem knew he wanted to marry me (well before the thought had even crossed my teen mind), he has not set aside any money specifically for a ring. he has about $200 that might be able to go for a ring... if and only if it doesn't have to go to several other major purchases in his life. he put the idea in my head of the engagement ring being at least 1 ct. he felt that he had to do at least that to truly give a worthy ring. and with the proposal coming after 6 years of dating, it sounded kind of reasonable to me. tons of time to save money, a big event after so many years. but now maybe it'll be a walmart special CZ ring. especially if he isn't willing to talk to grandmothers about using their rings. so i think we need to take a new direction for a few months so i don't get so frustrated with him and this situation. i absolutely do not want to become one of those engagement/wedding-obsessed women who fixates on it and hounds about it every damn day of her life. and i don't want to be the one who reminds him every time he gets a little cash that he has to save it for a big event. it really fucking pisses me off, to be honest. if it's important to him, then you think he'd learn how to wipe his own ass and plan for it himself. i mean, if dumbass idiots who propose with "shit or get off the pot" have learned to save, then he should have too. and i know it will be completely blatantly obvious the night we are going to get engaged because it will be the only night that he isn't suggesting we see a movie. so i give up. if you guys have any ideas, then let me know. i'm ready to just take it off the table completely for a while.

well this post certainly took a turn for the worst. sorry to air my shit on here. sorry to sound like a bitch. sorry to be so fucking frustrated and at the end of my rope with my normally wonderful relationship. fuck it, i'm out.

there were a few very sad little lives sitting at the table next to me
at dinner tonight. these girls were about my age and came from at
least modest money. they had never seen 6am except when they were
still out partying that early in the morning and seemed to have no
responsibilities. and they were completely unhappy.

they hated their bodies and faces even though they were pretty girls.
their discussions revolved around poor body images, plastic surgery,
facelifts, tummy tucks, boob jobs, analyzing others' bodies and
critiquing their own. they didn't want their pictures taken because
of double chins and other imperfections that only they saw. they
talked badly about every friend who wasn't with them. it was sad and
pitiful. they had to work out first thing tomorrow morning because
they ate a decent dinner. and they all had to get ready for new
year's together because they just knew they would look so awful that
they wouldn't be willing to go out without the encouragement of their
friends. one of them was excited about getting her little sister a
full makeup set because she had gotten old enough that she would now
be allowed to wear it. so this sister was so excited that she could
get a ton of new makeup and teach this little sis how to cake it on.
it truly was depressing to hear about their miserable lives. how much
they hated themselves. it made me extremely grateful that i have a
good self-image, love my looks and personality, and don't really want
to change anything about myself. reminded me how lucky i am to be so
happy with myself. anyway, just wanted to share.

oh yeah, and a crazy driver nearly killed us on our way back from the
restaurant. slammed on the horn and veered straight at our back
bumper. no clue why. we tried to get out of the way in case the
driver was on a crazy rampage to do some damage. anyway, crazy night
but all's well that ends well. although it's not over yet. it's
really just beginning. have a great night loves!

there were a few very sad little lives sitting at the table next to meat dinner tonight. these girls were about my age and came from atleast modest money. they had never seen 6am except when they werestill out partying that early in the morning and seemed to have noresponsibilities. and they were completely unhappy.they hated their bodies and faces even though they were pretty girls.their discussions revolved around poor body images, plastic surgery,facelifts, tummy tucks, boob jobs, analyzing others' bodies andcritiquing their own. they didn't want their pictures taken becauseof double chins and other imperfections that only they saw. theytalked badly about every friend who wasn't with them. it was sad andpitiful. they had to work out first thing tomorrow morning becausethey ate a decent dinner. and they all had to get ready for newyear's together because they just knew they would look so awful thatthey wouldn't be willing to go out without the encouragement of theirfriends. one of them was excited about getting her little sister afull makeup set because she had gotten old enough that she would nowbe allowed to wear it. so this sister was so excited that she couldget a ton of new makeup and teach this little sis how to cake it on.it truly was depressing to hear about their miserable lives. how muchthey hated themselves. it made me extremely grateful that i have agood self-image, love my looks and personality, and don't really wantto change anything about myself. reminded me how lucky i am to be sohappy with myself. anyway, just wanted to share.oh yeah, and a crazy driver nearly killed us on our way back from therestaurant. slammed on the horn and veered straight at our backbumper. no clue why. we tried to get out of the way in case thedriver was on a crazy rampage to do some damage. anyway, crazy nightbut all's well that ends well. although it's not over yet. it'sreally just beginning. have a great night loves!

ok, so i made a promise i didn't quite keep. i said that the next
post would be something about mayhem while i was gone, and then i
didn't post it yesterday. so i'll do it today.

so one of the last nights that we had together, mayhem and i created
the christmas card. and then he got to remove the design. and then
we had a little whipped cream fight and had a great time. so after i
get back and he comes over and we do the "i've missed you" hug and
kiss stuff, he whispers in my ear that he couldn't get that night out
of his head all week. dreams of his sugarplum and whipped cream were
dancing in his head. so of course this means i'll have to tease him
with that more often.

random: for some reason i can't get "this side is LOUSY with
blueberries!" out of my head. it's a line from a will and grace
episode that i haven't seen for months, and yet it popped into my head
yesterday afternoon and hasn't left yet. grrr. i think i need a more
exciting image to get stuck in my head, like mayhem's!

hint for what i got from the beer: she made a reference to chocolate
nipples and looked right at me before she started cracking up.

enough for now. i'll be back!

ok, so i made a promise i didn't quite keep. i said that the nextpost would be something about mayhem while i was gone, and then ididn't post it yesterday. so i'll do it today.so one of the last nights that we had together, mayhem and i createdthe christmas card. and then he got to remove the design. and thenwe had a little whipped cream fight and had a great time. so after iget back and he comes over and we do the "i've missed you" hug andkiss stuff, he whispers in my ear that he couldn't get that night outof his head all week. dreams of his sugarplum and whipped cream weredancing in his head. so of course this means i'll have to tease himwith that more often.random: for some reason i can't get "this side is LOUSY withblueberries!" out of my head. it's a line from a will and graceepisode that i haven't seen for months, and yet it popped into my headyesterday afternoon and hasn't left yet. grrr. i think i need a moreexciting image to get stuck in my head, like mayhem's!hint for what i got from the beer: she made a reference to chocolatenipples and looked right at me before she started cracking up.enough for now. i'll be back!

frustration would be the emotion of the week. mayhem might not have a
car to visit me soon. i get to be analyzed and criticized and
guilt-trip-ized on a daily basis by my mom. they're still considering
moving and my mom wants to discuss it until she's driven it 6 ft
under, covered it with dirt, and created a grave marker for it. a
couple of our guy friends are going to be sharing a house together,
but it puts our chances of hanging out at stake because one of them is
STILL with the girlfriend who hates me. the one from a year ago...
yeah, she's still around.

so frustration is the name of the game. oh yeah, and adding to the
frustration, the mail carrier just repoed my mail. the morning that i
tried to pick it up. i know, because i had to secretly escape back to
the apartment last night to gain a temporary increase of sanity. i
was supposed to go there today with my mom to get my mail and all, but
i couldn't handle it. so i snuck off last night to get a little home
sweet home before i had to face the joy of my own place with the
frustration of being there with her. it really wasn't bad being there
with her... just not the relaxing place it is when i'm alone or with
mayhem. i'm glad i did that because i wouldn't have lasted through
today with her otherwise. sadly, i lost my mail because i couldn't
get it last night. who knew it would matter that much?! oh well.
i'll hopefully get it back tomorrow with a friendly call to the post
office.

i can't wait to return to my apartment, my ways, my schedule, my free
reign over the internet. well i better run. hopefully tomorrow will
be a better day. tell me something interesting in the comments. tell
me how scarily productive you're becoming at work now that i'm not
distracting you as much. i'll be back to the old routine soon enough.
miss you guys!

so my mom came back wanting the computer mid-post. that's why the last one ended so strangely. she's momentarily gone again, so i'll make this fast.

