Tuesday, November 30, 2004


ok, so i have a pair of shoes for the upcoming wedding, but i already hate them. don't get me wrong they are incredibly adorable, but i had to loop around about 4 times, call mayhem and the store, and try to decide on the lesser of 2 evils on which size fitted better. ugh, i was so fed up with it. but i have the shoes, and they can hopefully trudge through snow and ice. and i got milk to make it through the week. and i sat through classes. and i messed around and wasted time. and i really can't think of a way to make this into a decent post.

let's see. shoes. food. laughs. classes. having half the wait staff flirt with us. contemplating a schedule change. bitching about classes. these are a few of the things i did today. can't call them favorite things. that list would be much nicer and may happen another time soon. well i think i get evaluated again at the office this week or next, so i better actually get some sleep tonight. night!


Monday, November 29, 2004

I'm back... 

ok, i'm finally back home. horrible driving weather, slick streets, passed a couple wrecks, had to pack the car in rain and huge puddles. yuck. but i'm home now. things still aren't unpacked, but i'll get to it soon. i'm feeling overwhelmed right now, though. i have a huge list of things i need to get. some at the grocery, some at the hardware store, some at a bookstore, some at a target, etc. i have lots of christmas stuff to unpack and decorating to do. i love doing it, but i'm not at all sure where i'll put everything. plus i don't have a christmas tree. so i don't know if i'll go buy a little one or go without. my parents decided we weren't going to get one this weekend after all. it's been a tradition for years. so that was upsetting. they won't get it until christmas and supposedly keep it up for weeks afterward. but my mom always packs away the christmas stuff as soon as she can. like the day after christmas she puts away everything. and then a couple days after that, down comes the tree and out to the curb.

ok, on a related topic, i think i'm having a quarterlife crisis. and it will get WAY worse before it gets better. the typical quarterlife crisis is just kind of a stressful time as your life changes. you leave school and have to start a real 9-5 job, pay all the bills, live on your own, and all of that. it's the time when you really have to prove yourself and make it. it's also the time where everything in your life changes. you may get married, start living the couple life, and all those tough life transitions. but in general your family life (with your original family) is stable. if you screw things up too badly or you need to cry to your parents, at least you have that. they can help you out, give you advice, or tell you things are ok. but all of that will be changing for me too. my parents are planning on moving. like not just to a different house but like way the hell cross country have to take a plane to see them kind of move. i don't have my mentor anymore. i won't have my family to fall back on when i go out on my own. mayhem and i will have to move wherever we can find employment. hopefully it will be in the same area, and hopefully we'll be able to get engaged and married soon after we go out on our own. but if not, then i won't even be able to have his support. i assumed that i would plan my wedding with the help of my parents, that i would still be able to visit them for holidays, that i could still store some of my odd junk at my parents' house until i had a house with an attic where i could store it all away. but now i'll have to sort, trash, pack, and find a place to store all the shit. i know that part sounds selfish, but it's truly overwhelming. and now my parents will be gone. and they may not even have a place that's big enough for people to really visit. like a small apartment and the offer to crash on the couch. so i have all the changes in my life plus in theirs. nothing will be stable anymore. i need chocolate. and a hug. and a storage unit and some cash. i'll just take the chocolate and hug for now, though.


Sunday, November 28, 2004


Sunday, 11 pm.


that's right. it's done. it's printed. it's sitting on the large stack of crap in my room at my parents' house. it's just waiting to be packed up, driven back home, and then driven to school tuesday to be turned in. finally. thank the lord.

have i mentioned that mayhem makes me so happy?! yay! sadly i didn't get to talk to him today on the phone, but i did get to take a quick break to have dinner with him and his family. it's kind of nice to come home and get all this special treatment. dinners, movies, fun outings, special yummy foods.... mmmm, i feel loved! :) and i'm done with my paper!!!



writing writing writing. procrastinating with solitaire. writing writing writing. procrastinating with solitaire. solitaire. solitaire. solitaire. hmm, let's take a nap. nap. more solitaire.

ok, so that's my life right now. i can't concentrate. i don't have the internet as an outlet. oh lordy. so i've been playing solitaire like a mad woman. blech.


Saturday, November 27, 2004

Busy bee... 

after sleeping in late, i decided to be lazy. but then i changed my mind. my mom and i ran some errands, went to fun stores and visited friends. then i took care of a lot of the car headaches that have been haunting me. if i waited on mayhem's help, things would get fixed years after they needed to be. so i did what i could in a couple hours. and thankfully my parents were very understanding that i needed to get things fixed. with my first car i was guilt tripped for eons when i told them something was wrong. i'm sure it was just a general disgust that more had gone wrong because the car was such a junker. so i hadn't wanted to tell them about it. thankfully, though, they were find with it. suggested a place nearby where i could get my brakes checked. they bled the brake system and put in fresh brake fluid, but told me i had at least another year on my brake pads. wahoo!!! i'm not going to the dealership anymore because they told me to get them replaced before my next oil change. well these guys called your bluff. so that saved me money. i also got new wiper blades and a couple things of oil since my car drinks it. my dad suggested that the next time i come by their house i can get a diagnostic done on the car at a local shop he trusts. i need to get to the bottom of the bizarre kicking problem. and apparently my car is at the mileage where the timing belt may have to be replaced.

so anyway, that was my day today. i was pretty satisfied with it all. oh, and i got to eat out with my family tonight. one of my favorite restaurants. i noticed that they had a special, so i suggested it to my parents and they gave the ok for making reservations. yay! it was delicious. and afterward mayhem and i went to the movies. we ended up talking for hours afterward. we only got a couple hours of sleep before getting up for church with the family the next morning, but it was great. learned more about him in those few hours than i have in the span of an entire year before. deep meaningful conversations. incredible. so anyway, that made me happy. love you guys! sunday, here we come...


Friday, November 26, 2004

Friday delay... 

which pill do men love more? viagra or birth control? i mean, one promises performance into the golden years, but the other ensures more regular sex without the fear of a dozen kids roaming around. just something to ponder.

so i haven't written in a couple days. it's strange. i actually checked the blog and email quickly on my parents' computer, but shortly afterward they decided to run a deep system scan. damn it figures. i think i got everything erased prior to that, but i can't be positive.

i think i've decided to go back to implementing more of my beliefs. try to get more organic and fair trade foods, rather than just the cheapest thing. not patronize the big chains like starbucks and walmart. that kind of thing. of course i'm actually doing one better most of the time. i so rarely shop at all these days (think too poor to shop), so i don't have too many problems with that really. although i was craving coffee the other day and the only barrier that prevented me from getting starbucks was my attitude that it was too cold outside to bother leaving the warm nest i created just for some overpriced coffee. i also want to eat better. my staple snack is anything sugary. that's just not good for you. yesterday alone i swear i must have read 3 different things saying the biggest thing you can do for your health is to cut sugars. i'm not into dieting and never want to be, but i do think i should should stock some alternatives to my sugars. like veggies and stuff. and sugary stuff that at least is a little more healthy. like with other spices in it or something.

i asked mayhem yesterday if he would be interested in just trying a liberal lifestyle for a week. i honestly think many people would find it kind of fun and uplifting. i mean, the conservatives would get to take the baseball bat out of their asses. all of them could cuss out the major retailers and exude love for those that they previously didn't love. they could purchase hemp products (and let's face it: you won't find any lotion that makes your skin softer than the hemp lotions). you can have a cause that you care about and forget about your stock portfolio for a week. or even better, you can examine the businesses in which you invest and see if they are globally friendly, green friendly, sweatshop free, all that good stuff. socially responsible investments. it's the hip thing, you know. for those of you who actually own shares and have stock brokers and all. so anyway, i will let you know if i can convince mayhem to try being liberal for a week. i'm guessing no, but you can never tell. he thought i meant politically liberal, and i said that wasn't it at all. i would give him a break from the political debates for a little while. but that i meant liberal in his life and beliefs. he respects me so much for all of my beliefs, so it always puzzles me that he doesn't care to implement any in his life.

ok, so you're probably wondering what i've been up to. i left work early on wednesday because i realized i had no desire to work. my supervisor took the day off and i didn't have anything that needed to get done that day, so i just worked till lunchtime and headed out. yesterday i ate 2 thanksgiving dinners. yum! mayhem's mom also let me know that i was family, which was a HUGE blessing! i waver back and forth on whether or not she likes me, so i figured this was a big thumbs up. and his grandmother mentioned "when you two get married," so i take that as another blessing. now all that stands before us are a couple full-time jobs, a ring, a couple diplomas, a couple paychecks' worth of money, some house-hunting, a location, a date, and a minister. the rest are just the little details. oh yes, and there was an engagement in our family this weekend. but not me. so i'll have another wedding to attend mid-2005. another out-of-stater. sadly, i will have to be entirely financially independent at that time, so it will be my careful budgeting and requesting time off from a new job to get there. whee, i'm feeling adulthood creeping up on me already. right now i just kind of play adult.

i've watched a couple movies already this weekend. both were good. i'm watching at least one more tonight. it's really been pretty nice. i get the feeling of a vacation even though i still have this paper to finish. i do bits and pieces here and there so it's not too unbearable.

the rest of the weekend is kind of a mystery. i'm going out to eat with the family at some point. i'm going to try to see mayhem's family once more since i haven't seen them in months prior to last night. i think we're going to get a christmas tree. i'll have to finish my paper. i may take some of my decorative stuff back to the apartment. or i may keep it at my parents' house even longer. i'm not sure. mayhem has a to do list at the apartment and with my car, and i can't say we've made progress on either. but now his mom knows about some of it. she wants him to help me caulk and weatherstrip before it becomes a monstrous problem. so we'll see. it's been a wonderful, happy weekend so far! hope yours has been too. and happy late thanksgiving!! hugs!


Thursday, November 25, 2004

Everything will be o.k.... 

i am still alive, and i have a couple posts ready to go. i wasn't able to use the internet all weekend, so i had to write them elsewhere. they will be posted once i return home. they will also be back dated to the date on which they were actually written, so that's why this is on thanksgiving day.


Tuesday, November 23, 2004

Still alive... 

sorry that i forgot to post again last night. i am still alive and have not fully succumbed yet to the evils of the higher education gods. i did get a little more work done on the paper and became a tiny bit more enlightened on further ways to stretch the BS to the appropriate page limit. so all in all, i think i can make it. i'm sure there will be grumbling, bitching, and moaning along the way, but i will survive. and now, sadly, it's back to the paper. i'll try to post once a day during this little thanksgiving break, but i can't completely promise. family obligations and what not. but if i have my way, there will be posts. muah!


Monday, November 22, 2004


i cannot force my damn mind to focus. i have a ton of freaking work to do, and i needed to finish a paper this weekend and what have i gotten done? a page and a half. of 20. fuck. i hate myself for not being able to focus. and yet, i still can't force myself to do it. and this paper is like a black hole. i'm supposed to write and research a topic that was discussed by my prof and approved by him, and yet it turns out there's no research on it. so do i just scrap all hope of using research and shoot from the hip? or do i take little pieces of research out of context and use it to then write a paragraph's worth of info and cite that other person to make it seem more than just fabrication? and my internet cable keeps working itself loose. so i lose internet every couple minutes. i need a vacation desperately. and i get one next week. but i'll have to finish this damn paper. so here's the deal. i may have to intentionally unplug the internet and create a fun void so i can write for another couple hours before bed. i'll hate myself for it, but i'll hate myself if i don't. so goodbye internet. goodbye internet distractions. goodbye procrastination. you are my closest friends during this time of required work. but i have to go into the deep dark abyss of productivity on my own. armed only with my cheap ideas and a few tawdry pieces of research. farewell dear friends. if i never return, you may divide up my internet fame and burn the research that killed me. then scatter its remains on the feet of the protectors of higher education as a sacrifice and testament to my attempts to achieve more knowledge.


Sunday, November 21, 2004


i think this is only appropriate to mention since we are celebrating the bloggaversary. have you ever noticed that the decent tasting microwave meals (lean cuisine, healthy choice, marie callenders, etc) have optional oven directions that take about 8 times as long? you might wonder why anybody would ever cook a simple meal in a non-reusable plastic container for nearly an hour in the oven. or at least i have. the woman who wants instant gratification when it comes to food (and probably really life in general). well there actually are people (or at least one person) who takes the long route. the former roommate would put those things in the oven and cook them for an eternity. i mean she'd stick them in and remember to check it in like an hour. decide it didn't look burned enough and come back an hour later. i would ask why she did it and she loooked at me like i was a crazy person. as if there weren't microwave instructions. and that they weren't printed twice as large as the obscure directions that she found. so there you have it. people do use the oven for microwave dinners.
(happy blogaversary!)


Happy anniversary!!!... 

damnit, i am a bad blogger, bad blog mother, and bad blog anniversary-celebrater. yesterday was the one year anniversary of my blog. i forgot. until just now. so happy belated anniversary my little baby! if any of you want to leave birthday or anniversary wishes or tributes, then go ahead. if you have something you want me to post separately, email it to me and i'll put it up as a guest blog. this feels so rushed and anticlimactic, so i don't blame you guys if you don't have much to say either.

i do have to say it's been a wonderful year, and i feel honored that you all actually come here to read what i have to say. there has certainly been an evolution and growth. and judging by my extensive posting, i'm guessing i'll be around to celebrate another blog anniversary. according to my blog profile, i've written enough words (as of nov. 7th... they really need to update that more often)... but anyway, i've written enough words to write over 300 pages. too bad i didn't pick one topic and stick to it... i'd have a complete novel ready to go! of course this way it could be entertaining little vignettes and an exploration into the life of a someone like me. well enough of that... HAPPY ANNIVERSARY VORTEXIA'S SECRET!


Amazon, you so nasty!... 

i officially have to state that i find it disgusting that amazon.com would put fertility enhancing software under the category of "gourmet" with food selections. i know that whale eggs are a delicacy, but i certainly hope that it isn't going a step further than that. i think you know where i'm going with that, so i'm stopping before i lose my appetite.

i'm sure it was either a mistake or a sick joke. but either way, ewww... just fix it!



i've kind of run out of creative titles. i should work on that. you know, with all my free time. the computer crazes intrigue me. seems like everyone thinks that they'll just be a fad and go away with time. and sometimes they're right. but i remember people not wanting to get email or IM because they figured that form of communication is just a fad and will die out as soon as they get an account. or people were hesitant to jump on board and then be accused of being a nerd. but of course email hasn't gone away. it's now a requirement. i guess all things fade with time though. i mean, the house phone seemed like a requisite back in the day, but now a lot of people (myself included) go without because a cell phone does the job. in some ways it's kind of fun. at the store they ask you for a home phone number that they can use to advertise with you and you just say oh i don't have a home phone. and let them wonder. of couse it gets trickier for things when they really do need a number because then people can solicit your cell phone. or do customer satisfaction surveys that "only take 20 minutes" but they don't realize that is valuable chatting time with a cell. so i have to explain it to them. and wow this has been a very long tangent, brought to you by the letters B and S.

so back to the other stuff. IM seems to be dying out a little in the mainstream. it's still huge about the college kids, but the rest of the population just uses it when they feel like it. some people abandon it or check it once a month or so. others get on while they're bored at work or home. but it isn't quite the craze it used to be. they claim that blogging is starting to die out, yet ironically this is the time when all the media gurus start hyping it up. whether it's people covering scandal, getting fired, or mentioning it in magazines, movies, tv shows, etc... they're just now admitting it's a big thing. but they may be hitting the tail end of it. or at least the educated tail end. because of the media celebrity, there may be a resurgence from those who want a blog just to be cool. in which case there will be a lot more flimsy blogs with horrible internet grammar... O gr8! i can't w8. yikes.

the biggest difference between them and me? when i log on and think i have nothing to talk about, i may not really know what's going to happen. but i do come out of it with a sizeable (and hopefully decently interesting) post.

ah yes, as far as last night went... i stayed frustrated with mayhem for the rest of the day. he called me about 10:30 with the big blowoff. this one is even worse than most. it's the mommy needs my help because nobody else is willing to help her blowoff. it's the moment when my mind starts saying you know that woman hates you. it's when i try to explain to him that if he's already helped and nobody else is willing to get off their asses to help, then they shouldn't be rewarded with getting to enjoy their evenings while you're punished by doing the work of 4 people. he set a precedent of being his mom's bitch slave labor. move the furniture! take 40 boxes out of the attic, rearrange them, and haul them back up again! get the groceries! i'm worried that no matter how far away from her we move, she will still hunt us down. i'm thinking we could move to canada and tear up her passport. that would at least allow us a few weeks. and he's promised and sworn up and down that he will break her hold on him before we get married. i won't marry him until he's proven that she won't have contact more than once a week. so we shall see. but anyway, after that i watched romy and michelle on TV and then talked to the boy a little on IM. i had a tough time at that moment with the death thing and so he talked to me for a little while on the phone. let me cry and comforted me. so at least by the end of the night we were back to good terms again. but now, i must write a final paper. one where i have no idea what to write. wish me luck!


Saturday, November 20, 2004

Couple talk... 