it's so good to be back near mayhem again. and to have my other friends in town for a little while, too. i love how supportive one of my friends is. she got married young and thinks that all of our relationships and our futures of marriage are so adorable. because she's happy with her life she is so excited for us that we'll get that too. i love it. so sweet. i'm glad i got to see her while she's in town.

the beer will be gone again in just a few hours. at least we got together a little bit while we were both here. and mayhem is adorable as always, even if he is bugging me. he's doing it in that cute, "i know you can't resist me, i'll throw you an innocent puppy look if you get mad so you'll just laugh with me instead" kind of way. yeah, he's good.

i'll have to write again about a couple funny things i learned about the time when i was away. that will be the next post. i have to clear out again and i need to take a quick shower. kisses!

so it's kind of hard getting back into this posting groove. it was so
easy at home... i could write 50 posts a day if i thought of enough
material and i could talk with you guys on IM if anybody was online
and bored at work. but at my parents' house, i have to do something
fast and dirty in a spare moment stolen with their computer. and then
i have to erase my tracks. my mom is the barging sort. she tends to
open a closed door without reason or warning just because she's
curious. so you better dress fast after your shower if you hear her
coming. and you better have an escape route planned if you're
blogging in her house. and you better be cautious how fast you change
clothes late at night after a date in case she decides to check that
the person coming home was really you.

so anyway... yesterday i spent another day with the future in-laws. i
think they're happy i'm back and can spend a little time over there.
since i don't live in the same town as them and mayhem usually visits
me at my apartment, they rarely see me now and only hear reports via
him. of course they probably know more about me than my own parents
do, but they still feel deprived. and mayhem still has a lost puppy
syndrome from when i was gone. he is hyper 100% of the time and bugs
me constantly.

hope everyone had a good christmas. i did for the most part, and was very glad that i only had to sit in a car for maybe an hour total. i did get a headache and had to take a nap on santa's lap... just kidding, mayhem's lap, for a little while at his parents' house. i meant to get up in about 5 minutes and help his mom with the christmas dinner, but i was gone. thankfully she understood and didn't seem to care. everybody asked about my trip and i realized i had nothing substantial to discuss. lots of driving. cold weather. some snow, some ice. cramped car. the end. oh well. at least i was home for christmas with that craziness behind me.

i got fun gifts. mayhem gave me more chenille pillows and a fun DVD set. he also confirmed that the laptop has to get serviced... again. not fun. i got a laptop case, and fun gifts from the beer. you may see a couple results of one of the gifts posted here. there are all kinds of fun ideas running through mayhem's and my heads. and i think the beer's brother is officially very intrigued by our cryptic comments about the gift. too bad, he'll just have to wonder.

with the possibility of losing my house and the closeness of my family, i am learning about all the other families i have in the area who are willing to help me should i need it. i could live with mayhem's parents... wouldn't that give me something to talk about here on the blog! the beer's family would also help out. my relatives are now pushing for me to live near them or with them. oh well... i don't want to think about this mess right now. i think a few people helped to put a little doubt in my parents' minds at least. i hope it takes root and ends up discouraging the move.

ok, well that's enough for now. i feel like i need to get a good subject to get back in the groove. or maybe i need to pull out the writings from the trip. at any rate, hope you had a good christmas and are either enjoying a relaxing day at home avoiding the after christmas shopping madness or are enjoying the after-christmas-shopping deals and that they more than make up for the crowds. much love!

i'm still alive. i'm back from my trip. and i just may be looking to kick some ass. see below for a quick description of my misery... uh, sorry... trip. although they are pretty much synonymous. i may be bitter for a couple weeks to come. and i may say a lot of bad things. just as a heads up. let me rant and i'll get nicer sometime soon.

MY HELLACIOUS VACATION, by V:
in one word, how would you describe the trip?: MISERABLE

if the trip was miserable, what were the two main things to make it so terrible?: sorry bob, but it was MISERABLE, not just everyday miserable. and the top two things were the cramped 1/3 of the back seat of a small compact car with little leg room, little body room, and enough coat padding to protect a baby thrown off the side of a cliff. and a neurotic, worry wart, guilt-tripping member of the family who was hell bent that things would go her way or the highway.

how would you describe your emotions surrounding this trip?: a mixture of pain, frustration, nausea, desperation, and the occassional homicidal tendency thrown in for good measure.

what were the funniest and saddest things you saw about cows on this trip?: cows? let's see... the funniest was seeing a little lesbianic cow action as one cow vigorously licked the genitalia side of another cow. cownilingus. the saddest things was seeing cows that had fallen down on their little watering holes because they had frozen solid. the cows walked on them, fell, and couldn't get up because they are big animals with horrible traction on hooves. i'm sure they had to be freezing with their bellies on ice and hurt with their legs all messed up, so i hope their owners found them and helped them up before they died. yes, definitely the saddest thing about cows on this trip.

i have written much more about the trip or other random thoughts that i will post throughout the next week. i probably will write something more cheerful and christmasy tomorrow since it is christmas, but i'll get the other stuff up soon. god it feels good to be home, though! and i'll be seeing mayhem in a matter of minutes now! whooo! merry christmas everyone! :)

aww damnit, i'm horrible at remembering this: if anybody or anybody you know (who doesn't know me in real life) wants a gmail invite, please let me know. i just let those damn things pile up and then i feel like a scrooge. i think everyone who wants it has it, though. so anyway... the offer's on the table.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS! I LOVE YOU GUYS!

so i realized tonight that i always have something to feel guilty about when i'm around my mother. sometimes it's for hinting at being hungry, sometimes for urging her that we better head to the store sooner rather than later (meaning i just want to spend all of her money, supposedly), and other times it's because i cannot find a gift that i was given 4 years ago, which to her means that i didn't like it and probably threw it away. i told her that i knew for a fact that i didn't throw it away, but i just couldn't hunt it down at the moment. not to mention that i've moved at least 5 times since i got it. and that honestly, yes, i did not see a great use for it at the time i received it. i am also ungrateful for having gotten a kitchen appliance that is too big to fit on a kitchen counter top at the moment since i am in a small apartment with very limited counter space. my microwave barely fit, giving just enough room to prepare a small meal and stack the dishes afterward. and i know that she does not mean to cause shame and grief like that, but she seems to have been set on automatic pilot on an eternal guilt trip. and worst of all... if she knew that she caused such guilt by the guilt-inducing comments that anybody else would be positive were said purposefully, then her feelings would be hurt and she would make a comment about never bringing up anything about your life with you ever again. sheesh. and sadly, that fact just really hit me tonight. no wonder i get stressed at home. so according to the date that i'll be giving this, i'm on the road somewhere. according to when it was written, i will leave tomorrow afternoon. that should make things crystal clear... haha.

oh, and andy... i have the ugg knockoffs in real life this time. ;)

tune in sometime after christmas... the beer has been plotting something devilish for christmas. or so i hear. the gift isn't for me, so she has me intrigued. enough for tonight. back later!