OH MY GOD! sometimes it can be soooooooooo fucking frustrating to have a reasonable conversation with the boy. you know how they say that after so long couples develop their own language for talking with each other where they can understand whatever? yeah, i don't buy it. well, i take that back. i think that once you've known somebody for a little while, you can get pretty good at mentioning something in a way where they understand but others don't, or where you can be on the same wavelength with each other and "get it" even if you can't quite articulate it. i have several friends where we can do this. and in my experience, girls are WAY better at it than guys. it tends to go over the heads of most guys. but anyway.... at times even the best couple talkers have a complete break down.

mayhem is already one of those guys who tends to miss the subtleties and force you to say whatever it is outright. that can be pretty embarrassing if you were trying to covertly hint that you're sick of whatever awkward social situation and ready to leave and he asks until you have to say it bluntly. but anyway.... so today we had a complete and utter break down of communication. he asked me how to dump the cookies on internet explorer. so i told him and then asked why he was the one getting the degree in computers and yet i was the one who knew everything. he said that i really should try to get a job in the computer field because any geeky guy i interviewed with would hire me if i went in showing a little cleavage. now i was already kind of mad about that because it made it sound like i would qualify only based on my looks and not on my knowledge and intelligence. but i know he was trying to say it as a compliment, so i let it go. then it came down to the real answer... since i didn't have a degree with computers and am sick of school enough that i don't want to go for another degree just because i changed my mind, i wouldn't be able to qualify for anything beyond tech support with the idiots who can't figure out how to turn on their computer during a power outage. i admire the people who have enough patience to deal with those people, but i couldn't do it. not to mention that i get frustrated enough with them when i call with a valid problem. yes, the power is on, yes i have an internet connection, yes it is attached to the modem, yes i have service through your company, no i am not an idiot, etc etc. yeesh.

so that's a no for me. no i won't be taking a computer job unless anybody else knows of a better option for that. i can do web design enough to please myself and impress mayhem (since i tend to have to fix his web designs... yet he'll be the one doing it for a living. oh yay.) but i don't know enough of the web design and graphic design work to do truly impressive professional sites. although i might be able to do the lower level sites of people who need a cheaper option. you know like churches and non-profits that tend to have awkward layouts. hmmm.

but anyway... the conversation came to a screeching halt when i tried to inquire as to what kind of job he could get straight out of college. the job that will probably support him as he ventures out on his own and budgets a couple rings and a honeymoon. the job that will probably still be supporting the two of us as newlyweds. he said "tech support." so i asked if he meant the kind that people could get straight out of high school? he said no, that now they typically required a college degree. ok, so you mean the type that anybody calls if they bought their computer from that company but then realized that they didn't know how to turn it on. and that's about where it died. he kept making it sound like that was the job. but then would say something about it being corporate and being synonymous with network administrators. and not the kind that's being shipped out to india. and so i asked several times for clarification as to which type of tech support because i knew damn well that network administrator positions were with a corporation and worked with the server, the network, anti-virus control, as well as fixing the computers of the people who worked at the same company as you. so he said that he would be working for a company. well no shit, you won't be doing it on your own from your house and asking people to mail donations. either one is with a company. so there was much frustration and yelling and concern about our future financial status and the worth of his degree if he could only qualify for the job where you didn't even need a degree but spent so many years trying to get it. finally, we both concluded that it was the network administrator position with a corporation and helping maintain the servers, network, and also fixing the computers of coworkers who downloaded a virus when they thought they were getting to see anna kournikova naked. after that i just said i'd talk to him later because i didn't think we could handle another discussion and more confusion. hopefully when we talk again we'll be able to understand each other again. sheesh!



a great big thanks to d rant master for his help to make the fonts do what i wanted them to do. they make it so easy if you know what to do, but something i wouldn't have guessed on my own. so THANKS A BUNCH!!! i really really appreciate it.

and now to the rest of you who saw the font pixellated... let me know if you are still having that problem or if it has been corrected and is a prettier font. is it kind of a cursivey font, or is the font just like the rest of the text? thanks in advance for letting me know if it's all working now or not. :)


Friday, November 19, 2004


ok, for all you wonderful computer and script editor gurus out there, i have a question. how do you set a font family with a specification of order. like i want the one i have to be the one used for any computer that can view it, but have a default one or two to fall back on for the computers that cannot properly view it. right now the font is a pretty script, but for those computers that cannot view it accurately, it's a boxy pixellated font. i don't want that. so please let me know if you know how to help! muchisimas gracias!!!


Missing post... 

so i never posted yesterday. oops. it was a decent day at work. i am still concerned whether i will get a good evaluation or not. i feel like she loves me on the surface and complains about me behind my back. i certainly hope that isn't the case, but i guess the only way for me to really know is to wait and see. and i won't be there with her when she does my evaluation either. i had planned on doing that, but now she'll be doing it on her own and dropping it off just before the due date. i'm sure she won't fail me, but i'm certainly hoping that she also rates me well. but the rest of the day was fairly good. i got to hang out with some coworkers. i got to eat snackies. overall, things went pretty well. just cross your fingers that my evaluation is good.

last night, i convinced mayhem to come over and that was great. i've missed him so much this week. i think we only got to talk once. so it was wonderful to be able to see him a day earlier than usual. and we talked and cuddled and laughed and times like these make me look forward to marriage even more. so that quality time is the reason that i didn't post. very good reason, i think.


Wednesday, November 17, 2004

Witty TV... 

so you know that from time to time i like to dazzle you with my witty reparte about the TV crap that i watch. so first of all, i would like to talk to the people at playtex bras. i'm just curious... you act all happy skippy that you are accomodating people's boobs by offering half sizes. but you only have up to b and a half. so what about the c and a half or d and a half? i would think we bigger boobs would need it even more because the differences start to get even bigger. like they think, well you have big boobs or WAY bigger boobs, and anything in between can just squish into a teensier size or rattle around in a too-big bra. but i won't give you too much grief since i've never bought a bra from you anyway. and i have a favorite that fits and is pretty. the only problem is that they don't make it in black or red. i think every girl should have at least skin, black, and red colored bras. for some reason, though, it's hard to find classy red bras. it's kind of sad really. luckily, i found one that's decent, but the underwire in the middle digs into my sternum/ribcage thingy. (that's the technical term according to somebody who's taken multiple bio classes, anatomy&physiology, and was pre-med bound.) and i have grown to hate my black bra. i really need to go bra shopping. anybody wanna come with?

and in other news, the redneck on wife swap isn't such a redneck. he's forced to do everything his wife does at home and realizes that he's an ass and makes his wife do WAAAAY too much. so he has a break down and apologizes about it. now if it lasts for more than the show, who knows. but at least it's a start. i certainly hope it stuck... he was much sweeter when he respected women. as a rule, rednecks and i don't really mix. unfortunately, mayhem has a few of those in his family tree. since i'm not family yet i've played nice, but at times i've been screaming and pulling my hair out on the inside as i smiled on the outside.

and in just a little more news, i saw a commercial for the bachelor and just need to say this... i have no idea how people on the bachelor think they can find their soulmate and spouse. ok, reality check here people, it's TV. and the guy is dating like 20 other women at once. and he will only look good on TV if he acts like he loves all of you. not to mention that you are all just feeding his fantasy by flaunting it all and giggling at the pool with him. he's drooling over all of you, and right in front of you... he does not only have eyes for you. he is a horny guy, just like all the others, so the chance to make out and grope every single one of you does seem appealing whether or not you are sane or a crazed bitch. anyway, i think it's all pretty stupid, so whatever. if you want to do it, then i hope that you get at least one modeling gig out of it.

ok, and finally, this is an upsetting piece of news. a marine (or other military person) died in enemy fire in the battle in fallujah on the same day that his wife gave birth to his first child, a son. and he died before he could hear that his child had been born, that it was a boy, and that he was healthy. i cannot even begin to imagine how painful that must be. painful for everyone. that baby boy will never grow to know his father. his wife will never get to see her husband again. she will never be able to fully embrace his birthday because her husband died that day. and they looked SO YOUNG! i know i'm definitely not an objective observer of any of it since my best friend is over there, so i'll just leave it all at that.


Day in, day out... 

have you ever had times when you can see somebody you used to know in the expressions and mannerisms of somebody else? that's been happening to me frequently at work lately. a couple of my coworkers remind me of people i used to know or still do know.

so i have been told that the frito chili cheese wrap is really good but definitely artery clogging. my source said not to eat it more than once a week because it may cause heart palpitations.

other than that i don't feel like i have anything worthy to talk about. work was kinda crappy but i don't really want to go into all of that. i hope that i can get some of it cleared up tomorrow and maybe have a good day even. i hate having jobs i don't love. out of the 5 jobs i've had so far, i've really loved 1/2 of one. 2 were crappy, 2 were/are so-so, and then the good one was part great and part so-so. sooooooooo.... nontheless i am less than excited about the thought of having to find a permanent job in just a couple months. so far i've been lucky that i was only stuck in these positions for about 6 months. this one will be the longest at close to a year. well anyway, hopefully i'll get lucky when it really counts.


Tuesday, November 16, 2004


i just wanted to post an official THANK YOU for all the wonderful comments you guys have posted about the new layout. i really loved the new design and was so excited to see that everyone else seems to love it too!

i really feel loved from all the fantastic comments, and the blog makes me happy whenever i see the new design because i think it's exactly what i had been wanting for a while now and never got around to creating. so a great big YAY all around!



ok, before i get into the boring stuff about my day, i have to let you guys know about something incredible i just discovered. when i get home i check my mail and lo and behold i have a ton. all last week there was nothing, and now today i get ads out the wazoo and 3 bills! sheesh. so i sort through all the ads. discover coupons for free stuff at some store that just opened nearby so i held onto them just in case. then i saw an ad for one of the dollar stores. now there are two types of dollar stores... the ones where EVERYTHING truly is a dollar and you can go hog wild and never have to break a $20, and the type where things tend to be in the $1 range but may be more depending on the product. well this was one of my less favorite types (the one where you may pay more), but nevertheless i was awestruck at the first thing i noticed on the page. did you know that you can buy a LEATHER jacket for $20 at the dollar store?!? i even double checked to make sure it wasn't "leather" or misspelled as an imitation. but no, it was actually leather. and here i thought i had to buy my nice jackets at the mall. i don't need a jacket and will not be purchasing it, but i just thought i'd share.

so onto my day. we might as well go backwards just for kicks since i started with the most recent thing. so coming home tonight i developed my first hatred of drivers in my complex. since the place is fairly small and not a lot of traffic comes in and out, i've never had problems before. but tonight i come in with some idiot riding on my ass to get through the gate and then am looking straight into the grill of an old land yacht beater. so i squeeze to the side of that car (as he does nothing to angle out of the way since he is in the middle of the damn lane if we want to get technical about fault here)... what was i saying? oh yeah, so i squeeze around that bastard and prepare to turn into my little parking nook to find a space. i see a car coming, but a lady is crossing the street so i figure i can turn in first. oh no... the millisecond that the lady is across the part of the street that is covered by the car he's gunning it into the lot. actually he barely slowed for the lady and she just got lucky to be out of his way and he aggressively turned on his blinker the second he rounded the corner. he had gone the longer back route and sped through the rest of the complex to come up on the other side of me as i navigated around the land yacht. as he gets closer i realized it was the same asshole who was riding my ass to get into the apartment in the first place. so he turns in and i turn in behind him. he immediately slams on the brakes and i avoid hitting him, and then he finds the LAST SPACE in the lot. damn you fucker! i hope all the neighborhood dogs take a shit right under your car door and stray cats scratch your paint job. bastard. so i have to go to the far parking and huff it back with my extra heavy backpack. stupid punk ass prick bastard drivers.

the rest of the day was just blah. supposed to get a grade back but the prof lied. listened to boring lectures. raced the clock to try to find a little research to get me started on a major project. life as usual. i'm ready for the semester break!


Monday, November 15, 2004

Jump ship... 

so if all of bush's cabinet members jump ship, then is that an indicator that the rest of us should, too? in 2 weeks, 6 people have left. that can't be good.


Live life to the fullest... 

so what do you do with a paper when you don't know how to do it or where to start or how in the hell you're going to pull it off when your professor is the definitive expert on all things related to the field? kinda makes you nervous. i wish that i could sleep in for like 48 hours straight and take an entire weekend for myself.... another National Vortexia Weekend. i haven't gotten to have one in quite a while. you know what else i'd love? to have a girl's night with my bestest girls complete with total junk food, adult drinks, girly movies, and a slumber party. the beer, mo, and i haven't gotten together just us in SO long. anyway, just thought i'd share. there's a lot that i've let go lately. haven't kept in touch with a lot of people the way i really should. i don't want to live with regrets, and i think i really need to start focusing on that. unfortunately i think most people end up with regrets at least during college. so many things have to be put on hold for major papers and projects. i don't want to have to do that anymore. no regrets and really mean it. just something to think about. keep me honest guys.


Sunday, November 14, 2004


so i decided it was time to clean again. i did a little too much at once. put in a load of laundry, started the dishwasher, wiped down the counters, changed from washer to dryer, discovered that i accidentally kind of cooked a little pillow that is filled with seeds because it got wrapped into the sheets, tried to fix it without much success, took the laundry out of the dryer, put another load in, worried that i might kill the washer with the gigantic load, heated up dinner, put sheets back on the bed, ate dinner, put clothes in the dryer, took the dishes out of the dishwasher, and am waiting to pull the clothes out of the dryer. GOOD GRIEF! waaaaay too much at once.

i was planning on taking care of a thank you note and doing some research during all of that, but obviously never had a free moment to do so.

last night i got freaked out because i felt how really thin my shin bone (is that the fibula or tibia?) is and worried that i needed more muscle or fat to protect it or calcium to build up the bone. i know that everyone's bone is pretty thin and close to the surface (the reason it hurts like all hell broke loose if you get kicked in the shins)... but i think this may be even more than average. so how do you build your calf muscles? walk like crazy? climb stairs? or is something else better? so anyway... i worried about that last night. but i also got to spend time with mayhem, which was great.

one thing i hate... there is ALWAYS a ton to do. i need to get some stuff done on my car, hang things on my walls, mop and vacuum, find christmas gifts, write a paper, get groceries, take care of some mail, find fireplace tools (cheap!), get a check to my mom, and oh so much more. will somebody please come stay with me for a couple days and knock off my whole to do list? pleeeeeeeeease?! in case anybody actually takes the offer, then thank you!

*sigh* well, there's more to do, so i better go.


Saturday, November 13, 2004


hahaha.... oops, that would be REvamped. but still, it's all purty now. i am extremely happy with my new pretty design. completed in about a day. many hours, but it's all done. and i did it all myself. so yay! be proud of me. i also fixed the comment box so it would match. that took WAY more effort than it should have because CSS coding is crap. you add the code to color in the text box where you type the message and it makes it short. looks horrible. so i had to search for CSS coding to undo the random thing that made it short. there was no coding that changed the length, but it did it nonetheless. so i finally just randomly tried something that i was sure wouldn't work, but what do you know... it did work. thank goodness! so it all got fixed the way i wanted it.

the 100 things about me is still in the old design, but that will be easy to change. although i may just get rid of it altogether since it's outdated and nobody looks at it. i've also added my blogger profile to the sidebar in case anyone cares to check it out.

and now i need to go... mayhem keeps poking his head in and is cracking me up so i can't concentrate worth anything. i'll be back tomorrow with more updates.

oh yeah, i didn't spend absolutely all day working on this design... i also went out for lunch, taled to several friends, helped mayhem on his website designs, booked a hotel and found a flight. so my schoolwork is still waiting, but otherwise i was pretty productive. laundry, cleaning, and schoolwork are my life tomorrow. whee.... but until then i'll go laugh and cuddle with the boy who is more hyper right now than a 5 year old after easter and halloween combined. he's seriously antsy now and i don't want him to get suspicious, so i better run. adios!


Friday, November 12, 2004


so i want to revamp this place. give it a new look, you know. and i designed it somewhat just now. kind of a victoria's secret look. but i still feel like it needs something more. something that looks totally awesome. but i don't know what. and my design software is about like nothing. and my computer design, website design, creativity is pretty minimal as well. sooooooo...

if anybody has suggestions, please let me know. i want to keep the design work friendly so you guys don't have to worry about getting in trouble at work. so that means no naughty pictures or drawings or naked cartoon girlfriends or anything. so if anybody has any ideas or suggestions, or would like to help me redesign this thing, then please let me know! muchisimas gracias babies!


Goin downhill fast... 

uh oh... i think this place is going downhill fast. the apartment manager left less than 2 weeks ago and things are already going sour. the trash isn't getting picked up on time. the recycling by the mailboxes isn't getting emptied. the freak-of-nature-eternally-green-even-though-it-should-have-died-already-grass is getting dead patches and nasty ruts in it from getting trampled and "maintained" apparently while it was still wet. hopefully all of this gets fixed quickly. and hopefully there isn't anything more serious that is not getting addressed.

thanks to j-mo for the new song :)


Bad dreams... 

ok, i've had a couple very strange dreams lately. one involved a complete stranger taking my sunglasses and making a huge deal about how totally cool they were and how they were apparently rare. i was in the middle of having lunch with mayhem at a little outside cafe. so anyway, that was just kind of bizarre. and then last night i had a dream where i walked in on mayhem having sex with another woman in my bed and i caught him mid-orgasm. that was probably the least pleasant dream i have ever had. i was so tense because of that and strange noises that sounded like they were right outside my bedroom in the middle of the night that i slept really late. (since there was nothing there, it was probably either outside or my insomniac upstairs neighbor who likes to do strange things at all hours of the night.) i was exhausted and tense and my jaw hurt this morning when i woke up. i think i had been clenching it all night. ugh, not pleasant.

i seriously doubt that mayhem would ever cheat on me because he thinks i'm like mary poppins... practically perfect in every way. and he doesn't try power struggles with me. he tried to test the power once in our relationship, 4 months or so into it, and he nearly lost me because i wasn't interested in playing those games. i'm a powerful woman and he's ok with that. so anyway, i just don't see a lot of those signs from him that he might do it in reality. so i don't think that this was a premonition or anything. but i do know that i would never be able to handle it if i saw him cheating on me. that was an absolutely horrific image that became seared into my brain. thank goodness the memories of dreams tend to fade in a couple days...


Thursday, November 11, 2004


so i don't work 5 days a week. maybe that's why i come home from work exhuasted. i don't have that constant routine. or maybe it will always wear me out. i remember i had a job where i would have to do 10 hours a day for 4 days a week. i was so exhuasted from those 4 days that i had to use the other 3 days to recover. it sucked. i never got to enjoy it. so i guess i'm just kind of a work pansy. but i work hard when i'm there, so maybe it's just that i give it all i've got. ok, none of that really matters though.

so we had drama yesterday at work. we had drama today at work. but i'm getting my stuff done and still finding time to socialize with coworkers. which i've learned is important at this job.

i have to say that i love how sweet blogger people are (in general). i've only encountered one or two mean people... i'd say that's pretty good. so thanks for all the love!