OMG! so it's a small world after all. i can't say positively if this was about me or not... but i got a little freaked the other day when i was eating out with coworkers. we went to this little restaurant and sat down at a table. just as the food was brought to us, i overheard 2 ladies at a nearby table talking. one had just asked a question about a girl and her boyfriend, and the other responded with "yeah, she nicknamed him mayhem!" i froze for a split second wondering "omg, are they talking about ME?!!!!?" and then realized i had to continue the conversation with my coworkers before they wondered what was up. so if any of you were talking about me earlier this week at a restaurant, hello and please don't blow my cover! :)

now see below for questions...

ok guys, here's the deal... if any of you want to write something for me to post for this trip, send it to me by tonight, tomorrow afternoon at the verrry latest. i'm guessing that you guys might have a couple things to read while i'm on the road, but not a full week's worth. i didn't plan enough ahead of time. however, i will take a notebook with me so i can write stuff during the trip. i'll post all of it once i return and get a free computer.

if any of you want to sneak in under the radar while mayhem is on my "fuck you" list, then also send me something before i leave. i may be very lonely on this trip away from him (and you guys), so i'll need to know my options when i return. yeah, i'm bad. but oh well.

a couple days ago, my boss asked if i was getting enaged for christmas. i told her i doubted it, and she said that now would be the perfect time because i wasn't expecing it. then that night i had a dream where i suspected her and mayhem of collaborating to surprise me with a proposal. they were both sneaking around so i got a little excited about the possibility, but i didn't want to get my hopes up. it was one of those dreams that was so realistic that i had to think about it for a minute the next day to make sure i hadn't been given any reason to wonder about it in real life. so i'm pretty sure it was just a dream. i think.

last night made me even more sure. if you're wondering why i seemed to have an aneurysm last night over the apprentice, i was just in a horrible mood. i seriously just needed to scream, and that show became the perfect outlet. it was a shitty finale, so i let the TV know. i don't think it cared. but anyway, mayhem came over last night and made me laugh, which was always good because it helped calm me down. but then i truly got upset. before it was just random frustration and whatever else that i just needed to get rid of.... but once we started talking, it was frustration with our life paths. my parents decied to be extremely generous and help mayhem pay for something that would have cost him much of his seasonal money. i made the suggestion that since he'd have an extra few hundred laying around, he needed to save it as the beginning of the engagement ring. despite having almost 6 years now to start saving for it, he could maybe scrounge together a 10-spot for the ring if he had to get it right now. that is so sad and it makes me a little mad. in other respects he makes it quite obvious that he wants us to be married, and he set a hurdle for himself that the rock had to be at least 1 ct. i placed no such limitations. but if he has those kinds of expectations, and he is still planning on getting engaged in just a few months now, then he damn well better start saving for it! and he sure as hell better find a job that gives him more than 6 hours a week! that pays for jack shit. he knows all of this and he says that he's going to do all kinds of stuff, but he never fucking does it. so last night we were supposed to be celebrating. end of work until next year, end of classes, good grades, etc etc. and it very well may be our last day together for over a week since i'll be going out of town really soon. well that all flies right out the window. i suggest that he save the money toward a ring, and he says something about if he needs to pay down for a new car...

i get pissed. i say that he puts me as a low priority every time a big decision comes up the line. small decision: hang out with me for the night vs. hang out with a buddy to play a video game that he doesn't even like anymore. i win. get a car vs. get an engagement ring so i can get married to my girlfriend of 6 years, which is what i have wanted for all but the first month of knowing her. car wins. fuck you. i hope the car has a good heater to keep you warm at night. i hope it has a nice roomy backseat for you to enjoy by yourself. if you don't plan for the future, then you never have a fucking future. oh yeah, and did i mention that he has 2 grandmothers who have already offered up their wedding sets to him/us. he has declined both, but now he claims that he won't get them until the grandmothers die. right. so grandma wants him to use her wedding set, literally over her dead body? doesn't want to see her favorite grandson get married? only gives him the greenlight if she's dead and gone? i find that very very hard to believe. so fuck you mayhem. i'm sick of this fucking shit.

ok, so i know i'm going to be considered crass and catty, but exactly how many cocks did kelly have to suck to get so many people to back him tonight on the apprentice?! i mean, damn! seems like the only one who he couldn't pleasure was the trump's henchman (the opposite of caroline). yeah, kelly pulled his shit together, but he also sucked at keeping his team in line. and it was a little freaky seeing the anger flashing as he waited to respond in the boardroom and as he listened to anything that jen said.

and i have to say that this long extended shit with regis is crap. the #1 thing i hate about reality TV is that they try to draw out 5 minutes into "2 hour special finale extravaganzas!!" kiss my ass and cut to the chase, punk. and this finale has been one of the worst (although i have watched very little reality TV so i'm not speaking from experience). everybody is cheering for kelly, but you draw this shit out for 3 fucking hours. unless you come back 1:15 hours from now (god, it's only half over!) and say "fuck all of you, i'm going with jen" then cut this shit short and make the decision, damnit. ok, enough ranting. i'll be back if jen wins. if not, then you know the obvious occurred. adios.

work was kind of frustrating today. i had a few things to do, a couple projects to wrap up, and i had planned a little celebratory thing with one of my nice coworkers. other than that, i had wrapped up everything else that needed to be done before i went out of town. i really could have been at work for just an hour and a half and been done with it all. in and out. just like that. but no. i had to be there for 8 hours. other people were still busy, so nobody was willing to goof off with me. for the hundredth time i will reiterate that i have no computer or internet as an outlet. and it doesn't look very professional to either handwrite blog entries in a notebook or read a paperback at your desk. i was going absolutely nutty. and then of course the goodbyes at the very end took longer than expected, so i was there for an extra half hour. at least it helped me to calm my nerves so i didn't make a grand exit by screaming and running down the halls toward the door. so now it's all done. unfortunately, though, i now also have a major packing job to finish. yuck. but on the upside, i think i'll see mayhem tonight. and maybe even get my window caulked. no, that really wasn't a euphemism for something sexual. my electric bill was nearly twice what it had been with the AC because i'm having to pump up the heat to compensate for drafty windows. it's really frustrating. and so are these fucking hiccups! i swear i'm going to pound my own lungs until they're too chicken shit to dare hiccup again. these are painful, wrack your entire body hiccups.

i know that none of you really wanted to know this, but i hate having to go to the bathroom during the winter while it's cold. sadly, it's been cold in the office and my home lately, so i've definitely been reminded of my dislike for this. here's my issue with it... just as soon as you get your legs all nice and warm, you have to expose them to the elements again by pulling down pants or hiking up your skirt. so you're cold again. such a vicious cycle. for guys, only a small portion of their anatomy is exposed to the cold when they pee. oh sorry... yours is a much larger proportion of anatomy than for most guys ;) no, i was just talking to you... it wasn't a blanket statement for every guy who reads this as a free ego boost. just for you because you're special.

well now that you guys are all inflated, ego-wise of course, i'll go again. i got chocolate at work today and want to snuggle under a blanket with it. yummm!

i almost forgot... i had a nice dream last night just before the alarm went off for the final time.

so in this dream i was chaperoning a big assembly for younger kids. i got up to use the restroom, and when i came back i was greeted by two hot guys. the first guy came up, made eye contact with me, and started leading me through the crowd. as we neared a group of chaperones, i realized that with the exception of myself and the old woman i was sitting next to before i left for the restroom, all the other chaperones were hot guys. hot guys who were all staring at me. the other guy who came up to me was following behind me through the crowd, but as we rounded a corner, this guy who had been behind me decided to take a more assertive stance and grab my hand. he got in front of me at that point and was leading my past all these other hot guys, hand in hand. the other hot chaperone guys... still staring at me. mmhmm :)

so these two hotties led me over to a couch set up near the stage and had me take a seat. the first guy then took a seat on a folding chair next to my couch, and the guy who held my hand settled onto the floor on my other side. soon after we sat down, we had to stand up to sing a christmas song with the kiddos. and the hand holder was so damn cute... i kid you not, he leapt to his feet in time to offer his hand to help me up. so adorable and incredibly chivalrous! i, of course, took his hand with a smile, and stood up right in front of him. nice and cozy. i made eye contact with both of the guys, and just then the last alarm went off, signaling that i had to get up right then or i would be late for work. damn. but at least i was in an exceptionally good mood as i pondered the dream while getting ready. sadly my wandering mind was still a distraction that almost made me late anyway.

i think the first guy was somebody i went to school with at some point. the second guy was my hot older neighbor. well, not a neighbor anymore because he and his wife (*sigh*) just moved.

he and his brother were my all time favorite neighbors while i was growing up. a couple of the hottest men i've ever met. and flirty as hell, too. what a lethal lethal combination... especially when i have a chance to chat with them. i know they got it from their parents. the dad is still quite handsome for being an age close to my parents', and i can only hope that i look as young as the mom when i'm her age. and she's so nice that you can't help but like talking to her, even if she's hitting you up for something or another. i'm sure the boys must have been top sellers for all their school fundraisers back in the day. i remember one night when i came home (to my parents' house) from a date around 1am or so, and the younger brother was still having a party out of their driveway. he called over to me to come have a beer with them. so of course i obliged. he happily introduced me to his guy friends, who met me with shit eating grins. plenty of heavy flirting and compliments. and i met younger bro's girlfriend, too. she was pretty and sweet, but i had become the new flavor of the moment. so anyway, the crowd got rowdy and woke up the dad. i was mid sentence with the neighbor, talking nice and close, when i saw his dad walking up behind him. i tried to discreetly whisper "oh shit, there's your dad!" but he discovered that the hard way. most of his friends took off, but the dad wasn't so upset really. he actually settled down on the porch with a beer and started star gazing. i went over and talked with him for a little while, and soon it was just my hot neighbor, his girlfriend, me, and the dad. chatting away the night. that was a great night. my parents were never the type to socialize with neighbors, and for some reason avoided this particular family. however, i had always really liked them. maybe it was the hot boy bias, who knows. at any rate, that was a fun evening and i enjoyed every minute of it. (well, until i got home at 4am with my mom scared spitless because she saw my car was home and i wasn't.) ok, definitely time to call it a night now that i've told 2 or 3 rambling stories all in one. but thanks for letting me reminisce on the world's hottest neighbors. yummmm! i'll go to bed with a smile on my face for sure! :) night lovies!

this one's for andy...




so she isn't quite like me. she appears to have misplaced her belly button, her original hair was rejected by lands end (they apparently think that women only have hair shorter than their shoulders... that's whacked) so it looks less like my hair, and she is wearing much larger undies than she would if she were truly me. but she is wearing undies and uggs. dream come true ;) merry christmas!

food is so amazing. so are drinks. i don't know which is better, really. i know i've discussed this before, which is really kind of sad. right now i crave caramel, tea, and something i can't quite distinguish just yet. so instead i'm heating up a frozen dinner... some kind of asian chicken something. my apartment is FREEZING! i have several lovely gigantic windows. nice right? wrong. thus the aforementioned freezing. i wish i had a nice big blanket. actually i do, but i have to get cold digging it out in order to get warm again. i'll have to suck it up and find it, but so far i'm just pouting.

i have some very sweet coworkers who have given me a few little gifts. very sweet of them. oh, and there are a couple of people at work who actually have computers-- laptops even! i saw them today, typing away contentedly, surfing the internet, while i sat at a lonely desk that pined away for a computer to weigh it down. they have an abundance, while i have none. doesn't the bible say something about that? oh well... that frozen dinner is ready now, and maybe i'll get off my lazy ass to find a blanket and a caramel something. maybe it'll just be the syrup on the tongue tactic again.

ok, i thought i was done, but i wasn't. i got burned as i was taking my shower tonight. i noticed that there was a little water spewing from the bathtub spout even though the shower was on, so being the environmentally conscious girl that i am, i decided to try to get all the water going through the showerhead. wellll... it only goes so far and then it starts scalding you with fantastically hot water. so it's a good thing that my belly button's photo session was last night and not tonight. i'm sure it will all be back to normal by tomorrow morning, but it still hurts tonight.

tony has inspired me. i've always kind of wanted to write a book, and now it feels more attainable. and he has reassured me that not all authors are pompous, self-involved snobs. i have known a couple people in real life who have decided that they have what it takes to write a few hundred pages worth of plot that masses of people would actually want to read. and honestly, i couldn't stand them. so i developed a theory that authors were great reads, but not worth the hoopla to meet in person. i'm sure there are exceptions, but on the whole that was my belief. he has made me reexamine that and think that maybe these people are the minority for authors, rather than the majority. or maybe it's 50/50. who cares. by the way, i don't think that i "have what it takes," but i figure it would still be an interesting experience regardless. and maybe i could do the cafe press thing and sell 10 copies. maybe even a dozen. and at day's end i would have a pretty little hardcover book sitting on the shelf and the satisfaction of knowing that i wrote that whole damn thing. something to think about. but we'll see. i may be a little too ADD to write a story that long. and i tend to get bored with writing fiction because i think there's more interest in reality if it's interesting enough. and i don't think i have enough great posts to create an entire book of them. but who knows... by the time i get around to this thing i may have enough.

but it's time to get to bed. i was really going to ask if anybody cared to interview me. i thought it might be a fun thing to do. logistics may be a little tricky since i'm back at work tomorrow, but all things are possible. so dust off your press hat and find your little pencil with matching pad of paper...

happy holidays

i have such fun with you guys. i don't know what i'll do when i'm gone. you guys may have to go without me. i'll have to go without you. maybe during work the next couple of days i can spend all my time writing things (by hand because we're too ghetto to have computers), and then i'll post them all on friday with pre-dates and just trust that you all are responsible enough to read only the allotted days during the correct times. or that you'll handle it ok if you read everything in one day and then have nothing to read for the next 5 days. either way is really ok. i just don't want a mutiny or revolt on my hands when i come home. it would be so sad to come back to just 2 readers.

so have i mentioned that all my little plants are gone? i had some baby cacti (that weren't faring too well in my cold drafty window and with my semi-haphazard watering schedule) and a little christmas tree. but mayhem had to take them to his place so they wouldn't die while i was gone. or if they did it wasn't due to neglect and abandonment. i have had an ambivalent relationship with plants. it is similar to my feelings toward fish. they aren't cuddly and friendly, and in the case of cacti and some of the meaner varieties of fish, they have a bite. both are things that you have to care for, and yet you receive little in return. oddly enough, mayhem likes both fish and plants. he got me on this whole plant thing. got me 2 plants that i managed to keep on the brink of death for a couple years before they finally bit the dust for good. so for some reason, i now have 5 plants. and am babysitting somebody else's plant... which means that mayhem is now babysitting their plant.

so yes, plants have grown on me a little. i kind of like the idea that they are still living because of me. and if they die, it takes about 3 minutes to get over it. just long enough to walk the carcass to the dumpster. i nurse sick ones in hopes that it becomes "nurse them back to health." i'll let you know if i ever succeed on that one. fish still take more work. people have told me that the payoffs are also greater, but so far i'll live without. i have gone a couple times for about 3 weeks in between washing dishes because i didn't feel like it. so if i was that spectacular on my own, then imagine what i would do to a fish that expects its water to be changed on a weekly basis. mayhem and i have agreed that should we get married and he still wants a fish tank, then it will be his sole responsibility. he will change the water, pick the fish, feed them, clean them, and whatever else is entailed in this whole shebang. if they grow on me and i get into it, then fabulous. if not, oh well... the original agreement stands.

so, there you go. fish and plants. and not dead in a meal. i have no idea where any of this was going or what my original plan in writing was, so never mind.

my holiday card for anybody who missed it.

quick question: would anybody be interested in writing something and emailing it to me so it can be used as a guest post while i'm out of town? and is there a way to post things in advance and date it forward, but not have it show up until that time? i've tried it before and it posted when i published it, just with the other date. thanks in advance!