Wednesday, November 10, 2004

Eye of the storm... 

ok, so now i'm just being annoying. but i'm all revved up about this so i want to post it now. i think part of this strong feeling about how sexy it would look if mayhem pierced his eyebrow is about his eyes. they are definitely the hottest feature of his face. absofuckinglutely incredible eyes. deep blue eyes. he toyed with the idea of getting glasses with clear UV filter lenses a while back. not really needing them to improve his sight, but to kind of reduce glare and work as sunglasses when they aren't available. so i went with him to try on the different styles of frames. and WOW. he looked dead sexy AND scholarly. if he fixed his hair and wore nice clothes he was so GQ it was ridiculous. and if he left his hair messy and wore whatever clothes it was intellectual punk rock. it was incredible. sadly, he felt out of place wearing the glasses so he never went through with it. such a shame. (and when i first met the guy i thought he was just above average, but not hot. man, what was i thinking?! or maybe he's just getting exponentially better with age. ohhh the possibilities for the next 5 years if that's the case!!!) so anyway, the eyebrow piercing goes with that whole attraction with the eyes and their sexiness. an eyebrow piercing draws attention to the eyes. and it adds to the smoldering sexy bad boy factor. and again can be dressed up as prep and dressed down as punk rock. an effortless little transition for him. he just fits both. stupid damn workplaces that don't allow piercings. why oh why?!? be like the grocery stores... 2 items or less would be about right to keep it professional. that would allow ears and eyebrow, or eyebrow and nose, or whatever your pleasure is. i think just the eyebrow would be perfect on him, though. so even just one piercing.

ok, enough on that. i gotta get some sleep because it was not pretty this morning.


All over the place... 

i got my first installment of songs today from the wonderful andy. i would link his site, but he recently decided to stop posting. seems like that's been a trend lately. great songs and such a wonderful surprise to make me and my inbox happy :) wheee!

my after the debauchery boys keep getting linked on the busblog. tony must have made friends with them too. i remember those days. good times.

it's interesting to see comments emerge from people just when you started to think that they stopped reading you. so that's always a great surprise to see that they are still there after all.

wow, yassir arafat died today. that will be an interesting 60 days as we see what happens in the middle east. ewwww, i just saw more pictures of the prisoner abuse in iraq. one where a guy was naked and covered in feces. i hadn't seen that before. i also think it's ironic that they write subtitles on BRITISH reports. i know that's not a normal thing, but that they do it at all just is funny to me. it's the same language people! ok, let's see if i can make this any more random. nope. i think that's it for now.

no wait, one more thing... hopefully the german shepherd didn't eat my frog prince. first that would leave me prince-less and that would be sad. second, then i would have a hallucinating dog that weighs more than me on my hands. also not good. have any of you been humped by a dog who could take you down? while wearing a skirt? that happened to me a couple years back... it was not pretty. thankfully mayhem was with me to haul to dog down. so that dog better not be hallucinating and horny. ok, i think that's enough randomness for tonight. time to read a little and head to bed. oh, and i got most of my homework for work done, but decided not to touch the homework for school tonight. still pretty darn good, if i may say so myself. night loves!



i now regret writing that word as the title, but oh well. it's been done. and now the real news...

there's a fucking german shepherd just hanging out at the top of the stairs in front of my apartment! i was walking up to the door of the apartment when i heard what sounded like somebody else's keys jingling. so i look over and see movement above me. yeah, it's a BIG ass german shepherd, just looking down the stairs at me. eeks.

ok, yeah i am now thoroughly convinced that there's a full moon. crazy crazy stuff went down at work today. i really wish it was stuff i could discuss! i did use some incredible creativity at work. it was impressive. but now i have to do some homework for work. and ideally do homework for school. but that's a little more of a long-range goal. like after dinner. *sigh* i want to leave the being busy at home and at work and not have to do the stuff at home too. blah.


Tuesday, November 09, 2004

Computer comshmuter... 

ok, so the computer drama continues. when i got up this morning, the computer had more stuff for me to update and install. so i did its bidding. i installed all of it. then it wanted all the drivers reinstalled. i thought it was weird but figured it was something weird from when they wiped out the computer. so i let it do its thing. when it came to my wireless internet card the internet became unavailable. ok crap, that stinks, but i figured it was just because it had to disconnect to do the update. came back later and it still didn't work. ok, so i tried putting in the code again because i figured it might have gotten reset. still didn't work. really frustrated me. and unfortunately i also figured out that it wasn't the computer just randomly doing this stuff but that they had the sofware update option right next to the program button that lets you open up the full selection. so now i'm pissed because a stupid operator's error took away my wireless. DAMNIT! i try to fix it with the little knowledge i know and it's no use. and poor mayhem hurt himself so he can't come over. this is just like the full moon of crap.

he had to work a midnight shift at work in preparation for the holiday seasons. does he get overtime? no. then he practically breaks his foot. then my computer screws itself, and then his computer screwed itself as he was trying to help me with mine over the phone. oh yeah, and i spent almost all day working on stuff for one class. and then went to the class. stupid stupid crappy horrible class. i am bitter. i'll admit it. ok, now there are to do lists to finish. so i'll be back later.

hope life treated you guys better today.



a couple observations from my study of the television last night. i don't just watch, that's pure entertainment... no, we students study the TV. but anyway... onto the observations.

michael phelps apparently just got a DUI or DWI or something. 6 gold medals and he can't avoid a DUI. 6 gold medals and you have to go drinking and then drive home. oh, and you're only 19 and can't be safe about it. i know a lot of people drink underage. i did. but come on... you couldn't locate any friends? 6 gold medals, man! sheesh. now you're going to get the whole bad role model crap. and there's NO way carly whatever's mom, trainer, coach, and entourage will ever let her date you.

the other thing involved the estee lauder chick on the beautiful perfume commercial. can anybody picture her marrying a man? she's like a freak botox bride. i mean, she's all calm, never changes facial expressions, isn't excited or nervous or anything about the "wedding," and apparently lets 5 year old girls dress her. oh, and she doesn't mind when they play around with her $2000 veil and other fluffy white belongings. she's so stepford that she doesn't even need the husband. she'll walk down the aisle of an empty church with her 5 year old friends because there is no other person perfect enough to attend her wedding. then she walks back out into the town of stepford and nobody even questions how she doesn't have a hubby at her side. i'm telling you. she's a botox stepford freak who isn't even human. anyway, i just realized how bizarre she was and how it seems like they would have thought about her marriability coefficient. and i realize that marriability so isn't even a word. but it works. so there it is.


Monday, November 08, 2004


Dear Water Heater,
it's me, your buddy V. we need to talk. no, this isn't one of those "it's not you it's me" conversations. it's an "it's not me, i know it's you" conversations. your job here is to keep me nice and warm through the entire duration of my shower. now i know you're little, but you should work on being a little more mighty. sure you can't keep 80 gallons of water all hot, ready, and waiting for me to turn them on. but you can keep 40 according to the little sticker on your front. all i'm asking is for you to keep the water warm long enough for me to wash my hair and shave my legs. well underarms, bikini line, and legs. but still. that isn't too much to ask. so please keep the water warm longer. just another 5 minutes and i won't have razor burn. thank you so very much for your cooperation. i assume that we shall return to the silky smooth leg arrangement starting with my next shower.
much thanks and love,


One more thing... 

ok, just one more thing. why the hell do we have to go do more invasions?? and if we have to do more invasions (which we don't) then why can't that happen in like 3 years when my best friend is finally back here and safe from all of that. i know i'm selfish, but damnit he's my fucking best guy friend and people should respect that if i say not to fucking shoot at him. and i know i'm just cussing to put up a front because i'm scared. and of course we just gave bush the green light and the stamp of approval so now he's really gonna go to town on everyone's ass. i mean, less than a week after he gets re-elected we get this. damnit.

ok, please keep my boy and his wife safe. please keep everyone safe.



i was productive today. for a little while. as i was heading out i caught up with a friend finally. she's such a sweetheart but we haven't gotten to catch up in forever! so it was so wonderful to chat. after that i became productive. i went to the grocery, came home and unpacked everything. unfortunately my jug of green tea started leaking all over, so i had to rebottle it. then i made some pasta and a salad for dinner, and fixed cookies for an upcoming work function. didn't think about the number.... i usually make great big cookies, but i have to feed several people, so i should have made little ones. that way it at least looks like i tried to feed the masses. oh well. maybe some of the people are on diets or allergic to chocolate or eggs or fat or something. either way, i figured there was no chance i would take care of the cookies the night before, so i better do it now. so i felt productive. later tonight i'll have to clean up the apartment, too. wheee.

i just thought of something really sweet that mayhem told me this weekend. turns out he's been saving the pink yogurt lids because he knows it's important to me. since my mentor had breast cancer twice, it's a big deal to me. and i pray i never get it. so it was very sweet to find out that he had been saving the pink lids. oh yeah, and this weekend, we did get a fire going in the fireplace. it was very sweet. we cuddled in front of the fire and fell asleep for awhile. very very sweet. yay for last weekend. alright, gotta run. love!