Happy Holidays from Vortexia's Secret!

artwork by mayhem
body by vortexia

i just need to make a quick announcement in case any of you are confused. i will not, under any circumstances, accept a collect call from inmate services. i probably will not accept collect calls period. so if any of you just tried to make a collect call from jail to my phone, i'm sorry but my phone rejected it and i would have told it no thanks if i were given the option. inmates kind of freak me out. funny thing, really. so use your one call for somebody else. it must really suck to be whoever this person was... they used their one phone call to call my phone which was probably a wrong number (99.9% sure about that) and it was rejected anyway.

so scott peterson got the death penalty. why is he such a big deal anyway? i mean, how many people commit murder every day? and i'm sure there's a certain fraction who are asshole men who get pissed off with their wives/girlfriends and just lose it. so anyway... i guess he's gonna die. years from now of course. they should really call it the sampler penalty or something. you get a little of the jail time. probably a little of the gangbanging time. maybe a little solitary. some time on death row. and finally a death.

i'm having a dirty day. not a bad day or a day where i'm angry or mean or anything. but a day where i'll be dirty and teasing and smartass and crass and say things i shouldn't say. like calling the death penalty the sampler. so today's the day.... questions? bring 'em on. comments, bet they can't be worse than what i'll come back with. so let's have some fun!

last night i had a christmas party. turned out to be a bunch of people who knew each other... and then mayhem and me. we were kind of the oddballs out, but it turned out ok. i zoned out during the shop talk stuff, and made an impression with my entrance. i brought dirty cocktail napkins and was wearing a tight semi-see-through shirt that (mayhem told me afterward) made my boobs look HUGE (well i guess they already are though!). anyway, heads turned. i was also the only girl there who wasn't engaged, and there were 4 available men there. so being a girl in need of a little entertainment, i found the cutest single boy there, and locked eyes with him. he was mine from that point forward. the whole group would be having a conversation and i'd look over to see him staring at me. right in the eyes. this happened over and over throughout the night. sometimes with a smile, sometimes looking over at me when laughing at a joke, and sometimes just staring. at one point in the night, i had to get up and find some chapstick in my purse, and the only way out of the tight space where we were all crammed was to stand up, rotate around and step over a couple people, which put my butt right in his face. NOT done on purpose, but i had no choice. mayhem claims that this guy was staring front and center at that point. and at the end of the night, he looked right at me when he said "it was nice meeting you" to the general group before leaving. ah yes, the powers of a beautiful woman.

on the way home, i told mayhem that the guy kept checking me out all night. according to him all of the guys there were checking me out. and then he asked a bad question: "so where was he staring? your ass or your boobs?" normally not a bad question to ask, but since this guy was staring at my face, i had to bust his balls a little. so i asked why he could only be staring there and why he wouldn't want to look at my face, which some people consider pretty. you could hear the "oh shit" go down in his head. so he stumbles and mumbles and says something about of course i had a beautiful face and blah blah. he didn't really get in trouble for it, but i just wanted to give him a little bit of a hard time.

last night after the party, mayhem came in for a little while to cuddle and make out. i think it as one of the nicest times we've had together in a LONG time. he borrowed my chapstick on the drive home, so both of our lips were silky buttery soft. and we were that right temperature of warmness. warm enough that snuggling up together feels perfect and cozy, but not so warm that the guy starts to sweat. all in all, it was a fabulous evening.

ok, so as somebody who always made fun of the oxygen network, i have to make a global apology to anybody i made fun of and to the network in general. i have been cracking up at their movies for a couple hours now. so please forgive me, you are not the man-hating she-bitch network that i somehow thought you were. you are fun and sexy and make me laugh.

so i forgot something funny about last night. a week or two ago mayhem and i went grocery shopping down to the wire. we ran into the store at like 11:30 or so and decided to get as many groceries as we could in 30 minutes. and in a store where we had never been before. so anyway.... he decided that he wanted cheese and crackers to eat while we watched a late night video. we made the mistake of going to an expensive frou frou store, so every kind of cheese was pretentious and costly. and then... i found this amazing cheese spread that i've had before. so we got that, found some crackers for it, and left. he wasn't so sure about how good they were, but decided to take a chance. so to make this long story a little shorter, he's now thoroughly addicted to the stuff. i think part of why he even comes to see me now is to eat all of my cheese spread. he finished off all the crackers last night, and i swear i saw him licking the knife after the crackers were gone. so anyway, i thought that was funny.

so i'd have to say yesterday wasn't one of the best days. actually, it was pretty shitty in the emotional department. lots of drama was dredged up and i had to try to reason with some people who are entirely too sensitive and stubborn. the type where it is possible to look at them wrong and never hear the end of it. so there was this argument where i was tiptoeing on eggshells, and in return got a polite and respectful "i just ain't gonna change it" response. at least i didn't evoke the wrath that happens if you step on the hidden minefield. that in itself was a huge blessing. this conversation needed to be done. and apparently i did as well as i could, although i'm a little worried that the last thing i said sent it over the top... i'll find out this afternoon, i guess. so anyway, all that shit made me really emotional. poor mayhem had to try to console me. for the most part he's excellent at that. every once in a while, his ADD will kick in and he'll forget that saying or doing something would be inappropriate at that moment. but he tries to be in touch with what's ok and not ok.

he tried to get me out of the house, but since i would randomly just tear up, i didn't feel up to public humiliation. we did get air in my tires, though. FINALLY! i have been asking him to go with me to put more air in the front tires for probably 3 months now. not exaggerating. i think i was needed a little top off ever since i moved into this apartment. one of them recently had just gotten so bad that i was worried about driving it another week all the way to work and back. so thankfully all of that is taken care of now. and today will be a better day... unless the last thing i did last night really fucked things up. but as long as that didn't happen, then today should be a better day. love you guys!


question: would you ever marry a professional sports player? for either answer: why?

apparently i am the official source for info on the death of dimebag darryl. i was also the source to learn about ivana from the apprentice stripping off her skirt to sell candy. (maybe the girl scouts were doing research on how to up their cookie sales!) and i tend to be a nice place to look when you want to find something on victoria's secret. i never knew i was an expert before! nice.

today is blah. that's really all i can describe. emotional crap just left me blah... not wanting to deal with it and not quite able to ignore it. there's stuff to do around the apartment... blah. i don't want to do it right now. nothing really appeals. completely apathetic. eat, watch TV, play a movie, clean, water the plants, wrap gifts, read a book, check email? sure, whatever. devoid and apathetic. yuck. i give up.

wow, today has been a rollercoaster of a day. it's been a pretty public fallout today... i think almost everybody in my life has heard it, so i don't think i can really share it all here. but it's been a bitch of a day. if any of you care to know about it in person, then you can email or IM me and i'll fill you in on the details. i have definitely been kicked in the stomach, humbled, bitch slapped, and guilt tripped by life today, though. and for some reason i was every other driver's bitch today. i kid you not, at least 3 drivers blasted their horn at me because THEY were being irresponsible drivers. first one tried to merge into the lane i was already merging into. tried to merge in behind me while the back half of my car was still on that section of the pavement. so he honks at ME as if i had jack shit to do with his stupidity. another one honked at me because he had to merge a good 20 feet ago and decided that the best place to merge was exactly into my car and was upset that i had the gall to there already. that time i had been in that lane for a good 10 minutes at least. and then there was the one whose lane ended and he just rode the median for awhile until it became exit only, so then he honked at me as if i were the idiot driving in a non-lane. seriously what gives?! was today the merge-like-shit-and-honk-at-random-good-drivers day? whatever. that was the least of my worries since none of them actually hit me. just raised my blood pressure as i screamed at them that it was their damn fault so don't get mad at me. oh yeah, and one of them flipped me off. nice.

today was also a good day in some ways. i saw friends and i saw a couple people i like at work. i was also cut down at work, but i'll live. oh yes, and today was also kind of humbling... i felt better about some of the things that have been stressing me out majorly because i talked to friends about those issues. they were sympathetic and understanding, and tried to be reassuring. it's kind of a tough time right now, and it probably won't get much easier until i know what's going to happen in my life. so bear with me for the next 8 months or so if you can. i will certainly try to continue the more light-hearted posts as well, but i may need a little help and support in dealing with these big life events. so if you can take a little bad with the good, then please ride out those times with me. you guys are part of my support network really. ok, that's it for tonight, but i'll be back tomorrow. love you guys!

question: how hard and scary was the transition to real life for you? have you ever had to live paycheck to paycheck? how did you handle that?

so i was a nerd today and decided to listen to a little NPR on my drive home from work. i switch over when none of the radio music grabs me and i don't feel like listening to one of my old CDs. anyway, that's irrelevant. what does matter is that dimebag darryl died today. if you asked who, then i'll connect the dots for you. death rocker dimebag darryl abbott of pantera and damage plan fame. yep, he was performing at a concert in ohio (i think) and some crazy guy ran onto the stage and shot him several times at point blank range right in the chest. then he opened fire on several other people and ended up killing 4 or 5 people total that night. i think one of the other guys shot or even killed was a police officer. my guess for motive? insane nut job. he ended up getting shot in the head by police. now i guess everything's just speculation for why it happened. mayhem said apparently some people are theorizing that it had something to do with the anniversary of john lennon's murder, and that it was strangely similar. killed by a fan, shot in the chest, on the same day. anyway, i was never a major fan of theirs or anything, but it still sucks. and what a crappy way to die.