here's a little 2 item wishlist.

i wish for itunes songs. i just downloaded itunes, but i think i am going to restrain myself from getting an account with the itunes store and downloading songs until i have a job. since there's no money coming in, i haven't bought music in at least a couple years probably. it's very very sad. especially since i love it so much. but when it comes right down to it, music is expensive and expendable. it's a luxury. one i love, but do not need. food is also expensive, but i need it. so i had to make a choice, and i've done pretty good about sticking to it. from time to time mayhem will burn a CD for me, either because he's being sweet or because i hear something i have to have and beg him to hunt it down. he doesn't have much expendable income either, but he already does the music thing anyway, so the occassional gift for the girlfriend isn't an extreme expense to him. but anyway.... i know a lot of you have itunes. i know a lot of you love music. so if anybody feels like being generous and emailing or IMing any music to me, then i would love it. i certainly don't want this to feel like an obligation or a one-sided agreement, so i'm leaving it completely up to you guys. if i never get an email, that's just fine. if i get 50 then that's just fine, too. you guys paid money (probably) for the copy you got, so if you want to keep it all for yourself, i can't blame you. it's just an idea that i'm throwing out there in case anybody feels so inclined.

my other wish is for the holiday season to kick into high gear. i'm ready to be done with school and start the fun stuff.... decorating a christmas tree, cooking all kinds of fantastically delicious goodies, eating good meals like thanksgiving and christmas, seeing family and relatives, walking into a house that smells like evergreen and spices and everything nice. getting to decorate my apartment and maybe even having my first christmas tree of my very own (which may not happen because i'll be gone most of the holiday season, but i might have to get a little tree anyway). i love love LOVE the holiday season and this year i can already smell the excitement building in the air! at the same time i know this holiday season won't be the same. i'm not having thanksgiving with the usual people, i'm not going to be in town, i'm not really going to be doing what i want to do, i won't even be someplace cold, but my parents signed me up for it without checking with me. christmas won't be the same either. with my mentor gone and mayhem's plans in the air, i won't have the normal christmas either. we used to get to spend thanksgiving with my family and then mayhem's and it was wonderful. mayhem used to get to come with us for christmas and be like part of the family. but not this year for either. it really really sucks. so why am i excited about the season approaching?? i have absolutely no idea. *sigh* here's to a change of plans and things working out better than expected.



technology is a blessing and a curse. it helps you do things faster, and it helps you waste more time than you ever knew you could. it makes things easier, and it makes things so much harder. but you already know all of this. anybody who has touched a computer has experienced this phenomenon. i spent much of the morning getting my laptop ready once more. but this time, sadly, without XP Pro. mayhem and the little tech guy at the computer store seem to think that the upgrade may have been responsible for incapacitating my USB drives and requiring a replacement of some part of the power supply. and if not XP Pro, then service pack 2. i am still a bit skeptical. i paid some damn good money to get XP Pro and do not like being told that the 2 weeks that i had it the first time was all the use i'm gonna get out of them because it isn't safe to install them again. to me it doesn't make sense that a little program that is copied and installed can somehow then go in and go smashy smashy armageddon on my laptop's ass. i could see a logical connection between other software files not working correcly afterward, but having physical components and pieces of machinery not work doesn't make sense to me. but who knows.

so here's the big question... do i try it again or do i leave well enough alone? i have everything else i needed back on the computer now... antivirus, firewall, itunes, office suite, spyware remover..... of course i installed that stuff because 1) i like a highly safe computer, 2) it's about damn time that i get to use this thing again, and 3) because in reality i guess i know it's safer to run it without the upgrade with all the other bells and whistles than to risk the same problems all over again. i guess XP home really isn't all that horrible, but it does piss me off that the very same people who have been talking about how sucky the home system is compared to pro are not trying to back pedal and tell me it really isn't all that bad or all that inferior to pro. wtf. tell me the truth the whole time and tell me which version really is the truth. so anyway, that's where we're at with that.

oh, and if i do email posts during the vacation, then i'll probably just do it through the yahoo account and go back and erase all the little "do you yahoo?" lines after the vacation. it's really the most secure option. and to you guys who were getting defensive over gmail, i'm definitely not saying it's a bad system. i use it as my primary account for the blog. but it does show your email address in the sign in box even if you told it not to remember it, and it does keep the various addresses of your account (you know, the one with the long string of jargon) in the address bar. when you sign out of yahoo, you are signed out completely. you can't check the sign in box for the last used email address. you can't go to the account address. it's more secure in that sense. so that's why i'm using it for this purpose. it was never any diss of gmail. i do like it, just not for this one purpose.

so anyway, on to a much better post!


Sunday, November 07, 2004


we're testing out the email function that the incredible izzy showed me.  hopefully it will work beautifully and we'll have a solution to the holiday withdrawals.  and i just noticed that i'm using big girly words like beautifully.  anyway..... last night taught me something important.  if you are lazy all day and do nothing until about 8, then you can get dressed and be out the door to be productive in about 2 minutes.  then the time crunch drives you into productivity.  you have one hour to get everything done at home depot.  so you find the brooms and grab one.  find the showerheads and decide that you're shopping elsewhere because $30 for a regular cheapo-crappy nozzle is completely idiotic.  find a new faucet head and argue about the right size for 15 minutes and can STILL get out on time.  then you can eat a quick dinner in the parking lot of target while the security guard keeps an eye on your safety, run in and finish your shopping in the last 30 minutes that they're open.  the warnings that you have 10 minutes to check out really make you hustle.  and you get everything done by 10pm and only use 2 hours or less of your day to get the chores done instead of 5 prime hours.  this is powerful wisdom.  oh, and it turns out that mayhem and i are good wall measuring buddies.  10 was too late to hammer nails into the walls to hang things, but it wasn't too late to measure where they would hang.  so we measured the walls, measured the objects, subtracted the 2, and then measured where it would hang to look right.  the fact that we made this process look both easy and enjoyable is pretty incredible.  and he apparently wants me to help him repeat the process when he has to rehang everything.  the seal of approval.  a man wanting a woman to help him with the handiwork.  wow.
ok, well let's hit send and pray this sucker works!

Do you Yahoo!?
Check out the new Yahoo! Front Page. www.yahoo.com


Saturday, November 06, 2004

Random thoughts... 

so here's another edition of random thoughts a la V. the comments on the entry entitled "Religion..." explain all my privacy stuff. something i probably should have just put in a separate post. sometimes i hate having to be so anonymous. but i have to. most people i know would not understand this site, the many different sides i reveal on here that they haven't seen in real life. not to mention all the things i'm putting on the line with it. so why risk it? because i love it. i've gotten to know some great people, some interesting people, and the lives of people doing the same thing as me. keeping it secret but knowing they have to write despite the confusion others could feel if they discovered what was written. i know that for 100 different bloggers there would be 100 different reasons. mine would be that i am so complex that maybe one or two people in my entire life really know all different sides of me and accept them all. i don't want sympathy as some misunderstood soul that feels sorry for herself. i'm not. generally i see it as a good thing that allows me to be friends with people who click with one of the many aspects. i don't lie, i don't act fake, i don't do any of that to appeal to them. i just kind of run the gamut and know different people who appeal to each part. it's all real. but i realized that i needed a place where i can always be everything at once. here i can just flow. i have a few people who don't like that and i don't care. it doesn't impact me. but most people enjoy it. it's intriguing to them. so anyway.... i cover my tracks and stay safe about this, and i feel satisfied with everything.

well that's enough on that. the other random thought i had, which is truly about as far from the previous thought as you can get was this.... i wonder what different addicts have tried using as a substitute for their normal drug before. not another drug, but like household substances. how the hell did i think of this, you ask?? i went to elementary school with some serious winners. practicing their skills to snort a line before they learned cursive. at the lunch table, the guys would snort salt, pepper, and i think pixi stix. i know the salt and pepper for sure. they'd see how macho they were by how much they could handle until it hurt too much. so i figure it 4th grade boys are that, uhh, resourceful, i know that real addicts must think of some pretty incredible stuff. that and i figured somebody would get a laugh out of the hardcore pepper boys.

the other thought i had actually came flooding back last night. something that i don't even know if i want to share. i'll think about it and determine later if i should really deem the thought worthy of words. if it goes away, then that's probably best. i'm going to do something now, so later....