i'm a little disappointed today. here's why:
1) i realized that the virtual model thing isn't very accurate. after i made the mini me, i tested the boundaries. i made a woman who was 4'11" and 350 lbs. she looked like big gwenyth on shallow hal. not big enough. i mean, that short and that big, she would be way less defined and way bigger. plus there was not a dimple of cellulite on her. so then i made her 6'4" and 50 lbs. should have looked like a skeleton with a thin layer of skin, but no... she had big boobs, no ribs showing, no stick legs, nothing. so not entirely accurate on the extremes, but otherwise fairly good.

ok, i have been trying to write this for awhile now. once again, my to do list is way bigger than i am. i had to bake a few dozen cookies tonight, clean off the counter enough to have space to cook, clean the fireplace, oh lordy there's so much to do. and tomorrow's a busy day too. i have to go into work again and buy more crap at the store because i did a half-assed job today, even though i thought i got all the necessary stuff. and i have to go out that night. so i'll be running around tomorrow and unable to harrass any of you at work ;) i know it'll be hard to make it through the day without me. anyway, i'll be sending you all love even if i'm not posting up to par tomorrow. love you guys!!

so here's the latest installment of Q and A.

I afraid J-Mo opened a Pandora’s box and I can't get my mind out of the gutter... so...What’s you favorite mood to be in? i.e. naughty/nice... Position..Setting..Location..Wildest place ever..Where would you want to..Ok well I think I've adequately coverd everything. -d rant

wow, you guys really do want all the dirty little details, dont you? i'll answer the first and last. the others will have to stay the subject of fantasy and imagination. so anyway, here we go. between naughty and nice, i would have to say that feeling naughty can be pretty damn fun. however, if i'm in the nice mood because mayhem has been especially sweet, then that beats everything.

where would i want to... many ideas for that, but one of the top ones is definitely under a waterfall. i have learned of two possible locations. one is a warm-water waterfall, which is rare since most are just a few degrees above freezing. that definitely has an advantage since the guy won't have to worry about major shrinkage, and neither of us will have to worry about freezing pieces of our anatomy off. however, the other one has a rock underneath that looks like a chair. that could obviously be comfortable. hahaha, one of my friends and i used to have a thing for the big hummers... back before the H2 came out. so i decided i wanted to have sex on the hood of a hummer out in the forest. you know, back in the days of playing "would you rather" late at night. now, i could live without that one. hmmm, visiting mayhem at his office one night when he's working late. ok, onto the next topic...

here's a question for ya to ponder v: you know the qualities that you look for in a mate... but what will you put up with that you don't necessarily look for. aka what types of qualities would be straws the camel could handle verses those that the camel can't. -the beer

that's a very good one. i cannot put up with somebody who degrades women and especially me. i'm not a traditional woman, and don't plan on becoming one to please you. i hate it when guys are overly cocky, although i live with it from time to time. at least with mayhem it's generally "i knew that" when he didn't. i can live with stinky boy feet and pits, some laziness, cussing (obviously). i can't handle a guy who's too full of himself, ignores me, would even think about hurting me in any way, bosses me around, cusses me out, has unrealistic expectations of me. if i move mountains, then be happy for me... but i don't, then don't be disappointed because you expected more. i'm sure there are more on each side, but i can't think of them. if you're truly curious, give me a list and i'll say yes or no to them.

What does Mayhem think of the occasional posts where you are critical of his actions or things you think he should have done but didn't? He does read your blog, right? And why doesn't he post comments? Oh, and do you think he is sometimes critical of you to his friends or does he basically realize that you are perfect? -andy

mayhem actually doesn't read the blog. generally when i'm critical of him in a post, he already knows he's in trouble. so his reaction would probably be the same as in real life. he usually admits when he's fucked up and is sorry about it. every once in a while he'll try to defend himself based on being practical or something. but he's generally very good about owning up to his mistakes, or acknowledging that he could have done something more. when this baby started, mayhem was given the option to read, but he pretty much decided against it. every once in a blue moon he'll read it, but he usually doesn't tell me when he does. i asked him before why he never leaves comments, but i'm still not sure why. i think he just wasn't really comfortable with the idea. maybe one of these days i'll find a way to get a guest post out of him. and thankfully, to reassure those of you who worry about mayhem hunting you down and kicking your ass for flirting with his girl, he is secure and trusting. he knows guys flirt with me, but he can trust me. he really kind of enjoys that he has that girl that everyone else loves, too. and finally...

i'm pretty sure that mayhem isn't critical of me to his friends. although part of it could be that i'm friends with all of his friends, i think it's generally because he thinks i'm perfect. i don't mean to sound egotistical and full of myself when i say that. it truly is pretty much what he thinks. he tells me i'm perfect probably at least once a week, and i think he has gotten upset with me twice in 6 years. and it lasted for maybe 15 minutes. so i'm pretty sure he doesn't gripe about me to his friends, and i think several of them kind of look for qualities like mine when looking for dates... although they probably wouldn't admit it to me. you don't tell one of the guys that you want a date like them. sadly, some of the guys just look for anything female that moves.

as for the sweet little compliment embedded into the question, thanks!!! to everyone, have a great night and a wonderful day tomorrow! hugs and kisses!

question: what are your daily little blessings? the things that catch you off guard and make you smile?

ok, so i come home from work and check blogs. i see several virtual models, so i get curious. find the site and give it a try. here's the little chicky who looks kinda like me.

ok, so i started answering the latest round of questions, but it is way too late to finish all of it now. so i'll get to it tomorrow. after all, i have to get up early tomorrow.

but really quickly i have to sy a great big hello to all the new readers today! i appreciate the new reader and commentorship. ok, have a good night everyone. i'll be back tomorrow after work.

question: what quality do you find sexiest? AND should i ever consider resurrecting the maybes again?

i am still in control. i don't have a problem. just don't try to take it from me and nobody will get hurt. if you're thinking wtf, let me explain. i started craving something sweet, so what did i do? i pulled the bottle of caramel syrup out of the fridge and started swirling the sweet, sinful, delicious goodness straight onto my tongue. pull tongue back in mouth, savor for a few moments, and swallow. repeat. wow, i didn't know it could taste sooooo good. but i'm still in control. i'm not an addict. i can stop any time. i can't think of any of the other lame PSA lines. ok, obviously not that addicted to caramel syrup, but it is damn good. and a nice sweet way to celebrate the end of school. yum!

i'm finished. all done. no more. i have almost a one month break from school to savor! i know that i have an A in one of my classes, and i would bet that i do in the rest of them too. i know, i know... i'm an over achiever. but i like it that way.

on another topic, does anybody have any hair advice for me? i'm getting tired of the same old thing with my hair. yes, it generally still looks cute, but i want a little more variety. with minimal time input. i usually take about a minute to fix my hair. i got lucky that my hair can look good with so little work. so anyway, let me know if you have ideas.

i just have to say that i love when the leaves change colors. it helped to offset my hatred of idiot drivers as i drove to class tonight.

my last question still stands, since nobody has responded yet.
question: have you been naughty or nice? what do you want for christmas?

i'm bored. but i would much rather be bored at home than be at school right now. at first i was thinking that i would get to sleep in more this week than others. but no such luck. i'll have to get up early more this week than usual. which i know i shouldn't complain about since most people have to get up early every day of the week. and i'll have to soon, too.

for some reason my heat kept coming on way more than usual. which is certainly fine if you need it. but i was sleeping nude and still had to throw off the covers because it was getting so hot in herrrre. once i got up i turned down the heat, so i can be more comfortable tonight. but of course i'll have to get up early tomorrow for work. oh well... i'll survive. well i think it's about time i get dressed since i still have night class.