my apartment smells like feet. as you're reeling backward in your chair thinking i'm one of those women with repulsive feet i need to explain. i have very cute, petite, pretty, odor-free feet. with newly painted toenails. mayhem on the other hand does not. last night we were on the couch making out and he took a quick break to kick off his shoes and pull off his socks. holy hell batman! he zoomed in to resume kissing and i kept backing away as politely as i could. he finally asks what's up and i quietly tell him that all i can smell is his feet. he looks a little sheepish and says maybe he should have just kept his shoes on. so he gets up, puts his socks in his shoes and relocates them to my bathroom. ok, so now my bathroom can smell like feet. starts kissing me again, and i have to start pulling away again. i still smell them. i think it's your actual feet that smell. go down there and take a whiff. instead he brings his foot up to both of our faces and determines that they smell. so he roots around in my bathroom and comes out with some lotion. would this help them? uhhhh.... why don't you just WASH your feet and then they won't smell anymore instead of just covering it up with lotion and making lotion footprints all over my floors. oh.... yeah.... that makes sense. another sheepish grin. so he turns on the water in the bathtub and washes away. comes out and decides to go all out with his attack against man odors. gets my deodorant out of the dresser and applies it liberally. then tries to close the dresser. i hear horrible creaking and straining noises from the drawer and ask if he's trying to break it. he said no but he couldn't get the drawer back in. so i go into my bedroom and push on the drawer. slides closed with ease. another sheepish grin. oops. yeah, most people push drawers to close them since you pull on them to open them. yeah. eventually we watched a movie and he talked through the whole thing. it's funny because one of his pet peeves is people who talk through movies....... yet he is one of the worst at doing it himself! i know it's because he wants to share every little thought with me, but sometimes i'm just not up for it. it was one of those nights. any and every plan or idea you have for the night won't work right so you just have to scratch the plans and be willing to go with the flow, no matter how bizarre it gets. we are all so very human. mayhem walked in looking hot and a different look that was totally working that night. mmmmm, did he look good! oh, and he came in with a log for the fireplace and flowers and a movie. so i was thinking this will be a great night. except my heater is working mega-overtime for some reason that i think maintenance will have to determine and short of using the AC with the fireplace it just wasn't going to work that night. and then all the other stuff. so it wasn't meant to be. but all couples and all people have some very awkward nights. and if they can laugh it off, like we did, then we'll all be ok in the end.



religion is something that i very rarely discuss here. in fact, i probably have talked about it only once or twice. i am anything but typical when it comes to religious views, so i tend to keep that to myself. i am christian, but not the type that has become mainstream in our freak hyper-conservative fundamentalist brand of christianity that is served up in this country. that is probably why i rarely discuss religion, even outside the blog. i decided long ago that it was better to live your values rather than to preach them. i figure you can believe what you believe by yourself just as well as having somebody else validate them every sunday morning at 9. and i prefer to be tolerant and non-judgmental of just about any other viewpoint and value system. i impose my beliefs on myself alone. of course there are exceptions... you disregard another's life and i'm not cool with that, just for an example. so the religious right, which is so far beyond right, really bothers me. the vast majority of the ones i have encountered throughout my lifetime are anything but what i thought was christian. they talk the talk without walking the walk. they condemn others and then spend hours patting themselves on the back. they try to "save" others without listening to their beliefs. they put on a show for each other and develop a holier than thou attitude. they judge everyone. and they disregard lives practically every step of the way... they back a war that kills innocent people, they back policies that might as well be titled "fuck the homeless and fuck the poor and fuck anybody who isn't like us," the extremists are willing to kill those who have lived fulfilling lives in order to save fetuses that have yet to bond to another person, and even the non-extremists disregard the power of a woman over her sexuality and her own rights. just as a few examples. i know i give some line about being tolerant of other viewpoints and then i go off on these people. i'm not perfect. but like i said, i'm not cool with disregarding another human's life. and that seems to be the name of the game for them. the name of my game, and from what i could tell, the name of God's game was to care for everyone equally. treat your neighbor as you would like to be treated. i remember some story i was told as a child, one of those parables that they read to kids to make them turn out all nice and sweet... basically it was that Jesus could show up at your doorstep as a beggar and how you treated the least of your neighbors was the measure of what kind of person you were. i know since we have all be raised to think we live in a dangerous world that at least 98% of us wouldn't have the guts to take a leap of faith, bring the guy in, let him take a shower in your place, feed him a warm meal, and let him sleep on your couch for the night. i'll admit right now that i am way too cautious to even open the door of my apartment for that guy. but i don't condemn him and i won't vote for laws that fine him for loitering or using a shopping cart or any of that flack he gets. i think this religious right has become a bully and will justify any and every thing it does by thumping on that bible and pulling a scripture out of context. then they will say they won the debate because they had the line memorized and the rest of us didn't. but if you live a good life then you're already ahead of the game. and all the religions go back to the same God or life force or whatever. and if you're atheist then you're probably alright too... most atheists i knew set better examples than the bible thumpers who spent 4 nights a week patting each other on the back for a job well done. ok, this was a very late night structure-less rant. without an end point to drive it home. so that's it. ending it here. please don't hate on me if you're under the category that i just blasted. just lead a good life that backs your words and you're ok in my book. now back to the regular program of not discussing religion.


Friday, November 05, 2004

Looking ahead... 

so i'd like some feedback on a couple things. and i realize that fridays are probably the worst days to ask for feedback because about 90% of you don't read blogs on friday for some reason. isn't that the universal day to slack off and not get work done because it's already sorta the weekend? you guys must have a much better work ethic than i would have. but here it is...

this baby's first birthday is coming up fast. i feel like i've been at this for much much longer than just a year. so we should have some kind of celebration. maybe a "best of..." ranking, favorite memories, things to improve, poems and tributes to me, the blog, or other regular members of the posts (mayhem, the beer...), whatever.... or maybe all of us will get lazy and the birthday will come and go without any of us noticing.

the next big thing is the holiday season. i am in somewhat of a quandary about what to do with that. i'll be out of town for a week and a half before christmas, with the fam for christmas, unsure about the new years part, and then out of town after new years. i don't want to take a 3-week hiatus from the blog, but i'm not sure how much time i will have to post. with the whole anonymity thing i can't really do audioblog posts, and i don't want to make somebody else guest post for me for 3 weeks during the holidays. can you email posts to the blog???? if you can, then i could probably email posts except during my first week and a half trip away. even then it is possible that i could get one in (the people i'm visiting were pre-internet-in-the-home last i checked, and definitely aren't people from my personal life who should know about this blog.) so big quandary.... but that's still a little bit in the distance, so there is time to figure it out. if any of you have suggestions then please let me know. or if all of you are going to be away from checking blogs for those 3 weeks straight, then maybe i don't need to worry about it. so anyway, let me know if you have ideas, suggestions, or submissions for either idea.


Love song... 

so i've been thinking about this... with all the love songs out there written for various women, there has got to be one written about me. or if not, there should be. i mean, i'm sure some of those ballad bands or country singers must practically need a sign up sheet for women they can use for inspiration for their next love song. so i think there should be a love song written about me. a good one. one that talks about how amazing my mind, body, and soul are, but not cheesy like that description was. if any of you want to write that love song and then get famous and make it a number one hit, i'd go on tour with you. just something to think about...


Thursday, November 04, 2004

What a day... 

i had a very interesting and unexpected day. it was good. definitely kind of a rollercoaster of a day, but the end result made me feel happy with it all.

skepticism marked my morning... as i was walking to my car, the guy parked next to me was backing out of his space and nearly ran into me (as a pedestrian) because he backed out with his windows still fogged (ok, lots of us do that) but also without looking. i mean, even if my windows are fogged i still check for moving objects! erg, so i kept sidestepping him until he put it into drive and left. i figured since i live in the same complex, it was best not to get his attention by kicking his trunk or yelling to pay attention or anything. i could avoid the accident so i just left it at that. got myself to work and i started off the day chatting with coworkers. my first meeting of the morning went well. i have noticed that i've been more suspicious ever since my so-so evaluation. my supervisor pulls aside another coworker in front of me and says she needs to talk to her in private, i worry that it could be about my performance. guys, i guess this is how you develop performance anxiety. ok i can see it, that would suck. but anyway, i know that's a sign that i still have a chip on my shoulder from the review and need to get over it. unfortunately, i'm also realizing that my supervisor isn't quite as fantastic as i initially thought. i had been ignoring a lot of things that i am no longer ignoring anymore, and i'm comparing her to another stellar coworker and seeing that she falls short sometimes. she has some skills that make her a great person to be in charge, but she also has a lot that are lacking. she doesn't do her paperwork on time, she lets things fall through the cracks, she informs people of things that impact them either much too late, in passing, or in a meeting when that person really should have been informed beforehand, etc. and i hate this. i'm sure somebody from my middle school days would tell me i needed a tough skin and just to suck it up, but really now... like i was told in a meeting with the rest of the staff that i may have to change my schedule because what works best for her is a day when i'm not there. now i see that as something to discuss with me in private. you tell me one-on-one that you have a conflict arising and may need to find a solution that works well for both of us and great, i'll work with you. you tell me in a meeting that you had to look long term at what works best for you and this wasn't it, and i feel trapped. it's like breaking up with somebody in the lobby of the restaurant on a double date because the other person can't make a scene. and i wouldn't make a scene, but it still has that feeling. i don't know... this was all a big tangent. i guess the bottom line was that i had a little taste of what a great supervisor could be, but she was just filling in until my supervisor returned.

so getting away from this huge tangent, i was trying to say that this was a good day. i had a success on a project, felt like i was back to the busy day kind of thing, which was kind of a nice change from the feeling awkward and guilty for having nothing to do and spending work time writing papers and doing class projects. it was nice to have the time and in a place where i have no choice but to be productive, but at the same time, i felt like it was only a matter of time before something bad happened to me because of my lack of work-related things to do. not really my fault but the easiest game in the world is pin the blame on the intern. so it was kind of fun to be busy again (i know, it sounds sick). at the end of the day i was also able to have a great talk and connect with somebody. it's kind of personal so i'd like to just keep it at that, but i drove home in a pleasant and reflective mood. it gave me a lot to think about and left me open and vulnerable, but in a good way. there's been a lot lately that i haven't shared with anyone, including myself really, so it was good to address it again. we all have our ways of coping with things and i haven't been acknowledging some things i should have. and i need to reconnect with some people who i haven't kept in touch with so well. and i need to take some time for myself without the daily distractions. a day where i slept in, took a long bath, did some yoga, read, wrote, thought about my thoughts, but avoided the computer and the TV. at any rate, i need to get to bed and think about all of this some more. i'm sure this was a weird post. all is good and some of this relates to things that i wanted to acknowledge but am not yet ready to share. i have to figure it out myself before i can explain to anyone else. so yeah... warm fuzzies with some tears.


Wednesday, November 03, 2004


so i'm not going to discuss the news. everybody knows it anyway. i backed a man, and he didn't win. sadly, we'll have to suffer the consequences of being duped by a dunce for another 4 years. it scares me what could happen. people say that the next 4 years should at least go by quickly because the last 4 did. or tell me it's just 4 years, it's not a big deal. but think about the destruction that can be caused in just a second.

so separating myself from those worries, i need to refocus on the good things in life. i can't control the presidency, and obviously my telepathic skills are seriously lacking, so i need to take one day at a time and pray that nobody decides to squash us for being bullies over the next 4 years. heck, the way this is going, it could be from within the country or without. so no more of this for today. there's no point in obsessing.

on the pro side of my life, i have big hopes for mayhem and me. after i told him that i bought cinnamon rolls because we always made them and had breakfast in bed when he spent the night at the old apartment, and it made me sad week after week after week because i see them everytime i open the fridge. he thought it was cute that i bought them, and i think he realized that i hated how little time we've gotten to spend together of the past several months. he has gotten to stay here once this entire time. i hate it. so i'm hoping he might arrange something for this weekend. and i have a fireplace. at first i wanted to make use of it and mayhem said there really wasn't much point. but then the romance gods gave him a gentle pop on the head and made him realize the romantic opportunities that awaited if we used it. so if he becomes a master of romance (which would be a very happy and exciting first), then he would come over this weekend with a couple logs and a knowledge of how to use a strictly woodburning fireplace, set up a blanket with a little picnicky dinner to eat while we cuddle by the fireplace and then make out by the fireplace, spend the night here, and then wake up and make the cinnamon rolls and wake me up with them in the morning as we eat the gooey squishy sweet goodness in the morning with a glass of cold milk and laugh and cuddle. man how i miss those mornings! and that was probably the world's longest sentence. but i would love to spend my weekend like that. really, i would love to spend the rest of my life like that. i know that when we live together every single day we won't be eating cinnamon rolls every morning until the day we die... but there is certainly nothing that says we can't make them at least once a month and really even each weekend. life is what you make of it. i think that's something i need to remember more. ok, i'm going to sweet talk my boy and see if i can't plant the idea in his head. big warm hugs to everyone!


Tuesday, November 02, 2004

A quick prayer... 

please let kerry win tonight. please. pretty pretty pretty please! i don't want to bargain with you, God, because you don't like that, so i won't. but pretty please let kerry win. i love you God and kerry does too.

i don't feel like writing much else tonight. i woke up exhausted, went to class, lunch, class, dinner, class. froze, got rained on, used the car heater, and froze. there's my summary of the day. now i will sit in front of the TV with crossed fingers saying please please please oh pretty please 10,000 times tonight until the election is called. i just have a really bad feeling about what could happen. and i really don't want to have to move to another country within the first year of my becoming totally independent. that would be really rough. *sigh* i promise not to get all superstitious and neurotic about tonight, though. i realize that crossing my fingers and whispering please please please to my TV and refrigerator does no good. so i will stay sane and pray for the best.


Monday, November 01, 2004

Adam and Eve... 

so i started pondering this tonight in the shower. do you think if you were one of the first humans on earth that you would figure out sex? i wonder if humans were created with such a massive sex drive so they were pushed to figure it out during the first generation of the species. i mean, animals go into heat and have mating dances that are part of instinct and all, but we really have nothing. so maybe that's why we have the sex drive. that way we would start to figure something out based on "urges" until we finally pinpointed how it worked. or maybe there were many tries before there was a good balance of intelligence and sexual urge. i mean, if we learned it from watching the animals, i'm sure missionary wouldn't have been the "basic position."

and women, how freaked would you have been as the first woman on the planet and then on top of that all of a sudden your stomach starts getting bigger, you start feeling more uncomfortable and just kind of strange, and then 9 months later you have massive stomach pains and a bloody gooey thing pops out of you. you eventually have to figure out that it's alive and kind of looks like a miniature you. and what would you do about the umbilical cord. i mean, you're working off no previous knowledge here. do you try several things before you get sick of it and separate you and the baby using a sharp rock to sever the cord? sorry, i don't mean to be graphic here, but really now. we take all of this for granted. of course then you have white stuff shooting out of your nipples and you eventually have to piece together that you feed the miniature you the white stuff. anyway, just something to ponder. i wonder how the first humans figured out the sex thing. who knows, maybe the part that was left out of the Bible was when God gave them a quick sex lesson.


Almost finito... 

i am done writing the paper. i still have to edit and print it, but otherwise i'm done. yay!


Just one more thing... 

i will leave you with just one more tidbit before i go:


you gotta love the ingenuity of youth.


Snort it... 

ahh yes, wouldn't you know i can make an adventure out of anything. continuing my fantastic luck with directions from an online map service, i set out to get my flu spray. normally i am not the kind of girl who crosses 4 lanes of traffic at once because lil' ol' ditzy me forgot to pay attention. i pride myself on knowing how to drive better than a moron. but the directions were determined to undermine my abilities. so i exit the freeway, turn right as stated, cross 4 lanes of traffic and look for the next road. (supposedly i would turn left in less than .1 miles, so i had to act fast). the road never comes. ok, i have a vague knowledge of that area, so i know when i have definitely passed the region. so i flip a u-turn. i backtrack while eyeing the clock. i had an appointment and he made it sound like they stayed pretty busy. finally get to the area. i see the store and the road, and have to cross another 4 lanes of traffic to do another u-turn into the parking lot. finally get there and in time. they are in no hurry whatsoever. they chat away with another customer and then go in the back for awhile before coming out to ask why i'm there. i explain, and they check with the doc if he had an appointment to give the spray. he glances up, says yeah, and goes back to his business. ok. so she prints of something and tells me to sign it. then ushers me out of the way to sign it out of the "flow of traffic." i'm sure i looked a little alarmed at that since there was nobody there, but i do as i'm told. so i sign it and hand it back. she inputs into the computer and tells me to sign two screens on the little electronic credit card pay pad. says it's about privacy notices. i sure hope she's right because it just gave a signature spot. then i pay. and sign something else. and then sit. finally the guy comes over and i'm watching all the little things that shouldn't have happened with the maintaining sterile environment and what not. but i let it go since he's just squirting something into my nose. it's not invasive surgery. he tells me to tilt my head back a tiny bit and then breathe normally. so i do and it dribbles all down onto my lips and chin. nice. so if my left nostril gets the flu i'm calling him up. he asks the chicky there to get a kleenex, so she walks calmly over to the far side, grabs a tissue, and walks it calmly back and slowly hands it to him. i'm thinking "damnit, hurry up... i have flu all over my lips!" yeah. so then he does the other nostril and i tilt way back and snort that sucker. it goes right on back. just as a heads up for anyone thinking of getting it. it tastes like sicky sweet illness. you know that "ewww, i feel gross and sick" feeling? it is that in liquid form, readily available to be snorted for about $30. it's lovely.

so let's hope this protects me from all the infected people i'll be working and flying with for the next few months. blech. oh, and the drive home involved two more times when i had to cross all 4 lanes of traffic. they put the north ramp on the south side with a big loop just for kicks. and then i forgot that i was coming from the other direction to hit the right street later. flu spray may inhibit ability to drive. ok, finishing up the paper with a vengeance now!



i have a weird feeling today. i think i might be slightly nauseous, but i'm not sure. i just feel weird. i was also cold, though, so i put on clothing in hopes that that helps. i guess we'll see what it is. and because i'm so intelligent, i decided to eat some toxic colored doritos to see if that helps my stomach.

still working on the damn paper, but on the upside my hair is looking super cute in a ponytail today. too bad nobody will see it. so yeah, back to the paper.



lizard carcasses stink. so does this paper. i think i'm going to head to bed and deal with it in the morning. the paper, not the carcass. it's already in the trash. the carcass, not the paper. hah, i'm a bad comedy bit from the 50s. leave some love. i wrote a couple really long entries so i would love some comment love in return for all the hard work and the extensive "research" i underwent last night to be able to write those entries. night!


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