question: have you been naughty or nice? what do you want for christmas?

ok, so i got home much later than expected. but that's ok because it was a good day. i really am not sure what to write about. i'm tired, i have had good thoughts and dreams lately. i think that really is proving that i need to live a stress-free life. i woke up this morning still quite tired, though, now that i think about it. i was up late for some reason, and had a small headache when i went to bed. normally you wake up and it's all gone, but it was somehow worse this morning. that's never happened to me before. so i chugged down 3 tylenol and went on my merry way.

so in case you are wondering and waiting impatiently for the christmas photo, you'll have to keep waiting. i didn't get the picture done this weekend, but am still definitely planning on it for the next weekend. i certainly hope it happens.

i don't know what else to write. i'm tired and can't think straight. for some strange reason i think that i may be getting an ipod for christmas. i really don't know why, but the idea has popped into my head a couple times. i don't think anybody can really afford it, but i guess you never really know. randomly, that reminded me. it always surprises me a little when my dad shows that he can be "with it." like you mention something that is kind of new or technological and don't have to explain it to him because he already knows. like he knows about ipods. and what PDAs are. and backing up sensitive data. and a couple TV shows that i figured he wouldn't have known about because he rarely watches TV. it's really cool and surprising. i know many of you are probably thinking it's not hard to know about that kind of stuff, but it's not what typically enters his world. he's not the dad that many of you have who listens to oldies or classic rock. he isn't the kind of dad who sits down with a beer to watch marathon sports on the weekends. he isn't the gadget dad. he is his own person who doesn't really fit those stereotypical molds. don't get me wrong, i love that about him and i wouldn't want him to change. it just surprised me to discover that some of that stuff still made it on his radar. kind of cool if you ask me.

and these are the ramblings of a deliriously tired person. it's hard to define the undefinable. so i should stop trying and go to bed. if we're both lucky i'll post the missing post tomorrow. it would be one about the things that happened this weekend. it will be good if it ever gets finished. muah!

question: are you a "best i've ever had," or a "best i have right now"? i'm just going to leave it vague to be interpreted as you wish. it can be for life in general, your sexual prowess, your blogging quality/style, whatever. what would you say i am?

i just have to take a moment really quickly to say something. i found it strange when i checked out the weblog awards that the only person i was familiar with was tony pierce. i assumed that raspil would have been a shoe in for best blog design (although maybe she isn't up there because she took down the design). and that the ones that were nominated wouldn't look quite so cluttered or boring. several of them had dozens of little boxes with just stuff in them. sensory vomit. i find it funny that some girl who was nominated is not livid because she thinks people are cheating. and maybe they are. but i don't care since i'm not part of it. reminds me of middle school shit if they are, and if you freak over it. i've heard of 4 of the ones nominated for best blog and haven't checked out any of them. i haven't heard of a single top 100 blog that was nominated. you'd think to be that popular they would be household names or something.

i find it surprising, but i guess it's kind of normal. i mean, it's not like in real life where you are fully aware of all the other people in the world because you pass them, drive with them, stand behind them in line, work with them, etc on a daily basis. on the internet you kind of know there's a ton of shit out there and that blogging has become kind of popular, but you don't really have a decent concept of it. you figure that if you know about them and think they're big that they really are. i would be curious (if i found the patience and time to do it) to see what these top people are talking about. see if they're worth the hype or are a yawn compared to my regulars. honestly, my bet is on the 2nd more than the first.

if they ever make a category for blogger who discuses personal boobie growth the most, then you better believe i'll win that one! but now it's off to bed. i actually have stuff to do tomorrow.

If you had to be severely allergic to either milk or chocolate... which would you choose: chocolate without milk, or female without chocolate? --the beer

that's a hard one. i'm assuming you meant milk without chocolate instead of "female without chocolate." it would be a hard decision to have to make, but i think ultimately i would rather have chocolate over milk. i would hate to sacrifice all the amazing things that milk makes possible, but at the same time i would hate to live without chocolate. i'm just thankful i can have both.

Sexual Fantasy? Anything in particular? --j mo

hmmmmm.... how much to share?? if you don't want to know what i have thought about before, then don't keep reading. sexual fantasies... catholic school girl. a big strong fireman who can lift me up like it was nothing... and throw me down later. mmmm, a man in scrubs. not the elastic waistband type, but the drawstring, clings to the ass kind of scrubs. a hot marine in dress and the short military hair. hmm, and some voyeurism. enough to be sexy, but not embarrassing. i think that's enough to share.

more questions? comments? send them my way. i'll probably be back tomorrow evening. hugs and kisses!

what do you look for in a mate? i look for all the typical stuff. those answers that sound cheesy to guys... they have to make me laugh, be cute, be intelligent, blah blah. but i think it's more complicated than those fast little responses. make me laugh and turn me on, sometimes at the same time. know when to take things seriously, and when to be a kid again. treat me as well as i deserve to be treated... or as close as you can get on this earth. show me how much you love me, and truly mean it... don't take me for granted, don't get tired of me, don't assume that you'll see me smiling and laughing tomorrow and ignore me today. love that i am kind, that i'm a people person, that i love with all my heart. don't get jealous because i love other men and am wealthy with friends. trust me more than others might think is wise... i won't break that bond if i know you value it as much as me.

i am so grateful that i have all of that. i have a man that has been known to stop dead in his tracks and say "oh god, you're so cute!" even if i'm pouting or angry. a man that may tell me, "damn you're so sexy" when i'm in pajama pants and an old t-shirt. a man who is willing to make a fool of himself to make me laugh, and will act like a kid in public if i'm up for it. a man who has said that one of his favorite things about me is how kind i am to everyone and how i'm determined to make a difference. a man who invites me out with the boys because he knows that i'm friends with them, too. a man who will sit patiently while i talk to friends on the phone because he knows how important they are to me, and who doesn't worry about a single friendship i have with another guy. a man who sometimes out of the blue surprises you with how smart he really is when he cares. a man who secretly has a big heart for those in his life, even if he doesn't want them to gush over his good deeds. seriously, how did i get so lucky?

so what do you look for in a mate?

so yesterday i meant to write another update, but you can see that didn't happen. i'll get to it sometime soon. i feel like i'm on crack or something. something that makes you super-energized. i kind of lulled around this morning, but all of a sudden i jumped up, got dressed, and was out the door running. i crossed more things off the to do list today than in every other day of the year combined, i think. i'm actually ahead of the game a little now, and i went to several stores in just a couple hours. that's pretty damn good. seriously it's been insane. i had planned to spend the day really enjoying the fact that i don't have any more school work hanging over my head. you know, watching TV movies, reading, taking excessive naps after sleeping in really late just because you can, taking a nice long bath... that kind of thing. but instead, i had the energy to be productive because i didn't have anything hanging over my head. it was SO freeing!!! i haven't felt that unburdened in a long time! so anyway, i just wanted to share that. i'll come back with my update and answers to the questions here in a little bit. first i want to eat dinner.

so the beer has asked for my list of hottest women. i think kate hudson is so gorgeous and has an infectious personality, too. she's definitely at the top of my list. jennifer aniston is too. she is so pretty and sweet. julia roberts is another one. she's beautiful and cute, and when she laughs... well, how could you not laugh with her?

after those three come sandra bullock, angelina jolie, and carmen electra. i don't think they're quite as hot as the top 3, but still worthy enough to deserve mention. i know carmen electra might seem like a surprising choice since most women apparently say she's trashy, but she is pretty and fun.

i'll wait for other questions to come in before i answer the chocolate or milk question, but i figured lovely ladies could have a post of their own.

yes, when can we expect more pictures? you're a hot girl, why are you holding out? -tony

you can expect more pictures shortly. i hope. i actually just thought of a really fun and festive idea for a christmas picture. maybe i could do it as an online christmas card to all my loyal readers. i was too new and not yet posting pics last christmas, so i think it may be time.

i will have to enlist the help of a willing volunteer to take the picture. he or she should also have at least basic artistic skills and be willing to have some fun with the endeavor. that's really all that i'm at liberty to say at this time. i will first offer the gig to mayhem, but let me know if any of you would be willing to assist me if he declines.

as for the holding out question... i never meant to hold out on you guys. at first, it was because i moved. then i couldn't find my camera. then i realized i didn't have the software to install on the new computer. i have now used a better alternative involving a card reader, but have not yet taken any new pictures. if you guys have any suggestions for the pics, then let me know. here are the guidelines: i'm staying anonymous so don't ask for a pic of my face; this blog is read at many workplaces internationally so it can't be something X rated... not that i would put them up otherwise. i have an idea that i want to use if i do this online christmas card thing, but for future pics, let me know what you'd be interested in.

would you ever compete on fear factor if given the chance? Would you want to jump from helicopters and eat live bugs? -the beer

definitely not. i think i've only watched maybe half a show before and have never really had much interest in it. i would like to ride in a helicopter sometime in my life, but don't think i would want to jump out of it unless there was an extremely compelling reason... like that it was crashing and they had conveniently put a parachute pack on my back and instructed me on how to use it moments before the aforementioned crashing. live bugs... ew. no thanks.

if i had my pick, something like a sure thing lottery would be more my speed. more money. less humiliation. less bugs. less danger of dying. but since there is no such thing as a sure thing lottery and i don't spend money on lottery tickets because i'm pretty positive i'll never win, i think i better keep my day job. once i have one that pays.

Who are your "Movie Guys." Not just the Standard Brad Pitt answer. But those guy who you find attractive but have no idea why.. C__'s fav is Brendan Fraser and Johnny Depp, which I think is weird because they're so different. So who and why? -d rant

ok, i'm not positive who does and does not fall into the standard category, so i'll just try to think of who i find attractive and maybe even explain the couple that might seem to be different from the norm. so i'm sure this adds points on the "typical girl" scale, but i do think brad pitt is hot. although it's not just because he's hot. i have to look at more than just that. he also does super sweet things for his wife (damn jennifer aniston, why's she have to be so cute and irresistable?) and seems like he'd be fun. i also have a thing for vin diesel. i know he's either a love or a hate pick, and that most men hate that i would find him attractive. however, he fulfills that bad boy thing for me. tattoos, deep voice, smouldering eyes that look right into you, strong, protective, bad, but oh so good. samuel l. jackson, i think partly because of the roles he plays and his deep voice. josh hartnett. sometimes ryan phillippe. rocker boys often do it for me, but so do cute sweethearts. i have been very lucky to know many sweet and attractive guys. hmmm, who else? the typical guys don't always do it for me. brendan fraser looks goofy, although i did have a huge crush on a guy once upon a time whose friends thought he looked like brendan fraser. i can't see the johnny depp as a pirate thing either. he can be hot at times, but he can also be unattractive.

i usually like tall guys, and some muscle. too much muscle like the power lifters is gross. but strong arms and a nice chest to cuddle and nuzzle and stroke is good. if they have ripped abs, then all the better, but i honestly think that a little buddha belly is cute too. if it's little. i call them food babies and like to lovingly pat them. ok, maybe that was too much info. oh, i also often like shorter hair. although i have seen some pretty hot guys with rasta dreds. no joke. there was one guy i met on a train who was so hot. he had rasta dreds and had nice arms. his wife had matching little dreds in an adorable short cut that would be oh so cute for any occasion. i know that isn't a list of more guys, but maybe you still find it interesting.



well that's it for now at least. more questions are always welcome. i know d rant said he had more to ask, and i'm sure somebody else can think of something too. so just let me know what you're dying to ask and i'll answer! now it's really late and time for bed. so g'night!

ok, so i watched the apprentice tonight and have to say it's about damn time they got rid of the bitch. ivana. she's so delusional. she claimed she was wearing more clothing when she stripped off her skirt than the other 2 girls. ok, let me weigh in on this one. both of the girls in question were wearing tank tops and skirts. one girl's skirt was mid-thigh length, but the other's was knee length. extremely modest for sex appeal selling. ivana on the other hand had hitched up a t-shirt to expose her entire midriff below her chest and was already wearing a short miniskirt. so then she took off the skirt to see candy bars and said she was still wearing more than the other girls. and she talked for about 5 minutes on TV (so i'm sure in real life it was even longer) about how the other girls looked like hookers. please, i've worn worse to clubs and had to walk the street to a parking lot at 2 in the morning and have never been mistaken for a hooker. and i sincerely doubt i ever will. so i just find it so funny that this ivana chick is delusional and bitchy and so much else. she's just been a joke this whole time.

i worked 10 hours today. but it was actually ok because i really felt like i was part of the staff. i've done several internships in my time, and it is always a challenge to get respect. especially in ones where you just work there for a couple days a week. people don't see you enough to realize that you're staff, but see you often enough to not stop you and ask why you're there. they think you're weird when you follow up on something with them 5 days later because that's the next work day for you. people forget your name and supervisors can't decide if you're working hard or not because they find it harder to base productivity on a fraction of full time. and so it goes. so i've always worked harder than necessary and heavily networked. i put on a happy face and probably act more cheerful about being at work than i do at times when i'm hanging out with friends. i have to say it works exceedingly well. the downside, though, is that just when we all get attached, i leave. they ask me to stay in touch, but that's always hard. i get another internship, so i'm busy. when i do visit, they often think it's a little strange because i'm voluntarily going to a former workplace and hanging out. plus they are still busy and can only talk for a couple minutes. so anyway.... that was a huge tangent. but yes, i worked serious overtime today. however, i bonded with a couple more coworkers and felt like part of the staff. and i don't think my good deeds went unnoticed.

i always hate the paradox with work. on one hand, if you're out the door the second the clock hits 5, then it looks bad. on the other hand, if you stay extra hours and put in the schmooze time, then you're essentially working in your free time instead of doing something more fun. i hate it. i enjoy my personal life enough to not want to spend it at work, but i want to succeed at the same time.

i'm too damn cold now so i'm going to pump up the heat, find a blanket and some slippers, maybe make some hot chocolate or cider and then cozy up to address the questions. i'm so excited so i want to be nice and comfy for that post. but of course relatively few of you read on fridays. but it's usually the best day for new good posts. oh well. on to warmth!

i nearly forgot. does anybody have questions or comments? i ask from time to time and generally get comments but no questions in return. i love the comments and all, but if you do have any questions then feel free to ask. silly, serious, whatever.

so i got up this morning and briefly considered wearing the cute shoes i just bought. but there's something about the soft warm fuzzy shoes i often wear to work that appealed on such a cold morning. so i decided to change. got to chat with some coworkers and it was SO nice not to have to work on that paper during all my down time.

one of the girls i work with seems so incredibly high maintenance. she always wears ultra-expensive trendy new outfits and has that "i'm better than you" attitude.

i might wear the shoes tomorrow if i get adventurous. and i think i'll drink something yummy tonight. and i wish i were more creative and had some time.

i'm realizing i think i have a thing for super short hair on guys. mayhem cuts his hair really short and it's hot. brad pitt buzzes his hair and it's hot. chad michael murray does it and it's also hot. i could go on.

i think i need to stretch my legs tonight so i can wear the heels for over 10 hours straight tomorrow. maybe i'll show them off from a sitting position.

i'm starting to feel like such a grownup sometimes. it's WEIRD. i'm getting performance evaluations at jobs. i'm having company christmas parties. i'm supposed to help people feel comfortable at the party. circulate and mingle with people who aren't enjoying the awkward company party kind of thing. (it's alcohol-free for those of you who thought of that easy solution.)

ok, people are making constant references to me getting married now. in some ways it's exciting and i like it. plus it's kind of nice that others seem as excited about mayhem and me as i am. but in other ways it's a little funny to me because it's so different from what i'm used to. people telling me i'm so young and should enjoy the wild years. people saying i have plenty of obligations to fill before even considering the "adult" stuff. and on and on. of course it also makes me feel like i'm constantly talking about marriage too. like i said, i don't want to turn into one of those girls.